The Guide to Getting It On (12 page)

A factor that can influence a woman’s sexual thoughts more than men’s is if she feels discomfort about her sexuality or if she worries that others will think badly of her for being interested in sex. If that’s the case, she’ll be less likely to have sexual thoughts, or less likely to admit to others that she has sexual thoughts.

The Vicissitudes of Mercy Sex — Making a Man Come Sooner

Let’s say you are getting your man off as an act of kindness and aren’t particularly into it, or you really need a good night’s sleep but won’t be able to get one until your guy’s glands have sneezed. Here are a few suggestions that might be helpful in making a man come sooner. The latter suggestions, which deal with increasing his level of mental excitement, will likely be more effective, but they might be more taxing on you if you are not particularly into it.

• Tighten the Foreskin:
  Pulling the foreskin taut around the base of the penis can cause a man to feel more sensation when his penis is stimulated.
  
• Focus on the Frenulum:
  The frenulum is the most sensitive part of the penis. It’s just below the head of the penis, on the side where the seam runs up the shaft. During oral sex, you might focus on this area. If doing him by hand, make sure that your fingers run over this part of the penis with a fair amount of pressure during each stroke. Pumping too quickly may numb out the penis and be counterproductive. Also, using a well-lubricated hand rather than masturbating him dry might help to speed up his ejaculation.
  
• Visuals:
  If the man is turned on by your naked body, for heaven’s sake, crank up the lights and park the parts he enjoys most in full view. If there’s a particular bra that gets him going, wear it during the sex.
  
• Adding a Squeeze or Twist:
  Try giving a well-lubricated hand job where your entire hand wraps around the penis and twists up and down it as though it were following the red stripe on a barber’s pole. Try a similar twisting motion with your head during oral sex. Just a slight turn of the neck is all that’s needed, nothing to give you whiplash. At the same time, work the area between his testicles with one of your hands.
  
• Play with Yourself:
  Never hesitate to play with your nipples or vulva. Some men will be so turned on by watching you play with yourself that they will begin to masturbate and finish themselves off with their own hand.
  
• Pleasure Toggles:
  Some men have a spot along the part of the penis that is buried beneath their testicles or all the way back to the rim of their anus which deepens the degree of sensation when pressed upon. Knowing your man’s sexual anatomy and keeping a finger on this spot may help move up launch time. Women who give superb blow jobs often work these areas with one hand while tending to the end of the penis with their tongue and lips.
  
• Nipples:
  Some guys’ nipples are quite sensitive; others aren’t. If your man’s are, tweaking them with your fingertips or caressing them with your lips and tongue can speed up arrival time.
  
• On or Up His Rear:
  It doesn’t matter if it’s your bum or his, the human anus is probably the second-most sensitive part of the body. A wet finger on it, swirling around it, or pushed into it can speed some men up considerably.
  
• Extras:
  If he gets turned on by you talking dirty to him, do it if you are in the mood. If he likes X-rated movies, load his favorite one in the DVD player. If you are having intercourse, try slowing down the thrusting rather than speeding up, or change his pace. If he is thrusting shallow, have him thrust deep. If you usually do it in the bedroom, switch to the kitchen or living room if you can. A change in routine can help increase the level of excitement and speed of launch time.
  

If His Weenie Goes Pop

A penis should never make a cracking sound or go “POP.” Although rare, the pop might be from a fracture of the penis, which has nothing to do with what most of us consider a fracture to be. Unlike an arm or a leg, there is no bone in the penis to break. A “fracture” of the penis can only happen when a penis is erect, and when one of the chambers or cylinders in the penis tears. Think of what happens if you put a knife through a balloon or jab it into the side of a can of soda. While a knife is not involved in a penis fracture, that’s what happens when the side of one of the erectile chambers tears. The way they fix the penis fracture is by sewing up the tear in the side of the chamber.

A penis fracture can also be related to a snapping of the ligament in the penis that acts like the suspension cables on the Golden Gate Bridge. If it breaks, internal bleeding might permanently damage the penis.

A fractured penis will often make a cracking sound, followed by rapid loss of erection, pain, swelling, and hemorrhage. The outcome is excellent if the penis is surgically repaired within a couple of hours. If you wait longer, the damage could be permanent, including a penis that’s shaped like a deflated circus balloon, or worse yet, an Allen wrench.

Warning:
The intercourse position that can cause the most potential damage to the penis is when the woman is on top. Be sure her vagina is plenty wet and understand that bad things can happen if the penis pulls out too far and then gets sat on it when the head is not inside the vaginal opening (or anus, if that’s your sport). Any kind of genital pain that lasts more than ten minutes needs to be tended to by a physician. Serious long-term damage can often be averted if you get medical help right away.

Two Strange Causes of Penis Fractures

While fractures of the penis only seem to happen during sex, they are fortunately quite rare. But in a recent study of sixteen men who had fractured their penis, half were having extra marital affairs when the injury occurred, and none of the fractures were caused by an angry wife. Only three of the men were having sex with their own spouse in their own bedroom. As a result, the sex was often rushed, aggressive, awkward, and it tended to happen in unusual places like cars, elevators, offices and public rest rooms, where the men were unable to protect their penis from the sudden downward thrust of their partner.

Another cause of penile fracture can be a seriously aggressive form of penis play. There is an area in Iran where this kind of penis bravado is practiced and it results in several fractured penises each year. Hopefully, no one will make a YouTube video of it. It would be an awful thing for men in other cultures to start imitating!

Dear Paul,

Why are guys always touching and grabbing at their genitals? —Eva from Evanston

Dear Eva,

When the skin on the balls sticks to the thighs, and the skin on the penis sticks to the skin on the balls, you get a claustrophobic feeling. It’s like if you had to keep your arms pressed against your sides all the time. Try it for just five minutes without lifting them. When this happens with a guy’s penis and scrotum, he’s gotta dig to lift and separate or it starts to feel like he’s going to go nuts. Body powder can sometimes help. Underwear that doesn’t fit right can make matters worse.

Dear Paul,

When guys are peeing, why can’t they aim it right? Would it kill them to get all of it in the bowl? —Nancy in Niagara Falls

Dear Nancy,

The problem is not with the aim, but with the unpredictable nature of the stream. It breaks up about as often as the signal on a cell phone.

Sometimes a rebel tributary appears and shoots off to the side, sometimes a healthy stream will suddenly turn into a spray, and sometimes it goes exactly where you aim it, but the toilet water splashes up and makes a mess on the rim.

This is no reason why a guy shouldn’t grab a wad of toilet paper and clean up after himself (bowl, floor, walls, shoes, ceiling). This is something that parents should teach their sons. Also, I don’t know if you are aware of the first law of fluid dynamics, but a man never pees on his pants leg unless it is one minute before an important meeting, first date, or job interview.

I’m told that women can be wickedly messy when they pee, especially in public rest rooms. But that’s a different story for a different chapter.

Dear Paul,

The skin on the shaft of my husband’s penis is a lot darker than the skin on the rest of his body. Is this normal? —Amber from Brownsville

Dear Amber,

It’s perfectly normal. Penises vary as much in skin tone as they do in size and shape. One man’s penis might be darker than his normal skin color, another’s might be lighter, and a third might even have freckles or blotches. You can’t predict the tone of the bone until the pants are down.

Dear Paul,

When my husband’s penis is erect, it almost points down instead of up. Is this normal? —Diane in Bend

Dear Diane,

Penises often point up, at approximately a 30-degree angle from the stomach, assuming the guy doesn’t have a big beer belly. But plenty of erect penises stick straight out, and others point down. You might try an intercourse position where you are on top but facing his feet. From this position, his funky rooster may be able to tickle parts of you that a man with an “uppie” would miss. Most important is that you and he experiment with positions that feel good for both of you.

Dear Paul,

My penis has a curve in it, but it only shows when I’m hard. Did I cause the curve by the way I masturbate? —Curly in Canton

Dear Curly,

It’s perfectly normal for guys to have a curve in their penis which only shows up when they have an erection. Contrary to the urban myth that curves are caused by the way men masturbate, most curves happen before boys are born—when they are still fetuses in their mother’s wombs and their penises are still forming.

In a very small minority of men, the curve can be so extreme that intercourse is not possible. But for most men who have curves, this is not a problem. A curve can be a strength if there are special spots in a lover’s vagina that can benefit from the focused attention that a curve can offer.

Dear Paul,

When it comes to pleasing guys, why are they so focused on their penises? There’s so much of the body that feels good when it’s kissed and touched, yet they seem to want everything to focus on the penis. —Flabbergasted in Frankfurt

Dear Flabby,

Let me start by asking you a few questions. Let’s say you’ve just cooked your lover a romantic, candlelit dinner. You’ve gone to the gym, feel really good about your body, and you are wearing a killer dress with your sexiest lingerie underneath. You want him to want you more than he wants his car, a new computer or Monday Night Football.

But when the lights finally go down, much to your surprise, his willy is nilly. No matter what you try, he’s not able to have an erection. So tell me, what’s going through your mind? Are you thinking that he’s not interested? Are you worried that he doesn’t find you attractive? Let’s say you call it a wash and go for it another time. If he still has no erection, are you thinking maybe he’s a wimp? Gay? If you are married, do you start to wonder if he’s having an affair?

The sad truth is, you are just as focused on his penis as he is—as the ultimate indicator that you are attractive and that he is excited about you. So once a penis gets hard, a guy figures he’d better start doing something with it ASAP. If the thing suddenly goes down, especially if it deflates while your legs are wrapped tight around his waist and you’ve just cried out, “Fuck me harder,” heaven help the poor boy. He’ll be a big disappointment to you and an even bigger disappointment to himself.

Also, whether it’s due to our biology or simply the things we teach ourselves about sex, a man sometimes feels a strong need to ejaculate once he becomes aroused. This need is much more pronounced in the teens or twenties than later in life. It makes us focus on having to do something with the penis rather than being able to enjoy what’s going on around us.

In Praise of Geeks!

What better way to end this chapter than with the following sentiment that a female reader e-mailed to us:

“I don’t know about other women, but I have discovered that the
geek
crowd which doesn’t often get laid in high school has a great deal of time to contemplate what they’d do if they ever got their hands on a woman. They are far better lovers because they’ve taken the time to contemplate something other than
scoring.
As a friend of mine used to say, ‘Nine-tenths of sex happens in your mind; the rest is all in your head.’ Geeks think, while jocks avoid it at all costs because in high school, thinking is not cool. Besides, geeks know how to be passionate rather than just
stoked.
Give me a geek any time.”