The Fragile Fall (24 page)

He looked down at the ground before glancing up at me with a grin on his face. “Would you make fun of me if I told you I was too nervous to eat anything before we came out?”

“I wouldn’t make fun of you. I’d totally understand since I felt the same way.” I had practically gagged on my own dinner from nerves.

He laughed. “I kept telling myself there was no reason to be nervous. You and I have hung out a lot before.”

I couldn’t help but feel a little deflated that he referred to this as hanging out. Even though I had told myself over and over again that this was only us spending time together, I still had hope that this was something more. I tried to push the disappointment away so I could enjoy being out with him. It was just two friends hanging out and if it developed into something more, then that was great. If not, I would be glad to be better friends with Will.

At least that’s what I told myself.

We walked to our theater and picked seats at the back. Butterflies swarmed in my stomach. I knew it was completely innocent that we were in the back of the theater—Will wouldn’t think anything of it as anything other than a good place to sit and watch the movie—but all I could think about was kissing him. I missed kissing him so much. The two kisses we’d shared were amazing and I wished I could experience that again.

As we waited for the movie to start, I ate my box of candy and listened to Will talk about his first week back at school. It seemed like it had gone well. No one had given him a hard time about being gone for a month. In fact, no one had even really asked him about it.

I had never heard him talk this much. I enjoyed listening to him and watching him be so animated. The Will who had gone into the hospital had been quiet and serious. The Will who came out of the hospital was happier and more relaxed. I was so relieved. I was glad he had gotten the help he had needed.

Both boxes of candy were gone and we had made a decent dent in the popcorn by the time the lights dimmed and the previews started. As much as I wanted to be close to Will, I was terrified about this movie. Would I be able to sleep tonight? Or for the next week? I took a deep breath and tried to mentally prepare myself.

By the time the previews were over, I was gripping the armrests like my life depended on it. Why did the previews have to be so scary? Wasn’t it enough that the movie was going to scare me shitless? The creepy previews were complete overkill. Will was casually munching on popcorn while the candy swirled in my stomach. God, the movie hadn’t even started and I was ready to bolt. I wondered how Will was able to watch horror movies without them affecting him. There was no way he was allowed to watch them when he lived with his parents, so why was he totally fine while I was a complete mess?

I decided it would be best to try and distract myself, so I shoved handfuls of popcorn in my mouth and studied the bucket on my lap. It was impossible to make out any details, but it was better than watching the screen. I didn’t want to look like a wimp, so I controlled the urge to jump and scream every time something popped up on the screen, but I was having a hard time. I had just grabbed a handful of popcorn when the girl in the movie turned the corner and was met with the killer, causing me to scream and toss my popcorn in the air. Will chuckled and put his hand on my knee.

I forgot about the movie.

All I could think about was the heat coming from his palm and how he was actually touching me.

He tapped his fingers on my leg causing me to look up at him. When our eyes met, he smiled and leaned closer, pressing against the armrest separating us. Now I really couldn’t concentrate on the movie, but I didn’t want to spend the rest of the movie looking like a creep by staring at him, so I turned my attention back to the screen. Within seconds, I jumped and screamed again. Will laughed and moved his hand from my knee and put his arm across my shoulders. He took his free hand and held mine, running his thumb over the back of it. The next time something made me jump, Will pushed the armrest up and I scooted closer to him, burying my head against his chest. He put his arm back around me and held my hand. My heart was racing, but now from being so close to Will, not because of the movie. I closed my eyes and inhaled his scent, relaxing. I smiled against his chest as I heard his own heart racing. He wasn’t as unaffected as he liked to pretend.

When the movie was over, I reluctantly untangled myself from Will. He gathered our garbage and we exited the theater. Every noise caused me to jump and my heart to race.

Damn that movie.

Then I remembered the way it felt to be held by Will.

Loved that movie.

I was a mess of contradictions. From drinking my large drink, I had to pee, but I was terrified to go in the women’s room by myself. “I have to go to the bathroom,” I said, looking longingly at the bathroom.

“So go.”

I leaned into his side. “I’m scared.”

“There’s nothing to be scared of, Ry.” He kissed the side of my head. “I’ll wait outside and beat up anyone who wants to hurt you.”

I smiled. There was no way I was going to be able to avoid my feelings for Will much longer. “Okay. I’ll be right back.” After finishing in the bathroom, I hurried out to Will and pressed myself into his side.

He put his arm around me. “I take it you didn’t like the movie.”

“I wouldn’t go that far. It just scared the shit out of me.”

He chuckled. “I couldn’t tell. In fact, I think everyone in that theater would be surprised to know you were scared, especially the people in front of us who got at least three popcorn showers.”

“Shut up.” I tried to be upset, but I smiled.

God.

I really, really liked being around him.

When we got back to my house, Will walked me to the door and kissed my cheek. “Thanks for going out with me tonight. It was fun.”

“Thanks for inviting me. I had a great time.”

He hugged me and walked back to his car, moving it into his driveway next door. I didn’t go inside until he was inside his own house, not wanting the night to end. It had been the best non-date I had ever been on and I hoped we were able to go out again.

Soon.

Will

H
ANGING
OUT
WITH
R
Y
had gone better than I could have hoped. Picking a scary movie had been great since it meant I spent most of it holding her. She felt perfect in my arms. I was trying to think up another reason to go out with her.

I was driving myself to my therapy appointment. I loved the freedom I felt being able to drive myself and knowing Aunt Liv trusted me enough to not only let me leave the house alone, but to also drive her car was amazing. I went from having no freedom to having a lot. It was an adjustment, but I liked it. I felt like a normal person instead of someone who needed to be monitored and told what to do.

I had only been out of the hospital a week and a half, but I was doing really well. Dr. Thomas even said she was surprised with my progress. Normally, people have trouble adjusting to life outside of the hospital, but the support I got from Aunt Liv, Ryanne, and Jax was helping me. This past weekend, Jax had taken me to play laser tag when I’d told him I was feeling anxious and wanted to cut. He didn’t ask questions or give me a hard time; he just grabbed his keys and coat and told me to follow him. By the time we’d finished playing laser tag and eating dinner, I had forgotten all about my anxiety and the urge to cut.

I was so incredibly lucky to have the support system I had.

I was so incredibly lucky to have these people in my life.

Period.

Sometimes I woke up feeling depressed and full of guilt about what happened with my parents. I missed them every day and it was hard to deal, but I was able to cope without harming myself. Jax and Ryanne may not have been my family by blood, but I considered them family. They were the family I chose, which was just as important as the family by blood. And Aunt Liv had become my biggest supporter. She was willing to do anything to help me out and I would be forever grateful to her.

I was called back to Dr. Thomas’s office and took a seat. She sat and grabbed her notepad. “Hi, Will. How have you been since we last met?”

I had been here before going out with Ry since I was still seeing her three times a week. She told me I would probably have to come more frequently for a while before cutting back to two times a week. I was fine with that as long as I kept doing well I was willing to do whatever it took. “I’ve been really good.”

“Good. How did it go with Ryanne last week?”

I told her about the non-date and how well it had gone. She listened and wrote on her paper, only interrupting to ask questions once in a while. By the time I’d finished telling her about it, I was smiling.

“It sounds like you both had a great time.”

“We did.”

“Where are you going to go from here?”

“I’m not sure. I mean, I’d love to go out with her again, but I’m not sure if I’m ready to get into a relationship.”

“What’s holding you back?”

This was the major question. I knew what was holding me back and I was afraid of what Dr. Thomas would say. “I’m scared.”

“That’s completely natural. Almost everyone that wants to begin a relationship feels some amount of fear or at least nervousness.”

“I know, but I’m afraid that I’m not enough for her. I’ve only been out of the hospital for a week and I still have so much work to do. Ryanne deserves to have someone who isn’t broken. I’m too broken to offer her anything.”

She looked at me and raised an eyebrow. “What makes you think you’re broken?”

“The fact that a month and a half ago, my friends found me on the bathroom floor bleeding to death. I killed my parents—”

“I’m going to stop you right there, Will. You did not kill your parents. They died in a terrible, tragic
accident.
You did not kill them.”

I sighed. Dr. Thomas and I had been over this when I was in the hospital, but it was a hard thought to let go of. The majority of the time, I knew I hadn’t killed them, but sometimes the self-doubt and guilt crawled in and made me feel like I was an awful murderer. “Okay, so my parents died as a result of my poor decision making. I don’t feel healed yet and I’m not sure what I can offer her.”

“Due to the
accident
, your healing process may take years. Are you prepared to stay alone for however long that takes? You’re allowed to have a relationship.” She leaned forward. “You aren’t broken, Will. You are a survivor. You may have some scratches and dents, but you are far from broken. If you were broken, we wouldn’t be able to have this conversation because you would be heavily sedated in a hospital.”

I wasn’t broken.
Maybe beat up, but not broken. That changed things for me. I kept that in the back of my mind through the rest of the appointment, wondering what that could mean for my relationship with Ryanne.

I had just gotten home from movie night with Jax and Ry. We’d watched a crime drama and I couldn’t help feeling disappointed. There was no reason to hold her if it wasn’t scary.

Throughout the night, I kept brushing against her; I couldn’t seem to stop touching her or finding reasons to be near her. In fact, all week when I saw her, I had done the same thing. I walked close to her so that our hands would brush against each other, or I’d tuck hair behind her ear, pulling her into me and kissing the top of her head.