The Light of the World (3 page)

"I know right. My roomie is awesome, but beyond
that I don’t know anyone." Awkwardly, I sputter, "So which hall are
you in?"

She points to the other side from mine, "The
Living and Learning Center. PRIDE rooms."

"I'm pretty sure I heard that. I'm glad you have
somewhere to stay." I feel like an asshole, my verbal diarrhea is
just non-stop, "You know so you can be with your people." My face
is on fire. I clamp my mouth with my hands.

Michelle laughs hard, "Oh girl, I missed you.
You're always so funny when you get nervous. How's Willow? I'm
amazed she let you come here."

"Good." I don’t want to let my mouth open for
longer than the second it takes to say good. I don’t trust my
lips.

She links my arm with hers, "Come on. Let's
walk. You need to get used to the idea I have the same parts as
you."

I squeeze her arm and notice her muscles are
gone. She feels like a soft girl. "It's remarkable. You're a
girl."
She looks so proud and smirks, "Yup. I got it ALL done."

I look down, "All?"

She laughs again, "All."

I stop, "But-how-if it sticks out-how does it
go-in-hmm?"

She laughs and bends at the waist, "You're
crazy. Everyone else is so fake about it. I love you. I've been on
the drug therapy for a long time and working toward this. I've had
the Adams apple shaved and the progesterone and estrogen and
everything. Then I went six months ago and got them to do the
surgery, where they invert everything. It was a process let me tell
you."

"Invert?"

She smiles a wide pretty smile, "Invert."

"So you have a-same-as-me-you know?"

"Vagina? Yeah. Honey you are stunned. Have you
never heard of this?"

I shake my head but then a light comes on, "Oh
my god I did. Nip and Tuck. Willow hated the show, because
Christian was such a slut. I loved it. Mostly because Christian was
so hot."

She laughs, "Oh he was. God help me may I never
meet a man like that."

I laugh, "Me too. She was right. He was a
slut."

"Speaking of slutty hot men, who is that hottie?
I guarantee he's trouble. Look at the charm oozing off that man." I
look up to see the dark haired guy leaning against a lamppost,
smiling at me. My face instantly flushes.

"Oh my Christ. He's uhm, no one." If I say it
fast enough it might be true.

Michelle laughs, "That doesn’t look like a no
one to me. He wants to say hi to you. I can tell." I look up at her
and frown. She winks, "I'm going to go find my people."

My already red face burns hotter. I am confident
my skin is melting off. I squeeze her arm, "I'm so sorry. That was
an accident. I'm a moron. I'm really happy you're here. Really. I'm
your people. You're my people."

She kisses me on the cheek and laughs, "I know.
You're crazy. Say hi to Willow. Come find me in the PRIDE rooms.
Slumber parties and shit. Eek." She hugs me again and then saunters
off, not nearly as drag queen-ish as I would have imagined. She is
a girl. She walks like a girl. More than I do. I've never actually
seen her this alive. It's a weird but spectacular moment.

The moment is ruined by the hot dark haired guy
standing in front of me. He looks expectantly at me, with a grin I
hate instantly.

I wrap my arms around myself and walk through
the couples on the sidewalk. I stop a good distance from him,
"Following me is pretty creepy."

He smiles and I have to force myself to focus on
not drooling. The dark night does nothing to diminish the dark blue
eyes or sexy smile. He shrugs, "I was just walking when I randomly
happened upon you and your friend."

I look over to where she is turning the corner
and shake my head, "Random huh?"

"I meant what I said before."

I smile, "That Women's Lib girls are hardcore
and you're all about PRIDE?"

He laughs and runs a hand through his hair. It's
thick and dark and I want to touch it. "No. I meant that I like
girls who are proud and not easy." His smiles turns dangerous, "I
like a challenge."

I take a step back and gulp, "I'm not easy. I'm
not easy at all. I'm like expert level hard." Which is totally
true. Willow has actively lobbied for the chastity belt.

He takes a step forward, "I'm not an expert."
Bullshit. "But I would like to buy you that drink."

I watch his face and nod after a minute. "Okay,
fine. One drink."

Why am I saying yes?

He puts a hand out for me, "Wyatt."

"Like Earp?"

He smiles and blushes, "Yeah like Earp."

I take his huge hand and let it swallow mine,
"Rayne." His skin is fiery and sparks slightly against mine.

"Like puddles and rubber boots?"

I laugh and try to pull my hand away, but he
doesn’t let me. He holds it and pulls me along the sidewalk.

My stomach twinges. "No like R-A-Y-N-E. My mom's
a weirdo, well a hippie."

He points with his free hand, "You made fun of
Wyatt Earp with a handle like that one?"

I jerk my hand free and watch as he flexes his
hand and balls it. "Rayne is nice. It's soft."

He nudges me with his shoulder, "Unless it's a
downpour."

I cross my arms, "Whatever."

"You must be a freshman. You pledging?"

I shake my head, "No. It's not for me. Frats are
weird. Archaic."

"I'm in a frat." Huge shocker there. "It's been
the thing that kept me sane these last four years."

"What's your house GPA?"

"2.89."

I whistle, "Yeah exactly the reason I won't
join. Lower GPA's and less focus on school. I'm good being a loner
in a dorm."

We turn down a path I haven't walked on before.
I look up at him. "Where are we going?"

He points, "There. My house is that way."

I stop.

He laughs and turns to face me, "I promise no
funny business. We can't drink out in the streets and you're too
young for a bar."

His eyes seem honest. Something about him makes
me feel weird. I stop and back up.

"I have to go. I forgot I was meeting my roomie,
Mona."

He looks hurt, "You can trust me."

I shake my head. I start to back up on my shaky
legs, "I bet you say that to all the girls. Dude, stranger danger.
Thanks anyway." I turn and walk away. What was I thinking almost
going for a drink with a stranger? One I insulted no less.

I don’t go to my place. Instead I turn to the
Living and Learning Center. Gays and Asians and hardcore Goths file
around the rooms and halls. It's like being in the city or a
multicultural fair.

It reminds me of San Francisco, Willow's
favorite city.

I see a blonde head and push past a group of
black kids wearing bright colors. They're laughing and speaking
Yoruba. I smile with pride at being able to recognize it. I haven’t
heard many of the languages of Nigeria but I know this one and
Hausa. My dream is to know twenty languages.

"Michelle."

She turns and smiles, but when she sees my face
she stops smiling. She grabs my hand and pulls me into a room. It's
hers, for sure. James Dean posters and the entire cast of Twilight
are all over the wall. Robert Pattinson makes appearances on a few
walls. I can't deny his hotness but his role in Harry Potter was
hotter for me.

She looks at my face and shakes her head, "Your
eyes."

I look at her mirror and jump back. "Oh my god,
what is that?"

In the mirror my long dark hair and heart shaped
face, which normally stand out, are muted by the bright glowing
color of my eyes. I have gray eyes. They aren’t amazing and
colorful. They're plain and gray but against the dark hair and my
slightly tanned skin, they usually look okay. Now instead they
sparkle, like gems are inside. I put my fingers up to my face and
touch gingerly.

"What is that?"

"It looks like a flashlight is shining from
behind. Like your eyes are the flashlights."

She flicks the light and it's the most
remarkable thing I've ever seen. I can see perfectly. Like a
cat.

In the mirror they look normal. They don’t glow
in the dark. They don’t look different or anything but I can see
every aspect of her dark room, as if the light were still on. I can
tell it's dark because the room is black in my peripheral but in
front of me, the room is almost lit up.

"They look normal without the lights on."

I don’t tell her I can see the weird face she is
making.

She flicks on the light and my eyes don’t need
to adjust. I can see flawlessly.

"It's gone." She sounds stumped.

I look back at the mirror and nod, "Weird."

I smile in the mirror, "That was creepy."

She looks suspicious, "You been drinking?"

I shake my head, "No."

"Drugs?"

I tilt my head. Michelle knows me better than
that. We were best friends all through elementary school. She was a
he and he was my best friend, until we got older. Then he clammed
up and stopped talking. I can't imagine the internal struggle he
has endured. I knew he was gay. Everyone knew. I just never knew he
should have been a she. Seeing her the way she is now makes more
sense. She always was a she and now that it's official, it makes
sense. She is alive for the first time, ever.

I however feel beat.

I yawn and stretch. I have never been so tired.
I yawn a second time and my eyes water. "I'm going to bed. See you
tomorrow." I rub my eyes.

She points at her bed, "You look like you're
already asleep. Wanna sleep here? You can sleep with me. Like a
slumber party."

I think for a second. The walk back to my place
feels like a pilgrimage and I'm exhausted. I nod and kick my shoes
off and climb into her bed. She sits beside me and turns the light
off. She turns on a movie. I can see it flickering in the dark.

I snuggle into her bed and get comfortable. I
like her room better than mine. Her room is new and smells clean.
My room still smells old and musty and my bed stinks.

I don’t know if I closed my eyes or if I slept
with them open, but my dreams come instantly.

'You'll be dead again before this day
ends.'

It's a chant. I see Willow's lips moving as she
chants on the floor in lotus pose. The words are not spoken in her
voice, but they come as she moves her lips.

'
You were born dead.
'

I shake my head and plug both my ears. I'm
standing amongst graves, which are in the living room at our house.
She chants and mouths the words in a whisper. Even with my ears
plugged I can hear them.

'
You were dead already this morning and
you'll be dead again
.'

Her green eyes open and lights shoot from them.
Her lips move slowly and I can hear exactly what she whispers,
"
You're dead Nene. You're dead. I just forgot to tell
you
."

Chills cover me and I wake. Not with a start or
jumping up like I should after a crazy nightmare. I always just
open my eyes and look around the room. For a moment it feels like I
am being watched, but I'm alone.

The whispers still seem to be there. Chanting. I
shiver and climb off the bed. I put on my shoes and stretch.
Michelle's room is neat and tidy and new.

In the mirror my eyes are bright again. I close
them and rub. When I open them, my mascara is flaking everywhere. I
look like hell, but at least the color's normal again.

The halls are empty when I leave. I still feel
like I'm being watched, but no one is there. I can't shake the
feeling from my dream. I'll have to text it to Willow. I'm afraid
she'll have some
'I told you so'
moment and make me come
home.

I decide telling her can wait. I texted her
yesterday to tell her Michelle was at our school. That made her
happy. She seemed relieved. Her texts and constant nagging are
getting to be annoying.

The fresh morning air is thick. Late August in
Vermont is muggy. It's always muggy. Then mid September hits and
it's cold. It's like a switch.

A guy's voice interrupts my thoughts, "Wow that
explains so many things."

I stop and look at him. He nods at the guys he's
walking with and comes over to where I am. He grins and crosses his
arms smugly.

I frown, "What?"

He nods at the building, "You're making the walk
of shame from the lesbian building. I for sure called that,
hey?"

I look back and laugh. I hug myself and walk
toward him. "Sometimes I wish I were a lesbian. You're stalking me
aren't you?"

He laughs, "Yes. Definitely. If you're gay, I'll
have to double my efforts. Try and win you back."

"You're an idiot. You can't change gay people.
My friend lives in there, I'm not gay. I'm just not into dating the
first three days of school either. I know you frat boys have
competitions and shit, but don’t include me in the sport okay."

He looks angry again but the look I saw on his
face the night before, isn’t there. "You're really sort of rude.
You know that? Not all frat boys are the same." He shakes his head
and walks away. He looks back and scowls, "My GPA is 3.89."

He's gone down a path and I feel stupid. He
always makes me feel stupid.

When I get back to our room Mona gives me her
best death glare, "I looked everywhere. I was worried sick."

"I slept at the Living and Learning Center."

She raises an eyebrow. I shake my head, "My
friend lives there."

"Well next time text me."

"Okay. How was the night?"

She looks me over and grins, "Not as good as
yours. You're making the walk of shame, PRIDE rooms or not, it
counts."

"Mine sucked. Pretty sure I've offended that
Wyatt guy brutally and spent the night sleeping in a girl's bed.
Minus the girl when I woke. I'm not even sure she slept there last
night. I suspect she might have had a good night."

"Is she gay?"