The Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child (36 page)

• Tell your child that it’s okay to be scared and upset but to try not to cry in front of the bully (that’s what he wants). Better to stay calm and walk away.

• Give the kids on your child’s route a healthy treat when they are walking home or they get off the bus, and chat with them in a friendly way. Bullies are less likely to torment a child whose parent has been nice to them.

The Silver Lining

“
A blunder at the right moment is better than cleverness at the wrong time
.” —
Carolyn Wells

Differences and conflicts are unavoidable. However, every clashing of minds presents an opportunity to learn something new. Learning to find ways to manage conflict without avoiding it helps innies develop into more capable and confident adults. It is extremely rewarding to teach innies the life skills to handle rough patches—especially when you see them realize they can come up with creative solutions to complex social problems. Innies will learn that some conflicts are worth the outlay of energy—the roses are worth the thorns.

The Heart of the Matter

•
Wherever there are people, there are conflicts
.

•
Conflicts are opportunities to improve relationships
.

•
Innies can learn to be prepared to use energy for conflicts and bully busting
.

CONCLUSION
Reflections as We Disembark

“
The world may be a different place because I was important in the life of a child
.” —
Forest E. Witcraft

Each child’s temperament presents gifts that are difficult or easy for parents to nurture. An extroverted child’s gifts can be closer to the surface—with a bit of sunlight, water, and a smidgen of fertilizer they bloom. The biggest challenge for parenting an outie is the need for accurate and consistent pruning. Introverted children, on the other hand, are just the opposite. Their gifts may be harder to see. Parents need to learn how to bring them into the light. Innies need “just right” nurturing to mature and flourish. And it’s best to go easy on the pruning.

You may have been surprised to learn through the course of this book that there is far more to temperament than meets the eye. Parenting an introverted child may pose particular challenges, since parents must first face the biases they may have absorbed from
growing up in an extroverted culture. It is not easy to parent a child who doesn’t fit the mold. Innies in particular require time, understanding, and patience. The preceding chapters have given you the tools you need to help your introverted child in all areas of his life. Most important, I have offered strategies for building on your innie’s strengths and developing his self-esteem. Temperament is lifelong; it is not an attribute one can change or outgrow. Therefore, helping your innie to accept his own temperament and learn to negotiate the social and energetic demands of the outside world will help his future look bright.

Your Innie Needs YOU

“
To the world you may be just one person but to one person you are the world
.” —
Mac Anderson and Lance Wubbels

In today’s hectic and impersonal world you may feel insignificant at times. If you are lucky and have an introverted child, remember that, to her at least, you are the world. While true of all children, it’s doubly so with innies—because although they may not show it, they rely heavily on emotional relationships in their family. They need you. Introverted kids must have meaningful relationships in order to develop their gifts. A good relationship with you is the key to uncovering their hidden strengths.

Never forget
: You are very important to your innie.

What Does Your Innie
Really
Require from You?

It’s easier to parent with confidence if you are clear about what your innie needs. Knowing where to focus and direct your parenting efforts saves energy and increases your sense of satisfaction. It also provides a solid base from which to make daily decisions. Your love and support are what your child needs in the most global sense. Here we take a closer look at ten ways to ensure that your innie thrives.

Parent Trap

Whether you are an innie or an outie, it takes a lot of energy to parent. Let me remind you to keep your own energy reserves full. It isn’t selfish to take time out for yourself. In fact, without recharging his or her battery pack once in a while, no parent can function well.

Plan to take care of yourself in the following ways:

• Keep your body healthy.

• Learn some form of physical and mental relaxation.

• Make sure you’re not depriving yourself of adult company.

• Clear your mind. Try ten minutes of resting in a dark room, meditating, reading a good novel or other book you enjoy, soaking in a warm bath, or listening to soothing music.

• Stay organized. I know this is not always easy, but clutter saps energy.

• Keep the romantic fires burning in your life.

1. Time

To a child, love is spelled T-I-M-E. Time with your innie is the raw material that builds a strong bond between you. Time can’t be catch-as-catch-can. You have to consciously plan to make time to be together. Carving out time with your innie maintains the link your introverted child needs. Of course, there are thousands of demands that pull you in numerous directions. Like most parents, you no doubt wish the days were longer. But if you lose precious moments with your innie, they can never be recovered. Make time with your innie a priority, both for his sake and so that you don’t miss knowing a remarkable child.

2. Trust

It can be frightening to think that you influence your child merely by being yourself. But you do. You are your child’s primary role model. If you aren’t honest, don’t expect that your child will be. If you break the promises you make to your child, expect that she will learn to do the same. I have worked with so many parents who have no compunction about being deceitful but complain vigorously when their children lie—without making any connection between the two. Introverted children count on what you say more than outies do. They not only detect lies, but they remember promises, so it’s vitally important to be honest with them. Lying erodes relationships and makes trust impossible.

3. Stability

Innies need constancy. Daily life requires less energy when your innie enjoys a predictable and stable environment. His world will be as safe and as stable as you make it. If you are unpredictable, his life becomes chaotic. If he has to worry about your mood or your whereabouts, he won’t have the energy or attention to devote to his main job—growing up. Providing stability enables him to build a solid foundation.

4. Confidence in Her Potential

Become a student of your introverted child’s world. Learn to watch, listen, and take notice. Can you tell when she feels upset or depleted? Do you know if she is giving a report next week? Or what she does and doesn’t like? Help your innie discover her interests and talents. Innies have lots of potential—help your child tap into hers through your intimate knowledge of her.

5. A Slow Pace

For your innie’s sake, if not your own,
slow down
. Innies can’t think or talk unless they feel they can enter a pressure-free zone. They need a slow, patient pace as much as possible. Living in a rushed and tense atmosphere sucks the oxygen right out of them.
Don’t let your life be ruled by stress. When you slow down, you will notice that your innie will bring more of his world to you.

6. Perseverance

Innies are hardwired to be persistent. You can model this valuable trait for your child by demonstrating stick-to-it-iveness. “Boy, I was so frustrated with my boss. I felt like throwing in the towel. Two days later we both cooled off and we talked. She saw my point of view. I’m glad I thought of another way to approach her.” Point out and praise your child’s resolve: “I liked the way you asked three times for a turn on the swing. And he finally gave you a turn.”

7. Courage in the Face of Adversity

Help your innie realize that hardship is part of life. And help her face the music when she makes poor choices. Keep a balance. Don’t shield her from the consequences of her actions, but don’t let her be crushed or treated harshly. Discuss the roadblocks you’ve faced, and how you managed to hop over, dig under, or take a detour around them. Innies make good use of “me, too” stories, if they are told with a “we’re in this together” attitude. If you rebound well from your problems, your innie will, too.

8. Acceptance of Mistakes

I’m sure you have noticed that no one is perfect. Your example of admitting mistakes and apologizing for them is a tremendous legacy to give any child. But innies in particular take things to heart and often blame themselves for whatever goes wrong. Thus it is vitally important to reassure your child when he is not to blame. Acknowledging your errors, failures, and disappointments teaches your innie that everyone makes mistakes. That’s how we learn.

9. Encouragement

An innie needs to feel that you are in her corner—not just when things are going well, but all the time. Know what goal she prizes and
help her achieve it. Show concern for her struggles, and support her achievements. Help her recognize options and make priorities. Satisfaction in life must be earned. So help her find what it is that sparks her mind and encourage relationships that aid her growth. Keep your eye on the goal of raising her to be a mature adult.

10. Delight

It always saddens me to see parents who don’t enjoy their children. Of course at times we all tire of everyone in our lives. But it seems to me that nothing in life compares to the joy of holding your child’s hand, watching him sleep, or looking into his eyes and seeing a unique person separate from you. All kids are marvelous creatures. Since innies are so attuned to their perceptions they can come up with startling insights, humorous perspectives, and creative solutions. Innies love it if you let your hair down. Play with them and let them show you the wonders that all too often pass you by. Even if you are tired, don’t shrug your innie aside when he asks you to listen, look, or share. Real life is lived moment to moment, so don’t let those vital minutes slip away.

I’d Like to Hear from You

“
Make the most of your child’s uniqueness
.” —
LaVonne Neff

I hope that you understand your innie, and maybe yourself and other family members, a little better after reading this book. I would like to hear from you. You can contact me on my Web site [email protected] or by mail at P. O. Box 6565, Portland, Oregon 97228-6565. I welcome hearing about your experiences with your innie. Treasure your innie. He or she is a gift.

Appendix

Syndromes and Disorders that Are Sometimes Confused with Introversion

Introversion—and particularly introversion in children—remains misunderstood, even by professionals. For this reason, a child who is introverted may get tagged with other childhood problems and diagnoses. Knowing what these are can help you better determine how to help your child, as well as avoid being waylaid by false diagnoses.

Here are some syndromes and disorders that can be confused with introversion—and why they differ.

Sensory Integration Dysfunction
. Children with this newly recognized problem may have intense aversions to loud sounds, being touched, the feel of certain clothes, messy hands, and eating certain foods. Or they may have the opposite reaction and
crave
touch, noise, and strong sensation. Sensory integration dysfunction
can affect both innies and outies. It is associated with premature birth and seems to have a genetic component. Introverted children can be highly attuned to their sensory experience but not with the same painful level of intensity.

High Sensitivity
. Every child has a comfort zone, much like Goldilocks with her “not too much and not too little” preference. The highly sensitive child has very narrow margins of comfort—things have to be
just right
or they are not okay at all. This condition, which affects 15–20 percent of the population, is thought to have a genetic component and can be augmented by abusive family environments. The majority of highly sensitive persons are introverts, but about 30 percent are extroverts. There is an overlap; introverted children may retreat from too much external stimulation. However, the introvert wouldn’t necessarily react to sensory input in the same global way.

ADD and ADHD Spectrum
. Children with ADD and ADHD have difficulty concentrating, paying attention, and finishing tasks. They can be impulsive, dreamy, or tuned out. If a child is hyperactive—in perpetual motion—it is called attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD); without hyperactivity, it is called attention deficit disorder (ADD). Some 5 percent of children are estimated to be on this spectrum. Research suggests that these conditions result from a combination of genetic and environmental causes. An introverted child, with her internal focus, may be seen as inattentive. Typically, extroverts are diagnosed with ADHD and introverts with ADD.

Autism and Asperger’s Disorders
. These syndromes reflect a cluster of symptoms that include problems in communication and relating to others, and the display of repetitive behaviors. In the film
Rain Man
, Dustin Hoffman portrayed a character with severe autism. Autistic children lack age-appropriate friendships, empathy, and an interest in sharing and communicating with others. However, they may have great gifts in specific areas, such as in sequencing numbers and visual processing. Asperger’s syndrome is diagnosed
when the child is at a higher level of functioning. Studies indicate various brain areas that are affected, but as yet there is little certain about the causes or the cure for these conditions.