The Heart's Ashes (12 page)

“
Oh my God.” Emily covered her mouth as her hand came back
down from its impact across my very deserving face.

“
Emily!” Mike swept me into his arms as tears rushed into my
eyes.

“
Ara,” she said through her hands. “I’m—I’m—”

“
Em. I think you need to go and cool off.” Mike stroked his
thumb over the tingling skin on the corner of my lip. “You okay,
baby?”

I looked past
him to Emily, who stared at me, frozen in place, her eyes liquid.
My heart sank. “Emily. I’m sorry.” I pushed out from Mike and
hugged her tight; “I shouldn’t have said that.”

“
But you were right.” She stood back and buried her face in
her hands. “I never got over him either, Ara. And I—”

“
Oh, Em.” I hugged her again.

“
I just. I’m afraid you might end up like me. That you’ll
never move on and you’ll be unhappy and have one heartbreak after
the other—trying to find that thing you had with him.”

“
Why didn’t you just say that?”

“
Because, I—I don’t know.” She wiped her face and looked at
Mike, just for a second, then looked down. “You make me mad. I just
don’t get you, Ara.”

“
What do you mean?”

“
You didn’t fight for David. Now he’s gone, you want him
back.”

“
I told you—I asked him to stay, and he wouldn’t.”

“
Yeah, because you
asked
him. You didn’t fight, and you didn’t fight for
Mike either. Ara.” Emily pointed at Mike. “He didn’t care that you
loved David. He still doesn’t. He’d take you back in a heartbeat.
Why won’t you just marry him?”

“
Come on now, girls—” Mike leaned his back on the bench
between us, “—let’s not talk about me like I’m not here. Emily?” He
looked at her. “You haven’t known Ara as long as I have. She’s as
stubborn as a mule. If she makes up her mind—it’s
final.”

“
But—” Emily said.

“
Uh!” Mike held his finger up. “You need to drop it.
Otherwise, she’ll change her mind out of guilt. And there’s only
one thing worse than a girl marrying you when she’s in love with
someone else, and that’s when she marries you out of
guilt.”

“
But it wouldn’t be guilt—don’t you see? She’s in love with
you, Mike. What is wrong with you two?” She stared at us with wide
eyes, her head moving from side to side.

“
Nothing, Emily.
We’re
normal. You just live in this world of dreams and
fairy-tales, where stories have happy endings,” I stated. “It’s not
real.”

“
Fine. You say that—go ahead, Ara, but
I
believe it.” She pointed to her
chest, leaning forward. “I have to believe it. If I don’t, I’ll end
up like you; withered from the core of the soul, with a tired,
wrinkled old heart and nothing good to show for it.”

Mike’s hand
touched my shoulder while I watched the empty space where Emily
slammed her bedroom door.

“
Ara?” He tried to turn me around.

“
What have you been saying to her, Mike?” My words hiccupped
as the sobs came. “Why does she feel so strongly about
this?”

When Mike said
nothing, I turned around; his head dropped and his shoulders
lifted.

“
Mike, what have you said to her?”

“
Nothing.” He drew a deep breath, masking his frown with a
smile. “Really. I’m fine with this, baby. I told you that. We’re
good. Okay?” He rubbed his hand down my arm.

“
You’re lying,” I said, unable to believe it.

“
Baby, I—I really haven’t said anything to her. She just wants
us both to be happy.”

I shook my head. “No, she wants
you
to be happy.”

Chapter
4

I couldn’t
shake the uneasy feeling that came every time I ignored my phone. I
knew the number well—even though the caller ID function had been
broken for a month and no longer displayed his name—but a part of
me still always wondered if I should answer it, just in case he
might be calling to tell me about...David.

Dear Eric
, I wrote on the pad of
paper lined with watercolour pictures of lilies, then scratched it
out.

Hey, Eric
. Nope, that’s no good
either. God, how can writing a goodbye letter be so
hard?

I stared out
the window at the children playing across the road, and waited for
inspiration to hit me. It didn’t. The fact is, saying goodbye to
Eric for his own good seems so wrong. He’ll think I’m blowing him
off, and I guess, maybe I am.

I picked up my phone and let my finger hover above the green
button until the vibrating stopped and the screen read
missed call
. I didn’t
think he’d ever speak to me again after I messed up our kiss, but
when all his texts went unanswered, he started calling twice every
day. I just don’t know what to say, though. I like Eric, and
regretted not kissing him almost instantly—well, as soon as I
closed my door and was alone again.

“
Argh!” My breath of frustration seemed to carry the pencil I
threw across the room a little further than usual, and when an
opening line for my goodbye letter suddenly came to mind, I
regretted throwing the damn pencil away, too. What is it with me
and wanting things only once they’re gone? I’m not really like that
am I?

“
Hey, baby.” Mike came in and slumped heavily on the lounge
beside me. “What you doing?”

“
Thinkin’.”

“’
Bout?”

I shrugged.
“Stuff.”

“
Stuff, huh?”

“
Yup.”

“
Wanna share?”

I shook my
head, then almost instantly blurted out, “Do you think I have
absence syndrome?”

“
Ab-what-now?” Mike sat forward, resting his elbows on his
knees while I stared straight ahead.

“
Emily says I only want things when they’re not around? Is
that true?”

Mike’s silence
made my shoulders lift around me ears; I looked at him—he was
looking away. “Maybe.”

“
Really? Maybe?”

“
I don’t know, Ar. I’d like to think that’s not the case,
but...”

My mouth fell open around his silence. “Don’t do that. Don’t
say
but
and leave
me hanging. Either there’s a
but
or there’s not.”

Mike stayed
silent.

“
Mike!”

“
Okay. I think...I think you are a bit that way,
baby.”

I threw a
pillow at him. “Mike?”

“
I’m sorry.” He laughed, catching the pillow in his lap. “But
you are a bit like that. I don’t think it’s the reason you don’t
want to get married—to me, but I think you feel insecure about
losing things indefinitely. Like it makes you want to hold onto
them tighter, no matter what it takes—even if it means loving
them...when you don’t really love them.”

“
So...I’m afraid of missing people?”

Mike shrugged
as he said, “Maybe.”

“
Well, isn’t that normal?”

“
Yeah, but I guess with you it’s just...” He looked at me for
a long moment. “Magnified.”

“
Magnified?”

“
I dunno, Ar. Maybe it’s ‘cause you lost your mum. I think
you...you just don’t like missing things. Anything. People
or
objects. I think you
have a too-deep understanding of goodbye. Like, for me, when I get
someone out of my life, I know there’s a chance I’ll always see
them again—distant, but still a chance. I don’t think you have
that. I think you understand and assume finality in all goodbyes,
even when you’re just going to work.” He looked down between his
knees and tapped his thumbs together. “I think you hold on to
people to make sure they won’t disappear forever.”

“
But, then, how do I know if letting go is the right
thing—when it feels so wrong?”

Mike smiled
sideways at me. “Is this about Eric?”

“
What do
you
know about it?”

His smile
became warmer as he looked down at his hands. “Emily told me—about
the non-kiss the other night.”

Argh! How rude
. “Well, she shouldn’t
have.”

“
No,” Mike said, “
you
should have. I’m your best bud, Ara. You can talk
to me.”

“
About guys I want to sleep with.”

Mike went to
speak, but his words seemed to get lodged in his throat. He cleared
it. “Sleep with, huh?”

“
Mike. I’m allowed to want sex.”

“
I know. You just...” He shook his head. My heart broke a
little, remembering how badly he wanted to be my first. “You just
used to say ‘make love to’.”

“
I know. But I’m not a child anymore, Mike.”

He nodded. “Do
you like Eric—in that way?”

I nodded.

“
Do you...do you love him?”

I shook my
head.

“
Do you think you’ll ever love him?”

I
shrugged.

“
Then don’t sleep with him.”

I removed my
comforting hand from his. “Well...should I stay friends with
him?”

Mike stood up. “Only if you want to hurt him
really
badly.”

My lips fell
apart slightly as I watched him walk away.

The presence
of morning entered my room, and weary awareness was suddenly
elevated to completely alert when my foot touched something beside
me. I threw my covers back and launched to the edge of the bed.

“
Amara, kiddo, relax, it’s just me.” Eric grabbed my
arm.

“
What are you doing in here?” I quickly covered my chest with
the sheet.

“
I was watching you sleep. That’s okay, isn’t it?”

“
No, it’s not. Eric, this is crossing the line.” I tried not
to yell, but, before coffee, that was hard.

“
Well, you don’t return my calls.” He shrugged.

“
That’s because I’m trying to get you out of my life.”
Or...
let
you out of my life.

“
Ouch.”

“
It’s for your own good.”

“
What if I like the torment you put me through?”

“
Then you’re sadistic, and I don’t want to hang around someone
who’s into that kind of thing.”

“
Oh, funny first thing in the morning, are we?” He
repositioned himself, resting his interlaced fingers on his crossed
legs. “You getting up or coming back to bed?”

“
Eric. You have to leave.” I rubbed my temple. “Wait, no, you
have to go away—and I don’t mean just hide where I can’t see you—I
mean go away completely.”

Smugness
curled around his smile. “Why, because you want to kiss me?”

A pause
allowed me to control my fury. “Only to get past David. Not because
I like you.”

“
No. You want me; I can see it in your eyes.”

“
Eric.” I rubbed my face firmly. “I’m attracted to you because
you’re a vampire. It’s human nature—but I’ll never let myself love
you. I don’t really even like you.”

“
What if it’s not love I’m after?”

I let out two
long huffs before clicking my tongue, all the while considering his
words. “What exactly are you after?”

He shrugged.
“Companionship. Sex.”

“
Hm.”

“
Come on.” He patted the spot on the bed next to him. “You’ve
got time before work. Let me show you how
real
vampires please a
woman.”

For a second
my mind pictured it; his body and mine, completely meshed together,
the muscles on his arms tightening as he wraps his hands under my
legs and pulls them around his hips. His lips in the curve of my
shoulder, his... “No.” I stole the sheet completely out from under
him to wrap around myself. “I have to get ready for work. And you
need to get out of my bed before Mike walks in and sees you.”

“
Why can’t he see me in here? I thought you didn’t love him
anymore.”

“
Grow up, Eric—you know I love him. I just won’t waste his
life by marrying him.”

“
So what if he sees you with another guy? Shouldn’t
he
be moving
on?”

“
That’s none of your business.”

“
You’re my friend. Of course it’s my business.”

“
No. It’s not. Now get out.”

“
No. I’ll stay.” He folded his arms and watched me move across
the room, then nodded toward the sheet. “I’ve already seen you in
your underwear—you don’t need to hide.”

“
When did you see me in my undies?”

“
Amara, I’ve been watching you for some time. I’ve seen a lot
of things you wouldn’t want me to see.”

My heart
dropped into my stomach. “You butt-wipe. I hate you!” I grabbed a
pillow off the floor and ditched it at his head; he, of course,
caught it and laughed at me.

“
Relax. You’re hot. A little skinny for my tastes, but you
still look good naked.”