The Fullness of Quiet (7 page)

Chapter 10

I walked with Helen to school the next day like I always did. I said goodbye to her and made my way to my own school. Charlie was as happy as ever. It had been a while since we’d spent a decent amount of time together. She gave me the biggest hug ever.

“How are you? We should do something after school!” she signed to me.

“I’m good. How are you? We should. What do you want to do?”

“I’m great. I don’t know. How about a sleepover and stay up late talking about boys! I haven’t had an update on Joshua in a while.” She winked at me. I laughed.

“Okay. Sleepover it is. It’s a school night though so we’ll have to be extra good.” She fluttered her eyelids innocently.

“I’m always good.”

“No you’re not!” I laughed.

Alex joined us and we made our way into class. I looked around the room but I couldn’t find Joshua. I frowned. It was unlike him to be late.

The teacher started the day’s lessons and I felt agitated. I just hoped everything was okay. By break time, he still hadn’t arrived. I was become anxious and quiet.

“What’s wrong?” asked Charlie.

“Nothing,” I replied absentmindedly.

“Yes there is. What is it?”

“Joshua hasn’t turned up for school.”

She looked at me and then looked around the playground. Alex approached us.

“Jocelyn, have you seen Joshua? The teachers want to know where he is,” he asked.

I shrugged. “I don’t know, Alex. I saw him last night.”

“Okay. I’m sure he’s just sick.” I nodded. The rest of the day dragged on. I spent the afternoon with Charlie and we did a sleepover at mine. I wasn’t much fun though. I was distracted. She asked me about Joshua and I told her everything. I told her what it felt like to be around him and all the things we did together. I told her about the painting I did for him and our first kiss. I told her about him telling me he loved me. I didn’t leave out a single detail, I couldn’t. Every moment I’d spent with him had been precious and special in its own way, to leave any of them out would be an insult.

Charlie was fascinated by everything I had to say. She asked me so many questions and so quickly. It was difficult keeping up. By the time I’d finished telling her everything, I was feeling much better. The memories of his gentleness seemed to have put me in a better mood and I felt thoroughly relieved.

We played games for most of the evening such as Uno and other card games before finally turning in. I didn’t sleep very well that night.

I dreamt of demons and masked faces. Of haunted places and ghosts. Of all manner of creatures that I couldn’t even begin to describe. I tossed and turned all night and woke up delirious, thinking my dreams were real.

When I finally woke in the morning, I was exhausted. I had dark circles under my eyes and I couldn’t focus. Me and Charlie packed up her things, took Helen to school and arrived at our own school to find that Joshua was still missing.

The days passed and still I hadn’t heard anything from him. He didn’t come to school and he didn’t call by my house any more. I didn’t know what to do. I was going to go and call on his aunt but I knew that none of the family would understand me.

One day about a week after his disappearance, his name was removed from the register. I asked my teacher afterwards and she said that his aunt had called to say that he would no longer be attending this school. I felt broken.

I didn’t know what was worse. That he’d left without telling me why or that he left without saying goodbye.

Life went back to the way it was before I met Joshua. I didn’t think life was boring before him but now that he wasn’t around, I felt alone. He’d become such a big part of everything without me even realizing it.

Daddy noticed that I’d been down. Helen noticed it as well. Charlie came and stayed over almost every week in the hope that her company would improve my mood. I appreciated her trying and I made an effort to return to my old self.

I only managed this several weeks after he left. I’d tried so hard to remove him from my mind that I’d finally been able to block all the memories of my time with him. I don’t know how I managed it but I did. Everything went back to the way it was supposed to be. The way it used to be. I went to school, I hung out with Charlie and Alex, I helped Helen with her homework and told her more stories. Life settled back to the way it had always been.

I’d taken flowers to Mum’s grave and sat for a while in the grass. I’d decided that it was time to let out all my emotions. I told Mum everything. I started from the very beginning and talked for hours, not in the way that I told Charlie. This time when I told it, I knew how it would end and I couldn’t help the tears. I cried and cried all afternoon.

After that, I felt much better. It didn’t matter that Mum couldn’t help me, what mattered was that I’d said it all. Now that it’d been said, I could get over it all and move on.

As I walked home, I enjoyed the beautiful sun, felt the light breeze on my face. I smiled the whole way, relieved and glad. Tomorrow would be a new day.

Chapter 11

I was tucking Helen into bed. She snuggled down and lay back. I was expecting her to ask for a story but instead she asked me if I missed Joshua. I didn’t know what to say. I hadn’t thought of Joshua since I’d been to Mum’s grave and that was months ago. Joshua had been gone for almost a year now and life had just continued without him.

“Yes,” I replied.

“Where is he?” she asked me. Sometimes her innocence would strike me, render me speechless.

“I don’t know,” I answered, honestly.

“Why?”

“Why what?”

“Why don’t you know?”

“He never told me.”

“That was not very nice.”

“It wasn’t his fault, Helen.”

“Whose fault is it?”

“It isn’t anyone’s fault.”

“How does that work?”

“Some situations can’t be controlled. It’s like when Daddy tells you what to do. Or when you finish Primary School you have to leave and go onto Secondary School.”

“I miss him though. He was nice to talk to.”

“Yes he was. Would you like a story tonight?” Helen nodded eagerly. “Once upon a time in a far away kingdom lived a big, old, ugly Ogre. He believed that he was not really an ogre but a beautiful unicorn and nobody would believe him. Everyone he tried to tell would run and scream from him in terror because ogres ate people for their dinner.

“The Ogre decided that he would travel across the land in the hope of finding someone who would listen to him. On his travels he met a lovely little Fairy. The Fairy told him that he had to find someone of royal blood to kiss him and then he would be transformed back into his original self but if he had been lying then he would be turned into an ugly boar and be hunted by everyone.

“The Ogre said he would do it so he could prove to everyone that he had been telling the truth the whole time. He went straight to the King and appealed to him but on seeing him, the King had him thrown out the castle. Sad and lonely, the Ogre wandered in the forest. It was then that he heard a beautiful voice singing. He followed the voice to where a young Girl sat by a well. She was lowering a bucket into the dark hole. When she saw him she screamed and ran away.

“The Ogre, feeling awful, sat by the well and cried. He cried and howled and yet the misery would not leave him. When he had exhausted himself he sat there and thought about what he was going to do next. He pulled on the rope that the young girl had lowered into the well and drank the whole bucket of water. He lowered it into the well again and drew up another full bucket. This one he left by the well for the Girl should she ever return for it.

“As the Ogre got up to leave, he heard a small voice behind him. He turned to see the young Girl peeking out from behind the tree.

“’Why do you cry?’ she asked him.

“’Because I am ugly and I scare away everyone when I do not mean to. All I want is a peaceful life.’ The Ogre sat back down on the ground and began to cry again. The Girl came over and looked at the bucket.

“’You cannot be that bad,’ she said gently. ‘You filled my bucket up for me.’

“’It was in case you came back,’ he replied. The young Girl went to the Ogre and wrapped her arms around him. She gave him a single kiss on the cheek and in that instant he magically transformed into a large white unicorn with a purple and pink horn.

“’The spell is broken,’ cried the Unicorn. The young Girl laughed. She took off her long brown cape to reveal the garments of a princess underneath. The Unicorn was so grateful that he served the Princess for the rest of his life and lived in the palace with her. They remained the best of friends and lived happily ever after. The end.”

Helen clapped in her excitement. “I want a unicorn,” she said.

“They’re not real,” I answered. “Sleep time now.” She settled down in her bed and I gave her a kiss on the cheek. “Goodnight, Helen.”

I turned out the light and went back downstairs to see Daddy. I gave him a kiss goodnight and then went to my room.

I wasn’t tired; I just wanted to be on my own. I was thinking hard about what Helen had said. Because we don’t have Mum around I have to step into her shoes when it comes to looking after Helen and she amazed me. She was so intelligent and in tune with other people.

I lay on my bed, fully clothed and stared at my ceiling. I thought about poor little Helen, not knowing much about the world, Daddy who had to put up with us, Charlie who tried her best to keep my spirits up, Alex who didn’t know what to do around me anymore and I thought about Joshua.

I thought about the emotions I had when he left, the emotions I had when he was here, the things that he didn’t understand or see when I first met him, the story of his parents. I thought about his facial expressions, the vulnerability in his eyes, the way he would avoid looking at me when he didn’t know what to say, the way he looked at me before he kissed me.

Curiously there was no longer a need for him. The numbness I had felt when he disappeared just faded and now I didn’t know how or what I felt. Fed up of my own thoughts, I picked up a book on my bedside table. After a minute of reading, I put it down. I didn’t want to read a romance right now. I wasn’t in the right state of mind.

In the end, I got up and dragged my school books to my desk. Everything was getting ridiculous, especially if I was now at the point where I couldn’t even be alone with my own thoughts any more. Not even reading was a good enough distraction.

I labored away at my work until my eyelids became heavy and even then I worked on. It was two in the morning before I switched the light out and I simply collapsed onto my bed, not even bothering to undress.

“Are you okay?” asked Charlie.

“I’m fine,” I answered slowly. “My mind wouldn’t shut up last night so I worked until two this morning.” Charlie studied me carefully.

“What was on your mind?”

“Everything. It’s been a while since I’ve let myself think and it all caught up to me. Once the barrier was down there was no way of putting it back up.” I laughed a little and Charlie smiled. She gave me hug and took me by the hand as we went into class.

The day passed the same as any other. I was stood waiting for Helen to come out of school but I couldn’t see her. Her whole class had been dismissed but she was nowhere to be found. I frowned. It was unlike her to be late. I knew she loved school but she always rushed out to tell me all about it. I walked through the gates, against the flow of people. I made my way up the stone steps and into the building.

I was unsure where her classroom was but to my relief there were signs posted on the walls. The last thing I wanted to do was ask for help. I doubted anybody here would be able to sign or even understand me. I found her classroom and peeked my head around the door. The teacher was clearing away a few things on her desk. She looked up at me as I approached and said something. I signed to her that I was deaf and she looked at me for a second before slowly signing the letters of my name. I pointed to myself and nodded.

The woman stood from her desk and shook my hand. Then she picked up a board marker in her hand and began to write on the board. I’m sorry, I can only sign the alphabet. I smiled. At least she’d tried. Your sister, Helen, went home at lunch time. She said she wasn’t feeling very well. I frowned and nodded, showing that I understood what she had written.

I signed thank you to her but she just looked at me puzzled so I wrote it on the board. She laughed and nodded. Confused by her reaction I left and walked quickly home, worrying the whole way.

I walked through the front door and Daddy appeared almost immediately. Before I could say anything he stopped me.

“Everything is fine,” he signed. I let out a deep breath and felt a weight lift from my shoulders.

“What was wrong with her? Where is she?”

“She was just feeling under the weather. A new sickness bug or something. She’s upstairs resting.” I nodded and made my way up the staircase. I opened the door a notch to see her curled up in bed facing me. She smiled at me but it didn’t hide the grayness of her skin.

I sat on the edge of her bed and put the back of my hand to her forehead, checking her temperature. She was boiling. I felt her palms and they were clammy. I frowned.

“It is just a sick bug,” she signed to me. “I will be better tomorrow.”

I kissed her forehead and left, allowing her to rest.

Chapter 12

The next day Helen was dancing around the house, her usual bubbly self. I could see that Daddy was still concerned about her. It was rare she was ill and when she was, it lasted days, sometimes weeks. This time the ‘bug’ had lasted less than a day; something wasn’t right.

I didn’t think too much of it at the time. After all there was nothing physically wrong with her and she said she felt fine. She insisted on going to school and I told her that if she had the smallest feeling of not being well then she was to tell her teacher and come straight home.