The Hornbeam Tree (42 page)

‘If I have to,’ he said shortly.

‘You can compartmentalize me that easily?’

He didn’t answer, but he didn’t have to, because she knew he could. Detesting him for it, she got up to go and set the table. If they didn’t stop this now they really would end up saying things they’d regret.

After laying out the cutlery and table mats, she unwrapped the candles and put them in the six oriental holders that formed a line down the centre of the table. She didn’t imagine either of them was in the mood for romance right now, but she was eager to do something to defuse the tension and though it seemed naive to expect soft lights to do it, at least they were unlikely to make it any worse. In fact, by the time she’d lit the other candles around the room and turned down the lamps she was starting to feel a little more relaxed, and even slightly hungry thanks to the smells coming from the kitchen.

‘What music would you like?’ she asked, going to the CD player.

‘You choose.’

As she went through their collection she couldn’t help wondering what would happen if she selected
Die Fledermaus
, or
Tristan und Isolde
, or
Carmen
, for they almost never listened to opera without making love. She recalled the words he’d misquoted from
La Bohème
, when he’d asked her to take him back after Andraya:
Sappi per tuo governo, che darei perdono in sempiterno
. For your future guidance, I would be constantly forgiving you. What would he say if she reminded him of that now? But it wasn’t his forgiveness she doubted, it was his fidelity, and there were never any guarantees about that.

She looked up as the phone rang, and felt slightly
breathless
as she waited to find out who it was. If it turned out to be Andraya she was certain she’d walk out now and go straight to Nick, but when she realized it was her father, she relaxed again and chose a jazz diva medley to put on the CD.

‘He sends his love,’ Elliot said, putting the phone down a couple of minutes later.

‘Didn’t he want to speak to me?’

His eyes appeared droll as he said, ‘Apparently not.’

She smiled and came back to the bar.

‘He was just letting me know that he’s received the cheque I sent.’

Realizing it must be to cover the expenses her father had incurred before the wedding was cancelled, she said, ‘Is he going to cash it?’

‘He’s saying it’s too much, so we need to discuss it.’

Deciding to leave that to them, she refilled their wine glasses and drank deeply as she wished it was three months ago, when her dress was being made, the church was already booked, and they’d just moved into this apartment and neither of them had even known either Nick or Andraya. Then remembering how stressed she’d been back then, she decided it wasn’t such a perfect time after all. That had come later, when they were in Bali, a long, long way from reality. They’d been able to laugh then, in a way they weren’t able to now, and talk without fear of hurting each other. She hadn’t even worried about what he was thinking, the way she was now, though Andraya must have been in his mind, because she knew very well Nick had been in hers.

‘Do you ever think about her?’ she asked suddenly.

His eyebrows went up, then realizing who she meant his face immediately darkened. ‘Not if I can help it,’ he answered.

‘But if something comes up on the radio, or in a newspaper, maybe about Brazil, or art, or when you speak to Chris … You must think about her then.’

‘I told you, not if I can help it.’

‘What about when we make love?’

His jaw tightened. ‘Why are you doing this?’

She looked at him for a moment, then turned away and sighed. ‘I don’t know,’ she replied.

His eyes were still hard as he regarded her, then in a tone that surprised and annoyed her, he said, ‘Maybe you’re trying to use my guilt to blot out your own.’

‘Well maybe I am,’ she retorted hotly, and drinking more wine, she got up and walked away.

It was only as she approached the window and saw her reflection that she realized she was feeling aroused. It shocked her to think she could be responding this way at such a time, but there was no doubt that her nipples were tight, and a gentle heat between her legs was making her wet. Just what the heck was going on inside her that she could actually want sex right now? And was it Elliot she wanted, or Nick? She didn’t dare look back over her shoulder for she knew it was him. She imagined herself pressed up against the counter, or spread out on the sofa with him. Would he do it now if she took off her dress and asked him? Would seeing her naked arouse him as
intensely
as the thought of him naked was arousing her? Or would the brazenness remind him of Andraya?

She took another gulp of wine, and almost as swiftly as it had come, the arousal subsided. She continued to gaze out at the night, and felt strangely sad, and even vaguely bereft. Her eyes moved to Elliot’s reflection and she wondered about the gulf that seemed to keep opening and closing between them. Would they ever bridge it? At moments she felt sure they would, then at others she wasn’t even certain she wanted to.

Finally the meal was ready and she carried their plates to the table, while Elliot brought in the wine. He wasn’t sure who’d drunk the most from the previous bottle, but it had gone down quickly, and he guessed the next one might too.

As they started to eat he filled the silence by asking about Katie, how she was, how the interview had gone, and whether she’d committed to making the programme. Laurie answered, drank more wine, and watched him in the candlelight. For a while she felt oddly detached, as though she were dining in a dream, or with a stranger, then she looked at him across the table and felt such a surge of love that her appetite fled and her eyes filled with tears. Quickly she blinked them back and forced herself to go on eating.

‘Tell me, is he expecting you to end it between us tonight?’ he said abruptly.

Unable even to pretend she was hungry now, she put down her knife and fork and reached for her glass. ‘No. I – I don’t know,’ she said.

‘Did you tell him you would?’

‘Not exactly, no. I – ’

His face was turning pale as he said, ‘Do you want to end it? If you do, let’s finally get it out in the open and stop all this.’

‘No, I don’t want to end it. I told you, I love you and I don’t want to lose you …’

‘But you don’t want to give him up. Then maybe you should spend some time with him, find out what it is you do want.’

She looked at him and beneath the angry reaction to his words she felt herself aching with the hurt it would cause him if she did that. Then she thought about Nick and being with him all the time, and felt so confused she just couldn’t think any more.

‘Where is he tonight?’ he asked.

‘He’s at home I think. Elliot, please, let’s stop doing this.’

He bit back the response that sprang to his lips and picked up his wine. She was right, they were hurting each other – or, more accurately, he was trying to hurt her, and what purpose would that serve when he wanted to keep her, not push her away?

Long minutes ticked by. They attempted to carry on eating, though without much success. In the end, she said, ‘Can I come and sit with you?’

Surprised, and not entirely sure he understood, he watched as she left her place and came to sit on his lap.

‘I love you so much,’ she murmured, burying her face in his neck.

He kissed the top of her head and held her close. ‘I love you too,’ he said gruffly. Then tilting her
chin
up, he ran his thumb over her lips and gazed deeply into her eyes. ‘Are you going to eat any more?’ he asked.

‘I don’t think so.’

‘Then let’s go and sit down.’

Taking her hand he led her over to the sofa, where he pulled her back on to his lap and rested his head on hers. For a while they simply listened to the music, and felt their closeness as powerfully as they always had. In this moment it just didn’t seem possible that he’d lose her, for he could feel her love as though it were flowing into him, and was certain she must be able to feel his too. This was how they had been in Bali, completely together, needing no-one else, and knowing they could get past their difficulties because they loved each other so much. It was sobering to realize how readily they had believed in their relationship then, yet how fragile it actually was now they could no longer deny that it lacked the vital element of trust.

With her thoughts travelling to the same part of the world, though connecting with a more lighthearted memory, Laurie started to smile as she said, ‘Do you remember the monkeys in Bali? The one that wouldn’t get off your head?’

He laughed. ‘And the flaming creature’s balls dropping in my eyes? How could I forget?’

She laughed too, remembering how she’d been so helpless at the time she couldn’t even point the camera.

‘And what about the spectacular entrance you made when we arrived?’ he reminded her.

Closing her eyes she started to laugh again, for as they’d walked into the hotel she’d twisted her
ankle
, buckled to the floor, and rolled sideways down the steps into the lobby. Elliot hadn’t stopped laughing for a week, and he was laughing again now.

There were other amusing incidents and people they’d come across during their trip, which led them on to other places they’d visited, or people they knew, until inevitably they found themselves talking about the time they’d spent at Max Erwin’s place in Mexico. It was where they’d made love for the first time, in the candle-lit courtyard of Max’s exquisite hideaway villa, where the vast tropical plants drooped over the pool like mystical guardians, while the gloriously triumphant arias of Puccini had urged them to even greater heights of shared bliss.

‘I’d like to go there again, wouldn’t you?’ she murmured, turning to look at him.

His eyes rested on hers, then dropped to her mouth as she came forward to kiss him.

He didn’t kiss her back, so she kissed him again, until finally she felt him starting to respond. Then he wrapped her deeply into his arms and kissed her for a long, long time, holding her close and feeling her desire pulling like a magnet at his own. Everything about her felt so right, and so profoundly his that he knew it would be the easiest thing in the world now to lift her in his arms and carry her up to bed. His hand moved to her legs and began to smooth the bare skin of her thighs. As he felt them part the temptation to move his hand higher was so intense that making it stop was one of the hardest things he’d ever done. He wanted her so badly, but tomorrow she was likely to be in the bed of another
man
, and until that was resolved he wouldn’t allow himself to make love to her again. So pulling away he gazed down into her eyes and said, ‘I have some calls I need to make.’

For a moment she seemed dazed, as though she hadn’t heard him, but as he eased her gently from his lap she moved aside and buried her face in her hands. ‘I just don’t understand you,’ she said, as he got up.

He waited for her to look up at him, then in a voice heavy with meaning he said, ‘I think you do.’

He started to walk away, heading for his study.

‘Can we at least sleep together tonight?’ she asked. ‘Just sleep.’

‘I’ve already made up the guest bed for myself,’ he told her, and carried on walking.

Chapter Eighteen

‘
YOU FANCY HIM
, don’t you?’ Molly teased.

‘Who?’ Katie winced at the elbow in her side as Molly made herself more comfy in the bed beside her.

‘You know who. I saw you last night, when we were having dinner, laughing at all his jokes and speaking in that funny voice …’

‘What funny voice?’

‘The one you always put on when you fancy someone. You should hear yourself, you go all like, posh and witty and blah …’

‘I’m always like that,’ Katie protested, laughing.

‘Yeah, but you still fancy him.’

‘Of course I don’t.’

‘Of course you
doooo
!’

Katie gasped as Molly started to tickle her. ‘Stop it! Stop,’ she cried, trying to push her away.

‘Not until you admit it. Say, I fancy Tom Chambers.’

‘Ssh, someone’ll hear you.’

‘Like who? It’s not even eight o’clock and we’re
the
only ones here.’ And feeling like, so released because Michelle wasn’t there, and so able to breathe again, she wrapped her arms round her mother and hugged her hard.

‘Ow! What was that for?’ Katie grimaced, wishing she’d taken her morphine already, because the pain was quite bad this morning and she didn’t want to get up yet.

‘It was just for nothing,’ Molly told her.

Turning on to her side so she could see her better, Katie said, ‘So tell me about this Brad.’

‘Oh no,’ Molly protested, blushing. ‘We’re not changing the subject until
you
admit you fancy Tom.’

Assuming one of her best long-suffering looks, designed to tell someone of fourteen that they were right in what they’d picked up on, but wrong in the way they’d interpreted it, Katie said, ‘He’s a very attractive man, and I like him a lot, but even you must have noticed he’s mad about Michelle and …’

‘Do you reckon he’ll take her with him when he goes?’ Molly jumped in. ‘It would be so cool if he did, wouldn’t it? We’d be like, just you and me again, the way it used to be. It’s better like that, isn’t it? I mean, I know like, Michelle’s your sister, and all that, and she’s company for you, but this place isn’t really big enough for all of us, is it?’

Katie’s heart weighed heavily as she looked into Molly’s pretty green eyes, that, ironically, were so like Michelle’s and so unable to disguise all the inner turmoil she was trying to suppress. If ever there was a right time to tell her the truth it was probably now, she realized, while no-one else was around and wouldn’t be for several hours, until
Tom
and Michelle came back for lunch. So could she muster the words? Was she able to tell Molly right now why Michelle had to stay, and why nothing was going to be the same again?

Almost as though sensing what was coming, Molly started to draw back. At the same instant a giant fist of pain clenched Katie’s insides. She gasped, and quickly turned it into a laugh as Molly paled. ‘Come here,’ she growled playfully, starting to tickle her. ‘I haven’t finished with you yet.’