The House (56 page)

“I...I was
going to. I didn’t mean for you to find out like this. I’m sorry…”
I stammered, my mind whirling. My gaze darted haphazardly from
Eddie to the dais.

“But you said
that shifters were infertile, that they hardly ever got...” I cut
across him; telling the High Council all of the ways I’d failed was
not a good idea right then. I could beg for forgiveness later

“Eddie, I
really did think that when I told you. I wasn’t thinking properly,
I just...didn’t think.” I looked down to the floor as Eddie stared
at me. I had a vague awareness that the High Council had said that
they would postpone my trial for the duration of my pregnancy.

Even they
understood what it was to be a shifter and carrying a child. They
would not offer me undue stress and risk the baby, no matter how
dangerous I might be. Although, I still got the impression that if
I stepped out of line, even a little bit, they would be willing to
forgo some of their rules.

“Eddie...” I
started, but he was already walking away and I didn’t blame him. I
should have told him as soon as I found out. I relied on him, I
needed him. Yet I had left him in the dark. I told myself it was
because I wasn’t sure, because there was too much else going on,
but I didn’t really believe it. The truth was that if I had told
Eddie it would have made it all the more real and I couldn’t handle
any more real. I felt I’d had enough real for one lifetime, or at
least a month or two.

We left the
great hall in a sombre mood considering I’d just been given a
reprieve. I had time – we could figure out something, come up with
new arguments. New ways to convince them that I wasn’t such a
danger, even when I thought I probably was.

I held my hand
to my stomach. There was nothing to show for the little ball of
cells that had probably saved my life, and I even felt bad about
that. I didn’t want to have a child just to stop the trial. Then I
remembered that I’d decided to keep it even before I’d gone to the
High Council. I just didn’t know how I felt about using it so. My
child wasn’t even born yet and I was being a horrible parent; I
wasn’t sure how I was going to cope later on.

It was too
late to go home after our rather unspectacular dismissal from the
High Council. I was starting to resent having had to travel for so
long just to be sent home right away, but I wasn’t really
complaining though. I wasn’t exactly off the hook, but it was a
start. A brief reprieve meant more than even I could really know at
that point. I just wasn’t ready to face anything else so soon after
losing Marie.

We stayed
within the High Council building. They had a series of what
appeared to be dorm rooms. I guessed that they were similar to
those at the Covenant except that these were actually smaller.
There were two beds to a room, although I had glanced in at larger
rooms with bunk beds as well. I was with Stripes; they let us all
stay on the same corridor but they hadn’t progressed to letting the
boys and girls sleep in the same room. I doubted that they would
ever progress to that stage of liberalism.

I flopped onto
my bed as soon as we got in. The room was sparse to the point of
being utilitarian. I found I preferred it to the opulence of the
rest of the High Council. It didn’t feel as intimidating. The beds
were comfortable and the covers were still very soft around me.
Clearly, they may have decorated the rooms to be plain but they
still weren’t scrimping on the luxuries. What was actually in the
room was still the very best quality you could get.

I wasn’t tired
enough to sleep, I just wanted the comfort of a bed, of the
blankets and pillows to cuddle. I missed Eddie already. He had
become so normal in my bed that it was wrenching to have to sleep
alone. It was also not a great feeling that it was my own stupidity
that had lost him for me.

“I’ll go and
get him,” Stripes said. She smiled down at me. “They aren’t going
to kill you today – that’s a good thing. And Eddie will come
around; he can’t blame you for not telling him when you’ve only
known a day. Although why you told Jalas I don’t know.” There was
the hint of an accusation in her words. She would never have pushed
me, but she would have made sure that the next person I told after
her was Eddie.

“I didn’t tell
him,” was all I could bring myself to say. I was far too
comfortable with Jalas in my mind. He had trained me so many times
it felt natural. Sometimes I forgot that he could be a right
bastard about things. It would be something I would remember in the
future.

I lay on my
bed, still in my court dress, as I waited. I didn’t know if I
wanted Eddie to come in or not. I kept telling myself that he just
needed time and space. Then I thought that he needed explanations
and apologies. I hadn’t felt so conflicted in a long time. Having
my family kidnapped was devastating, yet I had been of a single
mind on what I wanted to do. Even Marie’s death had been somewhat
simpler. There was nothing I could do about that, and very little I
could realistically have done differently.

Eddie came in before I had time to start thinking about Marie
again, which was probably a good thing. Thinking about what she
used to be like. Debating over what she would think of how things
were going...well, it had a tendency to make me cry, and I didn’t
want to be that weak in front of Eddie. Not when I had hurt him so
badly with this. I couldn’t kid myself; it
had
hurt him, probably more the not
telling him than the pregnancy. It wasn’t going to be easy to win
him around again.

“Why didn’t
you tell me?” was the first thing he said, before the door had even
shut behind Stripes. I felt sorry for Jalas. Stripes was likely to
rip him a new one for his part in this mess. On a better day it
would be something I’d love to see. Right then I wanted to be held,
I wanted to cry a little and sleep. I wanted to wake up to find it
had all been a dream.

“I swear to
you that I only did the test yesterday.” I sat up on my bed,
sitting with my knees pulled up because the dress wouldn’t move
enough to sit cross-legged. My favourite sitting position.
Although, it was probably a good thing; I didn’t think that
flashing Eddie just then, even accidentally, would help our
relationship.

“But you knew
that you needed a test,” he replied. He sat on Stripes’ bed with
his knees pulled up in a parody of my own position. It reminded me
how vulnerable he was. In everything that had happened, with him
offering me comfort, I had forgotten that he had come to the House
for help.

“I never meant
for this to happen, Eddie. I...I can’t voluntarily get rid of this
child, I just can’t. But I don’t expect for you to…”

“Now you don’t even want me to be a
part
of it? Are you that arrogant or
just that cruel?” He didn’t sound angry any more, he just sounded
upset. I was doing everything wrong. I couldn’t seem to make my
words have the right meaning. My head just wasn’t working
properly.

“I’m
saying
that I don’t expect anything of you. If – and that is a big
if – I manage to carry this child long enough to actually birth it,
I’m saying you have a choice. You can be whatever you want to it;
it’s not your fault I was so stupid.” I hugged my knees even
closer, all I wanted was a hug and Eddie had become my go-to hug
person. It sounded silly but I needed it. I needed someone who
could comfort me without judging or pulling away. The accusation
about my arrogance stung as well. It wasn’t the first time someone
had called me on it and likely wouldn’t be the last but I’d thought
Eddie had gotten to know me better than that.

“I thought you
were telling me that you didn’t want me around a child. I
thought...” I got up and moved to sit behind him, my legs and arms
wrapped around his huddled form. It seemed to have brought up
something from his past he didn’t want to think about. I hated that
I had done this to him; even if the original hurt hadn’t been mine,
I was responsible for bringing it up. I didn’t know if it was my
telepathy or just that I was responsible for him but seeing Eddie
in pain actually hurt my heart too.

“Why would you
think that I wouldn’t want you around your own child?” I asked. I
didn’t really expect an answer. Eddie had started to open up but
still only to a limited extent. He still didn’t tell anyone so much
about his past. If he was going to be a permanent fixture in our
lives we would need to know. Maybe it was mean to push him right
then but without some insight I was likely to fuck up even more
than I already had.

“I had a
fiancée before,” he said. I went very still. If he was going to
tell me I was going to do my level best not to make it worse. I
would hold him for once as he’d held me for weeks.

“We were
together before I changed. Talon...he made shifting sound so good,
so amazing. He convinced me that it was the right thing to do, to
be stronger and better so that I could look after her better. He
left a lot out. I didn’t tell her. I guess I should have done but I
was worried. I wanted to have it perfected before I told her so
that she wouldn’t worry. Then one night she went out. It was the
full moon so I begged an illness and told her to go on without me;
they were planning to stay at a friend’s house in town so they
didn’t have to pay for cab-pods.

She came home
early. She came home to look after me because I was sick. Only,
when she got there, I was halfway through changing. I hadn’t
perfected shimmering yet so I had to go through the whole process.
Talon wasn’t a very good teacher. She freaked. The next day she had
all of my stuff packed in the hall. She said that she couldn’t be
with a monster. She said that I wasn’t safe to be around children
and she wanted a family. I knew that.” He was crying by now. I
eased his arms away from his legs so that I could pull him down
into a hug. He curled up on the bed with me wrapped around him. All
I could do was stroke his hair and make comforting noises.

“You’re not a
monster, Eddie...you are far from a monster. She was blind-sided
and Talon hadn’t taught you enough about how to tell family. He
hadn’t taught you what it really meant to be a shifter. You are
amazing, and you will be amazing with children.” I half climbed
over him so that I could look him in the face. I held his face
between my hands, ever so gently; he looked like he would break.
“Do you hear me? You are not, nor have you ever been a
monster.”

“I did things
that were monstrous...” he started. I’d heard it before, his self-
deprecation; at least now I knew where it had come from it was
easier to understand. I had been raised to know that shifting was
normal. That it was amazing but not good or bad. Shifters are
people – so we are both and neither – I just had to convince Eddie.
I thought that it was going to take a lot longer than one night but
I was willing and I would start it. I hoped that if the Council
decided against me that Eddie would remember my words. I hoped that
I could do some good before everything went to pot again.

“There is no
monster in you, Eddie. Did you forget that I saw inside your head?”
I pressed my hands firmer into his skin so that he opened his eyes.
They were so close and it reminded me of the night Marie had died,
those eyes had held all of my attention. They were so beautiful. “I
have seen into monsters. I have seen so many that I feared it would
drive me mad. I have seen what they do and how they think. You are
not a monster; the very fact that you think you are attests to
that. True monsters hold no regret, no remorse.”

“Talking to
you has helped,” he said finally. “I know that you think you
somehow took advantage of me but I’m half to blame. You never once
said that pregnancy was impossible so I should have known there was
a chance. I guess I just assumed that it wouldn’t happen to us.” He
laughed then. “Like so many teenagers, it couldn’t be us. I guess
everyone thinks that.”

I let a smile
creep up onto my face. Eddie leaned towards me grasping my hands at
the same time so that I no longer controlled his head. His lips met
mine with fire. It was like taking a breath after almost drowning.
I had thought I had lost him and all that he offered to me. I
didn’t love him and he didn’t love me but we were comfort on a cold
night to each other. It was enough.

Eddie didn’t
risk staying in mine and Stripes’ room. He left, pulling his top
back on with a quick glance down the corridor like he thought
someone would be along to tell him off. That was what made me
laugh, that he would think so very much like a naughty school boy.
And I supposed that in comparison to the High Council we two might
as well be school children. I didn’t care; they were letting me go,
for now at least. There wasn’t much more they could do to me.

We caught the
earliest train we could to get home. I wanted to be there. We’d
been gone only a day but it felt like an age. I worried so much
about the House and about everyone in it. It was an undercurrent to
my thoughts. I didn’t want to miss one single mourner. I didn’t
want to miss any time with Hannah and for some reason I was excited
about telling her about the pregnancy. Not right away of course, it
was far too easy even for mortal women to miscarry so early on, but
I wanted to tell her, to share it with her. I wanted to make her a
part of our lives. Eddie had taken the news surprisingly well, all
things considered. I felt hope for the first time in quite a
while.

Halfway home
my coms pad went off. I was surprised to find that it was Hercules
calling me but I had a moment of panic as I answered the phone. He
thought that we were still at the High Council for a trial; he
would only call me in an emergency. For a second, I thought that
someone else was hurt or dead. I was finally hopeful and the world
seemed to be determined to ruin it.