The House (25 page)

I felt the
tears sliding down my cheeks as Catherine whispered nonsense
comfort words to me; telling me that it would be alright. I just
wished I believed her. I wished that I thought Marie and Shayana
were alive and well but I didn’t have it in me. I could see all of
the terrible things that people had done; I could see them, feel
them as if I were doing them.

Something was
very wrong and there was nobody who could help me. My mother was
gone, Shayana was missing, and her family obviously had bigger
problems than helping me. I had never felt so alone. The loneliness
of a hundred prisoners screaming through my head.

“Make it
stop,” I whispered; the loudest sound I could make just above a
whimper. “Please make it stop.” I didn’t want to say that. I knew I
didn’t want to say that. I sounded pathetic and I couldn’t stop, I
just kept whimpering, tears coursing down my cheeks, desperate for
the pain of it to end. The loneliness to go away.

Then it got
infinitely worse. Whereas before, I had felt the minds of the bad
guys, the witches that I had interviewed for the benefit of the
Covenant, now I felt the pain of the victims. Hundreds of victims
tortured, people left for dead, people who had seen things more
horrific than I had ever thought to imagine. And it was all inside
my head. I screamed; I had to let it out. I was being killed a
thousand different ways all at once and I could sense no end.

I could feel
the terrible heat of a branding iron, the lash of a whip, the
strike of a sword. I could smell burning flesh and knew it to be my
own. I couldn’t breathe; I was drowning, so much water, filling my
lungs with icy pain. Loneliness penetrating through it all.
Altogether: burning, bleeding, freezing, dying. I thought my head
would split open. I could no longer remember who I was, that these
were not my memories, not my feelings. That only one of the screams
was my own.

I came to
slowly, battling against the haze of other people’s thoughts and
feelings. Other people’s actions and emotions crowded my head but I
fought back. I found my magic deep within myself. Pushed down in an
attempt to stem the flow of terror and let the power flood through
me. I let it push aside the rush of chemicals that would have
killed me on their own. I found my breath; I found myself in the
haze and I pushed. Not with muscles, but with my mind like I had
been taught.

I could push
myself into someone else’s mind, now I pushed my way out of
mine.

I felt myself
shimmer and only had a moment to think that I was still wearing all
of my clothes when I burst out of them. Not the controlled roll of
change that I normally had; it was sudden, violent, almost painful.
New muscles stretched where the old ones had huddled, magic made me
soar above myself, draw myself back in and think. I could feel the
carpet beneath me, the bed against my back, the air swirling from
an open window.

Someone had
opened the window.

I looked up.
Stripes was standing next to the window, reaching out to me so
carefully, so tentatively. So afraid. I rested my head in her hand,
her hand that was so small next to me now. She scratched behind my
ears as I drew closer to her, pushed my head against her and ran
the length of my body along her even though only my head would have
been needed for scent marking. My tail flicked up to her shoulder
and swatted her gently as it passed. A playful move still dampened
by the memory of what I had just escaped.

Catherine
caught my tail and gave it a yank. I turned back to her and let out
a whine. So unlike my normal growl or purr, it sounded sad and
piteous. I bent down, lying on my belly and then curling up as much
as possible with Stripes one side of me and Catherine the other. I
got no specific memories from them. I just picked up a deep feeling
of contentment that I couldn’t pinpoint. It vibrated through me,
brought a long purr from my lips, and settled me down into a deep
sleep. The loneliness and pain had not gone but they were
distanced. I found myself too exhausted to think any more and I let
my dreams wash away everything else – all the hurt and pain and
worry. Every part of me I surrendered to sleep; to forget, just for
a moment, the horror my life was fast becoming.

I woke up as I
had gone to sleep – dazed and in lion form. Most people think that
shifters change back when they go to sleep, but really it makes no
difference if I sleep as human or shifted. Except that my lion form
is just a touch big for my bed. I was on the floor and I wasn’t
alone. I looked around with ears pricked, ready for anything. At
least that’s what I told myself.

I could see
Stripes on the bed, her chest rising and falling to the rhythm of
her breathing. So peaceful. The cacophony in my head was still
there but not at the forefront of my mind. Like background noise, I
could ignore it if I chose.

I felt
unsteady and empty in the early morning. The sun was beginning to
rise and I realised that lately I seemed to be spending more time
asleep than awake. It didn’t bode well for my state of being.

The house was
silent except for the breathing of many people; most of the
searchers would have stayed over to discuss events and get an early
start on the next day. I knew that Marie and Shayana had not been
found because there was nobody up, nobody partying, and Marie had
not been with me. I knew that if she had returned in the middle of
my own personal crisis she would have been by my side when I woke.
I also knew that they had not been found dead; there would be more
people in the House if they had and people would not have slept so
soundly. It was a small comfort but one I clung to.

The dawn air
was cool against my nose, a gentle breeze whispering through the
garden. ‘Where are you?’ I thought into the wind. I let it carry my
thought away but got no answer. It was the closest to praying I
got, speaking into the wind in the vain hope of a miracle answer. I
realised that I had been wrong about everyone being asleep; there
was a huge tawny shape just inside the tree line. A lion with a
great golden mane. Unlike normal lions I can see colour when I’ve
shifted; not so bright as in human form but certainly not black and
white.

I approached
cautiously. It was Eddie, there were no other lions close. I could
feel the magic around him, shaping his form, calling power to him.
Maybe even calling me to him. I dipped my head in greeting but he
ignored me, staring up at the lightening sky and half moon. A
smaller moon than most shifters see in animal form.

I bumped my
head against his shoulder and he looked at me. His eyes were a
startling green now. They glittered at me with such sadness that I
felt compelled to offer comfort. I could not wrap my arms around
him but I could rest my head against his. Wrap my tail around his
as best I could and stand there, waiting. He did not move, his
breathing the only sign that he was alive. I wondered at why he had
transformed when he so obviously hated his lion form.

Sighing
internally I moved away from him and curled up on the ground to
begin the process of changing back. I hoped beyond hope that the
terror of the previous day would not return once I regained human
form. It didn’t. I felt the light within me grow as I changed, my
body reforming into my default state. It took seconds; there was no
pain, no rush and no push. The flow of magic was gentle and
completely internal. At least, it was until I touched him.

My tail
flicked out at the last second in a playful gesture that I could
never seem to get rid of. I loved the feeling of the change – so
smooth, so fluid. The moment my tail touched his body my magic
surged along it, forcing itself into him. It latched on to his own
magic and the two exploded, pulling me faster towards my human form
and he was caught up in his, simply not strong enough to resist the
pull of my power.

It made no
sense. If anything, the jump in power should have pushed me back to
lion form. More power means that we are pulled closer to our other
forms; the weak do not have enough power to change outside of the
full moon. The very powerful have so much power that the additional
power of the moon makes little difference to them. Yet there we
lay, power circling us, through us, around us, and both of us in
human form.

I coughed.
Blood was coming out of my mouth; the transformation had been so
violent. Eddie just lay there. If it weren’t for the gentle rise
and fall of his chest I would have said he was dead, but his breath
was there, if too fast and too shallow. My head spun as I sat up,
dizziness threatening to pull me under before it passed. I took a
deep breath and closed my eyes.

It felt like
the world was back in my head; it was strange that being in lion
form could dampen it. The noise was so loud, so all encompassing,
that I had to catch my breath. It was getting easier to sort
through the madness, to listen to one instead of many. Or at least
to have one louder than the many, but my own voice was still lost.
It felt as though I was drowning, unable to draw air and yet I
could still feel the cool breeze and dewy grass.

“Are you
alright?” I managed to choke out. Eddie was coming to, his face too
pale and his breathing ragged. There were long white scars shining
across his back that caught the early morning light. I reached out
to touch them before I could stop myself. A feeling of great anger
overcame me, followed by sharp pain across my back. I snatched my
hand back before he could realise what I had seen.

Of course it
was too late, he had felt my touch. He knew I had seen the scars
even if he didn’t feel my intrusion into his mind. It had just been
too difficult to think quickly enough with so much noise in my
head. I didn’t look away; I didn’t show him pity or comfort. I hid
behind my mask and tried to regain some of myself in the chaos.

“What the
fuck! What did you do?” He was shouting and he was standing over
me. I didn’t remember him standing up and took a moment to admire
the view before I got a hold of myself enough to comprehend his
question.

“I don’t
know.” My voice was quiet, barely there at all. I saw the ground
getting closer.

I was back in
bed, in human form and with my fluffy blue pyjamas on. Stripes was
with me again. She was staring at me with wide, worried eyes and a
slight frown pulling down the corners of her mouth. She was fully
dressed to go out searching again in comfortable jeans and a plain
t-shirt that looked very good on her.

My thoughts
came slowly and I felt scattered, not quite there. The voices had
decreased slightly to a dull roar in my head. I took a deep breath
and made a conscious effort to block it all out. It was easier said
than done as I sat up and fell back again at the effort it cost
me.

“Stay here.
You need to rest. Eddie is staying behind again but nobody expects
you to do anything. If you need anything just shout for him,”
Stripes said. She sounded both far away and very loud at the same
time. I nodded slowly and hoped I managed to take in what she was
telling me before slipping back into unconsciousness. “I’ll be back
by dark and you’d better still be here.” And she swept out of the
room without so much as a goodbye as I blacked out yet again.

The next time
I woke up sunlight was streaming in through the windows because the
curtains were open. Eddie stood there giving me a strange look. I
wanted to cover my eyes and hide but strangely the sunlight didn’t
hurt. It felt like I should be hung over but that wasn’t it. I was
going crazy from the incessant voices but otherwise I was fine.

Eddie came
closer and I flinched back. If he noticed he didn’t show it as he
sat down on the edge of the bed. He didn’t look at me, not that I
expected him to, just sat there with his head in his hands and his
voice loud in my head. I couldn’t get away from it, although it did
push back everything else clamouring for my attention. I could hear
his thoughts as they rushed through his head but I didn’t have the
concentration to make sense of them.

“You pulled me
back. How?” he asked. His voice was muffled and it echoed in my
head. He turned sharply with pleading eyes, “Tell me.”

“I don’t
know,” I said. Plain, calm and quiet.

“You could
reverse it, make me normal again.” He sounded almost feverish,
crazy even, at least to my ears.

“No, no I
couldn’t. It’s not possible, it’s not a reversible decision you
made.” There was a thread of anger through my voice, an edge that
warned him not to continue.

“But you
pulled me back from it. Maybe if we worked on it you could stop me
from changing, make me human again.”

“No.” My voice
was harsh in the quiet. “You made a choice to take on this life.
You don’t get to take it back. And in case you hadn’t noticed we
have more severe problems at the moment than your obvious need for
therapy.” I sat up and jerked the covers off. I got all the way to
the door before the dizziness took me spiralling to the floor. Yet
Eddie was there, catching me as I fell.

“I know that
you all miss Marie and everything but I came here for help.”

I struggled out of his arms and planted my butt on the floor
to stop me falling again. “We all come here for help; we’re
all
screwed up. Marie
helps us. Marie gives us a family. You didn’t want her help. You
came here expecting a cure and all you got was us. Now you want to
leave because suddenly there’re more important things in life than
your pathetic complaints. You made a choice.”

“So you’ve
never wanted to take back a decision that you made, you’ve never
wanted to be normal, to be human…”

I cut across him. “I
am
normal. I
am
human and there are a million and one things that
I would do differently next time but it’s too late to undo them
now. Don’t talk to me about life-changing decisions. You have no
right to come in here and poke fun? at us just because we made a
life out of what we’ve been given.”