The Heart's Ashes (76 page)

My heart
pumped faster. “I…I don’t actually know.”

She sat back.
“For the most part, neither do we. Mike wants me to talk to
you—find out what happened.”

My stomach
turned to bubbling lava.

“
But we don’t have to, Amara. Okay? We don’t have to talk
about this yet.”

I felt so
fragile, made of glass or rice paper. Even mentioning what happened
made it too real to bear.

She sighed.
“Okay, subject change?”

I forced a
smile.

“
Do you like gossip?” she said, flipping her hair. “Always
makes me feel better after I’ve been tortured.”

“
You’ve been tortured?” I almost jumped off the
bed.

“
Of course. Most Lilithians have.”

“
Why?”

“
Because it’s a means of control,” she said simply, reliving
every ache within her gaze. “Why do you think we’ve prayed for your
existence—would fight to the death to save you? We lost half our
knights tonight, Amara. That’s no small loss.”

Words could
not carry my gratitude; I simply shook my head, my mouth open to
all the things I wanted to say.

“
It’s okay.” She touched my hand. “I know. I really do know
how you feel.”

“
Yeah, I know you do—everyone knows how I feel. They always
have.”

“
Yeah, but, I’m different.”

“
I’m sure you are.”

“
No, I really am. I have—” She rolled her shoulder back and
flicked her cherry hair again. “I mean, I have this special
ability—empathy. I meet a person, and I can sort of know where
they’re coming from. I kind of ‘get them’.”

“
Oh.”

“
Yeah, it’s a useless tool, really. But I get this—” She
motioned around my room, and especially at me. “I get this complex
relationship you guys have got going on.”

“
Who?”

“
You, Emily, Mike—the whole flaming love triangle
thing.”

I looked away. “Not even
I
get that, Morgaine.”

“
But I do. And Emily does. It’s just you and Mike lost out
there in the dark.”

“
What do you mean—what are we not ‘getting’?”

“
Love. You don’t know what you feel.”

“
Hm. True.”

“
And that’s okay, you know. It is okay to be
confused.”

“
I’m not confused. It’s all very clear to me now—how I feel
about Mike.” The news about being partly spirit bound to him
highlighted that.

“
He’s
confused,” Morgaine
said.

“
No, he’s not. He loves Emily.”

“
Yes, but he hasn’t had time to think about that.”

“
And that’s my fault?”

“
No one said that.” She sighed heavily. “Look, Amara, when
Eric came and told us what he saw on Jason’s list, Mike literally
punched a wall. Then…” her voice slowed and she twiddled her
fingers in her lap. “Then he just sat against it with his head in
his knees, and cried. I’ve never heard a man cry such deep agony.”
She shook her head softly. “Emily was beside herself—not just
because of what you were going through, but because at that moment,
she realised he’s never going to let go. He’s incapable of not
loving you. Confused doesn’t even begin to describe it.”

My mouth
dropped open.

“
Oh, no. I’m sorry, that’s one of my other talents—gift of the
gab.” She slapped her forehead. “I always say too much. I’m—please,
Amara. Don’t listen to me. I’m a horrible person. I—” She reached
for me.

“
No.” I placed my hand on hers. “No, it’s okay. Really. I
think—I think it’s better if I know what’s going on.” I forced a
smile. “Maybe it’s good you say too much. At least I can rely on
someone to tell me the truth about what’s going on around
here.”

“
Well, then, we’ll make good friends,” she beamed. “If you can
always handle the cold, hard truth, and I can rely on you not to
hate me for it, I think we’ll get along great.”

Her smile
stretched out, pulling me into the kinship I’d seen between her and
Emily earlier. I studied her soft skin and thin, heart-shaped face.
“I can see why he loved you.”

“
Who?”

“
David.” I nearly choked on the word.

Morgaine
dropped her chin to her chest. “Did he—did David ever tell you why
he left me?”

“
No. Apparently he never told me anything—never even told me
about Pepper, or the Set, or what he did to Jason’s
girlfriend.”

“
Don’t hate him for it, Amara. He just wanted to protect you
from the truth about himself. He was so worried you’d hate him for
it.”

“
I can’t hate him. I—”
I can’t even
think about him.
“Why didn’t you marry
him? He did tell me once that you were the only one he ever
considered marrying.”

“
Really?” Morgaine flipped her head to one side and grinned.
“David and I, we were in love, but…we were too different. He needed
someone to care for—to protect—while I’m really more the sort to be
the protector.”

“
So that’s it?” I asked. “That’s the only reason?”

“
We just weren’t right for each other, but he’ll always have a
special place in my heart.”

“
So, why did they bring
you
in to torture him?”

Morgaine
pressed her lips together, her nose crinkling across the bridge.
“I’m kind of like David in that sense. He was the best punisher in
the Vampire Set, and I was the best in the Lilithian Order. They
wanted his punishment to be grave.”

“
But you didn’t hurt him?”

She shook her
head. “We had to starve him and smack him around a little to make
it look like I had, but—” She stared forward, her eyes glassing
over. “I never thought—when the vampires came to take him, I just
never thought they’d—” Her delicate fingertips covered her lips.
“Oh, God, poor David.”

I nodded,
digging my thumbnail into my fingertip.

“
I know what Jason’s done to your life, Amara.” She turned to
me quickly, grabbed both my hands. “I saw it in his soul. He
suffered for what he did to you. Not enough, but I saw the
suffering.”

“
He bound me to him.” I looked down.

“
What? A spirit bind?

“
Mm-hm.”

She brushed my
hair from my neck. “But Lilithians can’t be bound.”

“
I was still human then.”

“
You have no Mark.”

“
It wasn’t physical. He bound me in a dream.”

“
A dream?”

“
Yes.”

Morgaine
smiled. “But, a spirit bind is only physical? How can he—”

“
He made me believe my hair was blonde once, even when I
woke.”

“
Really? Well, he kept his powers to himself, then. He never
so much as even hinted he might have
that
kind of power.”

“
Why would he keep it secret?”

Her knowing
smile displayed thoughts behind her eyes that I would never be let
in on. “In the vampire world?” she said. “He’d have many
reasons.”

“
Well, thanks to him wearing Mike’s face when he did it, half
my mind believes it’s bound to Mike.”

“
No, you have feelings for Mike because you love him. The
spirit bind breaks when the vampire who placed it dies.” Her face
went white as her lips slowly parted. “Oh, no, only if
you
kill
him.”

“
What?” My eyes stung. “So, I’ll never be free?”

“
Free?” She studied me, confusion in her frown. “Oh. Oh.
Amara.” She covered her mouth. “Of course. The bind makes you
believe you have feelings for Jason, too.”

“
No,” I said, disgusted. “No, I just…I keep finding myself
trying to understand why he did what he did—trying to find a
reason, something I did, maybe, that set him off.”

“
Oh, princess.” She touched my face. “You won’t find a reason.
And you never did anything to deserve what happened to
you.”

“
Except be born,” I said.

“
Yes—born into an age-old feud. I am sorry, but I’m also not
sorry. Your existence alone is enough to give strength to our
people. After centuries of darkness and slavery, you’re our
light—our hope.”

“
But I’m just a girl, Morgaine.”

“
I know.” She nodded. “But I’m not asking you to swear an oath
to us, I’m just asking you to realise, for now, that you have
descended from royal blood, and you do have a duty to your people.
If you don’t save us…”

“
No one will?” I rolled my eyes.

“
I know it sounds cliché, Amara, but it’s the truth. We need
you.”

“
I don’t care. I’m sorry. I know that’s harsh, but I just want
to be dead.”

“
Well, I know it matters to you that Mike needs you. He
cannot
live without you.
I’ve seen it in
his
soul. He loves you.”

“
No, he’s caught up in how I feel for him, because of the
spirit bind. He—”

“
Does Mike know, yet—about the bind?”

“
No.” I looked down
. Poor
Mike.

“
It’ll break his heart.”

“
I know.”

“
He’s a good guy. I really like him. I’m glad he’s Lilithian
and not vampire.”

“
So you picked it? When you met him, you knew?”

“
Yeah.” She smiled warmly at the memory. “But…straight after I
told him, all the sudden joy of the proof of your existence slipped
away; Mike grabbed my arms, looked deep into my eyes and said,
‘Show me how to save her.’” She even put on his deep, husky tone; I
smiled.

“
He’s always been my knight, you know.”

“
I know. I felt that, too; felt the love, felt his desperation
to be with you—to protect you.”

“
If only I hadn’t let myself love Jason in that dream, maybe
everything would’ve turned out different.”

“
That was just so evil of him—of Jason. If he wanted to hurt
David, that was the—”

“
Morgaine. Please?” I shook my head. “Don’t say things like
that. What happened to David was horrible—and that’s without adding
the weight of his emotional torture to it.”

Morgaine
frowned, pressing her lip between her teeth. “Amara? What happened
in that room—with David?”

“
He—” My throat constricted, blocking the air from gasping
down with my sobs. “I—Jason made me bite him, and I did, and I
thought only of the blood—nothing of David.” I looked down at my
hands. “I had to watch him burn. I had to watch him melt under
those flames with no way to save him. Jason just…he just picked him
up and…he was just gone. Like that.” I clicked my
fingers.

Morgaine held
me close and stroked my hair.

“
I just don’t know how to go on. I don’t want to be alive, I
don’t want to be a royal, I don’t care about your people, Morgaine.
Everything I cared about died in that fire.”

“
Oh.” She sat up and looked at me. “Oh. Oh, my God. I—” She
stood up.

“
What? What is it?” I looked around, feeling the crawl of fear
over my spine.

“
Stay here.” She pointed at me, backing over to the door.
“Mike,” she called as she opened it. “Mike!” she yelled again,
desperation shaking her voice.

“
What?” He sprung up, going a little too fast, and smacked
into the wall with his forearm.

Morgaine
smiled, chuckling in the back of her throat.

“
Yeah, sorry, not used to the speed thing yet—what’s up,
Morg?”

“
I know what’s wrong with Amara.”

“
What?” He looked at her, then at me.

“
She doesn’t want to live…now that David’s dead.” Her eyes
widened.

Mike paled.
“Oh, shit. I never even—” He covered his mouth and landed on his
knees in front of me. “Baby, I gotta tell you something. I’m such
an idiot. Shit.” He looked at Morgaine, his shoulders lifting
slightly; “What do I say?”

“
Amara—David’s not dead.”

“
What?”

“
He’s not dead,” Morgaine said again.

A shaking
breath from my ultra-still chest left my lips in a whimper.

“
Oh, jeeze, girl, I’m sorry.” Mike’s wide eyes bore into mine;
his hands clasped my arms tightly. “We thought you were upset about
the fire.”

“
He’s alive?”

“
I didn’t realise you thought he was dead, baby, he’s immune
to Lilithian venom. I thought you’d realise that—you’ve bitten him
before.”

“
You…” My words came out laced with white shock. “You…thought
I was that upset because he
burned
?”

“
Yes, because he burned—
alive
.”

Chills encased
my soulless carcass, my eyes growing larger with every breath of
fight that grew in me. Like a rocket had been tied to my feet, I
launched from the bed.

Mike grabbed
my waist as I reached the door, then pinned me to the wall. “Ara,
baby, listen to me.”