The Guarded Heart (12 page)

Chapter 30

August 2015

“Tell me I’m amazing and you can’t live without me,” Jonathan said as he gracefully lowered himself into the seat on the other side of Clint’s desk. Clint raised a brow and waited as Jonathan crossed his legs and inspected his nails.

“Why?” He asked and Jonathan pursed his lips.

“Because I want to know that I’m priceless and you won’t toss me aside once you and Ryder are back together,” he said and Clint did his best not to react as his heartbeat picked up.

“You’re amazing and I wouldn’t toss you aside if I was in a relationship with anyone,” he promised and Jonathan beamed.

“He’s teaching at Rockworth again and is living in the same apartment,” Jonathan announced and Clint couldn’t decide if he was surprised or disappointed that he didn’t expect it.

“Thank you,” Clint said as he leaned back in his chair. “Now, get out,” he said and Jonathan’s mouth fell open. “We’re not going to get anything done today so you might as well find something better to do,” he said and Jonathan grinned as he jumped to his feet.

“I think I’ll go to the mall and buy myself something pretty,” he declared and Clint waved as Jonathan sailed out the door.

Finding out where Ryder was living and working was like figuring out which mountain Clint had to climb. Clint replayed their meeting in front of Parker’s over and over and he was struck by how evasive and abrupt Ryder was. It was so unlike him to be anything but open and cheerful, Clint barely recognized the Ryder he encountered.

Clint sighed as he rubbed his knuckle across his lip. There wasn’t anything he wouldn’t do to get Ryder back and he hoped it was within his reach. The last sixteen months had been empty and dark. Everything that mattered before, all the things that made Clint’s life feel full and balanced felt worthless after Ryder left. Every little thing Clint took for granted haunted him and he found himself hoping for things he never thought he wanted. He snorted sarcastically as he ran through what he would say if he had a chance to talk to Ryder again.

“I love you and your faded, ratty old hoodie. Please, come home,” he whispered. “Stop being gone.”

Chapter 31

February 2014

“I think you should move in,” Clint announced and Ryder looked around the restaurant as he chewed calmly. Why did Clint always wait until they were at Parker’s? Like it was another item to be addressed as he went through his agenda. Brunch was where Clint put his world in order. He went over his notes from the night before and coordinated Saturday night’s performances. If he needed to meet with clients, they stopped by Parker’s and Ryder watched as they exchanged ideas and made changes. He refused to feel irritated or examine Clint’s choice of setting too closely. It was a beautiful day. Spring was right around the corner and Ryder was feeling particularly cheerful. The last few weeks had been tense and it felt like things were becoming lighter between them again.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Ryder said as he reached for his drink and Clint’s eyes flicked over his face.

“Why not?” He asked and Ryder raised a shoulder as he swallowed.

“I don’t think you’re asking because you’re ready to see all of my belongings at your place. I think you’re worried that I’m not ok and you want to keep a closer eye on me. And I think you’re hoping you can make me ok faster by giving me what you think I want,” he said and Clint exhaled slowly as he sat back.

“I don’t like the idea of your furniture in my house but I don’t think you’d be heartbroken to part with most of it,” Clint said and Ryder nodded in agreement.

“It would be pretty easy to get rid of most of it,” he agreed and Clint raised a brow.

“I’ve got plenty of room for your clothes. You only go back to your place to change and get more granola,” he pointed out and Ryder nodded again.

“I think I’ll wait. We’re not ready yet,” he said and Clint frowned.

“Why aren’t we ready?” He asked and Ryder held his hands up.

“We don’t know where we are or what we want yet. I don’t want to turn everything upside down because you’re worried I’m not ok,” he explained and Clint’s lips pulled tight.

“You’re not ready to let go of your escape plan,” he said and Ryder chewed on his lip as he considered.

“Maybe not. Are you?” He asked and the muscle in Clint’s jaw twitched as he stared for several moments.

“Are you ok?” He asked and Ryder shook his head.

“I don’t know,” he said and Clint held his breath. “Sometimes, I feel fine and I can think about it and it doesn’t phase me. Other times, mostly when you’re gone and I’m at your place alone, I get scared and angry,” Ryder admitted. “I’m trying to work through that. I have to. Being out in the clubs is what you do. If I can’t be ok with that, we’re never going to be ok,” he said and Clint swallowed hard as he nodded slowly.

“What can I do?” He asked and Ryder shrugged.

“I can’t figure that part out, I’m kind of struggling with my end of things right now. You’re going to have to do what makes sense to you,” he said and Clint looked like he had a million things he wanted to say but no idea where to start. Ryder silently wished him luck as he poured himself another mimosa.

Chapter 32

March 2014

“Let’s go someplace this summer,” Clint said and Ryder’s brows pulled together as he looked up from his papers. Barkley was curled up in his lap giving Clint the cold shoulder after his bath and haircut.

“Like where?” He asked and Clint shrugged.

“Somewhere in the Caribbean or maybe Tahiti. We could get one of those over-the-water bungalows and do nothing but sleep, swim, eat and fuck for a week,” Clint said and Ryder’s mouth fell open and he stared for several seconds then shook his head slowly.

“I’ve barely left Georgia. I’d have to get a passport,” he said and Clint’s eyes flicked upwards and he nodded.

“Most people do if they’re leaving the country,” he said and Ryder snorted.

“I thought you were going to suggest something reasonable, like Savannah,” he mumbled and Clint waved dismissively as he got off the couch and went into the kitchen.

“I don’t want to go someplace where there are a lot of people,” he explained as he pulled the fridge open and reached for a bowl of watermelon.

“Ah. You don’t want people seeing us together as a couple,” Ryder offered and Clint refused to acknowledge the whiff of irritation that plumed in his chest and smiled as he leaned against the counter.

“As I’m hoping to be naked and doing some pretty shameful things to your body, no. I think it would be best if as few people were around as possible,” he said and a slight blush tinted Ryder’s cheeks and he bit his lip as he looked down at the test in his hand.

“I can’t even begin to imagine how much that would cost,” he muttered and Clint rolled his eyes.

“I don’t care. I can think of a few places I’ve been to that I would love to show you,” he said and Ryder smiled and shrugged.

“I’ll think about it,” he said as he marked something wrong.

“You enjoyed the cabin,” Clint reminded and Ryder nodded as the blush crept up his neck.

“I did,” he stated and Clint grinned as he recalled how much they enjoyed the cabin. He discreetly adjusted the front of his shorts and tried to estimate how many more papers Ryder had to grade.

“It would be a lot like that but without all the clothes and we’d have sex in the ocean instead of a hot tub,” he explained and Ryder looked thoughtful as he stared at Clint.

“I can’t believe you’d be willing to have butt sex in salt water,” he said and Clint sprayed watermelon across the kitchen.

“I was willing to give it a try,” he gasped and Ryder looked dubious.

“Really? I’d think you’d be afraid of tiny dick eating fish or ass infesting parasites in the water,” he said and Clint’s lips pulled tight.

“I don’t think those are things,” he said and Ryder tilted his head.

“Maybe not but I don’t think it’s any easier than fucking in a hot tub,” he argued. “I bet it’s impossible to stay lubed,” Ryder added and Clint glared as he set his bowl on the counter and crossed his arms over his chest.

“Maybe we just fool around in the water and fuck on the deck. I’m pretty sure we could figure it out,” he stated. “Unless you want to totally suck the fun out of it,” Clint said and Ryder gave him a pointed look.

“Chill out, Jimmy Buffet,” Ryder said. “You want to fuck in the ocean, we’ll fuck in the ocean. I’ll try anything once,” he said and Clint grinned.

“Great. So, we’ll go?” He asked and Ryder shrugged.

“Sure. We’ll go if we’re still…” He stopped and cleared his throat softly as he sifted through his papers and Clint’s heart dropped to his feet.

“If we’re still what?” He asked and Ryder blinked up at him.

“If we’re still feeling adventurous?” He offered and Clint tried to breathe normally. He was too afraid to ask why Ryder would think they might not be together in the summer. The idea of begging or making promises or declarations had Clint’s shirt sticking to his chest and back.

“That’s stupid,” he muttered as he opened the fridge and replaced the watermelon. “I’ll still feel adventurous,” Clint insisted as he shut the door. “I’m going to start looking into it. I’ll make reservations as soon as you get your shit together and get a passport,” he said and Ryder nodded slowly.

“Ok,” he said and Clint ducked his head as he walked out of the kitchen.

“Great. Hurry up and finish, I’m going to bed,” he said as he rushed through the living room and into the hall. He waited until he was in the bedroom to start pacing and accusing himself of being a coward.

Chapter 33

April 2014

“Why doesn’t your mom move here?” Ryder asked as he rolled and rested his chin on Clint’s chest and he laughed softly.

“She’ll come and visit now and then but everything’s too fast or too loud or too bright,” he explained and Ryder laughed.

“She must have a hard time getting her head around what you do, then,” he said and Clint grinned as his fingers trailed up and down Ryder’s back.

“As long as I’m happy and don’t tattoo or pierce anything, she’s fine,” he said and Ryder raised his head.

“Is that why you don’t have any tattoos?” He asked and Clint shook his head.

“I never believed in anything or had anything that meaningful that I could see committing to having on my body for the rest of my life,” he explained and Ryder smiled. He had several tattoos and rarely gave any thought to them. They were mostly spur of the moment and made him smile when he recalled getting them. A few were done in exchange for helping someone out or making something. He couldn’t see Clint bartering for ink or jumping into a tattoo parlor because the day took him there.

“Your mom’s a really special woman,” Ryder said. Clint nodded and Ryder could feel warmth filling Clint’s chest. Clint cherished his mother and missed her. It was one of those realizations that made him so much more real and attractive to Ryder. Like when Clint fell asleep cuddling Barkley or Ryder found them playing or Clint giving Barkley a bath. Seeing how deeply Clint could love and how devoted he was touched Ryder. It also kept him optimistic when he was frustrated with Clint or troubled by their differences and the New Year’s Eve Disaster. Clint was so guarded with himself and his emotions but Ryder knew that if he was patient, he would find himself included in that very precious circle of love and devotion. And he couldn’t deny that he wanted that more than he wanted anything in his life.

“My mom has her moments,” Clint said, pulling Ryder away from his thoughts. “I know it was a shock to her when I told her I was gay but she just raised her chin higher and swore I was her perfect boy,” he said as his fingers ruffled Ryder’s hair.

“I’m sure it wasn’t easy for her,” he whispered as he rubbed his lips along Clint’s jaw. There was the barest hint of a stubble and Ryder wished Clint would let it go for a few days. He longed to see Clint just a little disheveled but he knew it would never happen. “I don’t imagine she had a lot of experience with gay men,” Ryder added and Clint shook his head.

“We didn’t have gay people in Wheeler,” he said. “Or Hispanics or Asians. There were a few black families but they got out as soon as they could because it got pretty unbearable after the civil rights movement. The good people of Wheeler, Georgia weren’t going to let the town go to hell on their watch and they took it out on the few black people in town,” he added and Ryder shook his head in disbelief.

“How can people still think like that?” He asked and Clint’s lips pulled tight.

“They don’t want to move on. Ladies still wear their big hats to church and there’s a potluck on the lawn after Sunday services. Men get up before the sun and meet at the diner to drink coffee and cuss about politics, the cost of hay and how nothing’s built to last because everything’s made in China,” Clint said. He was still for several moments before he let out a long breath. “I waited until my grandparents were dead to tell my mom I was gay. I knew they’d either try to beat it out of me or disown me. I was worried they’d turn my mom out if she didn’t too so I waited. They died and left her the house and once we were out from under their thumb, I told my mom and stopped being afraid. I walked away from a promising career as an engineer and started DJing. Things fell into place and I have a career I love and more than I ever thought I’d have as a poor kid from Wheeler. And it’s all because my mom pushed me and never turned her back on me.” His eyes shimmered when Ryder found them. He rose on his elbows and pressed a lingering kiss to Clint’s lips.

“I want to meet her,” Ryder said firmly and Clint’s gaze focused.

“I’ll ask her to come for a visit,” he said and Ryder felt a rush of surprise and excitement. He wasn’t expecting Clint to agree so quickly. “Don’t be surprised if she tells you to shave and cut your hair,” Clint warned as he positioned Ryder’s thighs so he was straddling Clint’s hips.

“I’d shave for your mom,” Ryder murmured as he nibbled on Clint’s lip and he felt it curve as Clint hummed.

“You don’t have to shave it all off,” Clint said as his fingers traced the cleft of Ryder’s ass. “I love your beard,” he whispered as he traced Ryder’s hole. “And I love this,” he teased and Ryder’s eyelids fell and he panted as need swelled in his groin.
Love me!
Ryder begged silently as he rolled his hips and groaned as their cocks ground against each other.
I’m so in love with you and I need to know this is never going to stop,
he thought as he reached for a condom and the lube.

“Show me how much you love it,” Ryder purred before he ripped he wrapper with his teeth.
Show me how much you love me,
he thought as he slid back and stretched the condom over Clint’s erection.
Show me how much you need me and swear you’ll never stop,
as he stroked lube over Clint’s rigid length.

“Come here,” Clint commanded and Ryder’s heartbeat slowed as he crawled toward Clint’s lips. “You have no idea,” he breathed as his fingers raked through Ryder’s hair and curved around his skull. Clint pulled and their lips collided and their tongues twisted and probed. The head of Clint’s cock pressed against the puckered entrance of his ass and Ryder moaned into Clint’s mouth as he lowered his hips and pushed back, allowing Clint to fill him in one smooth stroke. “Christ!” Clint gasped as his arms wrapped around Ryder. “You have no idea how much I love this,” he whispered shakily as he drove into Ryder’s tightness. “It’s so fucking good,” he groaned as his hands gripped and glided over Ryder’s back, ass and thighs. It wasn’t what Ryder was hoping for but he wasn’t about to complain. Not when a tingling current of heat and pleasure was spilling down his legs and up his spine.

“Don’t stop,” Ryder begged as he draped his body over Clint’s and wound his arms around his neck. He shut his eyes and he could feel Clint’s heart beating against his chest. He slid just a touch until his heart was pressed against Clint’s and held tighter. “Right here. Just like this,” he said and he felt Clint nod as he planted his feet on the bed and rolled his hips. Clint’s cock crushed Ryder’s prostate and he was sure he was going to die as pleasure flared and pulsed through his body. Their hearts were frantic and Ryder wished he could break through and push his way into Clint’s heart because he was breaking Ryder’s. “Harder!” Ryder cried. He wanted his heart to beat harder, to fight back against Clint’s and claim some space inside his chest.

“God, yes!” Clint yelled as he thrust deeper, filling Ryder with his thick, hard heat. He filled every inch of Ryder’s passage with smooth, fast strokes and Ryder was helpless against the tide of pleasure that rolled through his groin and the pressure that gripped his sack and pushed into his shaft.

“Please!” Ryder called as his nerves twisted tight.
Love me!
Then it was over. Ryder’s heart stopped and his nerves exploded. “Clint.” It fell from his lips as his eyes rolled and his body began to convulse as come burst from the head of his shaft, coating their already sweat slick skin.

“Ryder!” Clint gasped as he arched and froze. His hands clawed at Ryder’s shoulders and he tried to hear through his own body’s euphoria in case Clint confessed his feelings.

But there were no words, just desperate fingers gripping and sliding over Ryder’s skin as Clint writhed beneath him. Instead of feeling disappointed, Ryder clung to the beautiful peace and the way his body felt like a million flickering lights as the last aftershocks of his climax rippled through him. He found that their heartbeats were synchronized as they struggled to catch their breath and was delighted. And there was so much tenderness in Clint’s fingertips as they swept over Ryder’s back soothingly. Actions always mattered more than words and it was obvious that if Clint wasn’t in love, he cared very deeply. Ryder’s lips curved and he sighed drowsily as he rubbed his cheek against Clint’s shoulder.

“Don’t even think about going back to sleep,” Clint said as he rolled Ryder onto his back and pushed off the bed. He hovered over Ryder and narrowed his eyes. “We need to hurry and get in the shower,” he said and Ryder groaned.

“Can’t we stay in bed?” He whined and Clint shook his head.

“We have to go to brunch!” He declared then dropped his shoulders and Ryder jumped as Clint’s tongue lapped at his stomach, licking him clean. He raised his head and licked his lips. “Not that anything on the menu could taste better than you,” Clint murmured as he pecked at Ryder’s lips. Ryder was about to suggest they make a meal of each other when Clint vaulted from the bed. “We don’t want to lose our table,” he said as he went into the bathroom and Ryder told himself he couldn’t pout. He sat up and swung his feet to the floor and told himself not to be bitter because they couldn’t skip brunch just once and stay in. He told himself to take comfort in the fact that it was now
Our Table
in Clint’s mind. That had to be a good thing.