The Fullness of Quiet (2 page)

It upset me that this was the way she had to live. She wouldn’t speak very often because I was the one she spoke to most and she just didn’t need to. I knew that she struggled in English because her vocabulary wasn’t as good as the rest of her class. She did love to read but it was rare she had the opportunity outside of school to put it into practice. Sure, Daddy was around for her to talk to but he was usually home late and left for work early.

I wished more than anything else in the world that I could help her. That I could just encourage her to speak but to her it wasn’t logical when I was around. She couldn’t comprehend why she should speak to someone who couldn’t hear what she was saying. So every day when I saw her sign to me, I was painfully reminded that it was my disability that was holding her back in the most basic of her lessons. It frustrated me that there was nothing I could do.

“What else do we need?” signed Helen.

“Not sure yet. Let me get started.” I replied. I gave her small tasks to do around the kitchen and it didn’t take me long to get the dinner set out on three plates at the dinner table.

After dinner, I played a little with Helen before going up to my room to get on with my homework for the evening. I know a lot of teens find it hard to concentrate when it comes to doing homework because there’s just so much around them to play with and some find it hard when there’s noise in the background. Luckily I don’t have that problem. I guess that’s one of the positive effects of being deaf. Probably the only one.

I had to prepare a presentation for our English class the next day so I played around on the computer and managed to get it all sorted in a relatively short space of time. I went and found Helen and signed to ask her if she would watch it for a few minutes. Gladly she took my hand and followed me upstairs. She sat cross legged on the floor in front of me, waiting patiently.

We were required to be able to ‘talk’ about what our presentations were on and so I liked to have a little practice beforehand and I hate signing to an empty room. A bit like how some people hate talking to an empty room and always prefer someone to be there to listen to what they have to say. Well, signing is exactly the same. Just because I may be deaf doesn’t mean that I’m completely alien to what is human.

Helen watched my hands attentively as I quickly outlined what I was talking about. Sure I’d speak in more detail when the time came to it but for now, a rough practice would do.

Once I had finished I thanked Helen and went to tuck her into bed. She wanted me to tell her a story tonight. Usually, she would quietly snuggle down and go straight to sleep but every now and again she would ask for a story and every time she did I had to make up a new one. She hated repeats.

“Once upon a time,” I signed. “There was a beautiful Princess and she lived in the biggest and most beautiful palace in the land. Her Mother was very kind to her and bought her lots of nice gifts. Her Father was a very proud man and loved his daughter very much. The Princess had no brothers or sisters and would get very lonely. She very much wanted someone to talk to and play with and share her secrets with.

“When she had been younger her Mother would buy her all manners of creatures to keep her company. Dogs, cats, birds, snakes, horses, rabbits and she even had a mouse. To begin with the Princess was happy but after a while she became bored of the animals and they were taken away from her.

“Today was her sixteenth birthday which meant that she was now eligible to take a husband and so invitations went out to all the princes and lords and dukes of the land to ask for anyone who thought themselves worthy of her hand in marriage. Many of them came to the castle and many of them tried to woo her...” Helen signed to me to ask what I meant. I quickly signed a different phrase and then continued with my story. I was always amazed by how much attention she paid. It was rare she fell asleep whilst I was signing.

“The beautiful Princess only wanted her husband to have one quality and that was for her to trust him and confide in him. When all these handsome princes and lords and dukes came to see her, she said that they had one day to convince her to tell them her deepest secret...”

“What is her secret?” signed Helen almost jumping up and down in her bed.

“You will have to wait and see.” She settled back down but the excitement was still gleaming in her eyes. “All the princes and lords and dukes thought that it could not be that hard because they were all very charming and lots of pretty ladies loved them already but none of them were happy until they had married the richest, prettiest girl they could find.

“Weeks went by and not a single man had been able to learn her secret. Each one of them had become impatient and stormed off. One prince stayed all day but even he eventually got fed up. The Princess was feeling very sad. It seemed that she would never marry. One day a young man knocked on the palace doors and they were opened to him. They asked him who he was and he said he had come to seek the Princess’ hand in marriage.

“The palace knights laughed at him and said there is no way that this silly little man without a grand title could woo the beautiful and kind Princess. Surely he could see that. The young man strode past the laughing knights with his head held high and marched straight up to the Princess. He explained his reason for coming and immediately the Princess had her doubts but she had said any young man could try so she accepted him and said he had one day.

“At first the young man said nothing but gazed at the beautiful Princess before him. After a while he asked her to take a walk with him. They walked out of the palace door and through the cherry trees underneath her bedroom window. The young man asked her questions about herself and she answered, wary at first but gradually she found she was enjoying herself and even asking him questions in return. He was not a very rich man and he did not have any family still alive but despite that she liked him. They walked and talked some more before returning to the palace.

“By this point the sun had set and dinner was being laid so they made their way to the grand dining hall. They talked and laughed over dinner and the young man had not once asked about her secret. The Princess thought this was odd but soon forgot about it as she found she was having such a good time. When it was time for them to go to bed he gave her a gentle kiss on the cheek and retired to his room.

“For hours he desperately tried to get to sleep but no matter how much he tossed and turned, it was impossible. All he could think about was the beautiful, laughing Princess. In the early hours of the morning he crept out of bed and into her room. He approached her bed and took her hand in his. She looked so peaceful sleeping, but her eyelids flickered open and she looked up at him.

“He told her how he could not sleep and desperately wanted to know what her big secret was. He lay down next to her and told her all the wonderful things he could think of. He told her how beautiful she was, how magical her laugh was and how charismatic her personality was...”

“What is charismatic?” signed Helen. I quickly explained and waited to see if she would understand. She thought for a moment and nodded. I smiled. “Please keep telling the story!”

“Sorry,” I signed back and picked up from where I left off. “They lay there until the sun came up and still she had not told him what her deepest secret was. During that afternoon the young man was called to the throne room where the young Princess sat with her Mother and Father. The Princess told him that he had failed to find out her deepest secret but the young man begged her to give him another day and every other day for the rest of his life. He told her that he would not rest until he knew her secret and would go to the ends of the world for her if he could only know.

“The King smiled down at this young man that had no fortune of his own and he nodded. The Princess told him that there was no secret but she wanted to find a true husband who would listen to her and love her. She said that he had been so loving and kind that she chose him to be her husband. The young man jumped up and took the Princess in his arms. He gave her a long kiss and they lived happily ever after.”

Helen’s flow of questions was so fast that her tiny little hands could barely keep up. I signed to tell her to slow down and for the next fifteen minutes she asked a complete array of questions. I answered each one with patience and before I’d even finished, she had a second one lined up for me. I eventually got her to settle down and kissed her goodnight, leaving her door ajar enough for a sliver of light to fall across her bedroom floor.

I padded downstairs to find Daddy watching the TV. The motorbikes were on, so of course, he was watching. I liked it when he watched them. He muted the sound, not interested in what the commentators had to say about the race and for a short time I don’t feel so alone as I know that he has nothing to listen to either.

I gave him a kiss on the cheek and signed to tell him goodnight. He asked about Helen and I told him I’d told her a story and she was all tucked up in bed. He smiled gratefully. I trundled upstairs and flopped down on my bed. I was so unbelievably tired and for no reason. I guess it had been a long day. I attempted to undress myself whilst still lying down. I was unsuccessful.

I pushed myself off the bed and undressed, allowing my clothes to litter my bedroom floor. I scoured my room for some pajamas before eventually getting under the covers and going to sleep.

Chapter 3

I woke up in the morning after the strangest dream I had had in a long time. Helen hadn’t come in to see me yet so I checked my clock: 6:30 a.m. I still had at least another half an hour. My mind ran over the details of the dream.

The new boy, Joshua, had been in it. That in itself was weird; I hadn’t even spoken to him yet. I’d been kidnapped by someone and he was trying to save me. He was chasing after my kidnapper and was calling my name. I can never hear in reality so I never hear in my dreams. All I saw was his lips moving, forming the letters of my name. I tried to call out to him but I couldn’t tell if I had or not. The world was a blurry confusion around me. And that’s when I woke up.

I decided that lying in bed wasn’t very constructive so I dragged myself to my feet and treated myself to a twenty minute shower. It was so refreshing. I shut off the water and stood there for a moment, contemplating what would happen today. I wondered whether I should speak to this Joshua kid. After all, he might be really nice and just in need of a friend.

I stepped out the shower, toweled myself down and padded into my bedroom, still thinking about the dream. I walked back and forth between my bedroom and the bathroom as I got ready. I took my time, not only because I was preoccupied with thinking but also because I knew there was no rush.

I’d never been a big believer in dreams meaning something. I know that some stuff triggers thoughts in your subconscious and they sometimes appear in your dreams but I don’t necessarily believe that your dreams dictate your fate to you. How could your own subconscious possibly know your fate?

Predicting the future is impossible. I’ve always thought so. Sure you can predict the weather by measuring movement of the clouds and such but I don’t believe you can predict events. On the third of next month I will have Frosties for breakfast. Most likely, seeing as I usually have Frosties for breakfast. Honestly some people are just ridiculous.

I was eventually dressed and ready for school and yet I still had an hour to kill. I went to go and find Helen. She was still curled up in bed. At least someone was able to have a lie in. I decided to leave her for another fifteen minutes. I went downstairs to fix myself a bowl of cereal. I walked through the kitchen door to find Daddy stood at the kitchen counter, reading the newspaper. I walked over to him and wrapped my arms around him. He was beginning to look haggard.

I signed to him, telling him I loved him. He smiled wearily at me and signed that he loved me too. I gave him a kiss on the cheek and began to make my breakfast. I paused to ask him why he wasn’t at work yet. He told me that he didn’t have to go in until ten. He didn’t know why, his boss was just being nice for once. I smiled and got on with eating.

Helen trundled into the kitchen and gave me a cheeky smile.

“Good morning Jocelyn. Why are you awake?” she signed.

I shrugged. She smiled at me and went about getting herself something to eat. She plonked herself next to me just as I was finishing and began chatting away to Daddy. I began to lip read as to what sort of conversation they were having but it seemed that Helen was just babbling on about why she was looking forward to school today.

I washed up my bowl and went to fetch my things for school. By the time I got back downstairs, Helen was still chatting away and she wasn’t even dressed.

“Come on, hurry up. You want to get to school on time do you not?” I signed. She nodded and scampered away upstairs.

“Thank you,” signed Daddy. I smiled. He kissed the top of my head before disappearing up the stairs so he too could get dressed.

I didn’t really know what to do with myself. Normally, I’d be rushing around getting ready. It was strange having this spare time on my hands. I decided to help Helen get dressed. Maybe I’d do her hair in a French plait today.

I walked into her room and could see her singing along to her CD player again. I was surprised to find that she was almost fully dressed. I found her rucksack and began to pack her things for the day.

“Remember to brush your teeth,” I signed. She nodded and danced into the bathroom. I looked around her room and remembered when I’d helped Daddy and Mum to decorate it. We’d all had lots of fun. Daddy had been given the weekend off from work so we’d decided to do something together as a family. The walls were baby pink and a pink canopy hung above her bed. The small vanity table was cluttered with various accessories and her hairbrush. I picked it up as she waltzed into the room. She sat down in front of me without me having to ask.