The Lessons (24 page)

“You guys, you will never guess what happened to me yesterday.” Justine was trying to act calm, but her grin was out of control, and her eyes were darting all over like a crazy person.

“Let me guess, you met a guy?” Renee intoned as she took a swig of iced tea and made eye contact with me. I smiled. As boy-crazy as Justine was, I really had begun to appreciate our lunches together.

“Sort of! I was missed-connectioned!”

“No way!” Renee gasped.

“Miss-confectioned? Like someone threw a cake at you?” I asked.

“No, miss-
connectioned
. Like on Craigslist. You know, Missed Connections.”

I looked blankly at her and then at Renee. Surely I wasn’t the only one who didn’t understand.

“Missed Connections,” Renee explained “is a section on Craigslist- wait, do you know what that is?”

I nodded. I wasn’t
that
out of it.

“Well,” Renee continued, “let’s say you’re on the bus one day, and you lock eyes with a handsome stranger, but then you have to get off at the next stop. But you really had a moment, and you can’t stop thinking about him. You can go on Craigslist and post a message about it in Missed Connections and if the other person felt the same, they might see it and get in touch.”

“Really? Wow. That’s crazy.” I wrinkle my forehead and look back at Justine. “So, were you the poster or the, uh, subject?”

“I was the subject! He called me the Brunette Beauty on Beale Street. Oh guys, it’s so exciting.”

“So are you like, going out, or what?”

“We’re going to dinner next Thursday!”

“Hmm, Thursday night date, eh?” Renee replied like she was considering the option. “Pretty good sign. Must not want to wait.”

Justine was positively glowing. I knew how she felt. And I hadn’t felt like that, since… well, life D.R.A. That stands for
During Ryan Andrews
, by the way.

“So, here’s a question,” I interjected. “How do you know when a guy is into you? I mean, outside of a posting on the Internet?”

“Gifts,” Renee said without hesitation.

“Hard-on,” Justine replied right after.

The disparity between the two answers made us all laugh. “Okay, okay, I guess I was hoping for something a little deeper than that.”

“I could tell Derek liked me because he couldn’t stop touching me before we started going out.”

Justine made a grossed out face.

“Oh calm down, nothing creepy, just little things, like how his skin would brush mine often enough so I knew it wasn’t by accident. He’d make up things so, like, he’d have an excuse to brush my hair.” Renee trailed off, looking wistful for a moment before she remembered the reality of her situation. “Fucking prick. What I wouldn’t give to be in the same room with him and a hairbrush now. I’d beat his dick with it. The spiky end.”

We both offered a nod of solidarity.

Justine took a deep breath and leaned back in her chair. “I think it’s easiest to tell when they start to make excuses to be around you. Like, he chooses you over his video game buddies on a Saturday night.”

Video game buddies? Since when do grown men have video game buddies? Maybe I hadn’t been missing out on as much as I thought.

“Why do you ask Natalie, is there something you want to share with the group?” Justine smirked at me.

“Oh, no reason. I just had a date the other day and was curious if I was reading his signals right.”

Now I wasn’t thinking about Ian at all. Nope. While my friends were busy doling out their advice, I had carefully tallied Ryan’s score and he’d hit all four touch points.

Gifts: assuming pizza counts, check. Random— at least I think they were random attempts to make physical contact, check. Hard-on… yeah, a big check plus on that one. And as far as making excuses to be around me? All I could think about was how he looked at that soccer game and I could feel myself grow wet.

But that was before everything went to hell.

So now what? I needed some answers.

It was real.

Josh’s words kept echoing in my mind last night when I’d try to go to sleep. Somewhere deep down, something was trying to tell me Josh was right. What I’d—what Ryan and I’d—well, whatever you call it, it was real. Even this virgin heart knew it.

Intellectually, I knew Ryan wasn’t what I was looking for— his life didn’t exactly scream white picket fence. Yet for the first time, I entertained the idea of trading everything to be with him again. Everything I’d waited for, everything I’d ever wanted.

It didn’t feel
bad.
No, it felt familiar, and it felt
…right.

Later that evening when I got home, there was a small envelope on the floor just inside my front door. Handwritten name and address. No return address. I ran my finger under the flap. It was an invitation.

An invitation to Ryan’s graduation. The date was tomorrow.

For a moment, I considered throwing it into the recycle bin. I was still so messed up about him, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. Instead, I found a home for it on my refrigerator, underneath a magnet of the Statue of Liberty.

The irony was not lost on me.

I sat in bed in my pajamas staring at my phone. An invitation seemed rather extreme, given the fact that he hadn’t texted or called or emailed. I flipped through the settings, remembering I had a tendency— crap. I had blocked his number. I stared at the screen for a moment, debating whether or not I should unblock him now. I mean, surely I had a good reason to block him in the first place. I tried to rack my brain. Something about him lying to me about his relationship with his therapist? Right. Somehow, that didn’t seem such a big deal now. I mean, if I was honest, I’d lied to him too, about everything. Besides with what Renee told me, it seemed like the story was a bit more complicated than I’d first thought.

But that still didn’t answer the question of why he’d done it.

I got out of bed and wandered back into the kitchen. The invitation was just where I’d left it, with that stupid woman holding up that cone of fire, all smug and secure in her superiority; so sure of herself as she stood there alone…

Annnnnd… maybe I was talking about myself.

I took the invitation down and ran my fingers over the engraving.

Maybe I’d go.

Natalie

Friday

Eighteen days P.R.A.

I told myself I wasn’t going to his graduation to congratulate him or support him or to even check out how he looked in a cap and gown. I was going for one reason, and one reason only: to ask him why he’d done it. It was the one thing that was still bugging me after all these weeks. Why had he decided that helping Lisa was more important than whatever it was that we were doing? I needed to know. I needed that closure.

Okay, maybe I’d end up checking him out in his cap and gown too, but it wasn’t the reason I
went
.

The PhD ceremony was held in the evening at the University of San Francisco’s McLaren Complex, a modern building with a huge auditorium. I hadn’t realized that most of the doctoral candidates were grouped into a single graduation.

An usher handed me a program as I went inside. Eventually I found a seat in the upper deck and settled in. I thought about texting him and letting him know I was there, but decided to go for the surprise attack after the ceremony. I scanned the crowd for platinum blond hair, but didn’t have much luck.

I opened the program and searched it for Ryan’s name, my eyes coming to rest on the first page.

Valedictorian Speech - Ryan Andrews, Ph. D Candidate, Psychology

What the hell? I mean, I knew he was smart, but how on Earth had he managed to do that, while working and interning at the same time?

A hush came over the crowd as the band started to play, and then a parade of people in cap and gowns started to file in. I craned my neck, trying to spot Ryan, but I was in one of the last rows, and it was hard to make out faces.

Eventually, everyone was seated, and an older man in an academic robe approached the lectern.

“Good evening and welcome. My name is Jay Lerner, and I’m the chair of the psychology graduate division here at the University of San Francisco. It’s my distinct pleasure to be your master of ceremonies this evening. Joining me…”

Lerner? Like Lisa Lerner? I seethed at the name, but tried to chalk it up to a coincidence. He proceeded to introduce various faculty who were onstage with him as well as the several classes of PhD candidates. I was growing restless already and we were barely five minutes in.

“And the last item I wanted to mention was that we have a bit of an edit to this evening’s program. Unfortunately, Mr. Andrews has been called away on a family emergency and will not be able to join us. Delivering the valedictorian speech instead will be—”

I’m sure the good Mr. Lerner continued talking, but I didn’t hear any of it. I bolted out of my seat, made my way past the throngs of happy families, and ran into the lobby of the complex. I dialed Ryan’s number.

He picked up on the second ring.

“Natalie.” We were both silent for a moment. “This isn’t a very goo—”

“Ryan, I know. What happened? Where are you? Are you okay?”

“Hang on.” I heard a muffled silence and then “Ryan Andrews for Ainsley Andrews,” I waited a few more moments. “Okay, sorry.”

“Ryan, where are you?”

“I’m at SF General. It’s Ainsley.”

Ryan

I rapped my fingers on the counter while the orderly looked up my sisters’ name in the Emergency Room database. Jesus, could she be any slower? Good think she wasn’t the one driving the ambulances. No one would ever make it to the ER alive.

“Here we go. Yes, Mr. Andrews, you are in the right place. If you could just have a seat—”

“Does it say what she was admitted for?” The doctor told me next to nothing on the phone.

“Mr. Andrews, the doctor will come out—”

“Just tell me if she is okay.”

“Like I said, the doctor—”

“Yeah, yeah, got it, the doctor is the only one who can tell me. Fine.” I exhaled sharply. “I’ll be right over there.” I pointed to the waiting area. “Please tell the doctor I’d like to see him as soon as possible.”

I made my way over to the waiting area and sat down. I tried sitting back, but my leg started bouncing uncontrollably so I sat forward, my elbows balanced on my thighs.

Twenty minutes later, Natalie burst through the main entrance. I stood up and went over to her.

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

I thought everything was moving in slow motion before, but I was wrong.
Now
things were moving in slow motion.

“What did the doctors say?”

“Nothing. Not yet. They still haven’t come out.”

“How can I help?” Natalie asked quietly.

I rubbed my face with one hand and then looked over at her. It just wasn’t fair, what I’d done to her and now the moment she was back in my life, subjecting her to my fucked up family. She deserved more than that.

“Just stay with me.”

She held my hand and squeezed.

Natalie

My stomach wrenched.

As I sat with him, sipping bad waiting room coffee, I tried to figure out why I was here. Why I was sitting in this waiting room. Was it because I was concerned about Ainsley? Yes. Was it because I still wanted to know, needed to know why he’d done such a horrible thing with Dr. Lerner? Yes. Or was it because I just wanted to see him?

Yes.

Yes to all of the above.

I got up and started to pace around the small waiting room. I paused on the opposite side of the room, studying a chart about diabetes prevention.

I looked over at him. He was still hunched over, staring down at the floor, his leg bouncing. Okay, now was not the time to pummel him with questions, he was clearly very distraught.
Or
maybe it would help distract him from worrying.
Yes, distraction,
I thought. Maybe it was actually the perfect time.

I walked back over to him and sat down. “Hey, Ryan?”

He turned to me and smiled weakly, “Yeah, babe?”

Babe? He called me babe. Did he mean to? Or was he just tired and distraught? I looked back at him, and those deep, sad eyes, well, it made me almost lose my train of thought.
Focus, Reese!

“Do you want to talk ab—”

And like fucking clockwork, a doctor decided this was the perfect moment to appear. “Ryan Andrews?” she asked, looking up from her clipboard.

Ryan’s head whipped up, and he quickly stood to meet the doctor.

“I’m Ryan Andrews. Is she okay? What happened?”

The doctor gestured for him to follow her. I started to follow them both. “Sorry hun, family only.”

Ryan glanced over at me and then back to the doctor. “She’s my wife.”

The doctor nodded and held the door open for me as I tried to keep my eyebrows from hitting the ceiling. I mean, I knew it was just so I could go in with him, but still…

“Doctor, are you going to tell us what happened?”

The doctor looked at us, and then down at her chart. “I’m sorry, Mr. Andrews. I thought someone had briefed you. Miss Andrews had another suicide attempt.”