The First Three Rules (24 page)

Jon looked back at the truck.

You raped him.

“No.”

Why? Because he said yes? Don’t you get it? Hasn’t it sunk in yet? Quiet little Ellis. Shy little Ellis. He may have all his faculties, but he’s nothing but a child. You might as well be fucking his brother.

Everything swam and Jon stumbled across the living room. His leg hit the end table knocking over the lamp and his shoulder smacked the wall. He held on.

Now you get it. Now you know what a sick bastard you are.

“He’s a grown man.”

Do you think so? Do you reeeeally think so?

Did he? Jon clenched his eyes shut.

Images of Ellis under him flashed through his mind.
.

Sweat on his cheeks.

Tears.

Skin flushed pink with pleasure.

Pain.

Lips parted, breathing ragged.

Screaming.

Adoration in his blue-grey eyes.

Fear.

Jon pressed the heel of his palm against his temple. “Stop it.”

Why? Can’t take the truth?

“It didn’t happen like that.”

Are you sure, Jon? You have a bad habit of seeing things that aren’t there. Are you sure you see a grown man?

He did. He had to. He wouldn’t.

Get the gun Jon.

“No.”

It’s in the drawer, waiting.

“No.”

Jon jerked away from the wall. Forget the clothes, forget everything, he had to get out of here. He stumbled and landed on the couch.

The phone rang.

Don’t answer it.

It kept ringing.

Ignore it Jon. You have more important things to do.

The answering machine picked up.

Mike’s voice came over the speaker. “Jon, if you’re there, for God’s sake, pick up.”

Reality snapped into place and the fear, the guilt, the shame, vanished.

“Jon. If you don’t pick up I’m going to call the local PD. If you don’t want to talk, fine. But I need to know you’re okay.”

He scrubbed the tears out of his eyes.

“I’m at the office today. Please ca—”

Jon grabbed the receiver, “Mike?” The only sound was the dial tone. “Shit.” The sinkhole of anxiety threatened to open again. Jon dialed. It rang once. The line picked up.

“Hello?”

Somehow he kept his voice steady. “It’s me.”

“Jon? Jesus Christ, where the hell have you been? I’ve been calling you for over a week. Are you all right?”

“I’m fine.”

“You’re not drinking, are you?”

“Of course not.” He sniffled and cleared his throat.

“Are you sick?”

…what a sick bastard you are…

Jon squeezed the receiver.

“Jon?”

“I’m here. Yeah. It’s just a head cold. Nothing serious.”

“Then why haven’t you been answering your phone?”

“I didn’t mean to make you worry. I haven’t been home much.”

“Why not?”

Jon leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees.

“Are you sure you’re okay?

“Yeah, yeah. I’m just…” He cleared his throat. “I’m really sorry I didn’t call you. A friend needed some help, so I’ve been staying at his place.”

“Must have needed a lot of help, if you stayed over a week.”

“He did. He had a concussion and couldn’t drive. There was no other family to keep an eye on him. Doctor wouldn’t let him go home unless someone was around to wake him up every few hours.”

“Does your friend have a name?”

“Huh? Yeah. Ellis.” Jon closed his eyes and saw Ellis smile. Tension bled out of his bones.

“And he’s just a friend?”

“Yeah, no. I mean, I guess he’s more than a friend.”

Mike’s sigh rattled the speaker. “That’s great, Jon, I’m happy for you. It’s important that you build a support system. By doing that, you’re learning to trust in yourself and your judgment. These are very important steps in coming to terms with what you’ve been through.”

Jon scrubbed a hand over his face. “Yeah, about that judgment part.”

“What about it?”

“I’m not so sure I…” He leaned back and stared at the ceiling. Dust covered cobwebs danced on invisible eddies of air. “I need some advice. But I need some honest advice.”

“Do I ever give you anything different?”

“No.”

“All right then.”

“Do you think…” Jon dug his fingers into his thigh. He inhaled. He exhaled.

“You have to ask the question before I can answer it.”

“Do you think a person can be cognitively normal and yet still a child and incapable of making trustworthy decisions?”

“That’s a little vague, don’t you think?”

“Just answer the question.”

“Absolutely.”

A hole opened up in Jon’s chest and the pain made him struggle for air.

“Jon…”

He bit his lip and tasted blood.

“Jon, are you alright?”

His eyes burned.

“Jon…”

“I…” He forced the tremor out of his voice. “I think I might have done something terrible.”

“What do you mean?”

Jon squeezed his eyes shut and a tear ran down his cheek. “Ellis.”

“What about him?”

“He lost his parents when he was around twelve. He has an older brother who’s reta—I mean mentally…not normal, you know?”

“Mentally disabled?”

“Yeah… He took care of him, Mike. He took care of everything after his parents died. And in order to do that he’s been pretty much isolated from everything.”

“What’s the brother’s cognitive level?”

“I don’t know a whole lot about kids.”

“Guess.”

“Four, maybe five.”

“So there’s no way he could take care of himself on his own.”

“No.”

“And you say Ellis was twelve?”

“Yeah.”

“Why wasn’t he put in foster care?”

“The sheriff at the time was a family friend. They would have split them up. Rudy—that’s the brother—would have wound up in a home. Technically, Rudy was old enough to be Ellis’s guardian. The sheriff and his wife checked in on him. Gave him rides into town, that sort of thing. But Ellis is independent and he didn’t want help taking care of his brother.” Jon blew out a breath. “Because of that I don’t think Ellis had a chance to grow up.”

“Okay.”

“I might have pushed myself on him.”

A chair squeaked in the background. “Explain what you mean by ‘pushed yourself.’”

“I came on to him. He panicked. I mean, at first, he seemed okay then…God, Mike. If I hadn’t stopped, I would have raped him.”

“But you did stop.”

“Yes. But he came back to me later on and…you know.”

“You had sex.”

How did that one word suddenly make Jon feel dirty? He nodded, then remembered Mike wasn’t there to see it. “We did.” His voice cracked.

“But he came to you.”

“Yes.”

“And he made it clear he wanted to be with you.”

Jon had been so sure Ellis wanted him. Now he didn’t know.

“I should have told him no.”

“Why do you say that?”

“I don’t think he understood. I’m scared that he’s nothing but a kid.”

“Even mentally impaired people can have a relationship, Jon.”

“He’s not… There’s nothing wrong with Ellis’s mind, he’s sharp as a tack, he just doesn’t know about the world. Or, at least, much of it. They don’t watch TV beyond G rated movies for his brother, no magazines, not even the paper. Ellis pretty well keeps the place sterile of anything that has pictures Rudy might see because he’s easily upset.”

“A lot of mentally impaired individuals are sensitive to their surroundings.” Mike’s voice muffled then cleared. What sounded like paper being moved around followed. “It’s not uncommon. Small things that we acclimate to can frighten them. Someone cognitively young will often emulate their surroundings, just like a child.”

“I get that. But Ellis has been in that same environment. I slept with a man who couldn’t possibly know what he wants or be able to make adult decisions.”

Mike chuckled. “Now, why on earth would you think that?”

Jon didn’t until now. Until he set foot in this place and his guilt rose out of nowhere. He was so used to the quiet of Ellis’s house, he’d almost forgotten about how loud the thoughts in his head could be. But now the voice was back and it forced him to examine the things he did. Ugly, terrible, selfish things.

“He hasn’t had a chance to grow up.”

“You said that already, but I don’t understand why you would.”

“The sex, for one thing. He never…”

“So you think this because he was a virgin?”

“No…yes…I mean… Damn it, Mike.” Jon stood and paced the cramped living room, made smaller by the dark walls and ancient bronze carpet. “It’s more than that. It’s the way he moves, his facial expressions, his reactions. He can hardly look me in the eye when he talks to me.”

“Jon. I have news for you. When I met you, I could hardly look you in the eye. You’re intimidating. That’s just you.”

“This is different. He’s soft. Gentle. I’ve never been attracted to a man who’s been …”

“Effeminate?”

“He’s not Effeminate. He’s just…innocent.” Jon’s knees folded and he sat on the coffee table. “I basically had sex with a boy.”

“I still don’t understand why you think that.”

“I told you.”

“What you’ve described to me is a resourceful and highly intelligent man. Someone who, at the age most kids are playing video games, was paying the bills and watching over his mentally disabled brother.”

“You don’t understand.” How could he? He didn’t know Ellis. He never saw the gentleness in his eyes.

“No, I think you’re the one who doesn’t understand. Can Ellis read and write?”

“Yes, of course.”

“Who taught him?”

“He said he went to the library. They have some sort of tutoring system.”

“Can he drive?”

“Sure.”

“And who taught him to do that?”

Jon hadn’t thought about it. “Sheriff Marsh, maybe? I don’t know. Knowing Ellis he taught himself.”

“Alright. So you have a man who raised himself and took care of his brother from the age of twelve, and you think he’s a child? Jon, he’s got his life together better than eighty percent of adults who have a college education and have traveled the world. He has his life put together better than you.”

“Life is about more than having things together, it’s experiences and he hasn’t had them. Going into that house is like walking into a bubble.”

“Because of his brother.”

“I’m sure it is, but—”

“Jon, being innocent and living in a bubble doesn’t make someone a child. From what you’ve told me, Ellis gave up his life to protect Rudy from a world he can’t deal with. That’s dedication most traditionally raised adults are incapable of.”

It was more than dedication. It was love. Ellis loved in a way Jon could only imagine. A few grains weighed more than anything Jon ever gave out. Ellis didn’t even know him and he was willing to share something that precious.

“You don’t think I took advantage of him?”

“Absolutely not.”

Jon slumped. “Are you sure?”

“Hang on.” The phone muffled again and Mike spoke to someone in the background. A door pulled shut with a thump. “Okay, sorry about that. No, I don’t think you took advantage of him. Just because he hasn’t been exposed to the ugly things in this world does not mean he’s not capable of making life choices.”

And there were so many ugly things. Many of which Jon wished he could erase from his mind or, at least, the minds of the victims who experienced them.

The chair squeaked again. “Are you all right now?”

“I think so. I just…I care about him, you know? I don’t want to screw this up. What if this doesn’t work?”

“Then like any relationship, you part ways. It will probably hurt him more than you, but that’s life.”

“I don’t want to hurt him.” He’d already hurt too many.

“I know. But you don’t need to focus on what could happen. Think of the now. Jon, you have given this man an incredible gift. You’ve brought to him a little bit of the world. You might have even saved him in some ways. I have a feeling he’s also saved you.”

If only Mike knew how deep those words went. “Thank you.”

“Are we good?”

“We’re always good.”

“Sometimes I wonder.” Mike laughed. “I mean, you don’t return my phone calls. I feel kind of put out.”

Jon smiled for the first time in what felt like forever. “I said I’m sorry. I promise to do better.”

“I’ll hold you to that. Take care of yourself, Jon. And I’m always here if you need me.”

“You too.”

Jon turned off the receiver.

In the silence, fear tickled Jon’s spine. He needed to empty the trash but he needed to get out of here and back into the sunlight. Back into a world where there was Ellis. The place Jon’s self loathing had no power.

He grabbed a duffle bag from the bedroom closet.

Face it Jon. You’re gonna fuck up and ruin another person’s life.

“Shut up.” Jon yanked the dresser drawer so fast it fell onto the floor, spilling his clothes. He didn’t even look at what he grabbed.

Truth hurts, doesn’t it? Well here’s another one for you. You’re a selfish bastard. Ellis has enough on his plate and now you’re going to add yourself to the load.

But Jon didn’t want to give up Ellis. He made Jon want to live.

Was it luck that day in the park? Or had it been something else telling him he wasn’t done yet and giving him a reason to keep fighting?

What? You think God saved your ass? When the hell did you start believing in God? Where was God when your brother put the noose around his neck? Where was God when all those people were slaughtered?. Bodies fell like rain, Jon. Your best friend died. All because you lost your mind.

Jon clutched a shirt in his trembling hand.

You don’t deserve to be happy.

Maybe not, but Ellis did.

Jon kept packing.

If being there made Ellis’s life better, Jon would stay.

He doesn’t know what he wants. He’s never had the chance, remember?

Mike had said otherwise.

What does he know? He wasn’t there. Don’t be a selfish bastard, Jon.

What if Mike was right and Jon was there to save Ellis as much as Ellis had saved him?

Don’t be stupid, what could you save him from?