The Holly Project (13 page)

I was gobsmacked.

“Here you go.” Giovanni placed a bowl of gnocchi in front of each of us. The aroma was intoxicating. “
Parmigiano
?”

“
Si, grazie
,” we both said.

The wonderful smell of our meals was not enough to quash the sadness I felt at Jason’s admission. Unable to respond, I tucked into my mouth-watering gnocchi. At least the gnocchi was uncomplicated, and wasn’t asking anything of me.

“Oh my God. This is so good,” I said, more to myself than to Jason.

“I pretty much told you I’m in love with you and you’re raving about the food.” I glanced at Jason’s bowl – it hadn’t been touched.

I put down my fork and wiped my mouth with my napkin.

“Alright. Let’s have this out. I thought I had made it perfectly clear that I don’t feel that way about you. I have never led you on. Did you really think I would ever change my mind?”

“Hoped. I think deep down I knew I was deluding myself, but I just hoped you would change your mind once you’d dealt with your mother’s death properly. I wanted to be the man you gave yourself to when you were ready.”

Suddenly I wasn’t hungry anymore.

“What are you talking about?” I was livid. I leant forward and whispered. “I have dealt with my mother’s death. I’ve dealt with it every day for the past ten years. I will have to deal with it every day for the rest of my life. Who the hell do you think you are telling me I haven’t dealt with it?”

“Shit, Holly. Don’t get angry. We’re trying to sort this out, not make it worse.”

“Then don’t bring my mother into it and don’t fuck over my best friend,” I snapped.

“I’m sorry.” He stared down into his gnocchi.

I took a deep breath. “Look, if it makes you feel better, I don’t plan on letting Ryan get a hold of my heart. Happy?”

“No, I’m not happy. Of course I’m not fucking happy. You’re my best friend and I’ve been in love with you forever. I’ve made a complete fuck up not only of our friendship, but also my friendship with Audrey. I’m sure I’m not Zara’s favourite person either. What part of that do you think would make me happy exactly?”

“I have no idea.” I felt drained and confused.

Since meeting Ryan, I felt like I’d jumped out of a plane with no parachute. My friends had always been such a great source of comfort to me. These revelations from Jason were really upsetting.

“Shall we get out of here and go for a walk?” he asked.

“I think that’s a great idea. I can’t believe you’ve turned me off my gnocchi. I might never forgive you for that.” I managed a smile so he knew I was mostly kidding.

Poor Giovanni looked heartbroken when he saw Jason signalling for the bill, despite the two full bowls of food in front of us.

“Gnocchi no good?” he asked. The poor man looked like we had run over his favourite puppy.

“Oh no,” I exclaimed. “Your gnocchi is the best in the world. It’s Jason’s fault. You should ban him from coming back.”

I don’t think Giovanni realised I was joking. He glared at Jason, who held up his hands defensively.

“She’s kidding. I’m sorry.” Jason pretended to tear his hair out.

Giovanni laughed half-heartedly, but he still looked devastated. I wondered if our welcome would be as warm the next time.

We left the restaurant and headed right. George Street wound its way through the buzzing, touristy area of the Rocks and under the southern end of the Harbour Bridge. There were plenty of people around, jostling past us, but we just strolled along, oblivious.

“Are we going to be okay, Holly?” Jason asked, after we’d been walking for a while in silence. “I don’t want to lose our friendship. Even if we can never be anything more, I want us to be friends.”

“I do too. But now you know for sure we’ll never be anything more, are you sure you really want to stay friends?”

“I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed, but I’m not going anywhere.”

“Okay then. Clean slate? Though I’d like to see you grovelling to Audrey for a while longer.”

“Deal. No future for us beyond friendship, no mention of you not dealing with your mum’s death, no having sex with our friends, grovel to Audrey.”

“I think that covers it.” I wanted this conversation to be done. Only time would tell if our relationship really could survive this hurdle, but I was glad we’d had it out. It was time. I loved Jason and I wanted him in my life. I just wasn’t
in
love with him.

“Look over there.” I pointed across the harbour to Lavender Bay. “That’s the Aqua Vue building.”

“Wow, that’s going to be amazing when the redesign is complete.”

“I think so too.” Ryan flashed through my mind. I wanted to be standing there with him. I wanted his arms around me. I missed him. The dull ache in my heart was suddenly replaced with a stabbing sensation. I rubbed my chest frantically.

“What’s wrong?” Jason asked, concern etched on his face.

“Nothing. I don’t know. My chest hurts. It’s okay, it’s going away.” The pain subsided as quickly as it had come.

“I’ll take you home.”

“Run tomorrow?” he asked hopefully as we reached my building.

“Sure. I’ll meet you at 8?”

“Thanks for tonight, Holly. I’m really glad you were willing to talk after what happened.”

“I love you, Jason. I don’t throw away friendships easily. But mess with Audrey again and this ice queen might just stay frozen.”

“Noted.”

“Good night, Jason.”

I watched him walk away. Part of me wanted to see Ryan, but I needed some time alone to think through what Jason had said.

When I entered the apartment, Audrey and Corey were cuddled up on the couch watching a movie.

“Hi, guys,” I said, but kept walking. Audrey would get the hint that I didn’t want to stop and chat.

“Night, Hol,” she called after me.

I crawled into bed and reached for the wooden box in my bedside drawer. After going years without touching it, suddenly I found myself writing in my journal almost daily.

Ryan had made more than just a small crack in the defensive walls around my heart. He was driving a wedge in. Each time I was with him, the crack deepened. Whenever we were apart, I felt the same ache. However, instead of the pain I thought love would cause, I felt more whole than I had in ten years. I had lied to Jason about not giving Ryan my heart. I was falling in love with him.

As if on cue, my phone alerted me to a text message.

Can I come over? I miss you ;-)

I knew I would have to talk to him sooner or later about how I was feeling, but I wasn’t ready just yet. Telling him would mean not seeing him anymore. Instead, I switched my phone off.

Like a coward, I ignored Ryan’s many phone calls and text messages the next day. I didn’t know what to say. My instincts were telling me to make a clean break. If I didn’t end it soon, my career would become collateral damage down the track. That was simply unacceptable. I had worked too hard. However, every time I thought about that conversation, the ache in my chest reminded me I was already in over my head. I was in uncharted territory and I was terrified.

Audrey and I spent the day in the city. She talked non-stop about Corey and her latest promotion at work. Audrey was a merchandiser for Australia’s largest department store chain. We walked through the Queen Victoria Building and she entertained me by pointing out the flaws in the window displays. She also highlighted the ones she thought were done well, and explained why. I loved hearing her talk with such passion and enthusiasm.

“Let’s get a coffee,” she suggested when she saw me yawning. “Why are you so tired?”

“Um… I didn’t sleep that well last night. I have a lot on my mind. I’m fine.”

“What’s really up, Hol?” she asked, once we were settled at a table overlooking the Town Hall building I loved so much.

I wasn’t sure if I was ready to admit that I had feelings for Ryan, so I went with the other unsettling thing on my mind.

“Um… Jason told me he’s in love with me.”

“Oh.” A small laugh escaped from her, but it sounded more like a strangled cat. “So is everything okay with you two then?”

“I think so. I made it crystal clear that our only future is as friends. I think he got the message this time. He does seem really sorry he hurt you.”

“I’m not sorry. If he hadn’t hurt me, I wouldn’t have called Corey.” Her smile was tainted by sadness though. “I would always have been second best for Jase.”

“He seems really great. I’m so glad you met him.” I took a sip of coffee and contemplated telling her about Ryan. “I feel like everything is changing lately.”

“You can’t stop change, Holly. It’s inevitable.” She shrugged her shoulders and smiled. “Whatever is going on with you and Ryan, you appear happier. I’m seeing glimpses of the Holly I knew a long time ago.”

“I don’t think I can keep seeing him. I’m in too deep.”

“You’re falling in love with him, aren’t you?” Her smug smile lit up her face.

I couldn’t return her smile.

“Don’t fight it, Holly, I’m begging you – open up to him.”

“Come on.” I stood up and ignored Audrey’s eye rolling. “No more boy talk. Let’s go.”

We spent the rest of the day wandering around the city talking about random crap and laughing endlessly. It was so good to tune out from the noise in my head. When we finally made it back to our apartment late afternoon, Audrey disappeared to get ready to meet Corey for dinner.

I flopped down on the couch and grabbed a magazine from the coffee table. Just as I was ready to zone out completely, Zara appeared from her room and headed straight for the kitchen. She returned to the lounge with a bottle of wine and two glasses.

“Where’s lover boy?” I asked, as she handed me my glass.

“We’re taking a break,” she replied matter of factly.

“What? As in breaking up?” I sputtered my wine.

“No. Why would you automatically assume that? You are such an incredible pessimist.”

“Come on, Zara. I’m no expert, but taking a break usually implies breaking up temporarily, doesn’t it?”

“We’ve just had every night together for a while now and thought we’d have a few nights off. There’s only so much sex we can have.” She sipped her wine, grinning provocatively.

“You are so confusing, Zar.”

She raised her eyebrows and scoffed. “Pot. Kettle. Black.”

“I’m not confusing. I’m as black and white as they come.”

“You’re kidding, right?”

“No, of course not.” I took a large swig of wine. “Why am I confusing?”

“Oh, I don’t know. You’re gorgeous, successful and have everything going for you. The hottest man to walk the planet wants you but you’ll ditch him the second it gets serious. Knowing you, you’re probably already scheming your exit strategy.” She put her glass down and looked me dead in the eye. “You’re different since you met Ryan. You’re the happiest I’ve seen you. But you’re so hung up on what happened to your mum that you’re going to ruin your future with him.”

Where the hell did that come from?

“Wow, maybe you should tell me what you really think.” My voice was soft and squeaky and the inevitable lump in my throat took hold.

“I think you need to get over yourself.”

“You do, do you?” I stood up, ready to head to the sanctuary of my bedroom.

“That would be right. Walk away and hide. I’m tired of walking on eggshells with you, Holly. You’ve got to stop assuming what happened to your mum is going to happen to you.”

“I’m going to bed.” I started walking away, then stopped and turned. “I don’t expect you to understand my choices but I do expect you to respect them. If you don’t think you can, I’ll move out.”

“I’m saying this because I love you. Both Audrey and Jason think the same thing, but Audrey is too close to you and doesn’t want to hurt your feelings. Jason probably doesn’t want to ruin his chances of marrying you one day.”

“And you don’t mind hurting my feelings?”

“Nope. I don’t want to marry you.” She chuckled then continued seriously. “You need a kick up the butt, Holly. I’m sorry to be the one to do it but someone has to. You’re going to throw something really good away.”

Something about the look on Zara’s face stopped me from walking out. I returned to the couch and sat down.

“Do you really walk on eggshells around me?” I asked, tentatively.

“All year you pretend to be a pillar of strength when we all know you’re still struggling with her death. I just don’t know why you think you have to put on this pretence.”

“Have you always felt this way?”

“Pretty much. When we were at uni, I asked Audrey about your history. It was obvious you had some sort of baggage. She told me about your mum and how you refused to have a serious relationship so you couldn’t consign anyone else to the same fate.”

“Look, Zara, I’m sorry if you feel I’ve been dishonest or deceitful. I just do the best I can. I miss my mum every single day but I don’t want to walk around blubbering about it. I want to get on with my life.”

“I get that. But bottling it up for your birthday each year isn’t healthy. And even then, you want us to stay away from you. I’ve never said ‘Happy birthday’ to you, never been out for a birthday drink or bought you a present.”

“That’s because I don’t think of it as my birthday. I think of it as the day I was told my mum was dead.” My vision blurred but I took a deep breath, trying to stop the tears from falling.

“It’s still your birthday, Holly. I for one think that’s something worth celebrating. And your mum’s life is something worth celebrating, too. From what Audrey tells me, she was a really wonderful lady. I think it’s about time you talked to a professional about your grief.”

I felt like I’d been simultaneously punched in the stomach and knifed through the heart.

I stood up shakily. “I need to go to bed now. I’m not hiding, I promise. I just need to think things through. Everything is changing too fast.”

She nodded, and hugged me. Some of the things she’d said were hurtful but my brain registered truth in her words. My carefully constructed world was on shaky ground. Somehow I had to find a safe haven before I stumbled into one of the deep crevices opening up around me.