The Imperfection of Swans (31 page)

CASPER

THIS WAS
why Casper trusted fate. If he’d slowed down to consider jumping into Bella Dolce, he would have missed all of this. The excitement of getting the building ready, making it exactly how they wanted it to be. The chance to leap and just go for it.

He would have missed out on Kevin. On making love to this beautiful, driven, complex man, on seeing Kevin as he had looked riding him a little while ago. He’d always loved watching Kevin as they had sex, but to see him take pleasure from Casper’s body after they’d finally proclaimed love was incomparable.

He knew it made him a pathetic, sappy romantic, but he didn’t care. It was the happiest moment of his life.

And now, ten minutes later, he was going to ruin it. Throw it all away.

He’d wanted to ask for weeks. Months, actually. He couldn’t postpone it any longer. He’d just told Kevin that he loved him. If he truly loved him, he couldn’t keep silent.

But he could. It had been fine so far. Better than fine. Look where they were. The building close to being finished. They were in a relationship. They were having killer sex. They’d just said “love.”

It could wait. It would be fine.

Casper ran his hand over Kevin’s back as they lay nestled together. He wished he hadn’t. It wasn’t going to be fine.

Kevin’s whisper startled him, and he flinched. “What’s wrong, Casper?”

Was he that obvious? “Nothing, why?”

“Your body went rigid, and your breathing sounds like mine before a panic attack.” Kevin sounded afraid to ask what came next. “Was the L-word too much?”

“No!” Casper started to pull away from Kevin so he could sit up, but he didn’t want to lose the physical contact, even for a moment. He drew his arm tighter around Kevin’s back.

“What’s wrong?” The tension in Kevin’s voice rose, and Casper knew where that would lead.

Of course, a panic attack would be better than Kevin leaving, which was exactly what he was going to do.

But Casper had said he loved him.

And he did.

So he would do it. Even if it cost him everything.

He had to force himself to speak, and even then his words were barely more than a murmur. “Kev, are you bulimic?”

Casper could swear Kevin’s body temperature dropped, that he got colder, even as Casper held him.

When Kevin didn’t respond, Casper rushed ahead, trying to fill in the silence. Fix the damage. “You’ve just gotten so much thinner lately. So quickly. I mean, you’ve always been in killer shape. But your muscles are even getting thinner. I’m just worried.”

There was a mixture of fear and hurt in Kevin’s voice, if Casper was hearing correctly. “I’m sorry. I can work out more, get the muscles back.”

Casper laughed. Fuck him, he hadn’t meant to, but he did. He laughed. “Work out more? Babe, is that even possible?”

“Well, if you’re not finding me attractive, then—”

Casper pulled his arm out from behind Kevin and sat up in one quick motion. “It has nothing to do with not being attracted to you. I’ve never been so attracted to anyone. You’re gorgeous. I’m just scared a bit.”

Kevin didn’t answer, but Casper could hear it in his breathing. The attack was coming. And it was Casper’s fault. He’d told Kevin he loved him and then did this to him.

He should get out of bed and grab one of Kevin’s pills.

He should say he was sorry.

“Babe, are you bulimic?”

What was wrong with him?

Kevin didn’t speak, but rolled over and took a pill from the pocket of his jeans beside the bed. He sat up and partially angled toward Casper, but not fully.

If Kevin would just look at him, he’d know if he’d pushed too far. Tentatively, Casper reached out and took Kevin’s hand. That almost always seemed to help, as long as he hadn’t already slipped too far into his anxiety.

Kevin spoke, though he still didn’t look up. “No.”

He shouldn’t have asked. It was a stupid thing to do. What was he supposed to do now? He knew Kevin was lying. So now what? Ask again and push Kevin away, or just shut up and hope that Kevin quit getting thinner?

Kevin’s gaze flicked to his, then away. “I used to. I was… every day for a while. I got ahold of it in college.”

Okay. That was hopeful. Kevin sounded weak, but not angry, and at least that was truer.

Did he keep pushing?

Kevin didn’t give him the chance. “I started that in ninth grade. I needed to look good for plays and such. But like I said. I got ahold of it in college and figured out better ways to manage.”

Casper knew a little about eating disorders, but not much beyond seeing an episode or two about them on
Oprah
. He had no idea what he was doing.

Everything wrong was what he was doing. And he couldn’t seem to stop.

“So, like when we went to Giacomo’s and before that with your family after the loan closing?”

Kevin went limp, his shoulders slumping and head dropping, a loud sob wracking his body, then tears.

For a moment Casper was afraid to do anything, but like everything else he’d done since opening his stupid mouth, he just kept going. He scooted closer and wrapped Kevin in his arms and pulled him against his chest.

Kevin pulled away, but only for a moment, his body going slack again, letting himself be held as he sobbed, occasionally wiping the back of his hand over his nose.

Casper wasn’t sure how long they stayed in that position. Long enough that his hips and legs tingled in numbness. He didn’t care. He wasn’t going to move for anything.

At long last, Kevin mumbled something, but Casper didn’t catch it. “I’m sorry, babe. I don’t know what you said.”

He took in a ragged breath, then spoke louder. “I’m so embarrassed.”

Surprisingly Casper hadn’t cried; he’d been too worried about what to do, but at those words, tears spilled over. “Kev, you don’t need to be embarrassed. I’m just worried. I love you.”

“I’m such a mess, Casper. There’s no way you can love me now. Or at least no way you’ll stay.”

“I’m not going anywhere. I promise.” God, he meant that. And that scared him just as much as anything else. Charu’s warning about rescuing echoed in his mind.

Kevin shook his head against Casper’s chest. “You can’t promise that. You don’t know.”

“Do you want to tell me, just get it out?”

Another head shake, more tears.

That was fine. He wouldn’t push any further. He’d done too much damage as it was.

Casper had thought Kevin had fallen asleep against him when he finally spoke again.

“I only make myself do that when I don’t have any other choice about eating. Like when my family has those huge fucking meals. And when you took me to Giacomo’s. It’s maybe only four or five times a year. I was so afraid you knew. You kept asking about why I checked my watch.”

A part of Casper wanted to ask about that. He figured it had something to do with needing to not wait too long. He also wanted to encourage Kevin to keep talking. Casper stayed silent.

“I’m really okay. I don’t do that very much. I control it in safe ways now. Working out, eating healthy, and small portions.”

Casper thought that was called anorexia, but he wasn’t sure, and doubted it would help to say, so he still remained silent. He did lower his head and kiss Kevin’s hair.

Kevin suddenly sat upright and looked Casper dead in the eyes. “I promise I’m not lying. I hardly ever… do that anymore.”

Casper still couldn’t bring himself to speak, but Kevin must have read his thoughts.

“Really. I’m losing weight because it hurts to eat. My stupid stomach is on fire all the time. It will get better when we get the business going. It’s just all this stress. The acid always gets worse when I’m really stressed.” Kevin finally looked away.

They were both silent for a moment.

“Do you believe me?”

Casper had to pause before answering. He didn’t believe it was only the acid that was making him lose weight, but he did believe Kevin about how often he was making himself throw up. That seemed to be Kevin’s biggest worry. “Kev….” He waited until Kevin met his gaze once more. “I believe you.”

Kevin’s shoulders slumped in relief, but he turned away again. “I’m sorry.”

Good God, Kevin was killing him. “Kevin, you have nothing to be sorry to me about. Nothing at all. I love you. I’m not mad. Not a bit. I just don’t want to lose you. I just found you.” And his stupid tears were happening again.

“I shouldn’t have let us start this. I shouldn’t have slept with you that night. If I hadn’t, you wouldn’t have asked me out. You wouldn’t have had to go through any of this. You wouldn’t have to—”

“Kevin.” Casper made his voice sharp. “None of that. Cut that shit out.”

“But—”

“No! Look at me.” Casper put pressure on Kevin’s chin, softening his tone. “Look at me.”

He did. Slowly, but he did. And the sight nearly cut Casper in two.

He’d somehow gotten used to Kevin’s anxiety, to the panic attacks, to seeing him stressed and frantic. But never weak. Not even when he was sobbing and barely able to breathe. Even in those moments, there was some strange strength, a wall that Kevin managed to keep up.

The eyes that met Casper’s gaze this time were broken, hurting, and scared.

He took Kevin’s face between his hands. “You listen, and don’t you question it. I love you. I wouldn’t change a bit; you’re the best thing I’ve ever had in my life. Ever. I love you. And I’m not going anywhere.”

Kevin was able to give a small nod before Casper pulled him to his chest once more.

It felt like they sat that way for hours. Casper was fairly certain they did. At some point, his light caresses over Kevin’s hair and back became kisses.

Near dawn, they made love again. Slow and sad. And full of promises.

Promises that terrified Casper. But he meant every single one of them.

KEVIN

A TWENTY-FOUR-YEAR-OLD
secret takes on an existence of its own. At some point, it becomes a living entity, and Kevin could swear that it made choices on its own accord and simply used his body to do so. For years he was terrified someone would find out or notice.

They didn’t.

Nobody. Not friends, not family, not the endless doctors who helped him with his acid reflux. Well, one had, but she hadn’t pushed, and Kevin found a new doctor. But no one else. Not his past boyfriends. Not his husband.

They told him he was beautiful.

They told him they wished they could be in as good of shape as he was.

They praised his ability to have self-control and discipline.

They had envy in their eyes at times, and he loved that.

And while for years he lived in terror that someone would ask or notice—though part of him wanted someone to—after a time, that fear went away. Nobody asked. Nobody noticed.

Kevin had done it right, and it was a fact he was rather proud of. Even as he thought of it now, running full tilt on the treadmill, he had done it right.

A young woman with thinning hair ran at Kevin’s same pace three machines down from him. She was at the gym nearly as much as he was. She drove him insane.

She wasn’t doing it right.

She was skeletal.

Every time he saw her, a flash of annoyance passed over him. She looked weak. Sick and unhealthy. She hadn’t been smart enough to figure it out. You had to find the balance.

If you couldn’t get to the gym, then you didn’t eat. But you only did that for two or three days, tops, and only if there was no other way.

Otherwise, you ate. You ate healthy and you ate clean. And you worked your ass off at the gym.

You avoided dinners with others. You ate alone.

You only threw up when there was no other option.

This woman, who was probably younger than himself but looked decades older, was doing it wrong. She wasn’t in control.

You had to be in control. All the time. There wasn’t room for weakness. There wasn’t room to be passive.

Her house probably was a mess. Her clothes probably weren’t ironed. She probably wasn’t going to last much longer.

Her friends and family had to know.

He was almost her. Just for those few years in high school and college—he had lost control. But even then, he’d managed to not let anyone else know.