The Hotel Detective (29 page)

“This gentleman,” she said, directing her finger at Am but leaving some question in her statement, “has suggested that some
of you might have wandered into another meeting room and taken that which did not belong to us.”

Sabrina expected denials. They weren’t forthcoming. There was only silence.

“He said you took desserts.”

More silence.

“Desserts that go against the very principles of our gathering, that shout the triumph of the earthly over the spiritual.”

Sabrina held out for one dissenting voice, just one, but the lot of them had fallen.

“Charge our masss-ter bill,” she hissed at Am.

Casper fled through the door. Am moved just a little less quickly but did offer a sympathetic look to the class. For their
sake, he hoped colonic irrigations were not on the day’s docket.

“So, what’d you find out?”

Bull Johnson wasn’t concerned about niceties. He wanted information and was holding a big enough roll of bills to get Jimmy
Mazzelli’s full attention.

“You won’t believe this, Mr. Johnson…” Jimmy stretched the sentence for long enough to prove that timing was everything. Bull
peeled off several bills of sizable denomination, and Jimmy accepted them as his due before continuing.

“…but the murderer is a Bob Johnson.”

Even Bull was surprised. “You’re shitting me.”

“No. I got triple confirmation. That’s why Am and his helper were scouting your group. They had a sketch of the suspect. That’s
what I’m trying to get a copy of now.”

Bull consulted his watch. “Two hundred bucks if you get it within the next half hour.” He reconsidered. “No, three hundred.”

Jimmy jumped up, but Bull restrained him. “What else?” “They were searching some of the Bob Johnson rooms. I’m not sure which
ones. That intern was waving the sketch around and asking questions.”

Bull looked at his watch a second time. “Tell you what,” he said. “Before you run off, I need you to get me a few things.”
Bull recited a list. “Then,” he said, “when you find out more, I’ll be in the Neptune Room.”

It was time, thought Roger, to drift over to the Seven Seas. The last few hours had not been pleasant for him. He’d had to
work at the front desk, and confront angry chefs, and be hissed at by a harpy. For all of that, he should have come up with
some answers, but he still couldn’t figure out what Am and that intern were up to.

That would change. He wasn’t going to the Seven Seas, as he usually did, to get lost. The Bob Johnsons were set to reconvene
in the Neptune Room for cocktails and more of their murder mystery madness. By traveling around the meeting room incognito—no,
better than that, as a Bob Johnson—he was sure he would learn something.

Bull had seen both screen versions of
Invasion of the Body Snatchers.
He could never decide which he liked better. He’d never told anyone, but the flicks scared the bejesus out of him. Imagine
having a friend turning up as a kind of alien. And think how horrible it would be if a member of your family, or a loved one,
was supplanted by one of
them.

That’s kinda what this felt like, he thought. All around him Bob Johnsons were smiling, and talking, and reveling in their
kinship. But one of them was that body snatcher. One of them had murdered. It gave him the heebie-jeebies to think there was
a Benedict Arnold Johnson in their lot. That made Bull determined about one thing: he was gonna get that Judas.

He had hoped that Eye-talian bellman would have made it back by now. Having a sketch in hand would sure make things easier,
but even without it there were ways.

The good name of Bob Johnson might have been besmirched, but they’d know how to take care of their own. Bull cast a red eye
around the room, tried to see if he could identify the body snatcher.

Wearing a
My Name Is Bob Johnson
name tag, Roger was circulating freely around the room. He had decided this was a nice group—as long as you didn’t have to
be one of the clerks checking them in. Roger heard a lot of talk about golf, tennis, and nautical maneuvers. He was hoping
to hear something that sounded out of the ordinary, but nothing did.

He engaged in shop talk with the Bob Johnsons and gave the same in return, with certain embellishments, of course. Roger had
heard that people listened more closely if you whispered rather than shouted, so he spoke in a quiet voice, hinting a lot
but saying little. He mentioned that he worked for the government and left the implication he was involved with intelligence.
It was a favorite fantasy of his.

When not weaving tales, Roger kept his eyes open for Mary Mason. He had wanted to talk with her ever since he had overheard
her speaking with Am and Sharon. Maybe she knew what was up. Usually she was running around organizing something or making
sure everyone was having a good time. It wasn’t like her not to be doing something.

The actors started taking their places, and the Bob Johnsons began to find their chairs.

“Be good,” said a Bob Johnson to Roger, “be Bob.”

Roger repeated his parting words. The lights began to dim and Roger took a last look around the room. As if on cue, Mary Mason
appeared. She was standing at the doorway, looking in to make sure all was well. Better late than never, thought Roger. He
started walking toward her when the room suddenly went completely dark. From the blackness came a scream.

Confound it all. That scream was the last straw. Maybe it was one of them fairy actors, or maybe it was the renegade Bob Johnson
killing somebody else. Either way, Bull was damn sure he wasn’t going to be standing around in a room with a murderer without
proper lights.

The actors had started up with their gibberish talk. Bull walked quickly toward one of the exits, knowing what he had to do.
That bellman had gotten him what he needed. Hell, that boy probably would have sold his mother if he’d come up with the green.

“He’s dead!” shouted one of the actors.

Concealed under a table were two brooms and some rope. Bull was right handy with knots and felt comfortable with the cord
in hand. He angled the brooms through the door handles and sealed the escapes with a little rope tying. It didn’t take him
more than fifteen seconds with either door.

“Excuse me,” said Roger, interrupting Bull in his handiwork while trying to get out of the room.

“Ain’t nobody going nowhere,” Bull said.

The actors tried to play through the disturbance in the back of the room. They had been trained to continue with their performances
even if someone in the audience was having a heart attack or a seizure. But this was worse. This was a pain in the butt.

They tried competing with his bellowing, but he had the kind of carrying voice that drew ballplayers to jump into the stands.
And he was approaching their stage. Once again the Bob Johnsons stopped the show. Or at least one of them did.

“Give me some lights,” said Bull. “Give me some goddamn lights.”

No one stirred at first. Most of the audience suspected he might be part of the show. But when Bull took a preemptory deep
breath, a host of Bob Johnsons rushed to do his bidding before there was another roar.

The lights came on. Sharing the stage with Bull were several actors. They didn’t have to think up their expressions of fright
and dismay. The audience of Bob Johnsons was more composed. They were getting used to the unexpected. Truth to tell, the day’s
activities had been fun, but they had come to expect a little more juice. Like this.

Bull looked out to his fellow Bob Johnsons. His favorite mysteries were those where all the suspects were gathered in one
room, usually a setting with a fireplace, a couple of decanters, a bust or two, and a lot of leather-bound books. He liked
it when one by one the sleuth eliminated the possible murderers and finally revealed the real culprit.

At one of the exits, Roger tried desperately to unravel a knot. He had a bad feeling about this.

Thumbs hooked through his belt loops, jaw squared, Bull said, “None of you is going to like hearing this. What’d that little
Pogo character decide years back? Something about how we found the enemy, and he is us.

“Brothers, it’s my sad duty to tell you that’s the case. One of us is a murderer.”

The gasps went up; the heads turned around; the disbelieving eyes sought reassurance.

Bull had less to go on than Joe McCarthy, but he had that same kind of talent for quarter truths, insinuation, overstating
the case, and pretending, perhaps even believing, he was the voice, and right hand, of God.

“A Bob Johnson murdered,” said Bull. “And we’re going to find out who it was.”

With a stifled shriek, Roger yanked at the door. The broom held, and the witch-hunt took off.

Am was hoping that Sharon would be waiting for him in his office. He was feeling better about his prowess as an investigator.
Now, at least, he had solved one crime (or a thousand, depending on how you looked at it). But it wasn’t Sharon who sat waiting.
Seated was an older man, heavy, but not portly. He had a dark suit and white hair and looked to be about sixty. His eyes were
like Spencer Tracy’s, with the same expressive blue that looked alternately inquisitorial and mischievous. The lines in his
face were deeply cut, mined almost to his mouth, which gave him the appearance of having a perpetual smile or, if not quite
that, a look of bemused whimsy.

“Mr. Caulfield?”

Am nodded, accepting and shaking an extended hand.

“One of the clerks suggested I wait for you here,” the man said. “I’ve had a little problem.”

“How may I help you, Mr….?”

“Harmon.”

Am took a seat behind his desk, managing to keep a neutral, if concerned, look on his face. So this was Harmon, he thought.
He looked more like a Shriner than a criminal, didn’t look like a man who would take candy from a baby, but maybe he couldn’t
be trusted around a toddler carrying a Shirley Temple.

“Mr. Caulfield,” he said, “I’m a business consultant who frequently works for a firm in San Diego. I’ve been a regular at
your hotel for many years, and usually try to mate business with pleasure, giving myself a window of time before and after
my work to relax. This afternoon I had nothing on my docket but a good book, an ocean vista, and a cold drink. I checked in
a half hour ago and availed myself of the minibar in my room. And the strangest thing happened.”

He paused, and then he posed. “I decided on a G and T. I poured myself some tonic, then added what I thought was gin.”

Harmon looked at Am closely. Though Am already knew what he was going to say, his delivery was good enough to make him lean
forward.

“The gin had been replaced,” he said. “Replaced with water.”

Harmon stayed seated but still gave the impression he was playing to an audience. “I have to admit to being a bit nonplussed,
Mr. Caulfield. But I decided a vodka and tonic would do me almost as well. So I took a sip, and I haven’t been so disappointed
since pulling Kleenex out from Elsie McFadden’s bra, lo those many years ago.”

“Well, sir, when twice burned, even old dogs learn. I decided to take a close look at your libations, and upon inspection
I found that every single bottle of alcohol had been doctored.”

Harmon stopped talking, examined Am’s face for signs of outrage. Am didn’t have to fake that; Harmon’s indignation was his.

“I am very, very, sorry this happened to you, Mr. Harmon,” he said. “This kind of incident is very embarrassing.”

Am gave Harmon a long look and a good read of his eyes. “It is hard to believe that people would stoop to such measures,”
he said, “difficult to imagine that they would go so far just to cadge a free drink. It wouldn’t bother me if the start and
finish of it was one little bottle of booze; it’s the rippling effect that is so troublesome.

“First, the guest is unhappy, and they have a way of circulating their disappointment. A guest denied is a guest who calls
the front desk. The clerk gets an earful and, after what seems an hour of ire, promises to rectify the situation. The discovery
is usually made in the evening, so the bellman ends up getting dispatched to an empty room to get the liquor from another
minibar, but the saga doesn’t end there. The clerk has to document the incident to management, and the bellman has to leave
a note with housekeeping. The inconvenience then rolls over into the next day.

“Housekeeping, which is in charge of replenishing the bottles and keeping an inventory, has to restock the items as well as
account for the doctored booze. Management has to be very particular with the liquor inventory, has to make sure shrinkage
is not occurring because of the staff imbibing. Unfortunately, the many suffer because of the one, and are treated with less
dignity than they deserve because of some guest who was too cheap to pay for the booze. Doesn’t seem fair, does it?”

Am’s speech, and penetrating eyes, had made Harmon uncomfortable. “It sounds like much ado about a little prank,” he said,
though rather weakly.

“Once would have been a prank,” Am said.

For Am, it felt good to finally confront a guest even if on a diplomatic level, where nothing overt could be stated. This
was his moment of getting back at all the guests who had swapped their own twenty-five-watt bulbs for the Hotel’s three-way
variety, had replaced the batteries in their cameras with those in the Hotel’s remote controls, and substituted old linen
for new. Most of all, it was payback for every guest who had ever tampered with an honor bar.

Harmon stood up, and so did Am. “We appreciate your business, Mr. Harmon,” he said. “Next year we will probably be putting
computerized minibars in the rooms, the kind that immediately record a sale whenever a bottle or item is lifted out. That
should eliminate any surprises.”

Harmon looked at Am and asked sincerely, “No hard feelings, I hope?”

“None,” said Am, extending his hand. “I’ll make sure your honor bar gets restocked right away.”

They shook hands, then Harmon raised up his arm as if offering a toast and said, “Cheers.”