The Legend (43 page)

“He’s
awake?” Casten asked softly leaning into my side.

“Yeah,” I
answered back still standing near the door with Casten. The doctor was
explaining the last set of scans they did this morning as dad stared out the
window.

After a
moment, the doctor left leaving the four of us alone. Arie would have been here
but she left with Emma and Alley to get clothing and necessities from
Mooresville. They were set to be back tonight before me and the sprint car guys
left.

Justin and
Tyler had missed the Outlaw Speedweeks as did I. No one wanted to leave. But
now, we had no choice but to be in Eldora and then Florida. Sponsors paid for
exposure and we weren’t much exposure if we were holed up in a hospital.

Casten
moved to stand next to the bed when the doctor left.

“Hey dad,”
he whispered softly coming into his view.

Dad’s eyes
shifted toward his voice but he didn’t move his head. He seemed drowsy but it
was probably the medication.

He didn’t
respond to Casten but he did look at him and that seemed to be an improvement.

A few
minutes passed and we were about to leave them alone again when dad spoke, we
both turned back to him looking at us. “Don’t
...
”
Grimacing, he swallowed as those speaking hurt. “
...
please
...
stay?”

I looked
over at mom who then turned back to dad with tears in her eyes. “Baby, Axel has
to leave for Eldora. Casten and I can stay with you though.”

He
swallowed again grimacing in pain as he tried to speak. “W-h-h-here
...
dad?” his eyes drifted to me for the first
time leaning against the door.

The
emotions surfaced again and I saw myself trying to save their lives. I saw
myself holding his head and him looking up at me with blood all over him, his
eyes never more green that they were in that moment. And now, here he was,
looking at me again. Only this time, there was nothing I could do to save him
from the grief he was about to experience. Because if someone would have told
me that my dad didn’t make it, I’m not so sure I could have handled that.

19.
          
Spindle – Jameson

Spindle – A
spindle is part of the suspension system that carries the hub for the wheel and
attaches to the upper and lower control arms.

My dreams
were strange when I slept and I seemed to do that a lot and for days at a time.
I wasn’t sure if it was sleeping or if I was dead.

I saw
images of my kids when they were younger, Sway was holding them, and then they
were following me. I was walking and looked behind me to see all three of them
walking behind me in my exact footsteps.

Axel
smiled at me. “Look daddy, I’m just like you!”

I remember
that time on the beach in Ocean Shores. It felt real again, the smells, the
light mist of rain, and the crisp cool air as it moved inward from the coast.

I saw
Sway. I saw me hovering over her drenched in sweat, her begging me not to let
go and kissing me frantically. I reassured her I would never let go of her. Her
hands clung to my skin and begged me again. I told her I wouldn’t but my voice
wasn’t there.

I saw my
parents, only my dad was walking away from her. Mom was smiling but crying. I tried
to comfort her too but nothing happened. My mind seemed to shift through
memories each one telling me something different.

But
one thing remained the same.

My dad.

He wasn’t
in them any longer after he said he loved me and that felt strange to me.

Then I was
awake again, the dim lights of the room were comforting. Movements and sounds
felt unfamiliar but I saw Sway again. She was standing beside a taller man in a
white coat. I recognized him. He talked to me a lot through the memories I had
and he was in the room a lot.

Sway
touched me again, her voice soft and calm.

The man
beside her spoke but I didn’t hear what he was saying or maybe I didn’t
understand.
Concentrating hurt.
I couldn’t do it for
long.

Movement
occurred in the room and I panicked that they were leaving. I had so many
questions and I didn’t want to be alone. I didn’t want to see the darker images
again and if they were here, maybe I wouldn’t. One question remained the same
for me.

What
happened to my dad?

“W-h-h-here
...
dad?”
My eyes met Axel’s in the corner of the
room; his rigid figure was blurry. Everything was blurry and nothing made sense
to me now.

He didn’t
answer me. I looked at Sway, careful not to move my head this time. I didn’t
want the blinding sensation and the gut wrenching nausea to return.

Tears fell
freely from her eyes, down her cheeks. “Jameson,” I watched as her tears
increased.

I knew. My
dreams were right.

“He didn’t
make it.” The words came out slowly from her, echoing in my head. I felt cold,
unbearably cold again.

This can’t
be real, it couldn’t be. He was invisible, how could it be?

I’m not
sure how much time went by.

When I
focused again Sway was the only one in the room again.

“Are you
okay?” Sway asked; her hand ran across my cheek. The feeling radiated threw me.
I felt like I’d been jolted by the sensation.

I wanted
to lie to her and tell her I was. But I wasn’t. I was confused, scared and most
of all tired.

Lying to
her right now wouldn’t change anything. I wasn’t okay but neither was Sway. He
was just as important to her as he was to me.

Spindle – Sway

“Why don’t
you two leave us alone for just a few minutes,” I whispered to the boys.

I could
tell they wanted to stay but they also knew that Jameson needed a few minutes.
He was just told his dad was gone. Hell, I even thought about leaving him alone
but I also knew him well enough that he didn’t need to be alone right now. He
needed me. He needed me as a spindle supporting the weight of the control arms.

Once they
stepped out, I made my way over to the bed again. My hand touched his bare arm
that was freed from the thick blanket. His skin felt different to the touch but
I couldn’t place why. Maybe it was from the methanol burns.

His eyes
that were once focused on the window, shifted toward mine.

“W
...
w
...
when?”
His tough demeanor broke and his chin started to shake; his eyes blinked
quickly, like he was trying not to cry.

I took a
breath, determined to be brave for him.

“It was an
accident, Jameson.” I told him hoping he’d hear me this time. “That’s all it
was.”

“No.” he
tried to take a deep breath but failed, wincing in pain. I could see the anger
surfacing that his body wouldn’t respond to basic movements. It was frustrating
him that it was so painful. His body had been through so much I was mad at
myself for even telling him so soon after he woke up.

“Jameson,
I don’t know what to say to you. I wish it wasn’t real, I really do.”

He stared
at me for a long moment before the tears spilled over the dark bruises on his
cheeks, his stare returned to the window. “It was
...
n’t
...
supposed
...
” he swallowed trying to speak. “
...
hh
...
a
...
ppen
.” His distant cold gaze met mine for a second then returned to the
window. “
...
not
...
like
that.” He mumbled, his speech slurring.

“This
isn’t your fault.”

He didn’t
say anything, didn’t even acknowledge that I was speaking.

There was
nothing that I could say to him at that point to make this any easier on him.
To Jameson, he lost a legend. But I would be there for him. I would be his tire
within a tire, his safety shield, his spindle; I would be anything he needed me
to be. I would provide him the same support he provided me when Charlie died.

Life
changes, people die. But it’s not every day a man with Jimi’s clout dies.

In the
sprint car racing world, and that included Jameson, it was as though their
world leader had died. The significance of that had yet to sink in for us.

Death is
never easy. Suddenly someone you spent every day seeing is now a memory. You
didn’t ask for it but you’re forced to deal with all the shit that comes with
it, whether you want to or not. Undeniably, there’s a side of death that no one
considers.
Dealing with it.
Making a
life without them.

Over the
last three weeks, we were dealing with it, trying to keep his memory alive, but
it wasn’t easy and it wasn’t supposed to be. Like I said, death is never easy.

“Jameson?”
he wouldn’t look at me, just stared out the window.

I was
crying again by that point but I had him to think about. If I broke completely,
that just made it worse for him. I needed to be strong. I kept repeating to
myself to be his spindle.

Wiping the
tears away with the sleeve of my sweater, I gently climbed in bed next to him,
careful of the wires and tubes still attached in various places.

His eyes
closed when I got close. He tried to clear his throat but winced when he did
so, then grunted in pain. For a moment, it seemed that I had caused more pain
for him.

I tried to
move again, afraid I was causing more damage by lying with him but his hand
touched mine, his voice low and raspy. “No
...
s-s-s-stay
. Don’t
...
please.”

I didn’t
leave. I laid there with him until he dosed off again.

Casten was
right, if anyone felt this loss the greatest and would assume the weight of it,
that was Jameson.

He fell
asleep within a few minutes and I was grateful he was resting. I watched him
sleeping carefully detailing everything I saw in the event it was the last time
I saw him. I wanted to remember every detail. I don’t know why, but I did.
Maybe that was my way of dealing with death, holding on to what was in front of
me.

Casten
came back in the room and the low lights and humming of the electronics put him
to sleep in a chair beside Jameson.

My mind went
back to a memory of Casten and Jameson when Casten was a baby.

Casten was
small just like the rest of our kids with plump cheeks and my nose. Jameson was
kissing the top of his head, saying the words into his hair with his eyes on
mine. “I can’t believe we have another son.”

Casten
didn’t move, sleeping against his chest. Jameson adjusted him in his arms
trying to turn him so I could see my little guy. “He looks like Axel but I see
my dad in him too.”

“Me too.”
I told
him. “He has your dad’s eyes, like the shape and everything.”

I gasped
at the memory, Casten still had Jimi’s eyes only they were grass green, not the
piercing blue Jimi had.

Casten
woke up, hungry of course, and smiled at me. He was always good for a smile. “I
told grandma I would get her some ice cream. Do you want anything? Lane’s gonna
take me to the store.”

“Yeah,
some water would be great.” I reached inside my purse on the floor for money.
“Here…”

He took
the money and then gave me a look.
The look.
“You need
to eat mom. I’ll get you food too.” Just as he was about to leave, he stopped
by the glass door and looked back at Jameson and then me and smiled again. “You
might want to tuck in that picture, mom.”

I tried not
to laugh, but I did. That picture from the magazine, the one next to the condom
ad, yeah well I had that folded up in my bra. It’s right where Jameson would
have wanted to be. So I put him there.

When
Jameson woke up a few hours later, I was right by Jameson’s side again.

“Can I get
you anything?”

He seemed
confused for a few minutes, taking in the room and me, and then closed his eyes
before looking over at the window. His gaze was that distant cold shield that I
couldn’t judge. Jameson was there but there were times when I could tell he
still
wasn’t
there.

This would
take time and I knew that but he also surprised me with how much of him was
really there. I guess you could say the instincts were there, he wanted to be
lucid, and he was fighting like hell to be but his body was telling him he
wasn’t ready.