The Hornbeam Tree (41 page)

Though Laurie had had the long motorway drive back to London, plus the entire time both Elliot and Nick were away, to think about this evening, she was afraid, as she pressed the lift button to take her up to their apartment, that she was even further from knowing what she wanted now than she’d been a week ago. Back then she’d felt almost certain it was Nick, but she only had to speak to Elliot to be thrown into turmoil, and now, since learning Andraya was in London, she was so full of doubt, about everything, that she hardly knew what she was thinking.

Knowing she had to pull herself together before she faced Elliot, she made a superhuman effort to force her mind past all her fears, because the last thing she needed was Andraya smuggling herself back into their lives via her paranoid imaginings. She must try to behave as though the woman was dead, or had simply never existed, and put a stop
right
now to all this jealousy and insecurity – the price
she
was having to pay for Elliot’s betrayal, when in any fair world he would be the one suffering those ugly, destructive emotions. She had to concede that he probably was, for not even Andraya’s return was going to convince her that he didn’t care what she did with Nick, but Elliot was so much better at coping with his emotions, and such a master at disguising them, that at times she even wondered how deeply they ran.

As the lift doors opened, she was horribly aware that this was going to be the first time they had come face to face since the morning he’d caught her with Nick. She could hardly be dreading it more, and wished she could just push all the hurt aside and fall into his arms as though nothing had ever gone wrong in their lives. But there was no pretending the past didn’t exist, and though it would be easy to tell herself that the score was even now, they’d both had affairs and one betrayal had cancelled out the other, she knew very well it didn’t work that way. There was so much damage to repair, and with the trust between them still in pieces it was hard to know how they could even begin to put it back together.

She was on the point of slotting her key into the front door when hearing Elliot’s voice inside, she paused to listen. What would she do, she wondered as her heart started a heavy thud, if he was speaking to Andraya? The very thought made her queasy, but she knew how unlikely it was, for she’d called from the garage to let him know she was on her way up, so he surely wouldn’t be speaking to her now. But maybe Andraya had rung him … Or
it
could be a quick call to rearrange a plan they’d made earlier … With a horrible feeling coming over her, she wondered if this was how it was going to be from now on, her thinking everything he did was somehow connected to Andraya, and him wondering the same about her and Nick. If it was, then their relationship really was doomed.

Hearing the call end she quickly pushed in the key and opened the door. Turning to gather up the shopping she’d picked up at Waitrose, she stepped inside. She wasn’t sure if a candle-lit dinner would be appropriate this evening, but she’d bought a fresh supply of candles anyway, and flowers, and wine and salmon steaks. After all, they had to eat, and though it was the very last thing she felt like doing right now, maybe she’d feel differently later.

He’d obviously heard her, because he came out of his study and seeing the shopping he immediately took it from her. ‘Are you OK?’ he asked, making no attempt to kiss her.

‘Fine,’ she answered, closing the door. ‘Are you?’

He was already walking away. ‘Seems we had the same thought,’ he told her. ‘I brought some supplies in too.’

She felt rebuffed. No kiss, no smile, not even a look to let her know how he was feeling, if he was glad she was here, or as anxious as she was about the evening ahead. ‘Lovely flowers,’ she said, going to sniff the arrangement he’d put on the dining table. ‘They’re beautiful. Did you get them downstairs?’

‘The same place as you got these?’ he asked, holding up the smaller bunch she’d brought in.

She looked at the artful arrangement and thought how oddly masculine they seemed for
such
delicate blooms. ‘They’re for you,’ she told him, and immediately hoped he didn’t think it was an inane attempt to buy off her conscience.

‘I’ll cherish them,’ he responded, with an ironic lilt in his voice.

She smiled and watched him set them in a vase, which he slid to one side of the bar, next to the phone.

‘Any messages?’ she asked, taking off her jacket as he continued to pack away the groceries.

‘A few,’ he answered. ‘They’re still on the machine.’

Not wanting to listen to them now, she wandered over to the bar and fought the urge to ask if he knew Andraya was back. If he did, was he thinking about her now? Was he imagining that sumptuous body and the mesmerizing eyes? Or was he thinking about Nick, and trying to escape the painful images of her making love to him? She knew how hard that was, for barely an hour went by without her tormenting herself with visions of him and Andraya – sometimes they even came when she was with Nick. It was crazy, and she never liked to think of it afterwards, but in some horrible, warped part of her mind she would find herself imagining she was Andraya thrashing around under Elliot’s powerful body, instead of her beneath Nick.

‘So what did Jolyon Kember have to say?’ she asked, cutting her mind free from the Brazilian whore.

‘Quite a lot actually,’ he answered.

As he brought her up to date he opened a bottle of wine and lifted two glasses from under the
counter
top. She watched as he poured and felt her heart tighten, for she loved his hands, and just wished she could stop herself imagining them on Andraya.

‘Does Tom know about all this?’ she asked, when he’d finished.

‘He already suspected most of it, but yes, he knows I’ve had a visit.’

He passed her a drink, and as their eyes met she had a horrible feeling he had read her thoughts about Andraya. But that was impossible, and even if he had, they were hers, not his, and if she didn’t stop doing this she was going to push him in the very direction she didn’t want him to go.

‘Cheers,’ he said.

‘Cheers,’ she echoed.

They drank, then both started to speak at once.

‘You first,’ he said.

‘No, you.’

‘I was just saying I got some fillet steaks for dinner,’ he told her.

‘I bought some too, though mine are salmon.’

‘We can have those if you prefer.’

‘No. Yours will be better. We can have the salmon tomorrow. Or we can freeze it,’ she added, remembering her arrangement to see Nick tomorrow.

His eyes stayed on her and she felt her heart twist. What was he thinking, she wondered. Did she really want to know? Not unless it was the same as her, that she wanted just to walk around the bar now and put her arms around him. And she might have, were she not sensing a resistance in him that made her afraid to attempt it.

‘Are you hungry?’ he asked, glancing at the clock. ‘I could start preparing something now.’

‘Then I’ll go and take a shower,’ she answered. ‘Or I could help.’

‘There’s not much to do.’

As she walked up the spiral staircase to their master suite, he couldn’t stop himself wondering if she had somehow managed to see Nick before coming here, and that was the real reason she was going for a shower now. He’d had the same thought when she’d walked in the door, that she’d just come from van Zant, which was why he’d made no attempt to kiss her – and the fact that van Zant’s name hadn’t been mentioned yet was almost seeming to confirm his suspicions. Maybe he should be the one to bring it up, but there wasn’t much in him that actually wanted to acknowledge the man’s existence, never mind the role he was playing in Laurie’s life. He just hoped to God she wasn’t going to tell him that the role was about to become permanent.

Taking a generous mouthful of wine, he began preparing some canapés. He had to stop thinking this way or he’d never get through the next hours with his temper in check, and losing it wasn’t going to help either of them. Already he knew he wasn’t handling things well, for the distance between them was almost palpable, but though he wanted nothing more than to close it, he just didn’t know how. He thought of her upstairs now, in the shower, the water cascading over her, and the way he would normally join her after they’d been apart for a while, but the suspicion that it was van Zant’s hands she wanted on her kept him where he was,
for
he could hardly think of anything worse than inciting her revulsion.

By the time she came down again he’d prepared a small plate of canapés, which he’d set on the bar, and was now chopping peppers and mushrooms to go with the steaks. He glanced up as he heard her on the stairs, and seeing her still brushing her damp hair, with no make-up on her face, and a casual T-shirt dress that showed she probably wore nothing underneath, he felt the fear of losing her tear through him so brutally he had to turn away. Just how the hell was he going to handle this, he was asking himself angrily. Someone please show him the way, because right now he could barely even think of his next move, never mind his next words.

As she came to the other side of the bar and helped herself to a canapé she began talking about Tom again. ‘He’s too high profile,’ she said. ‘If he disappears, or they put him in prison, questions will be asked, and we have the answers.’

‘But not the proof,’ he responded. ‘Right now, those documents could have come from anywhere,’ and keeping his eyes on what he was doing, he added, ‘does Nick have any more of the ’97 version yet?’

Only able to look at him because he wasn’t looking at her, she said, ‘Yes. He brought it back with him.’

‘So when can we expect to see something?’

‘Tomorrow.’

Still he kept his face averted. ‘Is he bringing it here?’

‘No. I’m going there.’

For several minutes he said nothing, only concentrated on dropping the vegetables into hot oil, and unwrapping the steaks. ‘So you haven’t been with him today?’ he said finally, wiping his hands with a tea towel.

‘No. You know where I was today.’

‘You’ve spoken to him though.’

‘Yes.’

He nodded, then turned to lower the gas. ‘Would you prefer to be there now?’

‘No, of course not.’

At last he looked at her, and though his expression was as harsh as his manner there was no mistaking the pain in his eyes. ‘So just how serious is it between you?’ he asked.

It was a question she’d dreaded, for she knew she wasn’t going to give him the answer he wanted, and her face was pale, her voice horribly strained as she said, ‘I – I don’t know.’

He turned away, but she knew the doubt had hurt him deeply, and immediately she wished she could take the words back. But even if she could, what would she say in their place?

For a while neither of them spoke, until finally she said, ‘I’m not doing it to punish you.’

His irony was bleak as he replied, ‘Maybe it would be better if you were.’

She watched him pluck a garlic bulb from a hanging stem and break it apart. ‘Do you want me to give him up?’ she said.

His eyes came briefly to hers. ‘If that’s what you want to do,’ he responded.

Though his answer annoyed her, she should have known better than to try and push him into
making
the decision for her, so after taking a sip of wine she stared down at her glass and tried asking herself what she really wanted. Of course it was him, being here now she wondered that she could ever have been in any doubt, but how the hell were they going to get past all the hurt there was between them? How was she ever going to be sure that he wouldn’t be tempted by another Andraya, or indeed by the one who was only a few miles away right now?

Looking up, she found to her surprise that he was watching her, and as she looked back she couldn’t help wondering what it would mean to him if she left. Would he be totally devastated, just as she had been when he’d gone? Would he feel as though his life couldn’t go on, that nothing made any sense without her, or even mattered any more? It was hard to imagine someone like him falling victim to such debilitating feelings, or becoming so stuck in his pain that he couldn’t move on.

‘I wish I knew what you wanted,’ she told him.

Seeming surprised, he said, ‘You can be in any doubt?’

‘If that means it’s me, then you have a funny way of showing it.’

There was a note of impatience in his voice as he said, ‘Did you consider that I might be finding it difficult to behave normally when I know you’re sleeping with another man, and that you’re not intending to give him up?’

‘I didn’t say that,’ she retorted. ‘I asked if you wanted me to …’

‘I know what you asked and I gave you my answer.’

She took a breath, but he hadn’t finished.

‘I’ve wanted to think,’ he said, ‘that what you’re doing is some kind of payback, but you seem to be telling me it goes much deeper than that.’

Her eyes went down as she said, ‘All I know is that I love you and I don’t want this to be happening, but when I’m with him it’s as though it’s something … something I need and …’ She stopped, realizing how hard this had to be for him to hear.

It was how he’d felt about Andraya, he was thinking, at the mercy of a passion that he hadn’t found the will to resist, and knowing how intense his feelings had been, and how much he had put at stake because of them, left him in no doubt of what he was facing now.

Needing to know what he was thinking, if she was right about his feelings, she said, ‘Don’t you feel angry? Doesn’t it do anything to you to think of me with …?’

‘Of course it does,’ he cut in sharply. ‘And yes, I’m angry. And jealous and frankly I’d like to kill him, but is that going to change anything? You’ll do what you want to do, whatever you feel
compelled
to do, and it won’t matter how I feel, because as you just told me, you can’t make it stop.’

She was so close now to throwing Andraya in his face that she had to remind herself fiercely that if she went that route, she was the one who’d end up being hurt. ‘Tell me,’ she said, her voice edged in bitterness, ‘when you talk to Nick on the phone, how does it feel? Can you put all this aside and pretend it’s not happening?’