The Life I Now Live (21 page)

Tylissa moved in with Gavin and Ella. The house was huge so it worked out well for them. Just to give her some time to get on her feet. Mwenye would most likely never come back.

I walked to the deck and sat between Matt and Gavin. Reese sat across from me. 

“Did you invite James?” I said to Gavin.

“Of course. He’s bringing Abby over later. They had a birthday party for a cousin or something.”

“How’s Sarah?” Reese said.

“She’s doing okay,” Gavin said. “A lot of pain, but she’s handling it well. It’s almost a year since it happened. She’ll be home soon.”

“Wonder when they’ll get married,” Matt said.

“When she’s ready. That’s what James said. Will probably take some time.” Gavin shook his head. “Can’t imagine.”

“I hate to burst everyone’s bubble of depressing conversations,” I said. “But I have something positive to add to the table.”

Gavin and Matt raised their eyebrows. 

“Are you serious?” Matt said. 

“Maybe this sounds like the most ridiculous thing in the world,” I said. “But I love her.”

“Have you even talked on the phone yet?” Matt said.

Gavin smiled. “I can completely relate.”

“So at least one person doesn’t think I’m crazy,” I said.

Reese smiled. “Good for you, man.”

“Don’t you need some kind of closure with Heidi first?” Matt said.

“No. She wrote me a letter before she left. I know it’s over.”

“Miranda said she came back months ago,” Matt said “You two never talked?”

“Negative,” I said. “She let go. And I need to respect that.”

“So, you love this new girl?” Matt said. “Hate to sound skeptical, but you haven’t officially ended things with Heidi and you are already in love with a secret admirer? What if she wasn’t at my house that night? What if it’s some Internet stalker who follows you on Facebook and never knew any of us? Even worse, what if it’s really some creepy old man?”

Gavin laughed. “Matt, we all know you have the gift of skepticism. Let the guy live. I bet it will work out just like it did for Ella and me.”

Matt tilted his chair on its back legs and exhaled. “Suit yourself. I think it’s strange, that’s all.”

“What do you expect?” I said. “She told me we couldn’t be together. Ever. She left. Then she came back and didn’t say a word to me. Yeah, I gave her everything in me, but this new girl—”

“Do you even know her name?” Matt interrupted.

“No. She doesn’t want to tell me until we meet in person. Anyway, she’s helped me live again. We have a lot in common. Our conversations are amazing. I mean, some of the deepest conversations I’ve had in my life. I really feel like we would be good together. I can’t know until I see her in person, but I’m finally ready. She told me we could meet in person when I fell in love with her. I think I might be.”

“You think you might be?” Matt said. “Poor Heidi.”

I slammed my drink on the table. A few birds flew from a branch above us. Gavin put his palms on the table and stood. Matt shrugged and rubbed his face.

“You both need to calm down,” Gavin said. “Let the guy live his life the way he wants. He’s the only person who needs to agree with his decisions.”

“Do you agree?” I said to Gavin.

“Doesn’t matter what I think,” he said. “But yeah, she sounds nice. Meet her and see how it goes. If it’s a disaster then consider finding Heidi and talking again.”

“Heidi is done with me.”

“How do you know?”

“Miranda told her I have a secret admirer and she said she didn’t care. So Miranda asked if she was sure and her response, and I quote, ‘Never been so sure in my life.’”

Gavin looked at Matt. And Matt looked at me. “Okay,” he said. “I’m sorry. I’ll admit I was wrong. But only this once.”

“No problem, man. I know you’re just looking out for me.”

I couldn’t wait to get home and email her. We developed a nightly routine, somehow fell right into it. Every night around 9p.m. we emailed each other and talked about our day. Not the boring stuff like grocery shopping and tying our shoes. The good stuff. The heart stuff.

Emily and I never talked like that. She vented. I listened. Heidi never vented. She never talked much about Andy or her problems. I didn’t talk much either. We had a comfortable silence that resonated with both of us. More than anything, I think her and I were sent to each other because we needed peace during that time. We needed a break. An eye in the midst of the storm. Sadly, we weren’t meant for anything more.

It took me a while to come to terms with it, but the more I emailed mystery woman, the more I realized I had to let Heidi go. Matt tried to convince me to shoot for the happily ever after, but I reminded him that my “ever after” is plenty happy, it’s just not what I expected it would be. And that’s okay. It doesn’t mean I settled for less. It doesn’t mean I gave up on something that could have been beautiful. What it does mean is that I came to terms with reality and gave room for a new one to form. Or so I thought. I needed to meet her to find out.

And so, I emailed her at 9:14p.m.

From: Patrick Wheldon

To: Secret Admirer

Subject: You can’t know until you know

Alright miss nameless wonder, I have a story for you. Once upon a time there was a boy. Silly, stupid boy. He spent his entire life alone, wandering about, kicking gravel, tossing rocks into the water. Waiting. For a girl to wander about, kick gravel, and toss rocks into the water with him.

Girls came. They went. They came. And well, you guessed it, they went.

Silly, stupid boy gave his heart away, not easily, but he did. But there was never a girl silly and stupid enough to give him her heart. So he almost gave up completely on girls, thinking they must all be too serious and smart for someone as stupid and silly as him. Then, some weird, silly, stupid girl walked—sorry, typed—into this life.

She may have been a creepy old man, or a prank played by friends, but he realized one day that he wasn’t happy until they talked—uh, typed.

He realized, you see, that he was stupid enough to fall in love with a woman he never saw with his eyes, but that’s okay, my dear, because the heart doesn’t need eyes to fall in love.

So, I’m ready to know you. To know your name. To touch you. To, dare I say it, kiss you.

If you’ll have me....

Skate park. Tomorrow. Sunset.

I stared at the email on my iPad, my finger hovering above the “send” button, the button that could instantly change my life. And would. Because I hit send and exhaled. A weight lifted. A huge weight I’d been lugging around for years. It lifted and vanished. I choked up, squeezed my forehead, and let one tear loose. A memory from elementary school appeared in my mind. The smell of crayons and construction paper. Glue smeared on my fingers. My teacher helping me wash my hands. The pretty girl next to me who needed her hands washed too. I let her go first. As much as I hated glue on my hands. My teacher smiled and said, “You’ll be a good husband one day.” I’ve made it my goal since that day to be a good man, a man worthy of a good wife. And perhaps, for once, I was about to fall in love with someone who loved me as much as I loved her.

I leaned against the headboard of my bed and waited what seemed like an eternity.

I couldn’t sleep. At all. The entire night. Finally at 8a.m. I fell asleep and didn’t wake up until the afternoon. As soon as I got out of bed I checked my email from my phone. Nothing. What if I made the wrong decision? What if Heidi really was the one?

I glanced at the engagement ring on my nightstand, picked it up, and almost regretted my email yesterday, but I thought of Heidi’s words. She cared about me, a lot, but she didn’t love me the way a wife should love her husband, she loved me the way a best friend loves her best friend. Sorry, but I wasn’t interested in best friends anymore. I wanted a wife. My heart couldn’t handle the chase anymore. I wanted to stop running after women and sit down with one, sip lemonade, and enjoy life together.

So, I got myself ready, chewed on some mint gum, and drove around until about an hour before the sun would set. My stomach twisted up in knots when I parked. One other car. Had to be hers. I checked my reflection in the window of the car, then looked toward the skate park. Not a person in sight.

I looked around the park, careful not to look stupid, but saw no one. I waited an hour, skated around, sat in the middle of the park, skated more. Nothing. The sun started to hide its warmth from this side of the world as all of my hope left with it. She never showed up.

I called Miranda.

“Hey,” she said. “What’s up?”

“Are you guys playing a prank on me? This isn’t funny.”

“What are you talking about?”

“You know what I’m talking about.”

“Your secret admirer?” She laughed.

“It’s not funny. I’m seriously getting pissed now.”

“I talked to Heidi,” she said.

I blinked at the glowing sky, wondering if I wanted to know what she was about to say next. A heart can only take so much rejection.

“She’s doing good,” Miranda’s voice cut through the desired silence. “She said she is ready to tell you what happened soon, but she wants to make sure you know that you can’t be together. She’s been through a lot and she’s not ready for that yet. But,” she said. “I do know who your secret admirer is and let’s just say this . . . she will be there tonight. She left my house five minutes ago. Don’t worry. She’s coming. Just a little notorious for being late.”

“Who is it? Nora?”

“I can’t say.”

“Is it Nora?”

“If it was Nora would you be happy?”

I hung up the phone and almost cried. I didn’t feel that spark with Nora. I didn’t know if I could. Last thing I wanted to do was break another person’s heart. Only one option. I needed to leave before she arrived. Maybe face her later. I didn’t have the energy to crush her dreams. I guess I was hoping it was someone altogether new. Not Nora. Not Miranda. Just something new. Something good.

I stood in the middle of the ramps and rails, saturated in the hues of the golden sun. I looked to the West. Pinks, purples, blues, oranges. A surreal sky, like something out of Photoshop. Then it caught my eye. A single rose on top of an envelope in the middle of the park.