The Lessons (25 page)

Natalie

Another
suicide attempt? Ryan had said she suffered from depression, but … wow.

Ryan’s lips moved into a hard, thin line. “Wrists or pills?”

“Pills. A neighbor found her this morning when they needed her to move her car. Looks like she OD’d around three or four in the morning.”

Ryan rubbed his face with both hands and sighed. “She was always a night owl.”

“And she still is. She’s a very lucky girl, Mr. Andrews. I’ve never seen anyone survive with that much benzodiazepine in their system.”

“She’s a chronic user,” Ryan said, flatly again. He seemed almost defeated, rather than relieved. “She’s not supposed to have access to it.”

I glanced up at him and whispered a question “What’s a benzodi-di—”

“Benzodiazepine. Anti-anxiety medication,” he whispered back.

“Is she awake?” he asked, as we followed the doctor down the hall. The emergency ward was strange. Rather than normal rooms with doors, the hall was lined with curtains that made it so each room effectively only had three walls. The corridors were also surprisingly quiet, except for a bunch of nurses milling about— very unlike all the ER units I’d seen on television.

“Yes, she’s awake, but she’s very tired. I need to ask that you keep your visit short. We can talk more after you see her. We stopped outside a stall with a curtain, different from the others only in that it had a security officer sitting in front of it. “I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

Ryan nodded and once she had left, he paused and turned to me. “You don’t have to come in.”

I shrugged, but he didn’t stop me as I followed him in.

Ryan

My sister was lying there in the hospital bed, asleep, all sorts of tubes coming in and out of her arms, trying to replace the fluids I’m assuming she’d lost when they had to pump her stomach.

I was a little too familiar with this routine.

“Ains,” I said gently, touching her lightly on her shoulder. She felt delicate and small, the hospital gown too big for her tiny frame. “Ains, wake up. We only have a few minutes.”

She finally roused and blinked her eyes a few times. “Hey, you came.”

“Of course I came.”
I come every time, for Christ’s sake
. “Ains, you remember Natalie.”

She sat up a little taller. “Hey, Nat.”

Natalie just nodded as she bit her lip, and I felt rotten for not being able to give her the attention she deserved. I cringed inwardly at what a fucked up family she must think I had, and honestly, she’d be right. Ainsley was never the same after the death of our parents. I was lucky- I’d been old enough that with the right help I’d been able to cope, but Ains, she was just barely a teen when it all happened. Being a teen was hard enough without throwing in something like having your mother murdered by your father.

“Ains,” I sighed. “Why’d you do it?” I ran my hand over her hair. It was dry and scratchy from all the peroxide. She’d once told me she hated how when she looked in the mirror, she saw our mom. It was true. The older she got, the more and more she looked like our mom. Well, except for the hair; my mom, even well into her forties, had fiery red hair. Ainsley took after her, whereas I took after my dad in coloring. But after mom died, Ainsley alternated between chopping it all off, and dying it every color but red. Her current platinum blond phase couldn’t be good for her hair. She’d probably need to lop it all off soon.

“I don’t know,” she sighed, exasperated. “I just…” her lip started quivering, and I immediately felt guilty. “I’m sorry.” Tears started to run down her face.

“Ains.”

“I just can’t stand it anymore. I can’t feel anything with these new meds. No— nothing. I feel like a zombie, Ry, and zombies
are
dead. It’s like, what’s the point, you know?” She sniffled and I grabbed a tissue off the counter for her.

“But Ains, we can keep working on the meds. If you just tell Dr. Katz—”

“Fuck Dr. Katz,” she groaned.

“Ainsley. He is there to help you. Depression and anxiety are—”

“Yeah, yeah, depression and anxiety are chemical imbalances in the brain. Save me the lecture. I get that, but what you don’t get is how fucking painful it is. I feel like I’m moving through life with cement blocks tied around my feet.”

I glanced over at Natalie, trying to gauge how she was taking all this. I imagine most people would be a bit terrified to learn that this was our normal family dynamic. “Ains, I’m going to talk to the doctor. We’re not going to make any decisions until we’ve consulted with your team. For now, it’s important you rest. I’m going to go talk to the doctor. You can go back to sleep.”

No sooner than I’d uttered the words, did her eyes close. I ushered Natalie back out into the hall to find the doctor.

“I’m sorry you had to see that,” I said, as we walked down the hall.

She looked up at me, with disbelief written all over her face. “Are you crazy?”

I cocked my head at her.

“I’m a human being Ryan, I’m not made of stone. Your sister’s been through a lot. Both of you have.”

“Yeah,” I sighed.

We checked in with the doctor, and he said that what Ainsley needed most was rest. He’d already called her psychiatrist, and he was flying back from a conference in order to meet with us the next day. Until then, the best thing to do was wait and let the nurses take care of her. They promised to call if there were any developments.

On our way to the parking lot, I looked over at Natalie, who’d been silent for a while. I was worried I’d weirded her out.

“Thanks for coming,” I paused, “can I give you a ride?”

She ran her hands over her arms and nodded.

“Are you cold? Here.” I took my jacket off and gave it to her.

“Thanks. Are you sure you don’t want some company? Have you eaten?” She offered an expectant smile. “I can order some pineapple and anchovy. Or make some pasta? I know you grad school types. Come on, when was the last time you had a home cooked meal?”

Natalie

I was filling a pot with water at the sink when Ryan came up behind me and pressed his body against mine. His hands ran over my hips in that way that made my mind go fuzzy and put my body on autopilot.

“Hey,” he said softly.

I stiffened. “Hey,” I replied, not sure what to say. Everything with Ainsley had emotionally taxing. Plus, a huge part of me was still mad, still confused. Maybe even still hated him. But the feeling of his warm body on mine was so good. I’d missed it.

He wrapped his arms around mine and turned off the sink as his chin settled into the crook of my neck. His five o’clock shadow was in full force and felt rugged and manly against my skin.

I nodded, unable to speak as I felt my emotions rise and catch in my throat. I couldn’t stand it anymore. It was a terrible time to ask, but I’d started this night seeking an answer, and I still needed it. I had to know why he’d done what he’d done. To us.

“Ryan, no.” I pushed his arms off of me and stood with my back against the sink. “We can’t keep pretending that nothing happened.”

He looked up at the ceiling, intensely focused on a water stain from the apartment above. Eventually, he pushed his hands him his pockets and sighed. “You’re right.”

My voice got small. “Why’d you do it? I need to know Ryan. Why? Why did you leave me? Leave
us
. I mean, I thought we were doing so well… Why’d you give up on me?” It was the question that’d been festering in my mind for weeks.

“I—I, it’s a long story, Natalie,” he started.

“I know you didn’t knock her up.”

He immediately stiffened. “How’d you know?” he asked, cocking his head at me.

“Renee told me.”

He exhaled, and it felt like an eternity as I waited for him to continue. “I’m so sorry Natalie. You weren’t even supposed to find out.”

I felt the tears well up so quickly that I couldn’t will them away. I started to shake and spun tight, hot with anger.

“Not supposed to find out? That’s your apology? You have got to be kidding me.” A tear launched itself down my cheek, and I smeared it away. “So much for your honesty policy,” I said, my voice dripping with sarcasm. “And just so you know, these aren’t tears of sadness. I’m angry, Ryan. I’m pissed off.”

“Natalie, wait please,
no
. That was
not
my apology. I was just trying—”

“What?” I hissed.

“I was trying to explain. And then I was going to apologize. Please, just trust me, it will make more sense that way.”

I crossed my arms and cocked my head at him, daring him with my eyes.

“Fine.”

He took a deep breath, but didn’t back away. We were still standing just inches apart at the sink.

“Look, Natalie. Lisa, she… she coerced me into everything with her. So that Renee would think the baby was mine and when her husband left, he wouldn’t lose everything.”

I stopped a moment, trying to follow what he was saying. Once I caught up, I was even more pissed off. “That is such an asshole thing to do why the hell would you do—”

I held up my hand to cut her off. “I am getting to that.” I took another deep breath. “I had to Natalie. I didn’t have a choice. Lisa was threatening to get me kicked out of school and SFCS”

I was silent for a beat as I tried to process what he was telling me. “I don’t get it, why would she be able to get you kicked out of school? What could she have possibly had on you? You’re a fucking boy scout, remember? And apparently valedictorian too, by the way.”

His eyes twitched up to mine. “You went?”

I nodded. “Of course I fucking went. But seriously, what could be so bad? I can’t imagine you’ve ever done anything to anyone.”

Silence.

From both of us.

So much silence.

Eons and eons of silence.

He’d broken eye contact, and was back staring at the fascinating water stain on the ceiling again.

“Dr. Lerner, she— the reason I had to— she found out, Natalie,” he sputtered, as he reached up and scratched the back of his head.

I furrowed my brow. “Found out what, Ryan?”

He exhaled and let his hands fall to his sides as his eyes dropped to meet mine. “That I was developing feelings for you.”

Just my heartbeat. That’s all I heard. The slow thump of my heart as everything slowed around me.

“And she hung it over my head, threatening to tell my school.”

More heartbeat. Holy shit. I could not believe I was hearing this. I looked up at him, my face hot and wet. “Wait, say that again.”

“Natalie, I am so sorry.” He took a step into me. “Not telling you was the biggest mistake of my life.”

Ryan

“Say something.” She was silent as she stared down at the space between us. “Please.”

She opened her mouth as if to say something, and then she closed it again.

“Just tell me one thing. Why’d you come tonight? Why’d you come to the hospital?”

She wouldn’t look up at me. “I had to ask you why.”

“No. You didn’t. You could have asked me that on the phone. So why did you show up?”

She looked up at me, her eyes all glossy and wet.

“Don’t tell me that you don’t feel it.” I ran the back of my hand across her cheek and she inhaled sharply. “I like you Natalie. A lot.”

“You do?” she whispered.

I nodded. “And I think you feel the same.”

She was frozen. “I don’t understand. You said it was clinical… that I was just a client. I mean, I thought I wasn’t enough.” She covered up her eyes with her hands. “Oh God, I thought I’d just developed some stupid surrogate Stockholm syndrome.”

“No Natalie. It’s real.”

“I’m still so mad at you.”

“I know. I am sorry I lied Natalie. So sorry. I’d do anything to take it back.”

“That’s, that’s not the only reason I’m mad.”

I stilled. “It’s not?”

She sniffed and inhaled deeply. “I’m mad because… because you did something to me. You showed me how to trust someone and how good life could be and then you tore it all away. It was cruel Ryan, really cruel.”

I pulled her in closer and cupped her hands in mine; it was killing me to see her like this. “I’m so sorry, babe. I’m sorry it took me so long to admit it. I’ve been wrestling with it for weeks, I mean, I knew feeling that way about you was wrong, but what was I supposed to do, Natalie? Just lay with you, looking at you; watching your fucking beautiful face while you came with my cock in you and not feel anything? Not do anything? I’m not that man, Natalie. I can’t be.”

I had started to raise my voice by now, so I took it down a notch, “A few weeks ago when you showed up at my house banging on the door… Jesus Natalie, I’d never wanted something, someone, so much in my life. I’m not ever going to make that mistake again. Please don’t cry. You make me so happy; you make me laugh. It kills me to think that all I give you are tears.”