The Heart of a Girl (2) (19 page)

             
“Why?” He asked, looking up at me with confused eyes.

             
“Sleep with me,” I said, and then blushed. “Literally. I don’t want to be alone tonight. Please.”

             
Wordlessly Nolan stood up and took my hand, leading me into his bedroom.

Chapter 27

             
The rest of the week passed slowly. I thought about Adam and my decision to leave with every passing moment, unsure whether or not I made the right decision. How would it even be possible to tell?

             
If Harper knew something was different, she wasn’t letting on. She slept well in her Pack N Play, probably content that it was located right next to my side of the bed. She experimented more with different baby foods, protested most of them, and continued to play on her blanket with all her toys.

             
Adam still called every day and every day I ignored his calls and texts. I knew that sooner or later he was going to demand to see Harper and I knew I had no right to tell him he couldn’t. I wasn’t going to drag her into the middle of this. As much as Adam had hurt me, I wasn’t going to be Nora. Harper deserved to know her dad and despite his flaws, he had the potential to be a pretty good one.

             
Nolan left Friday afternoon around three, after I’d gotten on his case once again about not telling his parents he was back in town. I’d overheard him on the phone earlier talking to his mom and acting as though he were still in California. I pointed out that the longer he hid the truth, the worse it was going to be for him. Christmas would be here in less than two weeks and he should spend at least part of it with his family. He must have known I was right because he flashed me that crooked grin of his and left.

             
I didn’t know what was going on with us. Things had remained platonic since the first night I’d stayed. We slept in the same bed together every night but that felt more like an attempt at comfort than anything else. Sometimes he looked at me like he wanted to say something but wasn’t sure how. I didn’t even really understand what he felt for me, or why. He told me he thought I was amazing, but I didn’t feel that way and had no idea where he would come up with it. I’d done nothing but make bad decisions for the last year and a half.

             
Sometimes I thought I never should have kissed Adam on that beach in the first place. I was so naïve back then, so vulnerable. I didn’t know him, other than who he appeared to be on the outside. I let him kiss me and then let him take over my mind, body, and soul. I’d given myself to him in a way I never had before and now I just felt burned.

             
The worst part was the not knowing. Would he have still cheated on me if Harper hadn’t been born? Would we have lasted this long if she hadn’t? I knew the answer to the last question and it was a resounding no. If there had never been a Harper, Adam would have gone off to college and despite his best intentions he would have ended things between us. If not, I would have eventually. There was no way we would have made it without something permanent keeping us together. We were too young.

             
But I didn’t regret it. Not Harper, anyway. I could never regret her. I knew that without Adam we had a long road ahead of us, but we’d make it.

             
Mason was the only person I told the truth to, at least as far as where I was living went. I refused to tell him any more and wouldn’t answer the door the time he came over, demanding to talk. He didn’t like that I was living with Nolan but eventually accepted that he didn’t have much of a say about it. He understood why I hadn’t gone to Bella Vista to live with him and my dad. He understood that no matter what it would never be a home. At least here with Nolan, I was wanted. Maybe not in the way I wanted or needed to be, but wanted nonetheless.

             
Hannah and I talked briefly in texts throughout the week, but we kept it simple. She told me about Scott giving his girlfriend Emily a promise ring and I tried not to let that hurt. I was happy for Scott, at least I told myself I was. But although I’d never loved him, I felt jealous. Scott was able to move on with his life. He was able to give a girl a promise ring and change his mind in the future if he wanted. There was nothing more than that ring keeping them together if he decided down the line that he didn’t love her as much as he thought he had.

             
I would occasionally look down at my own hand, at the finger where a ring once sat and feel empty. I wondered what Adam did with it; if he’d kept it in case I came back or if he’d gotten rid of it by now. I had no idea what to expect. It was almost like I didn’t know him at all anymore.

             
The reality of the last few months hit me one of my first nights with Nolan, lying in bed and listening to the steady breathing coming from both sides of me. Adam had changed. He’d been distant. All the signs were there but I’d refused to see them. All I cared about was Harper and taking care of her. Maybe that was a good thing, but not in the sense that I’d ignored the fact that her father was pulling away from me. I hated myself in those moments for not seeing it. For not finding a way to put a stop to it before it got that bad. For not doing whatever I could have to ensure Harper was going to get the family I never had.

             
Through all of this that was what hurt the most. Knowing Harper was going to grow up with her mother and father apart. Maybe someday I’d love someone again, whether it was Nolan or someone new and she’d get a stepfather. But maybe not. I was sure Adam would find someone again, sooner rather than later and I’d have to find ways to hide my pain from Harper. I wasn’t looking forward to that.

             
Mason called half an hour after Nolan left and I answered, not thinking twice about it. “Lainey?” He said, sounding panicked. I was immediately on alert.

             
“What’s wrong?” I asked.

             
“We’re on our way over.”

             
“Who?”

             
“Me and Hannah.”

             
“What? Why?” I’d begged Mason not to tell Hannah I was staying with Nolan or that I’d left Adam. Partially because I knew she had enough going on, dealing with her newfound relationship with her father and estrangement from her mother and partially because I knew she wouldn’t take well to the idea of me shacking up with her ex-boyfriend. As much as she pretended she didn’t care, I knew she missed him. It made me feel terrible, but the situation was beyond my control at this point. At least that’s the way it felt.

             
“It slipped out,” Mason said. “I was talking to Cyn on the phone about it and she overheard. She’s… pissed, to say the least.”

             
I sighed. “Okay, I’ll see you when you get here.” There was nothing I could do about it now. I was just glad Nolan wasn’t around to have to deal with this with me.

             
They got to the apartment in record time. I could tell by the pounding on the door that it was them. I opened it and Hannah nearly fell forward.

             
“WHAT THE HELL,” she shouted at me and I winced. “What’s going on?”

             
Harper began to cry and without a word, Mason went into the bedroom to tend to her. Hannah and I remained in the living room, staring at each other.

             
“I was going to tell you,” I said.

             
“What part? The part where you
left your boyfriend
or the part where you’re living with mine?”

             
“Nolan isn’t your boyfriend,” I pointed out. “And besides, it’s completely innocent.”

             
“Yeah? It doesn’t look like the couch has been slept in recently.”

             
I blushed. Hannah noticed things better than I remembered.

             
“What’s going on?” She demanded. “Why did you leave Adam? And why are you staying here of all places? You could have come back to Bella Vista. There are about eighty-seven vacant rooms.”

             
“I couldn’t,” I said, shaking my head. “I can’t go back there, Hannah. Too many bad memories.”

             
“So you’re making better memories with Nolan?”

             
“It’s not like that,” I insisted. “We’re friends. He’s helped me through all of this.”

             
“I could have helped you through all of it! If you would have let me in! Jeez Lainey, what happened to you? What happened to us?” She was beginning to get upset and I was filled with regret once again.

             
“I’m sorry, Han. I just didn’t want to burden you. You’ve had so much going on…”

             
“I don’t care!” She exclaimed. “Regardless of my mom and Michael’s drama you’re my sister, Lainey. I want to know these things. I want you to burden me. I want to go through it all together, do you understand that?”

             
I nodded and tried to keep myself from tearing up. Hannah embraced me and I felt relieved. She didn’t hate me for staying with Nolan. I knew she was still mad; her eyes couldn’t really hide that, but she didn’t hate me.

             
“What happened?” She asked and I shook my head, wanting to calm myself down before I told her everything. I took a deep breath.

             
“I left because he cheated on me,” I said. Hannah’s jaw dropped to the ground.

             
“WHAT?”

             
“He cheated on me,” I repeated and it was the first time I’d spoken those words all week. They still felt foreign like it wasn’t actually possible for Adam, my Adam, to do those things. It still felt that way so much of the time.

             
“With who?” She demanded. “If you say Maggie, I swear –”

             
“It wasn’t Maggie,” I said quickly. “I think she learned her lesson after you punched her in the face and then stole her boyfriend. It was Natalie.”

             
“The girl he…”

             
I nodded before she could finish her sentence. I didn’t want to hear it again. I didn’t want to remember their past. I hadn’t lived it and it still haunted me every day.

             
I didn’t realize Mason was standing in the doorway to the bedroom, listening to the entire thing. Suddenly he was practically charging at us, putting Harper in Hannah’s arms before either of us could react.

             
“Mason?” I asked, but it was pointless. Without a glance in my direction he walked out of the apartment, slamming the door behind him. I winced.

             
“Whoops,” Hannah said, shooting me a sympathetic glance. “I’m taking it he didn’t know?”

             
I shook my head. “No, and for good reason. He already doesn’t like Adam.”

             
“He hates him, actually. I overheard him telling Cyn that.”

             
“That doesn’t make feel better.”

             
Hannah shrugged. “The truth hurts, isn’t that what they say? Well it looks like I just lost my ride home, so we might as well get comfortable until he or Nolan gets back.” She made a face. “This should be interesting.”

             
We played with Harper until Nolan walked through the door fifteen minutes later. “I chickened out,” he announced and stopped short when he noticed I wasn’t alone. “Hannah.”

             
“Hey, Nolan,” she said casually, keeping her eyes on Harper. “What’s up?”

             
“Nothing. What are you doing here? It’s been a long time.”

             
“You’re telling me.” She glanced up at him finally and flashed him a smile that could only be described as seductive. Nolan opened his mouth but nothing came out. Judging by the look in his eyes, I didn’t have to worry about any more night time make out sessions on the couch.

             
“We have to go,” I announced, standing up. Nolan’s eyes fluttered over to me and he frowned.

             
“Go where? What’s wrong?”

             
“The guest house,” I said. “Mason found out what happened and I think he may just kill Adam.”

             
“Oh God,” Nolan groaned.

             
“My thoughts exactly,” I said, grabbing my coat as Hannah began putting Harper’s on. Nolan turned back around and led the way outside.

Chapter 28

             
The ride to the guest house was quiet and tense. I sat in the front next to Nolan, with Hannah in the backseat with Harper. I could tell Nolan was a little unsettled by Hannah’s appearance and wondered if he’d expected to not have to see her again. I knew his feelings for her were still largely unresolved and I didn’t know how I felt about that.

             
But I was being selfish. I couldn’t be with Nolan. Not in a way that would be fair to him, anyway. A part of me, too big a part, would always belong to Adam. Nolan deserved someone who could give him everything and nothing less. And in that moment I realized whatever Nolan and I had shared was never going to go beyond that night almost a week ago. The romantic side to our relationship has ceased the moment it began.

             
We got to the guest house and I was both relieved and worried to see Mason’s car parked there. Hannah unbuckled Harper from the car seat and got out first. Nolan and I stayed in the car and exchanged glances.

             
“Are you okay?” I asked softly, placing my hand on his arm. He smiled faintly.

             
“Shouldn’t I be the one asking you that?”

             
“Maybe, but I know seeing Hannah again must have been a shock.”

             
“I’ll survive,” he said and without another word got out of the car. I had no choice but to follow him.

             
It was eerily silent when we reached the door. I pulled my keys out, but it was unnecessary. The door was unlocked.

             
We stepped in and there was no blood. A good sign. I noticed Adam immediately, sitting at the kitchen table, his head in his hands. He glanced up when he heard the door open and his face grew even paler when he noticed me standing there. His eyes were bloodshot and puffy. I resisted the urge to go comfort him. He’d brought this all on himself; I had to keep reminding myself that.

             
“Harper,” he whispered, smiling softly at the sight of his daughter. Hannah glared at him and held onto her niece tightly. I stood frozen to the spot. Where was Mason?

             
He emerged from the back room, bag in hand. “I grabbed you more stuff,” he announced, as if he’d been expecting to find us there. “We’ll come get Harper’s crib and everything later. It’s not going to fit in my car.”

             
“I…” I started to say but had no idea what words should follow. I hadn’t intended on moving Harper’s stuff out, I realized. A part of me held onto hope that coming back would still be an option.

             
“Wanna take a ride, Hannah?” Nolan asked suddenly. I looked at him, surprised. Hannah’s eyebrows were raised.

             
“I guess,” she said slowly. “Want Harper?” She asked, turning to me.

             
“Let’s bring her,” Nolan cut in. “She likes car rides.” Shooting Adam one last glance, he put his arm around Hannah and led her out the door. Mason watched them go, frowning.

             
“I’ll be right outside the door,” he announced. “Don’t you dare try anything.” He shot Adam a warning look that was enough to make my blood run cold.

             
He closed the door behind us, leaving us alone. Adam stared at me hesitantly and after a few seconds I walked over to him. I didn’t make a move to sit, so he stood up.

             
“I’m -” he started, but I shook my head.

             
“Don’t,” I said. “Stop apologizing. No apology is going to make it okay.”

             
“I know,” he admitted.

             
“You look horrible,” I told him.

             
“I know I do. I feel horrible. I miss you and Harper so much.”

             
“We miss you too,” I admitted. Almost as if on cue, my heart began to ache with how much I really did miss him. But it was the old Adam I missed, the boy who would do anything for me and nothing to hurt me.

             
“Are you and Nolan…?”

             
“No,” I said, shaking my head. “We’re just friends. We’re only ever going to be friends.” I ignored the pang in my heart as I said that, realizing that deep down I’d been hoping it wouldn’t be true. But there was no other way. Whoever we were now didn’t change who we had been before. I was always going to be the mother of Adam’s daughter and he was always going to be Hannah’s first love. We couldn’t escape that past and it meant not having a future the way we might have wanted otherwise.

             
“Does that mean…” Adam didn’t seem capable of finishing sentences today but I supposed I couldn’t really blame him for that.

             
“It doesn’t mean anything, Adam. I can’t forget about what you did and the way you hid it from me. That’s almost worse.” I thought about the times I’d run into Natalie and considered telling him about it. But what good would that do? It didn’t matter, like Nolan had said. It was wrong for Natalie to recognize me and talk to me the way she had, like we really were just strangers running into each other in town, but it was over. I couldn’t hold a grudge like that forever. It wasn’t fair to me and even more, it wasn’t fair to Harper.

             
Nora kept David away because he’d hurt her and she’d wanted to hurt him in return by using Hannah. I would never do that. Harper would always know her father and she’d always know how much he loved her, how much he’d give up for her. She didn’t need to know all the details. Someday I’d tell her that we weren’t together because we were too young and couldn’t make it work. I’d let Adam decide if he wanted to tell her the truth, that he’d cheated and that was why I left. It wasn’t going to be my call.

             
We stood there awkwardly in the kitchen that used to be ours and finally I stepped a little closer to him, wrapping my arms around his torso and placing my cheek against his chest. He stood rigid for a minute before wrapping his arms around me and burying his face in my hair.

             
I ignored the tingly sensation that travelled from my body when he touched me. I ignored how great it felt to be back in his arms again. Of course I would feel this way; this was Adam. The first person I’d ever really loved. The first person besides Hannah that had climbed over the wall I’d built around myself and won me over. He’d given me the person I loved most in the entire world. I’d always feel this way when he held me, regardless of where life took us and who we became in the future.

             
“I think you should come back,” he said after I began to pull away from him. “I talked to my parents. They think it’s best if I move back into my old bedroom for a while, let you have this place until we figure everything out.”

             
“There’s nothing to figure out,” I said. “I’m going to stay with Nolan until I decide whether or not go move back to Bella Vista.”

             
“Lainey, no. Don’t stay with Nolan. Please.”

             
“Why?” I asked, feeling my frustration bubble up. “He’s been incredibly great throughout this, Adam. And he likes having me there.”

             
“Please don’t do this,” he pleaded, but I was done listening to him. All of the compassion I’d felt when I noticed what a wreck Adam was becoming started to fade. It had been okay for him to go out and cheat on me with his ex-girlfriend, who knows how many times over the span of two months, but it wasn’t okay for me to live with his best friend, even though things were platonic and remaining so.

I felt the guilt resurface when I thought of that night with Nolan, but shook my head as though trying to erase them from memory. That was a different situation. We were already broken up, and I stopped it before it went any further.

              “I’m not doing anything,” I said softly. “You made your decision. I have to go.”

             
“Please don’t,” he begged. “We need to talk about this, Lainey. I know I screwed up. I know I haven’t been there for you and I haven’t been the greatest father to Harper. But we can’t just end it all, not like this. Not now.”

             
“I’m sorry,” I whispered, and I was. My feelings for Adam were so mixed, but I knew it was over. I could forgive him for what he did in time. But I could never forget. And with everything else going on, I just couldn’t fathom the strains this would put on our relationship if we tried to continue. Every time he left the house, I’d wonder if he was really going where he said he was. I’d never be able to trust him again, not fully. Maybe someone else, someone stronger could. But I’d been burned too many times by people I loved. Once you lost my trust, there was no getting it back. I didn’t like that about myself but I felt unable or unwilling to change.

             
I reached up and touched his face gently. He hadn’t shaved in a few days and there was a substantial amount of stubble lining his jaw. He closed his eyes as my fingers grace his skin and I made sure I was gone before he opened them again.

             
I left the guest house and found Mason standing at the door, arms over his chest and shivering. It was cold for mid-December and he hadn’t grabbed his jacket on the way out the door at Nolan’s apartment. I wrapped my arm around him and leaned against him, offering what body heat I could.

             
“Why didn’t you tell me?” He asked after a few minutes.

             
“I knew you’d kill him.”

             
“But I didn’t,” he pointed out. “I made him cry, though.”

             
“You don’t sound proud.”

             
He sighed. “I wish I was. If there were anyone that deserved to cry like a baby, it’s him. When I first met him, I really thought it was all going to be okay and then this… I’m sorry, Lainey. You deserve better.”

             
“Maybe,” I said, thinking back to the beginning of my relationship with Adam, how much we used to laugh and talk. I remembered our beach, long since abandoned. We hadn’t been there once since Harper was born.

             
I rested against my brother in the cold and allowed myself to mourn for the loss. Harper was never going to experience us as a couple. She wasn’t going to grow up knowing that her mother and father had met when they were so young and got in over their heads but had her and loved her and loved each other.

I’d thought so many times how I’d tell her that story.  How I’d make sure she knew that even though she was an accident she’d never been a mistake. I wanted her to know that her father and I remained together because our love and our relationship was that strong and I’d wanted her to try and aspire to that in her own relationships. Now that was all gone. Like so many other kids born into the same situation, she’d grow up with parents that weren’t together anymore, no longer in love. I worried more than anything that she’d blame herself.

              When it became clear Adam wasn’t coming outside in search of me I texted Hannah to let her know to meet us back at Nolan’s apartment. Mason and I headed to his car, arm in arm.