The Light of the World (7 page)

I wave a hand in front of his face. He doesn’t
flinch.

"I'm right here. What are you doing?"

"Mona stop playing with me. Where is she?"

I look back at her, "He can't see me?"

She doesn’t look convinced, "Dude she's right
there."

"Funny Mona. Where is she? Did she call you?" He
looks agitated. He has sweat on his brow.

"She is right there. She is in front of you. She
is there." Mona looks annoyed.

I push him but he pushes off the frame at the
same time and points at Mona. I tumble forward into the hall past
him. He looks angry, "You're really funny." He turns and walks
away.

I look back at her and the words of the waitress
float through my mind, 'you were dead when you were born.'

"What the hell was that? Why are you messing
with me?" She's obviously infuriated. She gets up and storms from
the room. I'm alone and confused. I close the door and run after
him.

He is across the greens when I finally catch up
enough for him to hear me.

"Wyatt. What the hell are you doing?"

He turns and stops.

"What was that?"

I look back, "I don’t know. I was standing
there. You…"

"You didn’t have to run out on me Rayne. I was
just getting the phone. She is nuts. I swear."

I cross my arms and watch his eyes. They don’t
turn to flames. They don’t flicker even. He's normal. I'm the not
normal in our relationship that isn’t a relationship. My eyes that
see in the dark and the way I'm always sick and hallucinating.

He looks at me with his head cocked, "Why did
you run out?"

I point back at the room, "Why did you pretend
you couldn’t see me in my room? You think I'm acting nuts, well
what about you? I was standing in my room. I watched you talking to
Mona. Why are you screwing with me?"

His face drops, "You? You were in the room? I
couldn’t see you in the room?"

I shake my head, "I was there. I was. I saw you.
I tried to touch you but you ignored me. You honestly couldn’t see
me? How is that even possible?"

He is pissed. Whatever I've said has made a vein
in his head bulge and he crosses the gap between us in a step. He
grabs my arms hard and shakes me, "WHAT ARE YOU?"

I feel like my brain is going to explode. "I-I-I
don’t know what you mean?"

He slaps me hard. I see stars. My vision goes
dark for a second and suddenly I feel it. The heat rushes through
me. My vision gets a haze. I see his hand come up to slap me again,
but this time when he swings I block it.

He stops. His face is horrified. "No."

I'm huffing and disoriented. I don’t know what
is happening. I've never been struck a day in my life. My cheek is
burning and it feels like my blood is boiling. I gingerly put my
fingers to my face. I taste my own blood in my mouth.

"Never come near me again." I whisper.

He shakes me one last time and releases me. He
backs away from me. He is breathing like flames will shoot from his
lips any second.

I fall to my knees. The muggy air feels cold
suddenly. A piece of my soul breaks off and follows him across the
greens.

Two months is a long time to wait for someone to
apologize. Especially when the man-whore who should apologize,
dates everything that moves. Not even dating, flaunting and
screwing.

I feel sick most days.

It isn’t that I mean to let him be everything,
even after he attacked me. I'm stronger than that, and I have more
self-respect than that.

It isn’t that I mean to let him ruin my life. My
life is more important that that.

It's that I can't shake him. He's shaken me like
it was nothing. I was nothing. I feel like nothing. Depression
isn’t the right word. All consuming is the right way to say it.

Michelle is curled around me twirling my hair.
Mona is making a collage of the pictures of us on poster board. If
my mom could read it she would be disappointed.

I don’t need magical picture reading skills to
see the lost hollow look in my eyes. Even in the pictures I don’t
remember, because I was so drunk, I can see it.

The look.

No matter how hard I try and no matter what I
do, he is everything. He is my life. The piece of my soul that
broke off and went with him was bigger than the piece that stayed,
and I am broken. The further I am from him, the more I want him.
It's painful and mysterious. Like Stockholm syndrome.

"You know that guy you slept with last
month?"

I glance up at Mona and nod, "Matt?"

She shakes her head, "Eww, what? Matt? No the
guy from the bar who gave us drinks all night. You slept with Matt
too?"

I blush, "What? I was drunk."

She rolls her eyes, "Yeah, glad to see you
aren’t getting too out of control."

Michelle pulls my hair, "Sam. The one that took
your V-Card was Sam. The fact you can't remember means you're
drinking too much and having too much sex. This isn’t you. Willow
would freak."

"You've slept with more guys than I have." I
tilt my head at her and give her my ducklips.

She grins, "Gay guys don’t count."

I frown, "I can have sex if I want to. I'm in
college. I need to experiment. Sam was hot anyway."

Mona smiles lazily, "So hot. He looks just like
Ryan Gosling in this pic. Imagine him in a suit?" Her eyes glaze
over.

I look over and moan. "I need to go see him
again. That was fun, I think."

She rolls her eyes again and mouths nasty words
like 'slut' at me.

I sneer but Michelle pulls my hair again, "No,
didn’t you hear? He got beat up. Bad. Like a month ago. Jumped on
his way home. My friend Marcie got a job at the bar to replace
him."

"No. Oh my god. It must have been right after we
slept together. That’s horrid."

She grins, "If you even make a joke about making
him feel better, I will throw up. Or slap you."

I laugh.

It's hollow.

Like my heart.

The only time I feel better is after sex. It's
not even because of orgasms either. The only ones I have are when
I'm alone, which is not something I want to discuss.

At all.

I feel good after sex, but it's more like when
you eat a lot and feel satisfied, but then the remorse hits. Then
you have to unbutton your pants and everything feels uncomfortable.
I feel good at first and then the discomfort and self-hatred
starts.

Daily my goal is to make it through the day
without sex. I've slipped up four times in two months. At least
half of the number of times Wyatt's 'dated'. With him it's a new
freshman every week. I can't help but wonder if he slaps them
around or pretends he can't see them or acts like a crazed stalker
nut? I can't help but wonder if they feel like they will die
without him, after he's discarded them?

Like I do.

Mona hates him and Michelle's worse. They both
swear I'm not allowed to have contact with him or be alone with
him. Ever.

It doesn’t matter.

He doesn’t try to be alone with me anyway. He
doesn’t make eye contact with me except to glare at me. Like I hit
him. Like I acted crazed.

I have vowed I will let myself get past him.
Willow would hate him and kill me if she knew. Two months of 'I'm
fine' has been taxing and she doesn’t buy it anymore.

The only vow I have kept in losing my virginity
was where. I vowed not to do it in a frat house bed and I kept that
one. I lost it in the bed of a local guy. I had meaningless sex and
walk away unscathed. I like to pretend it's unscathed but I hurt
afterward. I hurt in my soul. Like I've traded a piece of it to
feel the full feeling.

My phone vibrates.

I ignore it.

I almost always ignore it.

I can't face Willow. Not after everything I've
done. I don’t know how to face either of us. Instead I ignore us
both and seek companionship in shallow places, where I don’t have
to face them either.

Mona picks my phone up and looks irritated.

I wince, "I can't. She's been super needy
lately. She wants me to come home for thanksgiving but I'm not sure
I can. I've been eating meat and having sex. She'll smell it on
me."

Michelle laughs. She knows it's true. I look
back at the TV and try to get lost in the movie. Scream 3 isn't my
favorite movie. I prefer the first one.

"So you still planning on being a vampire
tomorrow night?"

I nod once.

"Please be Witches of Eastwick with us."

I laugh, "No. I don’t want to be noticeable."
They know what I mean. I have enough trouble as it is.

"Fine be that way. You could take one for the
team you know."

I look at Mona's pout and shake my head, "Last
time I took one for the team some creep read me poetry in the
corner while you bitches danced and had fun. No. There will be a
million vampires. I want to blend in."

We fall asleep in a bundle of legs and arms and
fleece.

My dream is disturbing, as always.

I'm walking in a maze made of corn. Just like
the one we just went to in Quebec last week with some random guy
Mona likes. I had to lie to Willow and say I was spending the
weekend in a study group in my common room. She's been nuts about
me staying in my dorm. Anyway I'm in a corn maze but I can't find
anyone. Smoke is rising from the ground. I try calling for them. No
one answers but when I turn a corner I bump into him. He steps back
and bows his head slightly, "Forgive me." He looks ashamed.

I try to fight the tears but I can't. I put a
hand out. I'm scared of him. He brings his hand back and slaps me
hard. My cheek burns and he does it again. I'm trembling and crying
out his name. When I look up at him through the swinging arm I see
the dead look on his face. His eyes are dead. He whispers,
'I
knew you were already dead Rayne'

I wake as always. I open my eyes and look around
calmly. No one is there. A note sits on my pillow with a red wig
and pair of glasses. Susan Sarandon's character.

I sigh. I am scared of Wyatt and yet attracted.
Somehow through the slap and the fingers that dug into my skin, I
am attracted to him. It makes me ill.

My attraction to him bothers me.

The dream bothers me.

It'll bother me all night.

It'll be worse when I see him at the bar with
some slut.

Not that I can really throw that name around
anymore. They're my people now.

My phone is dead again. Willow has been blowing
it up. I plug it in and make a mental note to call when I get a
chance. I curl back into a ball and pray for good dreams. Not that
they ever come.

I sleep all day again. Saturday has quickly
become a sleeping day for me. I seem to need it. I am exhausted all
the time.

I wake up to a whisper and look around. The room
is empty but I can see perfectly. The eye thing is worse than ever.
I pick up my phone and dial home.

She answers on the first ring, "Are you okay?
Are you in your room? Honey you need to call more often. I need to
see you. There is something I need to talk to you about." She
sounds tired.

"I know. Sorry. I'm just busy and stuff. School
is hard."

She sighs, "You're eating meat aren’t you. I can
hear it in your voice. You're tired. Are you having sex too?"

I cough, "Willow, Jeeze."

"Don’t try lying to me. Just tell me what's been
going on. I can hear it in your voice. Your chi is down. It's
bogged."

"Is it still that boy you liked? That Wicker or
Whilom or whatever? Did you have sex with him?"

I burst into tears, "Wyatt. I love him still and
I don’t know why. Something is wrong with me. I can't make it stop.
He doesn’t talk to me." I heave slightly, "I can't get him out of
my head. He was cruel to me and I can't get over him. He's over me
and I'm a feeble weak loser."

"Nene. You're not a loser. You just love with
more than regular people. Baby girl you need to come home. Want me
to come get you now? Did you have sex?"

"NO GOD! I NEVER HAD SEX! Er, with him."

"Okay, okay. Calm your energy Nene. Just take a
breath. How about next weekend? You want to come home next
weekend?"

"Okay. Fine. Can we drop the sex thing
though?"

I can hear her smile, "Yes. Yes we can. I just
worry so much. I hate that this boy has hurt you. I love you."

I sniffle, "I love you too."

"I'm sorry."

I cry softly, "I know. Me too. I didn’t mean to
yell. I'm just, I don’t know."

"I'll come get you next Friday afternoon
okay?"

"Yup."

"Is that all?"

"No I ate meat."

She sighs again, "I knew it. How much?"

I cringe. It's better than telling her about the
sex so I tell the truth. "Everyday."

"Rayne Willow Whynde what are you thinking? You
need to stop that and restart the meditation and the poses. Don’t
forget the sixth one. I can tell you're not doing it enough." Or at
all.

"Okay."

"Promise?"

"Promise."

"I love you Nene."

"Love you too mommy." I hang up the phone and
feel a little better. I'm still exhausted all the time and
sometimes the dead whisper to me for no reason and my eyes glow,
but I feel better. I have confessed half of the crap I've been
doing. Next week I'll tell her about the sex. I vow no more sex. At
least until I tell her.

I pull on the vampire costume and paint my lips
black. I decide on a Gothic vampire. My dark hair suits it. I don’t
even realize I'm doing my makeup in the dark until Mona and
Michelle come in, and the light from the hallway filters in.

"You in here?"

I put the makeup down. "Yup. Just woke up."

When they flick on the lights they both
frown.

Mona looks at my makeup, "You're doing shit in
the dark again?"

I nod and stammer, "Y-yeah. Uhm, trying to get
in the gothic mood."