The Grace In Darkness (27 page)

I sighed.
“
Craze put something in your and Mak
’
s drinks.
”

“
I knew something was wrong. I knew I couldn
’
t have gotten that drunk off one drink. He knew I was there for you… I feel sick to my stomach.
”

“
You told him you were there for me?
”

“
Well, not exactly. River did, but he knew.
”

“
Now can you see why you shouldn
’
t have been there?
”

She stared at me for a minute, wiped at her tears roughly, and then turned away, feeling around for her clothes.

“
You still don
’
t understand, Ryland. You don
’
t know how it is to always feel like you
’
re holding back everyone around you. And it didn
’
t matter that I was blind! Makayla was slipped something too.
”

She found her clothes and removed her towel to pull them on. I could smell her clothes from here, and they smelled like the pit and it made my stomach twist with new anger. Her movements were quick and angry and she yanked on her shorts. I tried to focus, but the soft sway of her breasts made me want to throw her on the bed and make her forget everything but me and what I felt like inside her. If I were smart, that
’
s what I would have done. But that
’
s if I were smart, and when I was around Araya, I was usually anything but.

She sat on the bed and pulled on her boots.
“
You
’
re never going to see past my blindness enough to treat me like a normal person.
”

“
Don
’
t do that, Araya!
You’re
using your blindness as an excuse! I just want you to be safe and last night you were far from that. You and I both know what would have happened if Sebastian hadn
’
t found you. You were drugged, for fuck
’
s sake!
”
She flinched at my words, and I instantly regretted being so damn harsh. I moved toward her, but she took a step back.

“
I
’
m sorry. I shouldn
’
t have said that, not like that.
”
I gave her a minute before I continued.
“
How can you be so self-confident and so free one minute and then feel like you
’
re a burden to everyone the next? You
’
re so afraid that I
’
m going to treat you or see you as some helpless blind girl that you
’
re forcing that excuse at me with everything you have. And the more you try to convince me and yourself that you
’
re anything but, the more you put yourself in danger! You believe it so much that you left me because of it.
You
left me, Araya!
”

“
I left because I needed to learn how to be independent! Not because I didn
’
t love you! I wasn
’
t punishing you, not like you tried to do to me at the concert the other night. I needed to prove to myself that I could be okay on my own, but you
’
re trying to turn that into something it
’
s not. You have no right bullying my friends or telling me what I should be doing. I have to get back to my dorm and check on Makayla.
”

“
I
’
ll drive you—
”

“
No. I
’
ll be fine.
”

“
I
’
m not letting you walk out that door without me, Araya. I can
’
t and I won
’
t.
”

“
Okay,
”
she finally said, and I hated how defeated she sounded. I wasn
’
t trying to break her down.

“
All I want is to keep you safe, Hummingbird. Please know that,
”
I said, running my fingers down her cheek.

She nodded and I leaned over to kiss her. My fear melted when she kissed me back, but I knew our fight was still running wild through her head.

“
It
’
s cold outside, looks like rain. I had to park down the street so I
’
m going to go get the car. I
’
ll be right back, okay?

“
Okay.
”

I kissed her again, wanting to say more, but I felt like it was better to give her some time.

It was time I stopped being so stupid, and it was definitely time I stopped letting Araya walk away from me. I wouldn
’
t let her go again.

W
hen I walked into the living room, Sebastian was sitting on the couch. He turned toward me when he heard me come in.

“
Anything good on?
”
I asked, motioning toward the TV.

“
Not a damn thing. Over eight hundred channels and I can
’
t find anything worth watching.
”
I heard the click of the remote and the quiet hum of the TV as he turned it off.

I nervously twisted my hands in front of me.
“
I wanted to thank you for last night, Sebastian. I don
’
t know what would
’
ve happened if you hadn
’
t...
”

“
You knew something wasn
’
t right. You have good instincts.
”

“
It was stupid to go there. I don
’
t know what I was thinking.
”

“
It
’
s stupid for anyone to go there, Red. Blind or not. Don
’
t beat yourself up for it.
”

I knew I had to bring it up sooner or later, but that didn
’
t make it any easier.

“
Did you tell Ryland I kissed you?
”
I swallowed hard, feeling my face flame.

He turned toward me, clearly not expecting that question. Maybe he
’
d figured I hadn
’
t been aware or I had forgotten. I wished that were the case. I felt guilty even though I knew I had no reason, but mostly, I felt embarrassed for putting that on Sebastian. I
’
d put him in the position of kissing me back and that made it all the more worse.

“
No,
”
he finally said.

I just nodded.
“
I
’
ll tell him.
”

“
You don
’
t have to if you don
’
t want to. You thought I was him, and you were also drugged.
”
I knew he was teasing, but just the mention of what happened still made me flinch on the inside.
“
It was nothing.
”

What he said was true. Would it make it worse to tell him? It had meant nothing so was it even worth mentioning? I just wanted to put that entire night behind me and pretend it never happened.

“
I don
’
t know what I
’
m going to do.
”
I sighed.
“
Either way, I
’
m sorry.
”

“
Don
’
t give it a second thought. I haven
’
t.
”

Good,
I thought.
“
I should probably go downstairs and wait for Ryland. Is it raining?
”

“
No, but it looks like it might. Here...
”

He got up and moved around the room before coming back and handing me something. My fingers moved along the uneven edges and I realized what it was.
“
Won
’
t you need it?
”

“
Nah. I
’
m good.
”

“
Thank you.
”
I walked toward the door and pulled it open.

“
Red?
”

“
Yeah?
”
I turned toward him.

“
Last night could have happened to any one of those girls there. Don
’
t forget that, okay?
”

“
Thanks, Sebastian.
”
I walked through the door, but didn
’
t close it behind me.
“
Will you tell River thanks for me too?
”

“
Sure.
”

“
Bye, Sebastian.
”

“
See ya, Red.
”

When we arrived at MA, Ryland said he
’
d wait for me while I went to talk to Mak. Seeing as how their last conversation went, I didn
’
t think that was a bad deal at all.

I knew exactly where I would find
Makayla. Her favorite spot was this tiny stone bench in the middle of the courtyard. She liked to sit there watching the students walk by, pretending she was invisible. And to us, she practically was. Sometimes she liked to pretend she was a ninja and that
’
s why no one could see her. Sometimes I questioned if she was the right choice for a blind guidance counselor. I smiled to myself because despite everything, she was my best friend.

I knew how to find that bench better than I knew how to get anywhere else on the campus so I knew exactly when I reached it.

“
How
’
d you know I
’
d be here?
”
Makayla asked. Her normal colorful tone was gone.

I sat down next to her and pulled my jacket tighter around me. It was chilly this morning and I could almost smell winter. I breathed in deeply and my body was elated by the bite in the air. I heard a slow sipping sound and knew
Mak was probably nursing her own hangover.

She shifted on the stone bench and nudged me with her elbow. I turned toward her smudged shadow and then looked down. I took the cup from her outstretched hand, looking at her again.

“
How
’
d you know I
’
d come?
”

She shrugged and I felt the movement against my shoulder.
“
I didn
’
t. I got two off Jake, the coffee cart guy. My head really effin
’
hurts. I figured yours probably does too.
”
She took another slow sip.

“
Thanks,
”
I said, nudging her, and took my own deliberate sip. The liquid was hot, but it felt good going down so I took another drink.
“
It
’
s not your job to babysit me, Makayla. You didn
’
t do anything wrong. Ryland knows that. He
’
s just…
”
I looked away and took another drink.
“
Protective.
”

“
You
’
re right. It
’
s not my job to babysit you. It was my job to be a good friend, though, and the minute I left you, I wasn
’
t being one. Something horrible could
’
ve happened to... you, Araya.
”
Her voice sounded far away.
“
I would have never been able to live with myself if it had. He was right and that
’
s the only reason I didn
’
t tell him to go to hell.

“
It was my fault. I practically dragged you to that party. I was selfish.
”

“
Nothing happened, Mak. It
’
s okay.
”

We were both silent for the longest time.

“
He
’
s right about more than that,
”
I finally said, staring straight ahead, and I could feel Makayla
’
s gaze on me.
“
I
’
ve proved to myself and to others that there is a lot I can do even though I
’
m blind, but now it
’
s time for me to be honest with myself. I can
’
t do everything. At some point, I have to draw a line. Everyone has boundaries, right? Everyone has a limit. There
’
s nothing wrong with me realizing mine.
”

“
You know, Araya, you
’
re the smartest person I know. Including myself.
”
She shoved me gently.
“
You
’
re stronger than anyone I know too. Don
’
t ever underestimate that. People will try to take that away from you because you
’
re blind, make you feel like you
’
re not, but they
’
re wrong.
”
She took a deep breath and exhaled slowly.
“
Don
’
t be too hard on Ryland, either. Sure, I want to kick him in the balls, but he wasn
’
t completely wrong, and he loves you, Araya. Like, a lot.
”

I looked toward her, wishing I could read her face. The entire time I had known
Makayla, she
’
d always been so fierce and outspoken, but right now she seemed… defeated.

“
Are you okay, Mak?
”

“
Of course. Why?
”
She was fidgeting. Trying to distract me or herself or both of us.

“
You seem off today.
”

She blew it off.
“
I just have a massive hangover.
”

That reminded me.
“
Ryland says my drink was drugged with something.
”

“
Bartender
’
s special, my ass.
”
She took another sip and I wondered if she was actually drinking it or just using it as a distraction.