The Knowing: Awake in the Dark (26 page)

Maggie raised her three children and remains happily married. Maggie has two standard schnauzers she shows professionally and breeds. Oh, how she loves those dogs. We talk often and remain close.

Aaron remains incarcerated and has at least seventy years left on his sentence to serve. I saw him only once after his arrest. I’d gone to the jail where he was held to ask him why he had done the things he was accused of. 

Aaron shuffled, unsteady in handcuffs and ankle chains, to a chair in a small cage enclosed in Plexiglas, wearing a bright orange jumpsuit with numbers in bold black stenciling across his back. My heart pumped wildly and my hands were frozen. I felt ethereal, like an apparition of myself, as I picked up the receiver in the booth where I sat.

Aaron immediately started to ramble, “I didn’t do it. I’m being set up by those mother fuckers. Just read the police reports, the guy they’re looking for was described as a Mexican or a black man. A fucking Mexican. It wasn’t me, they’re setting me up.”

Aaron’s mouth was dry and his eyes were glassy and dilated. He had a faraway look as though he was somewhere else. I realized he was. I couldn’t respond - I felt trapped in time - literally unable to move. The Aaron I’d known was no longer present, he was completely gone. I didn’t know the stranger who sat before me and I wanted to run, to bolt from the room, to exorcise the very existence of this man. As I looked into his eyes, the Aaron I had known, slipped away. What I saw within him deeply disturbed and frightened me. I’d secretly harbored hope that maybe he really didn’t do it. I did not want Aaron to be a rapist, but any hope I had flew away. I know what I saw and it left no room for doubt.

I never asked him, why? I spoke only once saying, “I have to go now.” I stood on shaky legs, exiting the room and never looking back. We have had no contact since that day nor have the children expressed any interest in having contact with him or his family.

I never made contact with Aaron’s ex-girlfriend, who I’d only met the one time all those years ago at his house. Raine and Elizabeth have a half-brother somewhere and I imagine him well and happy.

Dylan and I dated monogamously for a year and had fallen in love. We decided to move in together and see where things would go. My mother lived with us and worked part-time. Dylan and my mother loved one another and got on well. It seemed we’d begun to build a family together.

After a year we relocated as a family back east. We’d lived there for another year when my mother returned to California, with a cancerous brain tumor that took her life less than a year later. She died at age fifty-six, only four years after our return and one month after my wedding to Dylan.

I still see and hear her frequently. It was my mother who pushed me to write this book some ten years before I committed to writing full time. We were living in Kennebunkport, Maine and I was alone in my room when I felt my mother’s presence. She said, “It’s time you wrote your book.”

“I can’t. I don’t know how to start or what to say.”

“Just put a pen to paper and it will come.”

I sat still and sighed.

“There’s a pad next to the bed in your room. Go get it, Nita and get started.”

That was how I began.

Ten years after my mother died, Dylan and I sat eating dinner one night and I said, “My mom was here today and she had a great idea for us.”

Dylan’s face lit up and he replied, “Really? How is Caroline? Is she good? What did she say?” That’s how Dylan responded to me, unquestioning with my odd gifts.

We lived in Virginia for nine years, during which time we had gotten married and Dylan wanted to adopt the children. We discovered, in our case, adoption was not in the best interest of the children. Because I’d never married Aaron, paternity had to be proven which meant Aaron would be contacted in jail, and our whereabouts would be revealed. This would once again place us in danger.  We went to court where a judge, in an order of protection, sealed the children’s birth certificates, supplied them with new Social Security numbers and legally changed their sir names to Dylan’s sir name in an attempt to keep them safe from their biological father. I’d presented a letter from the prosecutor’s office that explained what had happened when I’d fled the country. It read in part:

Ms. McKenna was an essential source of information in the investigation of Aaron Goddard. She was also an important witness against him at trial. Mr. Goddard was well aware of the role of Ms. McKenna and indicated that her life would be in danger if he ever was released. After Mr. Goddard was convicted and incarcerated in state prison, a former cell mate of his made attempts to contact Ms. McKenna. These included the apparent theft of court documents and records. This happened on at least one occasion and may very well have involved several other occasions. Additionally we received information that the defendant threatened to have other persons in and out of state prison also attempt to locate Ms. McKenna. It is my belief that Aaron Goddard could be a grave threat to Ms. McKenna if she is located….

The letter referred to the men who came to my house with guns in an obvious attempt to do harm. Both, Raine and Elizabeth know the truth of their paternity, but for them Dylan was and is their father. Throughout their lives he administered his special brand of love, patience and laughter and helped them to become strong, steady people.

Elizabeth can always be counted on to get her father’s jokes and mirrored his lightning wit and sense of humor, while Raine inherited Dylan’s thought process. Both children have Clairs of their own, although differently.

Raine went through a period of angry defiance, sneaking out of windows, cutting school, and fighting authority and on and on. Raine overcame his adversity and grew into a man who is self-aware and always trying to improve himself. Raine possesses a strong ability for clairvoyance.

He married quite young and fathered a daughter who is a stunning and sweet child. She dubbed me “Sugar” and what better gift could I ask for than to be called such a sweet name? She, too, shares some Clairs, the
knowing
or Claircognizance most strongly. I remain eager to watch other Clairs unfold.

Elizabeth followed the rules but had her own struggles. She, like many of us, struggled with low self-esteem. Elizabeth had to find worth within herself and is now a strong woman who knows her own mind. She was born with all of the Clairs but prefers to do nothing to strengthen or enhance her ability. She married in her mid-twenties and gave birth to a daughter. This child is well gifted with all of the Clairs too, and is beautiful and strong like her mother.

When Delilah, Elizabeth’s daughter was born, I had been there to help. One morning while mother and baby slept, I slipped out to take a run. I jogged beneath the shade of tall trees surrounded in the cool morning air when I became aware of my mother’s presence. Smiling, I addressed her in my mind.
Hi, Mom. Isn’t Delilah beautiful?

Yes, and when you look into her eyes you’ll see an aspect of me. We share soul intent, I have come with her.

What?
I asked stopping my run.
How can that be?

Remember Nita, we are all one. I don’t have to re-incarnate to have life experience. We share our experience in the same way we share with our guides, our higher self. Some would say that I’m one of her guides. The lessons I learn on other levels of consciousness are available to Delilah should she choose to access them.

Of course. Why haven’t I ever thought of it like that?

It was my illusion we are all separate and the belief that there is something greater than ourselves, that we don’t have access to or we are not worthy of, kept my limited thinking alive.

The information felt right to me although I knew it was in absolute opposition to what most people believed. But, then again, most of my experiences were and therefore hard for others to believe.

Raine and Elizabeth are close today and live together sharing an apartment. They moved in together two years after Elizabeth and her husband separated. They each struggle with the past and try to support one another as best they can. They are learning who they are as adults and working hard to find their way.

Dylan and I remain together and truly happy. Our lives are filled with laughter, thanks to Dylan’s wit and good humor. We feel blessed for our time together. He is my constant inspiration.

His love dared me to stand in my truth and step unflinching into my power. When I worried what his family and others might think he would say, “Don’t worry about what people think. Be who you are. You have a gift. Don’t hide it, use it. I don’t care what people think.” He is an exceptional man and I am a lucky, lucky girl.

While living in Arizona I was invited to speak to a woman’s group about intuition.

I wanted to explain the Clairs for them, so they might recognize their own ability. I struggled to isolate instances that were so common-place for me. Elizabeth, who was an adult and a mother herself, helped me to organize my thoughts in a conversation one afternoon.

“I need help” I said into the phone, “I’m trying to think of examples of each Clair for a talk I’m giving and I’m struggling with it.”

“What part?” she asked.

“All of it. It’s hard to break it down. I think I’m making it more complicated than it is. Maybe I should skip it.” I said.

“No, don’t do that. I think it’s important to explain it,” she said. “Tell me again, Mom, each Clair, because I grew up with this stuff and I still get confused. Like what’s the one called when you hear voices or when you can hear Gran talk to you even though she’s dead?”

“Clairaudience.” I answered quickly.

“Okay, audio, I get that one,” she replied. “What’s the one that gives you pictures? You know, the one you passed on to your innocent children, where we can see people who are dead or those flashes in our mind of what’s coming? Or worse, when you traumatized us by seeing things in your magical little mind that a normal parent wouldn’t have been able to see.”

“Cute, Elizabeth, you two are definitely not innocent. Anyway, that’s Clairvoyance.”

“Yes, I think that one is more familiar to people because they have heard it before. Which Clair is it that you said is so common, the one where you can smell? Like when I swear I can smell Gran or that time in Scotland when the pantry smelled like rotting trash? Remember that? Totally creepy.”

“Yes, I remember,” I replied picturing the pantry in my mind. “That is called Clairellience and is probably the most common Clair. That’s a hard one to remember.”

“Okay, so there’s what, three out of five?”

“Yep.”

“I think the easiest one is the knowing or what us normal people call ‘gut’ instinct. Everyone has experienced intuition at least once. When you just have a feeling about something random and it turns out you were right. Don’t tell me, I know this one. Clair-- um, Clair--”

“Cognizant,” I interrupted. “Claircognizant.”

“Yes! It was on the tip of my tongue, thanks for that, I almost had it. Now, how about the one I’m good at? The one where I know what a person is really feeling.”

“That, my dear, is Clairsentient.” I replied, tickled at the smile of pride in her voice.

“See. That was easy right? Just say that.”

Amused with my daughter, I said, “Thanks, Elizabeth. What would I do without you?”

“You’d be lost,” she replied.

It has taken most of my adult life to tell my story and not be afraid for myself or my children. I asked their permission to reveal our past and both said similar things. Raine replied, “Just tell the story, Mom. I’m not afraid and I’m proud of our past. I’m proud of you.”

Elizabeth said, “I think you have to tell the whole thing because it will help other people. Others need to know that they can overcome anything. Tell it. I’m not afraid.”

I am so proud of our children and the people they have become and I owe them a debt of gratitude for bringing me to my truth. They are my greatest teachers and the largest catalyst of change in my life.

I have stayed true to my story and how the events unfolded. I hope by telling it, I in no way hurt or bring pain to those women who showed incredible courage and perseverance in giving their testimony all those years ago.

I believe we each have a unique path and truth that are inextricably linked. Because our truths might be different does not make us wrong. On the contrary, our truths are exactly right for each of us. Our choices aren’t right or wrong, they simply reflect what we are seeking to learn and our soul intent. We are always where we need to be, learning what we need to learn.

Healing starts with the decision to heal, letting go of judgment and allowing forgiveness. If we can start with that, we are on our way.