The Heart's Ashes (36 page)

“
What makes you so sure he won’t leave?”

“
I just know him, okay. Except, the brother I grew up with
would, in no way, put up with the
rubbish
he does from
you.”

“
Rubbish?”

“
Yes. You, with all your love-confusion, your morals and
beliefs about vampires and killing. It’s not like him to tolerate
so much...emotion. Despite that, he’d have left by now if he was
going to.”

“
So, he needs my blessing before he’ll go?”

Jason
shrugged. “Like I said, you have about two—three months tops. Get
used to the idea that he’s leaving, Ara. It’ll benefit you
both.”

Seems to be a
repeated statement in my life.

“
So? You gonna tell me what happened—why you’re so sad?” He
sat on the rock again and patted his shoulder. “I’m told this is a
pretty good tear-catcher.”

Despite my
hatred for what he did to Emily, a bigger part of me felt so in
need to talk, so in need to discuss all my problems with someone
who had no stake in my heart, figuratively, that I actually
considered it.

Whenever I
talked with Mike or David, they would only ever advise me in the
direction that would lead to me being theirs. Jason was outside of
that; he already knew he’d never have my heart.

The sun warmed the smile of the man who once tried to kill
me, and he rested his arms so casually over his knees that I smiled
back. He looked so human—more than David did when he was
pretending
to be human.
I didn’t feel scared or tense around him like I should, which only
made me more confused. It was like he’d shed a shell, become
somebody new, somebody I could almost see myself being friends
with—maybe even trust.

“
You can trust me, Ara.” He ran his fingers through his hair,
flipping it back as he answered my thought. “I told you, the guy
who hurt you last year is gone, okay, I’m not the same.”

Swallowing my better judgement, I placed my hand in his and
let him hoist me onto the rock beside him, all the while
thinking,
This is crazy. I’m one of those
stupid girls who runs
up
the stairs in a horror movie. I’m the cautionary
tale mothers tell their daughters. I’ve done everything wrong. I
should be running away, not sitting with him.

Petey, just
below my foot, licked my ankle—a voiceless reassurance, I think,
and sat back on his hindquarters, looking up at me. I tugged my
skirt a little further down my legs, lifting each one to rest the
fabric between my skin and the sticky, gristly heat of the
rock.

“
You okay?” Jason said.

“
Yeah, I’m just sure Petey can see up my skirt.”

Petey groaned
and flopped onto the ground, resting his head on his paws, his body
turned to the lake—away from the rock. Jason smiled down at the
space between us—the whole two centimetres. “So, you trust me
now?”

“
I don’t know. I don’t even know what I’m doing here. All I do
know is that I hate you, Jason, but I—”

“
You don’t hate me,” he stated, smiling. “You want to, but you
don’t.”

“
What makes
you
so sure?” I folded my arms, my cheeks burning with a touch of
embarrassment.

“
I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you.” He paused.
“Sorry, that was distasteful, given our past.”

“
Not funny.” I looked sideways at him, but we both broke into
a smile. I knew he said it deliberately, but I was okay with it
because I also knew he was trying to make light of the moment, make
me more comfortable. Dark humour usually did that.

“
So—” He bumped me softly with his elbow, resting both hands
in his lap. “Mike hates you, huh?”

The
anger-filled eyes of my best friend as he shook me, towered over
me, told me never to talk to him again, flashed in my frontal lobes
for Jason to see. I couldn’t help but to let him in. I showed him
everything, breaking to tears as I ran the whole story like a
film.

He looked at
the lake, staying still the whole time, saying nothing until he let
out a breath, turning to me. “Is it okay if I comfort you?”

No! My nose
crinkled. But then again, I don’t know. I drew a breath and nodded,
not really sure why I did it.

“
Now,” he said, as I fell into his arms, “I want you to know
something; Mike’s hurt because he’s tired of losing people he
loves.” Jason’s voice hummed deeply in his chest under my ear.
“When he thought Emily was dead, he lost something—died himself, in
a small way. He pushed you away, because he’s scared of losing you,
too.”

“
I doubt Mike thinks that way. He’s just mad. Solidly
mad.”

“
No, sweet girl, he’s afraid. Fear is the root of anger, don’t
you know?”

“
Do you have psychology degree?” I asked
sarcastically.

“
I—” he said slowly, “Let’s just say I may have been checking
in on things since I bit Emily.”

I rolled my
face up to look at him; he smiled.

“
He doesn’t want to lose you, okay? That’s why he’s so mad at
you.”

“
But now he
has
lost me. He hates me—said he’s leaving.”

“
He won’t leave.” Jason let out a short laugh.

“
How do you know?”

He just
smiled, tracing his thumb over my hairline. “Because he can’t. He’s
yours, Ara—he always will be. Trust me, he won’t leave.”

“
Why did you do that to Emily?” I sat up a little to look at
his eyes. “Jason, you’ve destroyed her life—she can never die,
she’ll never have children—why would you do that?”

“
I can’t expect you to understand.” He pulled his arms from me
and looked into his lap.

“
Do you love her? Is that why?”

“
I—” He sighed, his shoulders dropping heavily. “How is
she?”

“
She’s a freakin’ vampire, Jason. How do you think she is?” I
jumped off the rock and folded my arms, studying the flat surface
of the lake. “Mike won’t talk to her—he said she’s as good as dead
to him, now.” Like I am. I took a breath and let it out in one
quick huff. “She stood up for you, you know?”

“
No. I didn’t know that.”

I turned to
face the rock, jumping internally when I nearly hit his chest
instead.

“
What did she say?” he asked.

“
She said something bad must’ve happened to you—to make you do
what you did to me.”

Jason’s
troubled gaze fixed on the ground beside our feet. He remained
close, trapping me between the edge of the lake and his broad
chest. “For what it’s worth—” He paused, tapping his tongue on the
inside of his cheek. “I loved her, once. And when she came to me
yesterday, I—I never meant to hur—” He stopped talking again,
tilting his head as a broad smile smeared across his lips. “You
blame yourself for what happened to her.”

“
I—” I looked down. “I never had any such thought.”

“
Yes, you did. Just…very deep down.” His mouth fell open a
little. “It wasn’t your fault, Ara.”

“
Yes, it was. I shouldn’t have told her about you. But
worse—”

“
No.” He cupped his thumb to my lip, his warm green eyes
searching mine. “You have to stop this self-defeating behaviour,
girl. There are two people to blame for this, and that’s her—” he
pressed his hand to his chest, “and me.”

“
But—”

“
No.” He slid both hands along my cheeks, resting his thumbs
on my lips; I tugged away and wiped the eerie crawl of his touch
from my skin. “If you think, or say one more thing I don’t like,
Ara, you’re going in the lake.”

“
You wouldn’t,” I challenged.

“
Try me.” He grinned.

I shuffled my
feet; the lake was barely an inch behind my heels; it’d take one
shove and I’d be driving home saturated—again.

“
You know what?” He shook his head softly, his grin spreading
further across his cheeks. “I think I’ll do it anyway.”

“
No!” I squealed, digging my elbow into his chest as he swept
me off the ground and carried me—so close to him—then launched us
both into the refreshingly icy liquid. “Uh, that’s freezing!” I
wiped my palms over my face, pushing the beads of water over the
back of my head.

“
Yes, I know.”

“
Why did you do that?” I screamed at him, splashing water in
his face. “I didn’t do anything to you!”

He chuckled
loudly and grabbed my floundering hands, pinning them to his chest
as he waded closer and looked down at me. The bright sun glared
behind him, making his wet hair glow white on top and the beads of
water, gathered on the ends of his lashes, sparkle. “You needed a
wake-up call, Ara,” he said then released my struggling hands. “Not
everything is your fault, and blaming yourself won’t take the pain
away.”

“
What would you know?” I called as Jason walked to the edge of
the lake, leaving me behind.

“
More than you might think, little girl.”

“
I’m not a little girl.” I splashed my hands in the
water.

“
Then act like a grown-up,” he called back.

“
Screw you.” I folded my arms and turned away.

“
Real mature.” He appeared in front of my face, but it didn’t
startle me this time. “Believe it or not, Ara-Rose, the world is
not out to harm you—and there are a few insignificant people in it
that happen to care for you
and
how you feel.”

I backed away
in unison with each of his advancing steps; “I hope you don’t class
yourself as one of those people?”

He stopped
walking. “See? You already know the truth of that, or you wouldn’t
have asked it.”

“
You assume too much.” I turned away; he grabbed my arm to
stop me.

“
Assumptions are not
my
weakness, Ara.”

“
No, violence is.” I shook his hand off.

“
No—love is.”

Love. Pah!
He stayed put as I walked
out of the water. “If you knew the meaning of love, you wouldn’t
have bitten Emily.”

“
Really.” He stood beside me. “And if you knew what love was,
you wouldn’t have a burning desire to give yourself to
Mike.”

I sank back on
my heels, a mighty huff escaping my lips as I folded my arms.

“
Yeah, that’s right, isn’t it?” he said smugly. “That’s what
all this is really about. Admit it, Ara. You don’t care that
Emily’s a vampire; you don’t even care that I did it—you only care
that Mike hates you and won’t give you what you want from him
now.”

“
What I want from him? Like what?”

“
His love, attention, affection.” He came closer with each
word.

“
What would
you
know about it? You don’t know me; you don’t have any idea
what I want.”

He smiled down
at the water dripping from my skirt. “I’ve been watching you, Ara.
You love him—and you shouldn’t. When you think about him, you get
hot.” He moved closer. “Hot, in places you shouldn’t.”

The air coming
into my throat shook. I shuffled my feet closer together. “That has
nothing to do with you.”

“
But it does.” His breath touched my forehead, warm and
sugary. “Because you get the same heat, the same racing in your
chest, when
I
touch you.”

Feeling small,
I looked up into his eyes, letting him stroke my cheek with the
back of his finger. “I hope you’re not implying that I have
feelings for you,” I managed to say.

“
No,” he said, casting a quick glance over his shoulder. “When
it comes to you, emotions have nothing to do with sex.”

“
Sex?”

“
Not just sex, but...everything leading up to it.”

“
What are you saying?” I placed my hands on my
hips.

“
I’m saying, you like touch—you need it.” He smiled. “You’re
not like other girls, Ara. How you feel in here—” he touched my
chest, “is separate to what you want—” he edged his fingers closer
to my skirt and stopped short, “here.”

My breath
shook as my mind searched for clarity, fighting the images of
desires I wasn’t sure were mine or merely forced upon me by his own
sick needs to make me think I loved him.

“
I’m not making you picture those, Ara, you’re doing that
yourself.”

“
Why?” I asked, aiming my question at him, myself
and
God.

Jason glanced
over his shoulder again. “Will you meet me? Tonight?”

“
What?”

“
Meet me,” he added more hurriedly. “And I’ll tell
you.”

“
Why would I do that?”
Do I look
crazy?

“
No, but you’ll meet me anyway.”

“
Forget it. There’s no way I’m—”

“
I’ll tell you why I bit Emily,” he offered.

“
I don’t care why you bit her. Your reasons don’t give you any
cause to—”

“
Oh, come on, Ara. Of course you care why I bit her. And
you’ll meet me tonight, because you’re intrigued by me. You want to
know if it’s true—that I love you, and if maybe there is some small
part of me that’s still salvageable.”