The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (4 page)
Read The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes Online
Authors: Rudy A. Swale
After some great sex, she lies there stroking his prick.
He asks, “Do you want more sex?”
“No,” she replies, “I’m just admiring your cock... I really miss mine.”
Q. Why do women stop bleeding when entering menopause?
A. Because they need all the blood for their varicose veins.
A man goes into a shop and starts looking around. He sees a washer and dryer but there are no prices listed on them. He asks a salesman who says, “Five dollars for both of them.”
“You’ve got to be joking!” the man says.
“No, that’s the price,” the salesman says. “Do you want to buy them or not?”
“Yeah, I’ll take them,” the man says. He continues to look around and sees a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, and speakers.
“How much?” he asks.
“Five dollars for the system, including installation,” the salesman says.
“Is it stolen?” the man asks incredulously.
“No,” says the salesman, “It’s brand new. Do you want it or not?”
“Certainly,” the man says. He looks around some more. As the salesman is ringing up the purchases, the man asks him, “Why are your prices so cheap?”
The salesman says, “Well, the owner of the shop is at my house right now with my wife, and what he’s doing to her, I’m doing to his business!”
Q. What do a blonde and a moped have in common?
A. They are both fun to ride until a friend sees you on one.
A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on its final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, “This is your captain. We’re on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto.”
He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The co-pilot says to the pilot, “Well, skipper, what are you going to do in Toronto?”
“Well,” says the pilot, “first I’m going to check into the hotel and have a dump, after which I’m going to take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner. And then, after dinner and a few drinks, I’ll take her back to my room and have sex with her all night.”
Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisles trying to get a look at the new stewardess.
Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She’s so embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady’s bag and down she goes. The old lady leans over and says, “No need to hurry, dear. He’s got to take a shit first.”
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey and orders a drink.
While he’s drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off of the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it into his mouth, and to everyone’s amazement, somehow swallows it whole!
The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”
The guy says, “No. What?”
“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... WHOLE!”
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replies the guy. “He eats everything in sight. The little bastard. Sorry, I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.” He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, and then leaves.
Two weeks later he’s in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar, grabs it, sticks it up its ass, pulls it out, and then eats it. The bartender is disgusted.
“Did you see what your monkey did?” he asks.
“No. What?” asks the guy.
“Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, pulled it out, and ate it!” said the bartender.
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replies the guy. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures things first!!”
Q. How do gays refer to hemorrhoids?
A. Speed bumps.
A paperboy is doing his monthly round of collecting money from customers. One door is opened by a fairly sexy buxom woman who is wearing a transparent lace negligee.
“Hi, Missus, I’ve come for the paper money. It’s $5 please,” says our boy, with his hand held out.
“I’m afraid I’ve no money in the house,” the woman replies in a breathy voice, “but if you come in I’m sure I can think of something...”
So our lad goes in and the woman throws herself back on the fireside rug, pulling off the negligee, moaning, “You can have ME instead...”
The kid sighs, takes off his bag, and then produces a dick that wouldn’t look out of place on a stud bull. The woman is agog. Our lad then produces a load of big rubber rings from his bag, which he proceeds to stack around his giant knob.
“What are they for?” asks the woman.
“Oh, they’re just to make sure I don’t go all the way in when I fuck you,” replies the boy.
“To hell with them!” implores the woman. “I’ll take all of you!”
Our lad replies... “Not for five fucking dollars you won’t!”
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