The Kryptonite Kid: A Novel (6 page)

YOUR PAL,

JERRY

PS: We checked the E’s and the F’s and the G’s and Hawaii and it isn’t there. And since everybody in Metropolis speaks English then it must be in America huh? It’s not in England is it? They speak English there also you know.

GOSH, SUPERMAN,

We just read ACTION COMICS NO. 368 and Robert hated it almost as much as I did and I REALLY hated it. It was the AWFULEST adventure you ever had, even awfuller than the time you got changed into a giant ant after you got exposed to some Red Kryptonite when you was trying to save the world from doom. You know, sometimes I think that Red Kryptonite is even worse than Green Kryptonite but none of them’s as bad as Gold Kryptonite which can take away all your Super powers and make you just ordinary but not dead.

Anyway, in ACTION COMICS NO. 368 I really HATED how there was no more crime in the world and everybody was good and so the policemen had no more work to do except help little kids across the street. And it was TERRIBLE how there was no more disasters in the world and so you didn’t have any lifes to save. And you didn’t have any floods to throw back. And so the world didn’t need Superman nomore.

It was REALLY bad on page one where all the policemen was playing checkers and the captin said, “Nobody’s so much as jaywalked for a month, Superman! Half my officers and detectives are counting stolen loot that criminels voluntarily turned in!” And so you looked at him and said, “GREAT KRYPTON!” And then you said, “Earth is now a crimeless, warless, trouble-free world! And I fit in like a vegetarian at a steak barbecue!”

And you know what, Superman? I wanted to CRY because things were so bad! That’s why I’m glad it didn’t last long because then nobody would need you anymore except me and Robert because we’ll ALWAYS need you. And if there wasn’t nomore crimes then there wouldn’t be no more sins and then the priests wouldn’t have a job either and then nobody would believe in you or God or nothing. They’d just believe in themselves.

So me and Robert wanted to let you know we don’t hate Luthor or Mr. Mxyzptlk! so much anymore even if they are REALLY bad. I hope you understand. What we’re trying to say is you shouldn’t chase too many criminels too quick. And if you do then maybe it’d be a good idea if you let a couple of them excape every once in a while. Because if people didn’t be so BAD then you wouldn’t be so GOOD and so I hope you understand.

Thank you, Mr. Crime fighter!

Your VERY good friends,

JERRY and ROBERT

PS: I hope you don’t think we like criminels or anything like that. We still hate them. Only we don’t really hate them. So long, Man of Steel.

Dear LOIS LANE,

I am the Lord thy God and thou shalt not think that Clark Kent is thy Superman. Amen.

Yours truely,

 
God the Father Almighty 

Heaven, U.S.A.

Dear SUPERMAN,

Well you don’t have to worry about Lois Lane anymore for a while. You’re welcome.

JERRY and ROBERT SIPANNO

   

  

Dear Superman,

WE FOUND IT! WE FOUND IT! We found it in World Book Encyclopedia VOL. 9 under Illinoise which is where it’s at! GOSH, Superman, I’m happy! I’m REALLLLLLLLLLLY happy! And so is my friend Robert. On the map it says that Metropolis is about 37 degrees North and 80 degrees West and the dot isn’t as big as I expected but it isn’t as small as some of them. BOY OH BOY OH BOY, SUPERMAN! I knew all along I’d find it. I KNEW it! Robert wasn’t so sure because when we got to Hawaii he said maybe we should stop for a while but I said NO! See, I told you. I AM getting Super branes! Aren’t you glad? Goodby.

ALMOST SUPER-JERRY

(and Robert too)

  

PS: As soon as we get a chance, Robert’s gonna tell Sister Mary Justin where it’s at. Boy I can’t wait to see her face when we tell her!

Dear Superman again,

I know I wrote you a letter last night but I just HAD to write to you again today and let you know again how REALLY glad I was that we found it in Illinoise. I’m even gladder than I’ve ever been in my entire hole life. Of course when I develop ALL my Super powers and get 
to fly to Metropolis, Illinoise, then that’ll be the gladdest moment I ever had. But until then rig’ht now is my gladdest entire moment and that’s why I wanted to say Thank You Thank You Thank You Thank YouThankYouThank You Thank YOU thank YOU thank YOU thank YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

I LOVE YOU, SUPER PAL!

Jerry Chariot

Dear SUPERman,

We’re supposed to be starting our Religion homework now but I just HAD to write you a letter right away and tell you about the dream I had which is VERY importent because it miglit save your life from death.

You see, Superman, last niglit I drempt that somebody gave you a gold coin which is JUST like the one my Ant Hellen has which is real old and real g’old. And she said she’s gonna give it to me someday when I grow up when she dies. That’s why I always have to kiss her every time we go visit her and Uncle Dominic every Sunday. Except I don’t like to kiss her mouth because it’s all wrinkled and ugly but I do it anyway especially when she lets me look at that gold coin she’s gonna give me if I keep on kissing her. So I do.

Only the coin I dreamed about wasn’t real gold because it was Gold Kryptonite and it took away ALL your Super powers, Superman. And that’s when you saw this woman with a baby going across the street and a truck was coming and the truck didn’t have any breaks and so you ran into a phone booth in front of Andy’s Donuts and turned into 
Superman. Only you didn’t know you wasn’t Super nomore. And so you jumped right in front of the truck and you put out your hands and yelled,

“THIS IS A JOB . . . FOR SUPERMAN!”

Which is when the truck ran over you and the mother and the baby too. And then it ran right into Bacchio’s News Stand and it killed Mrs. Bacchio when she was standing behind the counter where I always buy my comicbooks every Monday after school when Mr. Durrelli brings them in at 4 o’clock. And that’s why I thought I should tell you about that dream RIGHT away so you can be REAL careful in case Mr. Mxyzptlk! or somebody gives you a gold coin. Goodby.

YOUR FRIEND JERRY CHARIOT