The Headspace Guide To … A Mindful Pregnancy (17 page)

Of course, the truth is that come the due day, you never know how you’re going to feel. But the most important thing is that you set out with the best approach and intention. When you think about it, what more can you really do? You cannot know how nature will unfold, but if you approach this moment in the same way we have discussed throughout this book – with a mind that is intent on being present, open, soft, kind and gentle – then you are doing everything right. It doesn’t matter if your ability to hold that awareness comes and goes, which it will. The important thing is intention – setting off in the right direction and resetting course when necessary.

If you could choose the very first word your child hears upon entering the world, what would it be? ‘Love’, perhaps? And if you could choose the very first emotion it comes into contact with, what would that be? Joy, maybe? You’d think so, right? But I cannot tell you how many stories I’ve heard in researching this book where the partners have argued through the delivery, where the mother has punched the father in anger and where the language was so blue that had the scene been showing at a local cinema, it would barely have scraped through with an 18 certificate. ‘She just kept hitting me and calling me an effing bastard! I thought she
wanted
to have children,’ was one man’s experience. Or there was the mother who admitted: ‘I was screaming to get that effing thing out of me.’

Of course, the backdrop to childbirth is usually one of unconditional love, and this is first and foremost. And yes, you have every right to turn the air blue as you lie there half-naked, in a room full of strangers, legs akimbo, while trying to push a watermelon through the eye of a needle. But with all this said, given the
choice
, would you rather welcome your child into an atmosphere of happiness and joy or anger and resentment?

The delivery room especially is an intense arena, loaded with emotions that may well have simmered over many months, perhaps even a lifetime. Plus, there’s the pain. The need to vent, curse, eff and blind is not only normal, but entirely understandable. But it probably doesn’t reflect the quality of mind you would want to embrace in one of the most delicate and precious moments of your entire lifetime. Try to think about what your intention will be as you approach the birth. Is it to focus every last ounce of love and happiness you have ever experienced on to your baby, with the support of your partner? Is it to push with the intention of hastening the journey and thereby reducing the pain and discomfort to the child? These may sound like fanciful ideas, but some women choose this as their intention. At times they may lose their way, but because it’s an intention, and one shared with the partner, it’s always there to come back to, at any time during the birth.

The idea of a kind mind extends to you as well. How often are you self-critical? How often do you beat yourself up or give yourself a hard time? Do you really think this environment is going to be so different? Many women I’ve spoken to say that self-directed thoughts such as,
Why didn’t you do this? …
or
You should have done that
… or
Typical, look what you did again
… were frequent visitors after childbirth, or even during the event itself – as if it were not difficult enough.

While we may not be able to just turn off the self-berating tap, we can consciously choose to go into this experience with the intention to be kind to ourselves; we can consciously choose to notice when the mind is drifting into negative self-chatter or judgement, then gently return to the breath; and we can consciously choose to celebrate our part in one of nature’s most miraculous displays.

Treat you own mind as if it is the mind of someone you love. How would you speak to them in a difficult situation? How would you comfort
them
if they were feeling tired, angry, sad, frustrated or in great pain? We would never, ever speak to others the way we speak to ourselves at times, so now is the time to let go of that tendency, to treat your head right, to show it some love and let go of all the pent-up chatter. So no matter what, be kind to your mind.

As one of my friends said shortly after the birth of his baby girl, ‘Mate, I have no idea what just happened; all I know is that there was a hell of a lot of puffing and panting going on in there!’ Not the most poetic description of childbirth but none the less, it quite accurately describes the experience of many fathers and birth partners. It also brings our attention to the breath – the anchor for our awareness, the oxygen supply for our baby and the vehicle through which we can help ease the process of delivery.

The breath is fascinating. As we established earlier, it’s the bridge which connects body and mind. No matter where we are in life, barring any physiological abnormalities or respiratory conditions, the breath will often show us how our mind is behaving – almost like a barometer. It also has the advantage of always being with us. Some traditions, such as yoga, even encourage a certain
type
or
rhythm
of breathing to help facilitate change in the body and mind. Mindfulness tends to be a little more passive, still using the breath as a point of focus, but never really forcing it in any way.

We already know that when we exhale we let go, so the more we focus on breathing out, generally speaking, the more at ease the mind will feel. In fact, if you think back to the once popular Lamaze technique – taught in antenatal classes around the world – that, too, encouraged greater exhalation, even if it was in a rather more dramatic fashion. But when we get scared, or tense, we tend to breathe in – to hold our breath. On a psychological level, this has the effect of agitating the mind and heightening emotion. On a physiological level, it reduces the supply of oxygen for both mother and baby, creating more lactic acid in the blood, leading to cramping. But it also creates an environment in which the body is simply unable to release or let go – the very thing you need it to do when in labour. Thankfully, even if you don’t get it right, the body will override this tendency eventually, but far better to reach that point gently, with intention.

Typically, meditation done to support the practice of mindfulness encourages the use of the breath as the primary object of focus. It does not seek to change the breath in any way, but simply asks us to follow the body’s natural rhythm. However, in the case of extreme physical exertion, it is a lot to ask of anyone to ‘simply be present with the natural rhythm of the breath’. So, during childbirth I usually recommend that you use the breath as a vehicle to focus the mind, but that you do so in a slightly more proactive way. The breathing is conscious, intentional, but in no way forced. Which brings me to a certain technique that many mothers have found helpful …

It can sometimes be difficult to imagine how a meditation technique taught to celibate monks and nuns, high up in the Himalayas, could ever be applicable to childbirth, but stay with me here. Let’s once again look at the facts we are presented with: you are pregnant, and the baby is coming; it is probably going to hurt – quite a lot; outside of medical intervention, there is nothing we can do to speed up or change the outcome; it is, for all intents and purposes, out of our control. With this being so, how do we provide a framework within that truth, which allows you to transform the experience from a negative to a positive one?

Back when I was a monk we spent quite a bit of time looking at the dynamics of the mind. There was one clear pattern which pretty much everyone seemed to experience: as human beings we like the good stuff and don’t like the bad stuff. Whether internal or external, person, place, object, sensation, thought or emotion – if we perceive something as ‘good’ we want to hold on, or try to increase it in some way; in contrast, if we perceive it as ‘bad’, we want to get rid of it, or have less of it. This may sound like nothing but common sense and of little use at all, but it represents an opportunity.

After a lifetime of thinking this way, the mind becomes very attached to this pattern. Consequently, it is the cause for much, if not all, of our suffering. Remember, as long as there is resistance (and even holding on is a form of resistance), there can be no room for acceptance. So, what happens when we flip things around – when we turn that idea on its head? The exercise I’m about to introduce asks you to do just that, and the results are often astonishing.

Imagine for a moment a close friend, someone you love, looking happy and well. How does that make you feel? Hopefully quite nice. OK, now send them a little more love and imagine them looking even happier as a result, maybe even laughing. How do you feel now? Hopefully still pretty nice, but is the feeling of pleasure more or less than the first time? For most people, it will be even greater. From the perspective of the ego-driven mind, even though we have
given away
more happiness or love, it seems to have boosted our balance. But what about if we try it the other way round – what if we offer to take on the difficulty or suffering from someone instead?

This time, imagine another close friend or family member – again, someone you love and care for very much. Now, imagine you had the ability to take their pain away, almost taking it on yourself. It’s not that you will then feel as lousy as them, in some great act of martyrdom; but as an idea, how do you feel when you imagine taking on their difficulties? Now imagine taking on all their difficulties, so they are left with nothing but happiness. How does that feel? For most people, while the concept of the exercise is challenging and it may at times bring up a sense of fear, the feeling is one of contentment or empathy.

So, how can this apply to childbirth? Well, the idea is that you keep working with the above exercise, and the one given at the back of the book on pp. 207–210, from the start of the third tremester, and then apply it during delivery. (It can also prove useful during any time of discomfort, such as morning sickness and pelvic pain.) Certainly, during the delivery, if you can work with the idea of sending the baby every possible positive thought or emotion you have ever felt – basically as much love and kindness as you can – while at the same time imagine taking away any pain the baby might be experiencing, then you are starting to loosen the shackles of tension. And then if you do experience pain, you envisage that it is simply the pain you are taking on from the baby, which helps you to feel good about it. This may sound a little contrived, but it works. And the more often you are able to practise the technique before childbirth, the more natural it will feel and the more confident you will be in its application. We can’t do anything to stop the pain, so you might as well, at the very least, use it as an opportunity to transform the mind and enhance your relationship with the baby. More than that, you can actually turn this entire event into an act of compassion, rather than one of torture. It sounds counterintuitive as an idea, and I was pretty sceptical too when I first learned about this technique, but, much to my surprise, it worked. And it has worked for many, many mothers in childbirth. Like all meditation techniques, it requires a little practice, as I’ve said, but with time, it provides the means for a profound shift in perspective and the ultimate mindful pregnancy … and delivery.