The Girl Code (5 page)
PHONIN’ O'S
When you can't take your out-of-town lover to bed with you, you can always take him to bed via phone. If talking dirty works for you but you haven't done this before, your phone conversations are about to get a lot more interesting.
Notes to Self:
He will never see how red your face is when you first try this,
Shut off the lights if you embarrass easily,
Remember that practice makes perfect,
This is not the time to worry about the size of your phone bill.
As a Compliment:
“Chicago man keeps me happy with phonin’ O's, and I don't even have to put up with the terrible weather there.”
A WEB MAN
One of the worst Y2K glitches reported are these new boyfriends that people make over the Internet.
Warning:
This is not an ideal place to look for romance no matter what the commercials tell you.
Let's Be Real:
People that look like models don't go lookin’ for love at a computer terminal,
That cool guy you just met is probably four thirteen-year-old girls laughing their asses off,
Colleges that advertise on TV are worthless; this guy with a Web site is one step below that,
The only thing you really know about him is that he can type.
As a Defeat:
“Web man's not working out so well, his e-mail address connected directly to the FBI today.”
MANDATORY VACATIONS
When you no longer leave town whenever you want and no longer go wherever you want because wherever the hell that boy lives and whenever the hell he sends a ticket is exactly where and when you'll be going.
Yes, There Are Bad Points, but Let's Look at the Good Ones:
Airline tickets are the world's greatest presents,
You're still getting out of town,
You only have to shave as often as you fly,
Lots of women go on vacation looking for a guy, and you always find yours as soon as you land.
As a Point of Perspective:
“I'm not flying anywhere else this month; my mandatory vacations have already filled up my out-of-town quota.”
HOME TEAM SCRIMMAGE
When you start to believe that your weekend play-dates could become a real relationship and one of you invites the other to visit his or her home for an extended period so you can play house for a while. This is a warm-up game before the official season begins.
Things to Expect:
If you make a ton of plans, expect to cancel half of them,
When you need half an hour alone, ask for it politely, or expect to be left alone permanently,
If you don't introduce him to the people you always talk about, expect him to take a walk,
If he doesn't introduce you in return, expect to find a local girlfriend somewhere.
As a Cautionary Tale:
“I had a home team scrimmage last week at his house and got a reality check: I learned he still lives with his parents.”
“I never change my mind, except ‘ my affections.”
—OSCAR WILDE
SUMMER LOVE
The kind of guy you really want to date when the weather is warm, but who loses his appeal when his tan fades. He doesn't have to be a brain surgeon, but he certainly needs to be hot.
His Usual Attributes Include:
A convertible,
A lifeguarding job,
A great upper body,
An undergraduate degree (in about two years when he finishes school).
As Words to Make Your Mouth Water:
“So I laid out my towel right next to my summer love, and he began rubbing in my sunscreen without saying a word.”
A FALL NESTER
The kind of man you can see yourself settling down with for a few months of winter hibernation. Everyone wants someone to cuddle up with on those coming cool nights, so we go into search mode about Labor Day.
Idyllic Dates in This Season Include:
Kicking fallen leaves in the park,
A game of touch football in a turtleneck sweater,
Hot chocolate or cider after a romantic movie,
A long Thanksgiving weekend (if you make it that far).
As a Whisper:
“I don't know if we'll make it to Christmas, but I saw that beard when I registered for fall classes and knew he was a fall nester.”
CLUB MED MORALS
When you take a vacation in a place that creates a little fantasy world for you, and your inhibitions never make it past the baggage claim. They really should advertise these highlights in the brochure.
How Is It That:
This never-never land has so many hot guys?
These little beads manage to get you so drunk?
You never want to do any of these things when you have a boyfriend?
Guilt doesn't exist on these islands?
As a Pact with a Vacation Roommate:
“I swear I'm not like this at home; they must put something in the food that gives you Club Med morals.”
INSTRUCTOR BOY
The kind of romance you have while learning some sport, during some lost weekend, that completely typifies whatever season it's in with a guy you would otherwise never date.
Everyone Should Have at Least One:
Ski instructor guy one winter,
Surfer/jet skier/yacht racing dude one summer,
Fly fisherman or mountain-climberman one fall,
Baseball or basketball player one spring.
P.S.
You get extra points if he is a professional at his sport or taking a year off from school to do it full-time.
As One to Remember:
“I had this instructor boy one winter who taught me hunting up north…we saw all kinds of animals and never left the cabin.”
WINTER WONDER BOY
When it's so cold out that you don't want to leave the house, and he just makes that so damn easy. Keep the heat high, the big meals coming, and the body heat between you.
Things to Beware of:
Gaining twenty pounds lounging around with your teddy bear,
Worrying about where this is going when the snow melts,
Considering getting out of this before the holidays,
Neither of you shaving for two to three months.
As a Source of Warmth:
“I haven't been out partying in months, it's too cold out there and I've already got winter wonder boy in here.”
SPRING CHICKEN
This is not a type of guy, but a kind of attitude. It's the spring in your step when spring is in the air and the panic in your mind of being tied down for the summer. So, as not to get involved, you look for the friskiest guy around and start planning your spring break.
Don't Sweat the Fact That:
He'll probably never see Memorial Day,
Your parents would hate him,
He suggested Fort Lauderdale as a romantic getaway,
That your best conversations are usually over beer.
As a Personal Mantra:
“So what if I'm a spring chicken and too afraid to let him in, if it's meant to be, I'll catch up with him next September.”
A MIDNIGHT SNACK
This is the guy you grab on New Year's Eve for the twelve o’ clock drop. Sometimes he's grabbed just days before, and sometimes he's grabbed right on the spot, because let's face it, anyone will do after all that cheap champagne.
Just Don't Stoop so Low as to Grab:
Some young'un so young he still believes in Santa,
Someone else's full-time snack,
The guy who just threw up,
Your girlfriend unless you mean it.
As Something You Will Later Admit:
“He was just a midnight snack; I really shouldn't have kept him around till breakfast.”
BIRTHDAY ICING
This guy is similar to a midnight snack but appears only on your birthday. The same rules apply. (Ah, what the hell, you'll have a real date next year.)
At Least Follow These Guidelines:
Don't accept expensive gifts from him,
Don't ditch him in the corner if you're throwing a party,
Don't lead him to believe this expression of loneliness is actually deep affection,
Don't return his call next year if you're still this pitiful.
As a Wish When You Blow Out the Candles:
“Please don't let the birthday icing find out that he's only a party decoration.”
