The Iceman Cometh (13 page)

Musingly
.

You can’t be too careful about work. It’s the deadliest habit known to science, a great physician once told me. He practiced on street corners under a torchlight. He was positively the only doctor in the world who claimed that rattlesnake oil, rubbed on the prat, would cure heart failure in three days. I remember well his saying to me, “You are naturally delicate, Ed, but if you drink a pint of bad whiskey before breakfast every evening, and never work if you can help it, you may live to a ripe old age. It’s staying sober and working that cuts men off in their prime.”

While he is talking, they turn to him with eager grins. They are longing to
la
ugh, and as he finishes they roar. Even
PARRITT
laughs
.
HICKEY
sleeps on like a dead man, but
HUGO,
who had passed into his customary coma again, head on table, looks up through his thick spectacles and giggles foolishly
.

HUGO

Blinking around at them. As the laughter dies he speaks in his giggling, wheedling manner, as if he were playfully teasing children
. Laugh, leedle bourgeois monkey-faces! Laugh like fools, leedle stupid peoples!

His tone suddenly changes to one of guttural soapbox denunciation and he pounds on the table with a small fist
. I vill laugh, too! But I vill laugh last! I vill laugh at you!

He dec
la
ims his favorite quotation
.

“The days grow hot, O Babylon! ’Tis cool beneath thy villow trees!”
They all hoot him down in a chorus of amused jeering
.
HUGO
is not offended. This is evidently their customary reaction. He giggles good-naturedly
.
HICKEY
sleeps on. They have all forgotten their uneasiness about him now and ignore him
.

LEWIS

Tipsily
.

Well, now that our little Robespierre has got the daily bit of guillotining off his chest, tell me more about your doctor friend, Ed. He strikes me as the only bloody sensible medico I ever heard of. I think we should appoint him house physician here without a moment’s delay.

They all
la
ughingly assent
.

MOSHER

Warming to his subject, shakes his head sadly
.

Too late! The old Doc has passed on to his Maker. A victim of overwork, too. He didn’t follow his own advice. Kept his nose to the grindstone and sold one bottle of snake oil too many. Only eighty years old when he was taken. The saddest part was that he knew he was doomed. The last time we got paralyzed together he told me: “This game will get me yet, Ed. You see before you a broken man, a martyr to medical science. If I had any nerves I’d have a nervous breakdown. You won’t believe me, but this last year there was actually one night I had so many patients, I didn’t even have time to get drunk. The shock to my system brought on a stroke which, as a doctor, I recognized was the beginning of the end.” Poor old Doc! When he said this he started crying. “I hate to go before my task is completed, Ed,” he sobbed. “I’d hoped I’d live to see the day when, thanks to my miraculous cure, there wouldn’t be a single vacant cemetery lot left in this glorious country.”
There is a roar of
la
ughter. He waits for it to die and then goes on sadly
. I miss Doc. He was a gentleman of the old school. I’ll bet he’s standing on a street corner in hell right now, making suckers of the damned, telling them there’s nothing like snake oil for a bad burn.

There is another roar of
la
ughter. This time it penetrates
HICKEY
s
exhausted slumber. He stirs on his chair, trying to wake up, managing to raise his head a litt
le
and force his eyes half open. He speaks with a drowsy, affectionately encouraging smile. At once the laughter stops abruptly and they turn to him startledly
.

HICKEY

That’s the spirit—don’t let me be a wet blanket—all I want is to see you happy—

He slips back into heavy sleep again. They all stare at him, their faces again puzzled, resentful and uneasy
.

CURTAIN

SCENE

The back room only. The black curtain dividing it from the bar is the right wall of the scene. It is getting on toward midnight of the same day
.

The back room has been prepared for a festivity. At center, front, four of the circular tables are pushed together to form one long table with an uneven line of chairs behind it, and chairs at each end. This improvised banquet table is covered with old table cloths, borrowed from a neighboring beanery, and is laid with glasses, plates and cutlery before each of the seventeen chairs. Bottles of bar whiskey are placed at intervals within reach of any sitter. An old upright piano and stool have been moved in and stand against the wall at left, front. At right, front, is a table without chairs. The other tables and chairs that had been in the room have been moved out, leaving a clear floor space at rear for dancing. The floor has been swept clean of sawdust and scrubbed. Even the walls show evidence of having been washed, although the result is only to heighten their splotchy leprous look. The electric light brackets are adorned with festoons of red ribbon. In the middle of the separate table at right, front, is a birthday cake with six candles. Several packages, tied with ribbon, are also on the table. There are two necktie boxes, two cigar boxes, afifth containing a half dozen handkerchiefs, the sixth is a square jeweler’s watch box
.

As the curtain rises
,
CORA
,
CHUCK
,
HUGO
,
LARRY
,
MARGIE
,
PEARL
and
ROCKY
are discovered
.
CHUCK, ROCKY
and the three girls have dressed up for the occasion
.
CORA
is arranging a bouquet of flowers in a vase, the vase being a big schooner glass from the bar, on top of the piano
.
CHUCK
sits in a chair at the foot (left) of the banquet table. He has turned it so he can watch her. Near the middle of the row of chairs behind the table
,
LARRY
sits, facing front, a drink of whiskey before him. He is staring before him in frowning, disturbed meditation. Next to him, on his left
,
HUGO
is in his habitual position, passed out, arms on table, head on arms, a full whiskey glass by his head. By the separate table at right, front
,
MARGIE
and
PEARL
are arranging the cake and presents, and
ROCKY
stands by them. All of them, with the exception of
CHUCK
and
ROCKY
,
have had plenty to drink and show it, but no one, except
HUGO
,
seems to be drunk. They are trying to act up in the spirit of the occasion but there is something forced about their manner, an undercurrent of nervous irritation and preoccupation
.

CORA

Standing back from the piano to regard the flower effect
.

How’s dat, Kid?

CHUCK

Grumpily
.

What de hell do I know about flowers?

CORA

Yuh can see dey’re pretty, can’t yuh, yuh big dummy?

CHUCK

Mollifyingly
.

Yeah, Baby, sure. If yuh like ’em, dey’re aw right wid me.

CORA
goes back to give the schooner of flowers a few more touches
.

MARGIE

Admiring the cake
.

Some cake, huh, Poil? Lookit! Six candles. Each for ten years.

PEARL

When do we light de candles, Rocky?

ROCKY

Grumpily
.

Ask dat bughouse Hickey. He’s elected himself boss of dis boithday racket. Just before Harry comes down, he says. Den Harry blows dem out wid one breath, for luck. Hickey was goin’ to have sixty candles, but I says, Jees, if de old guy took dat big a breath, he’d croak himself.

MARGIE

Challengingly
.

Well, anyways, it’s some cake, ain’t it?

ROCKY

Without enthusiasm
.

Sure, it’s aw right by me. But what de hell is Harry goin’ to do wid a cake? If he ever et a hunk, it’d croak him.

PEARL

Jees, yuh’re a dope! Ain’t he, Margie?

MARGIE

A dope is right!

ROCKY

Stung
.

You broads better watch your step or—

PEARL

Defiantly
.

Or what?

MARGIE

Yeah! Or what?

They glare at him truculently
.

ROCKY

Say, what de hell’s got into youse? It’ll be twelve o’clock and Harry’s boithday before long. I ain’t lookin’ for no trouble.

PEARL

Ashamed
.

Aw, we ain’t neider, Rocky.

For the moment this argument subsides
.

CORA

Over her shoulder
to
CHUCK
—
acidly
.

A guy what can’t see flowers is pretty must be some dumbbell.

CHUCK

Yeah? Well, if I was as dumb as you—

Then mollifyingly
.

Jees, yuh got your scrappin’ pants on, ain’t yuh?

Grins goodnaturedly
.

Hell, Baby, what’s eatin’ yuh? All I’m tinkin’ is, flowers is dat louse Hickey’s stunt. We never had no flowers for Harry’s boithday before. What de hell can Harry do wid flowers? He don’t know a cauliflower from a geranium.

ROCKY

Yeah, Chuck, it’s like I’m tellin’ dese broads about de cake. Dat’s Hickey’s wrinkle, too.

Bitterly
.

Jees, ever since he woke up, yuh can’t hold him. He’s taken on de party like it was his boithday.

MARGIE

Well, he’s payin’ for everything, ain’t he?

ROCKY

Aw, I don’t mind de boithday stuff so much. What gets my goat is de way he’s tryin’ to run de whole dump and everyone in it. He’s buttin’ in all over de place, tellin’ everybody where dey get off. On’y he don’t really tell yuh. He just keeps hintin’ around.

PEARL

Yeah. He was hintin’ to me and Margie.

MARGIE

Yeah, de lousy drummer.

ROCKY

He just gives yuh an earful of dat line of bull about yuh got to be honest wid yourself and not kid yourself, and have de guts to be what yuh are. I got sore. I told him dat’s aw right for de bums in dis dump. I hope he makes dem wake up. I’m sick of listenin’ to dem hop demselves up. But it don’t go wid me, see? I don’t kid myself wid no pipe dream.

PEARL
and
MARGIE
exchange a derisive look. He catches it and his eyes narrow
.

What are yuh grinnin’ at?

PEARL

Her face hard
—
scornfully
.

Nuttin’.

MARGIE

Nuttin’.

ROCKY

It better be nuttin’! Don’t let Hickey put no ideas in your nuts if you wanta stay healthy!

Then angrily
.

I wish de louse never showed up! I hope he don’t come back from de delicatessen. He’s gettin’ everyone nuts. He’s ridin’ someone every minute. He’s got Harry and Jimmy Tomorrow run ragged, and de rest is hidin’ in deir rooms so dey won’t have to listen to him. Dey’re all actin’ cagey wid de booze, too, like dey was scared if dey get too drunk, dey might spill deir guts, or somethin’. And everybody’s gettin’ a prize grouch on.

CORA

Yeah, he’s been hintin’ round to me and Chuck, too. Yuh’d tink he suspected me and Chuck hadn’t no real intention of gettin’ married. Yuh’d tink he suspected Chuck wasn’t goin’ to lay off periodicals—or maybe even didn’t want to.

CHUCK

He didn’t say it right out or I’da socked him one. I told him, “I’m on de wagon for keeps and Cora knows it.”

CORA

I told him, “Sure, I know it. And Chuck ain’t never goin’ to trow it in my face dat I was a tart, neider. And if yuh think we’re just kiddin’ ourselves, we’ll show yuh!”

CHUCK

We’re goin’ to show him!

CORA

We got it all fixed. We’ve decided Joisey is where we want de farm, and we’ll get married dere, too, because yuh don’t need no license. We’re goin’ to get married tomorrow. Ain’t we, Honey?

CHUCK

You bet, Baby.

ROCKY

Disgusted
.