The Harder I Fall (18 page)

“That makes no sense; you seemed great together when I saw you guys.”

“It’s not that simple.”

“It never is, right?” he said. “Come on, let’s go get something to eat with Ruth. I'm sure she’s dying to tell you about the new project she’s doing in the house.” He grinned and slung his arm around my shoulders.

Levi walked away as soon as he saw us coming. Part of me was grateful, but the other part of me wished he would have stayed. I was a glutton for punishment.

“You ready to eat?” Ruth asked.

She took us out for burgers and fries, and it was absolutely perfect. She peppered me with questions while we ate. “Tell me about what’s been going on with you. How’s school?”

“Not a lot. Just studying like crazy, and working. Kind of boring.”

When Chad got up to go to the bathroom, she put her hand on mine. “I know this has been a rough patch for you. I don't know what happened between you and Levi, but know that I’m not taking sides on it.”

I sighed. I had known this talk was coming. “It wasn’t his fault; it was mine. I couldn't be what he needed.”

“When you’re young, things always seem worse than they really are. I’m sure, with time, you will figure it out together.”

“He’s moved on, Ruth.” I looked away.

“Oh.” I could tell she hadn’t known about
her
. “I didn’t know.”

“It’s fine. I’m doing my best to move on from it.”

“These things take time,” she said.

“I know. Well, I don't really, but I’m learning that they do.”

“I’m here if you need me.”

“Thanks, but it’s a little weird, don't you think? Talking about all of this with you.”

“No, I don’t think it’s weird. It’s not as though Levi is telling me anything.” She frowned, and I could tell she was referring to him moving on with someone else. Chad came back before I could respond, which was just as well. I didn’t want to talk about it anymore.

We talked about Ruth’s new project at the house. She was planting a garden out back. “I’m trying to decide if we should get a new greenhouse or renovate the one that’s already there.” She pursed her lips.

“I don’t think I saw the one that was there.”

“Oh, it used to be so nice, but it’s in sad shape now. The boys used to love going in there when they were all little.” She smiled wistfully.

When they dropped me off, Chad hugged me like he was never going to see me again. “You’ll call me?” he asked.

I instantly felt guilty. I had let my own crap get in the way of my relationship with Chad. “Of course I’ll call you. Be good, okay?”

Ruth hugged me tight. “Don’t be a stranger.” She kissed both of my cheeks and joined Chad in the car. I waved as they drove away.

I went inside, and I didn’t cry myself to sleep, for the first time in over a month.

“
B
ECCA, WAKE UP!
B
ECCA!”
S
OMEONE
was shaking me awake. I opened my eyes to find Ruth standing over me. It had been about a month since I’d last seen her, and I was more than a little surprised to find her in my dorm room in the middle of the night.

“Ruth?”

“Honey, something’s happened.” She sat on the edge of my bed.

My heart dropped. “Chad?”

“No, not Chad.” She hesitated for a moment. “I don’t know how to say this, your mom died late last night.”

“What?” I asked.

“Becca?” Sadie sat up in her bed. Mel was standing in the doorway, a concerned look on her face.

“Go back to bed, Sadie. Everything’s fine.” I got out of bed.

“The hell it is. I just heard Ruth tell you your mom is dead. That is the opposite of fine.” She hopped out of bed and flipped the light on, concern painted on her face.

“Ruth, what happened? Do you know?” I asked, feeling numb. I should have been crying. I had just been told my mom was dead; a normal person would cry. I didn't feel anything at all, though.

“I’m not really sure,” she said. “The police called us, since we’re Chad’s legal guardians.”

“Why didn’t they call me?” I asked.

“The officer I spoke with told me he didn’t have a number listed for you.”

“Did you tell Chad yet?”

She shook her head. “I thought I should tell you first, and we could decide the plan of action from there. Are you okay?”

I nodded. “I need to get dressed, and to make arrangements for us to go home.” I raked my hair into a messy bun as I grabbed some clothes.

“I’m coming with you,” Sadie announced, already grabbing some luggage from the closet and filling both bags with clothes from our closet.

“You don’t have to.”

“Becca, I’m coming. Your mom just died. Whether you had a good relationship or not, this is going to be a lot to deal with.”

I nodded and turned back to Ruth. “Can we drive into New York with you?”

“Of course. I already called the airport and told them to get the plane ready. I’ll be going with you as well.” She put her hand on my shoulder before leaving me to change.

“Thank you,” I whispered to Sadie.

“Oh, honey, you never have to thank me. I love you and I’m here for you.” She came around the bed and pulled me into a hug. “It’s okay to cry.”

I shook my head. “No, she doesn’t deserve my tears.”

How am I going to tell Chad?
I knew he would feel guilty that he didn’t run to her when she called him a while ago. My heart broke for him; this would be rough for him. Mel sent us off with fierce hugs and made us promise to call if we needed her.

Thirty minutes later, we were in the back of Ruth’s limo. She was busy on her phone, making hotel arrangements for all of us. The drive flew by way too fast. I still didn't know what I was going to say to Chad. It was just after 3:00 am, and the house was mostly silent when we arrived. Ruth and Sadie waited for me downstairs.

When I opened his door, Chad was faced away from me. I could see his chest rising and falling. He looked so peaceful; I hated to wake him up with this news.

“Chad.” I gently shook him. “Wake up.”

“Becca?” He opened his eyes slowly. “What’s going on? Why are you here in the middle of the night?”

“Chad…” I didn’t know how to start. “Something happened to Mom.” He sat up. “I’m not sure how it happened yet, but she died last night.”

“Mom’s dead?” He looked like he was in shock.

“I’m so sorry.” I pulled him against me and held him.

He was crying silent tears, his whole body shaking as I held him. “I should have gone home when she asked me to. Maybe this wouldn’t have happened. I've been so happy here, and she was all alone. She had no one.” He looked up at me, his cheeks stained with tears.

“Don’t do that. You are not to blame for her being alone. If she had taken care of us like a mom should, she wouldn’t have been by herself. You are not to blame for what happened to her.”

“She loved us; in her own way, she loved us,” he sobbed.

I knew he needed to believe that, so I didn’t say anything else. I just held him while he poured it all out. I took him downstairs to get some coffee in him, and Ruth went up and got him packed to leave. Sadie was in the kitchen; she already had two mugs set out for us. She handed one to Chad with a small smile.

We left an hour later. I fell asleep almost instantly after I made sure Chad was settled.

“There’s my pretty girls. All dressed up for Christmas. You both are little angels.” My mom stood back and looked at her handiwork. We were going to the Christmas parade, and Frannie and I were so excited. She had dressed us up in matching red dresses.

“Mommy, will you braid my hair? I want to be pretty like you,” I asked, climbing up in her arms.

“Of course I will. You want to look pretty for your Daddy, right?” She set me back in the chair I had been sitting in and started braiding. I wanted to be pretty, just like Mommy.

“I love you, baby girl.” She hugged me tight

“What about me?” Frannie asked in her small voice.

“Of course I love you, Frannie, with all my heart.”

I woke up with tears streaming down my cheeks. It hadn’t always been bad; I don’t remember what happened to change everything. Something in her shifted, though. Where there was once love, only hate and indifference remained.

Why didn’t you love me?
I asked the mom in my head. I wondered if there was supposed to be this release of emotion now that she was gone. I had spent the better part of my life hating her, and now she was gone and there was no chance of us ever being anything but what we were.

Ruth came and sat with me. “How are you holding up?”

“I don’t know how I’m supposed to be feeling. I’ve hated her for so long for all the crap she put us through. Should I be sad that she’s gone?”

“You feel anything you want to, Becca. You didn’t have parents like most people did. For the most part, you were the parent.”

“I just had a dream about her, from when Frannie and I were little. She was getting us dressed up for the Christmas parade our town always has. She told me how much she loved me. She did love us once. I just don’t know why she stopped.” I felt the tears leak down my face, but I didn’t wipe them away.

“Alcohol is a dangerous thing, and so are drugs. They can ruin you, make you into a different person. I know that’s not an excuse for the way she treated you, but it might help you understand her better.”

“I don’t want to understand her better. I don’t want to feel anything for her,” I sobbed.

“I’m sorry you have to go through yet another awful thing because of her.” Ruth held me while I unleashed everything I had been holding in.

We landed and went straight to the hotel. I needed more sleep before I could face the police. Chad and Ruth stayed in a room together, and Sadie bunked with me. As much as I wanted to believe that I didn’t need anyone to help me, I was happy to have her around. Her unwavering support and love gave me the strength that I needed to see all of this through.

She was on the phone with Julian when I came back in the room. “Yeah, we just got here. I’ll call you when we figure everything out, okay?” She paused. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.” She paused again. “Because, Julian, she doesn’t need that right now. Trust me when I say I know what’s best, okay? I’ll call you tomorrow. I love you.” She hung up and threw her phone on the bed. “Sorry, that was Julian.”

“I figured. What isn’t a good idea?”

“Leave it. Trust me when I say it’s not a good idea, okay?”

I was too tired to press her for more information. I just nodded and flopped onto the bed. I hoped that when I woke up, this would all be over.

My dreams were chaotic; nothing made sense. Frannie was running, and I was trying to catch her, but I couldn’t quite get her hand. Every time I got close, she would slip away.

I
OPENED MY EYES, AND
for a second, I didn't know where I was. I heard voices outside and turned toward the window. A moment later, Sadie came in the room, followed by Ruth.

“What’s going on?” I sat up.

“The police called this morning and want you to come down to ID the body and answer some questions.” Ruth frowned.

“Okay, let me get dressed and I can go.”

“Do you want me to come with you?” she asked.

“No, stay with Chad. He’s going to need you now.”

“Well, I’m going then.” Sadie left no room for argument.

I nodded and dug around in the suitcase she had packed for something to wear. What did one wear to identify her mom’s body? I settled on jeans and a black long-sleeved shirt.

The hotel was within walking distance of the police station, so Sadie and I walked instead of driving. “Are you ready for this?” she asked, linking her fingers with mine as we walked.

“I don’t know. I guess we’ll find out.” I squeezed her hand as we walked through the glass door of the police station.

“Hi, I’m Becca Langer. I was told I needed to come in and answer some questions.”

“Have a seat, please.” The woman behind the counter looked at me with sad eyes and gestured to the row of plastic chairs against the far wall.

“You can do this,” Sadie whispered to me.

I smiled weakly, suddenly really nervous.

“Miss Langer? I’m Detective Sheen.” He was tall and broad shouldered with salt and pepper hair and a bristly mustache..

“Yes, that’s me. This is my friend.” I gestured to Sadie.

“If you both would come back with me.”

I nodded and we followed him back through the rows of desks to a small room I assumed they used for interrogations and interviews. “Have a seat,” he said.

“Can you tell me how it happened?” I asked softly.

“She passed out in her car in the garage while the motor was running. The carbon monoxide was what did it. She was gone within an hour. A neighbor of hers found her.”

I didn’t know what to say, or what I had expected him to say. As much as I’d hated her, it made me sad that she had died alone.