The Girl Code (4 page)
Best Utilized:
When you refuse to bring up the boyfriend title until he does,
When dates are scarce and you're feeling lazy or horny,
When you can't choose between him and another imperfect suitor,
When you don't really like him but your mother does.
As a Preposition:
“We did some kissing after the movie last week and next Friday he invited me square dancing…so he's in the rotation; now we'll see how it goes.”
SIAMESE
When you've been seeing a man for more than a week, but less than two months, and are so attached at the hip that you spend at least five nights a week with him. (A good indication that you've entered the Siamese stage: your girlfriends stop calling.)
Women Who Need to Monitor This Behavior:
Girls who dropped all their friends in high school every time they had a boyfriend,
Women who believe they are at least fifteen pounds overweight,
Women who haven't had a relationship in eight months,
Anyone over twenty-seven years old.
As a Dagger:
“Don't even bother inviting her, she has a two-week boyfriend and is so Siamese that she checks in with him to urinate.”
THE BAD HYGIENE STAGE
When you wake up with a guy on Sunday morning and neither of you bothers to shower or shave. This is a sign of a long-term thing. But remember, let this stage get out of hand and you risk killing all romance.
Do Not Attempt:
Not brushing your teeth,
Picking your nose,
Running out of toilet paper,
Farting and not even bothering to apologize. (These things can only be accomplished by married people.)
As a Justification:
“We're at the bad hygiene stage; I probably won't do a bikini wax all winter.”
THE PRIDE PERIOD
The point in a relationship when you come to realize that it is unsalvageable. Ladies, if you can't save your relationship save your pride—it may be the only thing you have left when it's over.
Reasons to Find the Strength:
It may take six months to get over him but it can take years to recoup your pride,
Therapy is expensive,
Crap never gets easier to swallow,
You lived for years before him, and pride will get you through the coming years without him.
As a Place:
“I cried all night long while I packed my things; I am finally entering the pride period.”
RAW COOKIE DOUGH TIME
When you've been dumped by your man and need to He in bed and cry for a day or two. The best thing to have on hand is one girlfriend, two spoons, and raw cookie dough ready to be eaten right out of the package.
Try This Only at Home Because:
You should never let ‘em see you sweat,
Eating raw cookie dough in public grosses people out,
It's always better to hash it out before you get on with it,
If you eat the whole package, your stomach will hurt too much to think about him.
As a Plea:
“He just called me and told me we're through; please come over, it's raw cookie dough time.”
BOYFRIEND HEAVEN
At the final stage of any relationship, this is the special place where the non-keepers go. Men don't break up with you, they just go to boyfriend heaven.
Helps You to:
Save face,
Imply that he's either a treasured memory or fresh roadkill,
Deflect concern, scrutiny, or pity from the peanut gallery,
Say nothing if you can't say something nice about someone.
As a Place:
“I'm sure he's well, but I really wouldn't know—he's in boyfriend heaven now.”
THE RECYCLING BIN
Women in the extreme stages of single life start looking for men here: the section of your address book where you keep old boyfriends’ phone numbers—and occasionally rationalize that it's okay to date them again.
Occurring When Your Ex-Boyfriend Is:
Extremely handsome,
Exceptionally well endowed,
Rich as hell, or
When you need a date and are worried about adding another number to the reject list.
As an Excuse:
“Don't get too attached to my date; he's from the recycling bin and won't be around for long.”
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.”
—KATHARINE HEPBURN
CITY OR STATE TITLES
When the guy you are considering/smooching/doing lives farther than one hour away, it is unlikely that your friends will ever see him, so don't expect them to remember his name. Instead, decide early on if the city or state he lives in is more impressive, and go with that one.
Upgrades in Pretension Are:
A “Seattle boy” is much more exciting than a “Washington State guy,”
“New York man” cleverly hides the fact that he's actually from upper Westchester County,
No one gushes for the farm guy in the next county, but “Rolling Hills retreat boy” is fun,
And best of all: “spicy Italian man” could live in a shack in Europe, but hey, it's still in Europe.
As an Admission:
“He may be an unemployed surfer from Orange County, but my ‘California dream boy’ has the best state title this side of the Mississippi River.”
A LOVE FEST
This is the single best reason to date an out-of-town man: the weekends away in strange and romantic places where neither of you lives. Pack lots of pretty things and prepare to show them all off.
Things to Consider in Advance:
Frequent flyer miles were actually invented for this, Pack an excessive amount of undergarments as well as Every shoe you own so you're prepared for anything, Anything you do outside of your own state does not count morally.
To Instill Jealousy in Friends:
“Island boy sent me first-class tickets, so I'll be having a love fest in the Keys this weekend—I think that calls for the bikini.”
DRIVE-BY DIALING
Remember the old days of calling your faraway guy late at night and hanging up when he answers…just to make sure he is there? Well, welcome to the world of Caller ID and
*
69. There is no longer anything anonymous about this.
If You Really Need to Call Anyway:
Be prepared to talk, or to leave a message that you've just dreamt that he died, and he needs to call you back tonight no matter what time he gets in.
If He's on to You Doing This and You Really Can't Get Caught Again:
Just do it from a pay phone.
From a Reformed Check-In Junkie:
“I tried a drive-by dailing last night, and let me tell you how badly I got busted trying to pull away.”
D.W.I.
Different from a booty call, Dialing While Intoxicated to faraway attractions leads to nothing but bad conversation, often a crying jag, and always a hefty phone bill fine at the end of the month.
Note to Self:
Just go to bed.
Keep in Mind:
Long-distance relationships and alcohol don't mix well,
You're never as attractive as you think you are when you're drunk,
You will probably misremember the entire conversation come morning,
Making sure your brain is engaged before calling a lover anywhere is always a good idea.
As a Concern:
“After the party I went home and did a D.W.I, to Texas, and I sure hope that was a heifer I heard laughing in the background.”
