The Green Knight (68 page)

Sefton and Harvey emerged from Sefton's room. Clement had forgotten about Harvey. He mechanically said, ‘Hello, Harvey.' Sefton said, ‘Harvey and I are going for a walk. Please don't go away, dear Clement, stay here with Louie.' She stretched out her arms to him, clasping his shoulders, then hurried out of the front door, followed by Harvey.

Clement thought, I
won't
go away, I'll stay here. He turned to the telephone and rang Emil's number. Clement said, ‘Emil, it's Clement, I'm at Clifton, listen to two bits of news. Peter Mir has just died, we have a letter from the clinic. And we have a letter from Aleph, she is alive and well, she is in America with Lucas. Please could you tell Bellamy? He'll be very upset about Peter I'm afraid. Also, I would be awfully grateful if you would telephone all this news round to the others, you know, the Adwardens, Cora, I think Joan is with her, Kenneth Rathbone, the people who were at the party, the people who called in yesterday. And please tell them all
not to come round
. Louise asked me to say this. I'm sorry to bother you, but I have a lot to deal with here.'

Emil replied, ‘How very terrible and surprising. I will do the telephoning. Bellamy is with me here. He will be very distressed, I am very distressed. And Tessa, we shall tell her too, yes? I have a telephone number for her. But what exactly is it with Aleph, is she with Lucas on some tour or scholarship, or in some other way?'

‘Time will show I expect. She says they're going to be married. If you can just tell the others what I said.'

‘Oh, I will do so. How strange and frightful. Clement, I would like to see you soon, Bellamy will also want to see you soon. How is Louise?'

‘As you can imagine. I must ring off now. I am very grateful to you.' Clement put down the receiver, then picked it up again and laid it down on the hall table. He stood still, holding his head in his hands. He felt hot tears rising in his eyes.

He went into the kitchen and finished the washing up and dried the china and the cutlery and put it all away once again. He came out into the hall and looked at the telephone which was lying like an amputated arm upon the table and fizzing slightly. He went up the stairs and looked in on the chaos in Aleph's room, resulting from Pam and Tessa's well-intentioned search for clues. He began to straighten out the bed and pick up the clothes from the floor. He was touching Aleph's clothes which she had run away forever without. He went into the Aviary and lay down on the sofa. The house was silent.

 

 

Harvey and Sefton had reached the Green and sat down on a seat.

‘Why were you away the whole of yesterday?'

‘I'm sorry. I was so terribly upset.'

‘So was I. I nearly went mad.'

‘There was just too much, and I had to think. I felt I had to concentrate on Aleph. I thought I might find out something. Of course I didn't.'

In fact Sefton had spent the day more or less randomly walking about London, as if she might actually
meet
Aleph. One strange thing was that in her wandering she had passed and looked at Lucas's house. About this, of course, she said nothing.

‘You were avoiding me. I could have come with you.'

‘I wanted you to concentrate on Aleph too.'

‘You wanted me to be as it were alone with Aleph.'

‘Yes.'

‘I thought about you all day.'

‘But you must have thought about her too, about all the long years when you talked to her, you had a continuous conversation with her, you must have felt it would go on forever, you must have
relied
upon her more than on anyone, you must have loved her more than anyone, how can you not have loved her – '

‘Those were children's conversations. What they were really about was that
it
was impossible between us since we were brother and sister.'

‘You say that now. But she is so beautiful and so witty, I used to hear you both laughing so much, she must have
pleased
you so, she must have
delighted
and
amused
you so – '

‘There was nothing deep.'

‘There
must
have been
deep
conversation, consoling and full of spirit, like you could have with no one else – '

‘Don't go on with this, Sefton.
It
just wasn't there. We were children teasing each other.'

‘Yes, all right, but then you grew up. What was suddenly possible with me came as a complete surprise to both of us. That surprise could just as well have happened with her. I feel as if you have come to me by mistake, thinking I'm Aleph, as if I were wearing the head of Aleph over my head, like in myths or fairy stories when a god or a magician makes one person look like another person. And now people will think you turned to me just because you had lost her – '

‘Stop, stop,
wake up,
don't be so foolish and unkind! Give me your hand.'

She gave him her hand. She began to cry.

‘Sefton, darling, don't be angry with me, don't be cruel to me, I love you so much – '

‘Yesterday, we didn't know that Aleph had run away and that Peter was dead. And Peter dying
just now –
oh why did he die, why did we let him die, why didn't we keep him with us – It's so strange, and so weird and sad, Louie thought he would help us to find Aleph, she said their destinies were bound together.'

‘I wonder if she thought that Aleph might marry Peter. Perhaps Lucas thought that too – and now, well, who would have guessed – '

‘Now it's happened it may soon seem possible, likely, even necessary. Aleph was such a prize and he was such a pirate.'

‘My mother said that Aleph would be carried off by an older man, by a tycoon – well, I suppose Lucas qualifies – but how can they be happy? That seems impossible.'

‘I can see them as happy.'

‘Beauty and the Beast. Women love Beasts.'

‘Lucas can be – not like he seems.'

‘I was afraid of him. He was rather horrid to me when I was a child. I wanted to make peace with him, but I couldn't. He haunted me like a sort of demon. Aleph used to quote a piece of
Beowulf,
I forget, about a shadow-goer who came in the night – that was Lucas – perhaps she already knew.'

‘Yes. So suppose she comes back with broken wings and a broken heart? Then you would feel guilty, then you would run to her.'

‘Sefton,
please
– oh my darling, don't cry so – '

‘Anyway, she wouldn't come, she's too proud, if she lost him she'd find someone else who was worthy of her. Oh Aleph, Aleph, my dear dear sister – everything has changed. I feel – just now – we' re in a sort of no man's land, a desert, a place of dust and ashes and awful mourning – it's like being in retreat, or being punished or in prison or something.'

‘You mean we feel guilty. That must pass. We must carry our love on through the darkness. Will you come back to my flat?'

‘No, I must go home. I've got to be with them. We'll cry together.'

‘Will you tell them about us?'

‘Not yet, let's wait – they've had enough shocks.'

‘You're not having second thoughts, my love, my angel?'

‘I love you, I love you. We'll say goodbye here, then I'll run back to Clifton.'

 

 

‘Moy, I've brought you some coffee and biscuits.'

Clement, plucking up his courage, had knocked on Moy's door. As there was no answer he had cautiously opened the door.

Moy was sitting on the bed, just as she had been on the previous day. Her long thick yellow plait was hanging forward over her shoulder and down onto her lap. The room smelt of paint. Clement put the cup and plate down on an empty shelf. Why empty? He saw, turning, that the floor round Moy's feet was covered with stones. He thought, she has been crying, she has put her stones about her to comfort her.

Moy said, ‘Thank you, I don't want coffee but never mind, thank you for the biscuits. Where is my mother?'

‘She is lying down.'

‘Is Sefton here?'

‘No, but she's coming back soon. I'll get you a cup of tea.'

‘No, thank you.' She took hold of the end of her plait and began tugging it fiercely, looking at Clement with her royal-blue eyes which so reminded him of Teddy Anderson.

After a moment's silence he thought he had better go, but then decided that he ought to stay. He had tended to avoid Moy because of her ‘crush' and out of kindness to her, but now, seeing her so lonely and so desolate, he felt that he must think of something more to say.

He pulled a chair away from the wall and sat down, being careful not to put his feet on the stones. Moy, still playing with her plait, observed him with a grave sad look.

‘There's a nice smell of paint. What have you been painting?'

‘I've been painting over the canvas Miss Fitzherbert gave me, just putting on a first coat.'

‘A first coat?'

‘With oils one must paint into paint.'

‘Oh. I see. I'll buy you some canvases. I know where to buy them. You must let me bring you – well anything you need for painting – '

‘Thank you, but please don't trouble.'

Seeking another subject Clement said, ‘Remember when I found you when you had gone to look for Anax, and you came home in my car. That was an adventure, wasn't it!'

Moy frowned, cleared the frown, and for a second smiled a strange crooked smile. ‘Yes.'

Clement was taken aback. He recalled how, returning in the car, he had chided Moy for her ridiculous attachment to him. How could she forgive him for doing so, and for recalling it, and offering it to her now like a sweetie to a child! And how terribly tactless of him to mention Anax! She was no longer a child. Without his noticing she was becoming a grown-up. He saw her now for the first time as a young woman, slimmer, taller, wearing a dark blue dress with a belt, certainly not to be called a shift or an overall! He was about to say to her ‘You've grown up.' Instead he bowed his head, hoping that she would understand.

He got up and said humbly, ‘I must see your mother.'

Moy, now grave and sad once more, nodded. Clement raised one hand with an open palm. She raised a hand very slightly, scarcely visibly, in recognition. He left the room. He thought that perhaps some important communication had passed between them, but he was not sure what it was.

He knocked softly at Louise's door. He had done so a little earlier, had no reply, and concluded she was asleep. Now there was a murmur. He entered cautiously. The curtains were pulled and the room was dark. Louise, raising herself up, put on a lamp beside the bed. ‘Oh, it's you.'

‘Yes. How are you?'

She sat up on the edge of the bed. Her thick brown hair which usually so easily adjusted itself was tangled, almost fuzzy. Her pale face was shining as if with sweat, or perhaps, he thought, face cream to conceal her tears. She looked at him hostile, wrinkled and frowning. ‘I said you should go, you must not waste your time here. We can look after ourselves.'

‘Sefton went out for a while and asked me to stay.'

‘Is she back?'

‘Not yet.'

‘Where's Moy?'

‘Upstairs. I have just been talking with her.'

‘Is she crying?'

‘Not now, no.'

There was a sound downstairs of the front door opening and closing. Louise looked up, Clement hurried to the landing. ‘It's Sefton.'

‘Now please go, Clement, please.'

‘All right. But I'll come back.'

‘No,
don't
come back. I mean, we must mourn, not you. I mean – I'm sorry – I'm in such a desolation – '

‘Louise, darling – '

‘
Please go
.'

Clement passed Sefton on the stairs. She raised a hand to him, then went on into Louise's bedroom.

Clement picked up his overcoat and came out into the street, closing the front door quietly. He pulled his coat on and pulled his scarf out of the pocket. He had left his gloves in the car. He creased his face against the cold. He wanted to cry, at least to cry out. He walked to his car and pocketed the parking ticket. He sat in the car. Desolation, yes,
desolation
. Where can I go now? I'll go to Bellamy. No, Bellamy is living with Emil. And
they
don't want me, now Aleph is gone. I have been leading an empty life. I must work again, I must get
work
, I'll go and see my agent, I'll accept
anything
. He went on sitting in the car with his mouth open, screwing up his eyes and trying to weep. Deep, deepest inside his wounded heart, he felt the new pain, the pain which would now travel with him always.
Lucas
, oh
Lucas
.