The Forever Song (15 page)

“So, that…really wasn’t Zeke?” I snatched at the only ray of hope I could find in this horrible situation. “He didn’t act like that because he wanted to?”

“Yes and no.” Kanin sighed. “It depends on his state of mind, and how strong the compulsion is. It could be that Ezekiel’s memories have been repressed, that he is fighting the compulsion. That somewhere deep inside, he still retains a sense of who he is. Or…” Kanin paused, then went on in a grim voice. “Or it could be that Sarren shattered his mind completely, drove him to madness, and remade him into the vampire you saw in the tower. If that is the case, then you won’t be able to reach him, because there is nothing left of the boy you once knew.”

I squeezed my eyes shut as stupid bloody tears stung the corners and leaked from under my lids. “But…there could be a chance, right?” I whispered, looking back up at Kanin, who regarded me with pity and not much hope. I didn’t care. I refused to believe Zeke was gone. “I won’t leave him like that, Kanin,” I said stubbornly. “Now that I know he’s alive…”

“What would you do, even if you could reach him?” the Master vampire asked gently. “Ezekiel never wanted to be a vampire. He would have rather died than Turn. Even if his mind is still intact and you somehow manage to break the compulsion, what then? Do you think he could live as one of us, feeding on humans, preying on those around him? It would destroy him, Allison. He wouldn’t be able to live with himself.” His voice softened even more, though I hated him for saying it, knowing he was right. “If you do face Ezekiel again, I think you know what you have to do.”

I turned away from my sire and rose, unable to look at him anymore. Despair weighed me down, heavy and suffocating, and I pressed my forehead to the stone wall, trying to keep the awful rage and grief in check. Dammit! What did Kanin want from me? I’d followed his rules. I’d tried to find the balance between human and monster. I’d done everything I could think of to fight the demon, to not give in, to keep some semblance of humanity. Even though it was hard, it hurt like hell, and all I had to show for it was a broken heart.

I’d promised Zeke I would keep fighting the monster. And I would. But now, Kanin was asking me to destroy the one thing that kept me human, the only thing I had ever truly wanted for myself.

But, even through the anger and grief, and the stubborn voice inside me shouting protests, I knew he was right. Zeke had never wanted to be a vampire. And as shocking and confusing as my own Turning had been, I couldn’t imagine what it must be like having Sarren for a sire. I remembered those first few days with Kanin, his careful, patient lessons as he taught me how to be a vampire, and that had still been terrifying even when I’d
chosen
to Turn. There was no telling what Sarren had done to Zeke, what he’d made him do. Maybe Sarren
had
twisted his mind beyond repair, and the Zeke I’d known was truly gone, replaced with that cold, ruthless killer I’d seen in the tower. A spawn in Sarren’s own image.

If that was the case, if Zeke really was lost…then he’d be better off dead. I thought of everything I’d had to learn as a vampire: the feeding, the bloodlust, the constant struggle with the Hunger. It had been hard, and there had been many nights when I’d questioned my decision to become a monster, knowing I would struggle with my choice for eternity. I tried to imagine Zeke—gentle, compassionate, selfless Zeke— forcing himself to hunt and kill his once fellow humans…and couldn’t. Kanin was, as always, right. The most merciful thing would be to destroy Zeke now. He would want it that way.

I just didn’t know if I could do it.

Numb, I gazed around for my sword, feeling the empty sheath against my back, light and disconcerting. When I didn’t immediately find it, I panicked for a moment…before I remembered. It had been left behind when Kanin jumped out the window with me. My weapon was still on the top floor of the tower…with Zeke.

And then, I remembered something else.

“Where’s Jackal?” I whispered, spinning toward Kanin as he rose, his shoulders slumped. The last thing I remembered from before I’d blacked out in Kanin’s arms was Jackal, surrounded by raiders, struck down with a crossbow bolt, and Zeke advancing on him. Kanin gave me a look that was full of regret.

“He’s not here, Allison. He didn’t make it out of the city.”

No.
I clenched my fists, refusing to believe it.
No, not Jackal. He can’t be dead; he always makes it out.

On impulse, I reached out for Jackal’s presence, searching for him through our blood tie. Suddenly terrified, I braced myself to feel nothing, solid proof that my infuriating, inscrutable blood brother was no longer in the world. That something had finally killed him.

There was a pulse, and I closed my eyes in relief. It was faint and erratic, like the dying heartbeats of a bird, but it was there. Desperately, I followed it, needing to see open sky, to get out of this suffocating tomb. The steps were blocked with decades of rubble and stone, but a hole in the floor led down into an ancient, rusty pipe, which eventually emptied into a storm drain. I crawled from the opening and found myself at the edge of the lake, cold water sloshing at my boots.

From where I stood, I couldn’t see Jackal’s old city, but I could feel him, that faint tug from somewhere over the turbulent waters, telling me he was still out there.

Headlights suddenly pierced the darkness, and I shrank back as three raiders cruised out of the shadows, one after the other, riding along the edge of the lake. They vanished down another street, the growl of their engines fading into the night, but I knew what they were searching for.

“They come by every few hours, searching along the water’s edge,” Kanin said, emerging from the pipe. “There are more in the ruins, going through buildings and empty houses, looking for us. Thankfully, they have not found this place yet, but they know we are still in the city.”

“How?” I asked.

“Because not all of them make it back,” Kanin replied gravely, and looked down at me. “You were badly hurt, Allison. You needed blood, and a lot of it, to have a chance of coming out of hibernation. The lake’s edge was a good spot to take shelter; it allowed for easy disposal of the bodies. But they’ve noticed that their numbers have slowly dwindled, and they now patrol the city in groups of at least three.” His mouth thinned in a humorless smile. “It appears Ezekiel is not about to let us go.”

Zeke.
I forced my thoughts away from him, trying to suppress the horror of the task before me. I would deal with that when I faced him again. I would not think of him now, because then I would fall apart.

“Jackal is still out there,” I muttered. Kanin nodded grimly.

“Yes, he’s still alive,” my sire agreed. “I feel him, too. But he hasn’t moved in two days, and I fear where he might’ve ended up. I believe he is somewhere deep within the flooded city, unable to move or feed himself.” Kanin’s eyes narrowed in the direction the bikes had gone. “It seems they have not found him yet, but he will not be able to hide forever. And there is still the matter of Sarren.” His gaze grew distant and troubled. “This was likely his plan all along, to slow us down, give himself more distance and time. He is likely very close to Eden now, if he has not already arrived.”

I bit my lip. “We…we’re going back for him, right?” I asked, and Kanin glanced down at me, his expression blank. “We can’t leave him behind, Kanin,” I argued. “I know he’s a bastard, and he’d probably leave us if he were in the same situation, but…” I trailed off with a helpless gesture, unable to explain. I felt empty and defeated, weighed down with despair, the knowledge of what I had to do: destroy the evil thing Zeke had become. I was so tired of it. I didn’t want to lose anyone else, not even Jackal. He was ruthless, infuriating, selfish, and would sell us out without a second thought, but he was my brother, the only family I had left besides Kanin. “I’m going back for him,” I whispered, trying to keep my voice steady under my sire’s steady gaze. “You don’t have to come. Keep going to Eden. Find Sarren, stop the plague. That’s always been your objective. I understand.” I swallowed hard as he continued to stare at me, unblinking. “But I’m going back for Jackal.”
And Zeke
.

Kanin cocked his head at me, appraising. “Is it worth it?” he asked, making me frown. “Two lives for the rest of the world?” he continued. “Are you willing to sacrifice everything to save one and destroy another?”

“What do you—”

“Answer the question, Allison,” Kanin continued in a quiet but ruthless voice. “I want you to understand exactly what you are deciding, right now. If we return to the city for Jackal and Ezekiel, Sarren could reach Eden, complete whatever he is planning, and unleash a virus that could destroy everything. And if that happens, everything we’ve done here will be for nothing. Do you understand that?”

I blinked at him. “We?”

Kanin sighed. “I cannot take Sarren alone,” he said in a matter-of-fact voice. “If we are to have any hope of stopping him, we must face him together. But, regardless of that, I refuse to leave one of us behind, even one as volatile as him. I created him. I am responsible for his life. So, you will not be going into the city after James, Allison. I will.”

I blinked in shock. He peered down, dark gaze boring into me. “I just want you to understand the potential consequences of tonight,” he went on. “If we are killed, if we cannot get to Sarren in time, everything could die. It will be like it was sixty years ago. You aren’t old enough to remember the days Before, but when Red Lung was at its peak, the entire world was madness and chaos. And when the rabids appeared, it became hell on earth.” Kanin paused, brows drawing together as he gazed at the ruined city around us. “It is…a very heavy weight to carry, Allison, the damnation of a world. I want you to be very certain, before we go any further. Is it worth it? Is
he
worth it?”

His words chilled me, but I already knew my answer. It was selfish, it was unreasonable, and I knew it was the wrong choice. But I looked up at Kanin, into his impassive face, and whispered, “Yes.”

“You are willing to let others die for this. To let Sarren win.”

“He won’t win,” I said. “You and Jackal will get to him in time, I know you will. But…I have to do this, Kanin.” Turning, I gazed over the dark lake, feeling Jackal’s faint glimmer of life, and the ugly yawning decision that awaited me with Zeke. “I won’t leave Zeke like that. He’s suffering, even if he doesn’t realize it. If it were me, you’d do the same.”

“And how do you expect to fight him?” Kanin asked softly. “Your weapon is gone.”

“I don’t know,” I muttered, feeling a sharp pang of loss at the reminder. I missed my sword; without the familiar weight across my back I felt oddly naked and incomplete. “I’ll find something, I guess. A pipe, a broken bottle. The end of a stick, it doesn’t matter.”

Kanin sighed. Without a word, he stepped close, took my wrist, and placed the sheath of his thin, razor-sharp dagger into my palm. I blinked as he wrapped my fingers around it, the blade light and lethal in my hand, and looked up at him.

“Kanin, I can’t—”

“Take it, Allison.” Kanin pulled his arm back, leaving the blade and sheath gripped loosely in my fingers. “You will need something to defend yourself with, as I am not coming with you. If you insist upon facing Ezekiel alone, I will not send you into battle empty-handed.”

I swallowed the lump in my throat. “I’ll return it, Kanin. I swear.”

Kanin raised a hand. “Just listen a moment, Allison. Before we take another step, I want you to be very sure of what you’re about to do.” He gazed down at me, his eyes and face dark, his mouth pulled into a grim line. “We have done exactly what Sarren wanted, what he planned for us, every step of the way. It was never random chance that you found Ezekiel. He was put here to stop us—his orders were likely to kill us all, keep us from reaching Eden. But Sarren specifically left him behind for
you,
Allison. And Ezekiel will be his most dangerous creation, because he knows you so well.” Kanin’s gaze narrowed. “No matter what he says, no matter what you tell yourself, you must remember that your human is gone. And the thing Sarren left behind is just a twisted mockery of Ezekiel Crosse.”

I bit my lip to stop the stinging in my eyes, struggled to keep my voice from cracking. “I know,” I almost snarled. “I know he’s gone. Why are you telling me this now?”

“Because I want your eyes to be fully open,” my sire replied. “You must know what you are walking into. You cannot let your feelings for Ezekiel cloud your judgment. He will try to kill you, Allison. And he will succeed if you are not fully prepared to end his life.” His gaze sharpened, cutting into me. “Are you absolutely certain you can do this?”

No,
I thought in despair.
But I won’t leave him…like that.
“Yes,” I told Kanin, and my voice was almost steady. The

Master vampire regarded me a moment longer, then nodded. “Then this is where we will part,” he stated, turning toward the lake. A cold wind hissed across the water, tugging at our hair and clothes, as Kanin’s dark gaze swept over the vastness before us. “I am unsure where Jackal is,” he murmured.

“I simply know that our blood tie will lead me to him. But I don’t know what state he will be in when I find him, if he is in hibernation, severely wounded, or close to Blood Frenzy. It might take me a while to locate his body, and even longer to help him. We might be separated for a good length of time.” I didn’t like the idea of splitting up, but there was no better choice. Jackal had to be found, and I had to face Zeke.

Better that Kanin find the raider king and get them both out of Old Chicago. That way, if I died—if Zeke killed me—at least they would still have a chance of stopping Sarren. And even that seemed like a long shot now. Time was slipping away from us; Sarren might’ve already gotten to Eden and destroyed the only hope left for the rest of the world. We might already be too late.

“Where will you go from here?” Kanin asked, turning back to me. I shrugged.

“Back to the city, I guess. Unless you think Zeke is riding around with the patrols?”