The Life I Now Live
Table of Contents
The Life I Now Live
by Marilyn Grey
Book #3
in
The Unspoken Series
Best after reading
Where Love Finds You
Copyright
WINSLET PRESS
The Life I Now Live
Copyright © 2013 by Marilyn Grey
To learn more about Marilyn Grey, visit her Web site:
www.marilyn-grey.com
All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or bay any means—electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, scanning, etc.—except for quotations in reviews or articles, without the prior written permission of the publisher. Contact the publisher at: [email protected]
ISBN-10: 0985723521
This novel is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, organizations, or persons living or dead is entirely coincidental and beyond the intent of either the author or the publisher.
Cover & Interior Design by Tekeme Studios
Printed in the United States of America
First Edition: November` 2013
Dedication
To:
Laura Dobb
For:
Being an amazing and fun reader
and fan of The Unspoken Series
Ch. 1 | Heidi
Snowflakes piled up on each other as I rocked Riley to sleep. The ground turned white as I thought of the things I kept hidden. The rings on my left hand sparkled in the glow of a candle, reminding me of the lies. I tried to convince myself that a secret is only a lie if it harms someone. For so long my secrets only harmed myself. Now, sweet Patrick introduced himself to my life and pretended to not fall in love with me. And my secrets would harm him if he got too close. So I built a wall between us to keep him from the truth. The heartbreak.
I called him my best friend. Nothing more. He accepted that. He accepted everything. Sometimes I wished he weren’t so nice. Sometimes I wished he would pry the truth out of me and set me free. But he didn’t know. No one did. My lies were so real that I grew to believe them myself.
Snowflakes pressed against the window. I placed Riley in her crib, on her side like she liked. Her eyes flickered and then closed. I longed for the kind of peace she had. Soon life would steal it from her too. A life of many painful surgeries and nights in the hospital. A life without her father.
I laid my cheek against the cold window. Inhaled.
“You can do this,” I whispered to myself.
My cell phone vibrated in my pocket. A text from Ella.
I ignored it.
I loved Gavin and Ella. Who wouldn’t? Most loving people I’d ever known. But that’s not all. They were also the happiest and most gorgeous couple I’d ever known. I know they had their histories too. We all do. But they handled everything so well. Together. They were everything I ever wanted and nothing I ever had. They were beautiful. And if you looked under the delicate mounds of snow on my heart you wouldn’t find beauty. The sheet of white hid a landfill of lost hopes and dreams. Brokenness.
I often wondered if I’d ever be able to start over. Start a new life with Patrick. A life so different from anything I’d ever known.
I tiptoed across the room, closed the door, and walked downstairs. Patrick must’ve cleaned the kitchen for me. Again. Something Andy never had enough time or energy to do for me. Not since his promotion. The one that sucked the life from our marriage.
I grabbed a bottle of water and sat on the couch. Patrick’s shoes were still on the floor by the door. He must’ve stayed.
I peeked outside. The wind blew snow on my face. I breathed in the winter air and shut the door.
“Hey,” Patrick said. Voice quiet, eyes concerned.
“I can’t believe you waited so long. I thought you left.”
“That was the plan, but something isn’t right with you tonight. I didn’t want to leave you here alone.”
“I’m okay.”
“You’re not okay.”
I wanted to tell him the truth. Tell him what he was getting himself into. Instead, I touched his hand, lingered there for a second, and walked away. Back to the couch.
“Okay,” he said from behind me. “I am just going to be a straight up with you.”
I waited. Looked down at my stomach. The stomach that once held another life. A life that wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for Andy and our love.
“Are you listening?” he said. “Heidi, I need you to look at me.”
He knelt down on the floor beside me. Took my hand.
I jerked. “No, Pat. I can’t.”
He looked at his hand, then laughed. “I look like I’m about to propose, huh?”
I nodded. Confused.
“I just knelt here. Didn’t mean to scare you.” He half-smiled and sat beside me. “I’m not proposing until your hand is free to accept the ring.”
It sounded like he already had the ring. My stomach turned as my my heart fought between excitement and anxiety. I know it seemed crazy to most people around me, but I was still married. Andrew Chase was dead to the world. His ashes spread across the hills of America. To me, though, he was still alive. The echoes of his heart still beating to the rhythm of my own heart.
Ella thought of me as admirable. She never said a word, but I knew she didn’t approve of Patrick. She wanted us to stay faithful to our dead spouses. Her idealism could choke the life out of any normal person if she let it. Most people can’t live like that. Sure, it’s ideal, but not easy. If only she knew why I wanted to stay faithful, maybe then she’d realize I’m not as romantic as I seem. Just scared. Scared and alone.
“What’s wrong?” Patrick said as I wiped my eyes.
I shook my head and reclined on the couch. Patrick sat at my feet, afraid to touch me, but I could tell he wanted to.
“Look,” he said, eyes ahead. I couldn’t help but notice his defined jaw and the muscles in his neck. “I didn’t want to say this, but I love you Heidi. I love what we have. I love who I am when I’m with you. I love you.” He exhaled and looked at me. “There. I said it.”
I looked down, trying to hide the tears. I wanted him so much. I wanted to wrap my arms around his neck and let him love me. I wanted to run away from the past and start a new life with him. But what I wanted didn’t matter. I needed to stay faithful to Andy. I had no choice.
I promised. And I feared breaking this promise. Not because I’m a wonderful person. Because I would always live my life wondering “what if” and what could’ve been. That wouldn’t be fair to Patrick.
I reached for his hand. My heart tearing at the edges, but staying in tact. I loved him. I really did. But never in a million years could I tell him. Allowing Patrick into my heart meant saying goodbye to Andrew. Forever. My Andy. My first love.
I twirled the rings on my finger and looked at Patrick. “I know you love me. I know our friendship is special. I appreciate you a—“
“You appreciate me a lot, but you don’t love me. You still love Andy.”
I nodded, tears fending for life on my lashes. I blinked and watered my cheeks. “Life doesn’t make sense, Pat.”
“It makes perfect sense,” he said. “I married a girl I loved more than my own life, and she happened to love her own life more than she loved me. It would only make sense that I’d fall for a woman who loved another man more than she could ever love me.”
I watched him speak. He continued pouring his heart into my hands as I focused on his lips. He was more attractive than Andy. Than any guy I’d ever been with. Short chocolatey hair. Eyes the color of the Atlantic Ocean. Fit, but still looked cuddly.
He kept talking. I couldn’t focus on his words. Not with his rolled up sleeves highlighting his wrists and hands. It had been so long since I’d been with a man. Felt the warmth of a man’s touch on my skin in a way only lovers embrace.
I shoved the thoughts into a mental drawer and locked it.
“Pat.” I stood. “I want you to know that I care about you a lot. I really do. I know you’ve had a difficult past. I have too. But I need to do this. Please, trust me when I say it’s not you. You are amazing. It’s me. It’s all me.”
He stood. Inches from my face. My lips silently begged him to come closer, but I couldn’t. I stepped back. Looked down and caught my breath.
“I need to get some rest,” I said. “We’ll talk tomorrow.”
He kissed my hand, respectfully, tipped his hat, and walked out of my house. I watched his car drive out of sight and broke down on the living room floor. I hated what my life had become. I hated that the only lovers I had known were Andy and my tears. One gone, the other unwanted. And I hated that a gorgeous man with an even more amazing heart wanted to lead me to a better life. A life I desperately wanted my entire life, but it was too late. I already sent my heart to someone else, self-addressed stamped envelope not included. I couldn’t get it back. Even if I wanted to.
Ch. 2 | Patrick
When I woke to my phone beeping at 3:17am my heart raced, hoping I’d see her middle of the night declaration of love for me.
I rubbed my eyes and read her text.
You awake?
Yes
, I responded.
A few minutes passed. I turned on the light and sat up. No response.
I texted again.
Everything okay?
Sorry. Riley woke up. I can’t sleep. I have this weird nightmare sometimes. It’s been happening a lot lately. Can you come over?
I didn’t hesitate. Yes, I had to work the next day, but somehow you need less sleep when you’re in love.
I parked in front of her house sixteen minutes later, unlocked the door, and looked around. Every room downstairs was lit up. No sign of her. I went upstairs and knocked on her door. Nothing. Peeked in Riley’s room and saw them both asleep in the rocking chair. I lifted the baby and put her in the crib, covered her in a pink blanket, and walked back to Heidi. Still flopped over asleep in the chair. I picked her up and carried her to her bedroom, laid her head on the pillow, and pulled the sheets up to her neck. She curled onto her side and smiled.
“I’m here if you need me,” I whispered, then grabbed a pillow and a fleece blanket from the closet.
After one more look at her sleeping face I made myself comfortable, or as comfortable as I could, on the floor beside her bed. I bet it wasn’t more than an hour when I woke to a bang and a high pitch scream.
I jumped up and looked around the room. Heidi stared at me, in a daze.
“What just happened?” I said.
She flopped backwards onto the pillows. “These dreams. I keep having these dreams that someone is after me.”
