The Heart's Ashes (11 page)

I swallowed,
silently cursing the rapid thumping in my chest. “And you think
it’s because I want to do things with you? In private?”

“
I love it when you do that.” He held my gaze.

“
What?”

“
Pretend you don’t want me. It’s very endearing.”

“
I
don’t
want you.”

“
Yes, you do.” He looked to the front again.

“
Well, even if that were true—” And it is, “—I won’t give in
to it. You’re
making
me want you—it’s not fair.”

“
And what do you think
you’re
doing to me?” He shook his head but kept his
smile. “Every time your heart beats or you smooth your tongue
across your lips or uncross your legs...” He shook his head again.
“I’m a guy first, Amara, vampire second. I have needs.”

“
Well.” I reversed down the drive. “You won’t be fulfilling
those needs with me.”

“
We’ll see,” was all he said as the house became smaller in my
rear-view mirror.

Eric played
human really well. We had a pleasant meal together, talked vampire
and Set laws for only the first half-hour, then drifted into
conversations about music and books and world history—from a
firsthand perspective. By the time Eric walked me to my door, I was
completely convinced that he wasn’t the arrogant stalker I’d first
thought he was—and completely hoping my newfound affections
wouldn’t transform into love.

“
I had a good time tonight, Amara.”

I fiddled with
my keys in hand, leaning on the wall beside the front door. “I did
too.”

“
I can see why he fell for you.” He brushed his knuckles
sweetly across my cheek, and though I knew he was talking about
David, the mention of him didn’t stir the heartache in me it
usually did. I simply smiled.

“
Do...do you wanna come in?”

Eric looked at
the door—at the silhouette on the other side of the glass; a grey
shadow in the dark—and shook his head. “I’d like to, but...”

“
Mike’s just making sure I made it home.” I jerked my head to
the silhouette.

“
Something tells me he’s making sure of a few other things,
too.”

I grabbed
Eric’s sleeve as he stood back and went to walk away. “Don’t
go.”

He stepped
back into me, my nose and lips nearly resting on his chin with the
closeness. “I want to stay, but I think what I want, and what you
want from me, might be different things.”

“
What if they weren’t?”

He studied me
with a curious gaze, then slowly and so cautiously cupped his thumb
against my chin and lifted my lips to his. I tensed, pausing, a
breath before they touched, then quickly turned my head.

“
You see?” He dropped his hand to his side. “You don’t want to
do that stuff with me, Amara—you just want a way to get past
David.”

“
No, Eric, wait.” I reached for him, but he jumped the front
gate and disappeared before I had the chance to make it all
better.

The front door
opened and Mike’s smile dropped when he saw my face. “Baby, what
happened?”

“
Nothing.” I pushed past him, slammed my bedroom door and
threw myself on the bed.

A white tissue
flashed in front of my face. “Here.” Emily landed beside me on the
couch.

“
Thanks.” I wiped my nose and eyes.

“
Is it David again?” She sighed, looking at me through
rounded, caramel eyes.

“
Mm-hm.” I continued the task of weeping.

“
Ara, you’ve got to move on from this. I thought you were
going out with Eric now.”

“
I was. I did. I mean...he went to kiss me, and I...and I...”
I blubbered, hiding my shameful face in the tissue. “I’ll never
forget the look in his eye, Em. I didn’t think he was capable of
it, but, I think I hurt him. I think I really hurt him.”

“
Oh, Ara. Not Eric. Why Eric? His girlfriend passed away a few
months ago. It’s taken a lot for him to start dating
again.”

“
Really?” I stopped blubbering.

“
Yes.”

“
Oh, now I feel really bad.” The blubbering burst out
again.

“
So—are you crying because you hurt Eric or—”

“
Because of
why
I hurt Eric. I just can’t do it, Em. I can’t let myself be
with anyone. I feel like I’m cheating David.”

“
Ara. He’s gone—just like when Jason left me. He’s never
coming back. I know it’s harsh, but I had to get over Jason, and
you have to get over David.” She smoothed my hair over my shoulder.
“Come on, if he was worth all the tears, he’d be the one sitting
here with you right now.”

She’s right. I
know that. “But it still hurts, Em,” I said under ragged breaths.
“I mean, he loved me, he said things to me that made me feel so
worthwhile. How can he just leave if all that was true?”

“
Maybe he never really meant it, Ara. Maybe he just told you
what you wanted to hear,” she suggested.

“
But—but it felt so real—it still does. I don’t know what to
believe.”

“
Hey, girls, what’s up?” Mike glided around the corner with
his hands in his pockets, dropping them to his sides when he looked
at me. “Ara, baby, what happened?”

As he knelt
beside me, I turned my head into Emily’s shoulder. I didn’t want
Mike to see me crying—especially not over David.

“
It’s the David thing again,” Emily moaned.

“
David? What David thing?” Mike reached out and slid his
fingers down my arm, then grabbed my hand.

Emily and Mike
went silent for a second, but Emily’s body moved slightly with her
secret sign language. The couch dipped where Mike landed as he
tugged me away from Emily. “Ara, he’s a guy,” he said. “Guy’s do
stuff like this all the time. I know you thought it was real, I
know you thought he loved you—but it’s what he wanted you to think.
It’s a game to them.”

I shook my
head. “You don’t really believe that, do you? You talked to him,
you knew—you saw that he loved me.”

Mike’s
shoulders dropped. “Yeah. I did. I don’t know, baby. I can’t figure
it out either. But you can’t keep wasting your life over this
guy.”

“
How am I possibly wasting it?” I sat up. “Just because I’m
still hurting, and I happen to get caught crying over him every now
and then.”

“
Yes!” Emily leaned forward. “Because you’re just not getting
it, Ara. He’s gone; he doesn’t care.”

“
Emily?” Mike slightly raised his voice, then turned to me.
“Ara?” I kept my eyes down, swallowing the lump Emily’s truth
formed in my throat. “You’ve got to forget about him. I know it
hurts, but you’ve just gotta grieve his absence as if he was dead.
Hey—” Mike held both of my arms, his voice trailing up, “—would it
help if we held a funeral for him?”

“
A funeral?” I said sarcastically.

“
Yeah.” He jumped up and cleared his throat.

“
Mike?” I protested.

“
Em, pass me that rose?”

Emily placed a
flower from the vase behind her into his waiting hand. Not the red
one. Why the red one?

“
Okay.” Mike squared his shoulders and positioned himself in
the centre of the room. “Friends.” He turned his head and winked at
me. “We have gathered here today to mourn the passing of a loved
one.”

“
Mike, this is silly.” I wiped cold tears from my
cheeks.

“
David Knight, beloved boyfriend—arch enemy.” He raised his
brows a few times, smiling. “We farewell the pieces of him which
keep our dear Ara in pain.”

I folded my
arms and slinked down on the lounge.

Mike snapped a petal from the rose and let it fall to the
floor before his feet. “We farewell his
tender kisses
.”

“
Erk, this is so lame,” I said.

He laughed, ignoring me, and dropped another petal to the
floor. “We farewell his
tight
embrace
.”

“
Mike?” I allowed a small smile.

He stood
taller and placed his fist over his heart, completely saturating
the room with melodrama. “We will never again look upon his dreamy,
emerald-gaze.” He looked at me, and I laughed. “Or his smooth,
flowing locks.”

Emily buried
her face, shaking with an overly hysterical cry.

“
This—” Mike threw another petal, “—is for the way he
said
I’ll love you,
forever
.”

“
Mike, stop it,” I said, feeling really awkward.

He raised one
brow. “And this is for the way he held you in his arms—how he made
you feel safe.”

“
Mike?” My protest became weak as the memory of David seeped
into everything around me.

“
This is for the way his eyes lit up when he kissed you.” He
spoke in a deeper, whispery voice as he looked beyond my eyes—to a
place only David knew. “And this is for all the days you spent
together by the lake.”

I stared
through my teary-cloud, totally bewitched. “How did you know all
that?”

Mike threw the
rose in its entirety to the floor, then sat beside me again. “Guys
talk too, Ara.”

“
He told you all that?”

“
Ara. Let him go, baby. You’ve got Em, and you’ve got
me.”

Emily nodded
and took my other hand; I shook my head.

“
Baby, love is only true when it’s reciprocated. But he’s not
here—” Mike looked around, “—I haven’t seen him anywhere. Not when
you’re sad, not when you were recovering—not even on our wedding
day.” Mike smiled then. “Ha, I half expected him to burst into the
church and demand you run away with him. But, Ara?” He waited until
I looked at him. “He didn’t, baby. He’s gone, and you need to let
him go.
I’m
here.
I love you. Don’t you know that?”

I nodded,
fresh tears spilling from my eyes. “But I don’t want to let him go.
I love him—even if he doesn’t love me anymore.”

“
Then how do you think Mike feels,” Emily said, “to feel
exactly the same way about you?”

I looked at
Mike; he frowned at Emily. God, I think in future I’ll just cry in
my room. “I know, Emily. Okay. And I feel bad about that, but—”

“
No! Ara.” She shot to her feet. “You don’t know! You’re just
saying that, but you’re not fooling anyone. You threw away a
perfectly good chance to be happy, God—” she slammed her arms into
her sides, “—Mike would throw himself in front of a
bus
for you. You
rejected him, left him at the altar, and he’s still here—waiting.
For you!” She started out of the room, her voice breaking as she
said, “You’re so damn selfish sometimes.”

“
Emily?” I stood up, too, and followed her to the kitchen.
“Don’t say things like that and then walk off. You need to take
that back.”

“
No!” Emily stopped by the bench and folded her
arms.

“
Take it back!” I stomped my foot.

“
No—it’s true, Ara, all of it.”

“
Why? How does it make me selfish just because I chose not to
marry Mike?”

“
Because you love him, Ara, and he loves you. Don’t you get
it?” She shook her head. “You have everything.
Everything
, and you throw it away.
You want David because David isn’t here; you wanted Mike
when
he
wasn’t
here. Now he is—you don’t care.”

“
That’s not true. I always wanted David. It was never my
choice to let—”

“
You see?” Emily dropped her hands, holding out her palms. “I
just told you how much you’ve hurt Mike, and all you care about is
David. I am so sick of hearing his name, Ara. I swear, if I have to
hear that name one more time—”

“
David,” I spat, my eyes narrowing.

“
Ara. Grow up.”

“
David,” I said again.

“
Ara?” Mike said, leaning his shoulder against the archway,
his arms folded across his chest.

“
David,” I said again, raising my brow.

“
Ara. I’m not playing games.” Emily edged forward slightly.
“Don’t push me.”

“
No, Emily.
You
need to get over it. What’s the big deal if I talk about him
all the time, or cry myself to sleep because he’s not here?
I—”

“
You threw away your fiancé. You don’t eat. You don’t live,
you don’t enjoy life—you don’t run, you can’t watch movies, you
won’t read—Ara, what’s it going to take to get you to be human
again?”

“
David.”

“
Er!” She stomped her foot. “He’s. Not. Coming. Back.” I
tensed when she walked closer and grabbed my shoulders. “Listen
carefully, Ara. David. Is. Gone. Get over him.”

“
Why? Because you got over Jason?”

Emily drew
back internally, her lips falling apart as my words struck her.
“You know nothing about that, Ara.” She very slowly let go of my
arms and turned away.

“
Don’t I, Emily?” I spat her name out and saw Mike, in my
peripheral, rise slightly from the wall, on the edge of a hesitant
step toward us. “I know you never shut up about him. I know you
mention his name, mention
your
heartache every chance you get. And it
far
outweighs my pain,
doesn’t it?” I touched my chest. “I’d know nothing of what
you
suffered, would I?
Because you’re the only one who—Ah!” A sharp sting broke across my
lip, jolting my head to one side as my last words ended in a squeal
of shock.