The Final Piece (12 page)

“Pretty.”

***

I stare at the concert tickets in my hand, wondering if this is really a good idea or not. I don’t want them anymore, it just adds to the constant frustration of wishing Beth were here. It’s been a month since she left and nothing I do can fill the hole she left. Tommy is eyeing me curiously; at least he hasn’t been harassing me about my bad mood.

“You know for the Jedi Mind Trick to work ‘
Clear your mind must be,
’” Tommy snickers. “I assume that is what you are shooting for because I can’t think of another reason you’d be staring at those tickets for the last fifteen minutes.”

“O wise Yoda,” I roll my eyes and laugh. “I’m gonna go see if Lori wants these tickets, I’m tired of hanging onto them. I’m not going to use them, anyway.” The more I try to act like it’s no big deal, the closer Tommy’s eyebrows get to his hairline.

“You really want to bark up that tree? You know that girl’s had the hots for you since you rescued her Frisbee from the roof,” Tommy smirks.

“We were in sixth grade, T. I’m pretty sure she’s over it by now,” I grumble, walking away.

“All right, whatever you say, Ry,” Tommy chuckles.

I roll my eyes as I open the front door and head across the street to Lori’s house. I can’t believe Tommy. I climbed the trellis five years ago when Lori’s Frisbee got stuck. It’s not like it was yesterday or even last year, it’s over and I never gave Lori any reason to pine after me. I’ve been pretty clear that I’m not interested in her that way. I stare at her door when a sudden urge to run strikes me. I’m about to turn around and head back across the street when the door swings wide.

“Hey, Ryan,” Lori smiles sweetly at me. She’s a cute girl, petite with black, curly hair. Not hard on the eyes by any stretch, just not my type. Who am I kidding? If you aren’t Beth, you’re not my type. I should’ve run when I had the chance.

“Hey, Lori,” I mumble,” listen, I have a couple of tickets to the Brutal Strength concert this weekend, and I’m not using them so I thought maybe you’d like to have them.” I shift nervously as Lori’s eyes widen and her hands come up to cover her mouth.

“Ryan Cantwell, are you finally asking me out? I don’t believe it,” she beams. She bounds down the steps to where I stand, looking like she’s about to throw her arms around me.

“
Whoa. Wait
,” I shout, throwing my hands out in front of me to stop her momentum. ”I meant both tickets are yours to ask whomever you’d like. ‘I’m not using them’ means I don’t want to go.” I cringe when my words come out harsher than I intend. “I’m sorry, Lori. I didn’t mean for you to think I was asking you out.”

She stands in front of me with her arms across her chest and her hip jutted out to the side, all attitude. “It’s because of Gran and Pops’ granddaughter, right?” She narrows her eyes at me. ”Beth?” The least I can do is offer up the truth.

“Yes, they were for Beth. Since she went back home, we can’t use the tickets and I would rather not hang onto them.” I sigh.

I should have never taken my eyes off of Lori, because an instant later her arms are latched tightly around my waist, her head pressed against my chest.

“Oh, Ry, that is so sad! You should go with me, I’ll cheer you up,” she croons.

I push at her shoulders to get her to release me and when she finally looks up at me, I swear she has stars in her eyes.

“You know, this was a bad idea. I’m sorry, Lori.” Without another word, I turn and jog back across the street. Of all the stupid ideas I’ve had, this one takes the prize. As I make my way up to the house, I see Tommy watching from the front window. Great. All I need, a witness. When I walk through the front door, I walk past Tommy, refusing to acknowledge him.

“The force is strong in that one,” Tommy laughs.

“Oh, bite me.” I grumble.

Chapter 21

BETH

A year sounds like a lot of time, but it’s really not. It’s a gateway between tenth and eleventh grade, it’s time spent getting to know my parents for the first time, time to realize they aren’t the monsters I want them to be. A year has taught me that really great people make stupid mistakes sometimes. My parents are good people. They aren’t perfect, but they’re mine. Despite everything, they love me. A year has shown me that just because my parents don’t love me the way I need them to, doesn’t mean they don’t love me with everything they have.

Pops has always been the first to tell me—
you plant your own garden instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
In other words, take responsibility for your own needs and your own happiness. Learning to do that has made it easier to forgive them and move on.

“
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much, so you decorate your own soul and plant your own garden instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers
.” I sigh, wistfully.

“Where did you hear that?” Dave stares at me in wonder.

“Pops.” A smile creeps across my face as I think of my grandfather. “He quotes lines from that poem all the time.”

“It’s a poem? Would you share the whole thing with me?” Dave scoots to the edge of his seat and leans toward me.

I recite “After Awhile” by Veronica Shoffstall from memory. I never get tired of hearing the words and every time I do, it fills me with strength.

Dave blows out an audible breath and runs his hands through his hair. “Beth, you should really think about sharing that at Al-Anon. I think a lot of people in your group would identify with it.”

Despite my best efforts, I really like Dave. He’s been great with helping me and my folks develop a relationship, and he has been a great listener when it comes to my frustration with them. He even got me involved with Al-Anon, which I fought tooth and nail. He didn’t let up, he even escorted me to the first few meetings until he felt I wouldn’t bail. I hated the thought of spilling my guts to a bunch of kids I didn’t know, but Dave was right, I got a lot out of going. It helped knowing that the feelings I was having weren’t unusual and there were other kids my age struggling with newly sober parents. I even found my best friend, Charlie, there.

“I don’t know, Dave,” I waver, ”that’s a little too personal for a crowd.”

“Just think about it, ok?” He pats my knee and is off to the next topic. That is one thing I really appreciate about Dave, he doesn’t pressure me. He’ll come back to the topic but he always gives me room to mull it over beforehand. “So, just one more week before you’re off to Des Moines.” He leaves the end of his statement hanging, unsure of what I’m willing to talk about today. I give him a non-committal grunt in response. ”Beth, I think there are some things we need to talk about before you leave. You haven’t seen Ryan in a year, and we should really talk about some safe boundaries with him. I don’t want to see you get hurt.”

This is one of those topics that never get easier to talk about. Eleven months of arguing with Dave and my parents over the place he has in my heart. Here we go again.

“Give it a rest, Dave,” I grumble, “he’s not even going to be there.” I’ve known since the spring that Ryan was spending the summer in Iowa City, getting settled in and starting classes at The University of Iowa. Knowing it doesn’t do squat for the disappointment that sends tears spilling down my cheeks. “You can rest assured, now. I won’t see Ryan again.” Dave hands me a box of Kleenex and waits quietly while I cry.

“You may not see him again, but we still need to talk about him. Ryan has become an unattainable ideal that has effectively kept all other boys at bay. You hold him up on a pedestal, Beth. It’s not good for you or Ryan, not even he can live up to the expectation you’ve created.”

Dave’s words rip off the scabs of wounds that refuse to heal. It’s hard to argue with his logic, I understand where he is coming from, but I wish he could see it through my eyes. I even understand my mother’s initial concern—fifteen is too young to feel the way I do about Ryan, fifteen is too young to decide what you want for the rest of your life.

In most instances, I would agree with them but I’m not most instances. My story is unique and while I’m young, I’m more seasoned than most thirty year olds. I’ve seen enough and experienced enough to have a pretty good understanding of the world. I’ve got room to grow in my maturity but my view of the world and what I want out of it isn’t going to change much. No matter how hard Dave and my parents press, I’ll never stop wanting Ryan. He owns a piece of my heart and no amount of dating around can change that.

“Did my parents put you up to this?” I chuckle through my tears, “My mom was so pissed that she didn’t get to dress me up for prom.”

“Would that have been so bad? Why didn’t you go to prom, Beth? I know Charlie asked you,” Dave smirks at me and raises his eyebrow. I meet Dave’s glare with annoyance: Charlie is my best friend.

“That was a pity date and I’m not some charity case, Dave.” I narrow my eyes at him. It pisses me off that he would taint my friendship with Charlie with his innuendo. “Charlie is my best friend and he didn’t want me to miss out on prom if I wanted to go, which I didn’t. Prom is for couples not for buddies, and I especially don’t want to muck up my friendship with him by making him think that I’m interested in him like that. You know, Dave,” I mock,” those pesky boundaries you harass me about all the time. I would think you’d be proud of me.” I fold my arms and wait for his psychoanalysis.

“Beth, I know that Charlie is your friend and I know how important that is to you. I’m not asking you to jeopardize that. I’m only asking that you evaluate your motives. You care about him more than you let on and I don’t want you to ignore that because of Ryan.” Dave’s statement feels like a sucker punch to the gut. It’s so insulting; I’m fighting back the urge to kick him in the shin.

“Who the hell do you think I am, Dave?” my anger punctuates my question. “Ryan is not the reason I’m not dating Charlie. That suggests that Charlie means nothing to me and only Ryan means something to me. Do you really think I’m that shallow? Charlie is the best friend I’ve ever had and he deserves someone who truly cares about him, not someone who would use him for some meaningless date because her therapist is a pushy asshole. Charlie and Ryan aren’t in competition for my affection. They don’t exist in the same space in my heart. Ryan is my first love and no once can replace him. Nothing will ever compare to him. Charlie is the first friend I’ve ever had who knows everything about me and is still my friend, despite how screwed up I am.”

“But he doesn’t, Beth. Neither of them does.” Dave’s voice is soft compared to my angry shouting.

“What?” I’m so confused.

“Neither Ryan or Charlie really know all of you, do they? You say that no one gets you like Ryan does, but how can he possibly understand you so well when he doesn’t know everything? Don’t you see, Beth?” Dave circles me like a shark. In my fury, I walked right into his trap and now he’s got me right where he wants me. ”Until you can share all of the pieces of your past with someone, you can’t possibly know what it means to love the way you say you love Ryan.”

“Are we done yet?” my voice cracks with pent-up emotion. I’m not giving Dave one more tear today. I’m done. My mind is so clouded and confused right now, I just want to grab the headphones out of my purse and tune Dave out.

“Beth, look at me,” Dave urges. I know I’ll never be rid of him if I don’t, so I look him in the eye. ”I’m not trying to hurt you, I’m trying to show you that despite how deep your feelings reach right now, they will only become more powerful as you get older and you open up about everything to someone deserving. I’m not going to tell you that won’t be Ryan, and I won’t tell you it won’t be Charlie, either.” I open my mouth to protest, but Dave holds up his finger and continues, “I’m only saying that it would be a shame to force that decision right now. Keep yourself open to possibilities, Beth. Ryan isn’t the only boy you’ll love, and Charlie isn’t the only friend you’ll ever have.”

Damn Dave, he looks so smug. Sure he makes perfect sense, but my heart isn’t listening. It feels what it feels and the harder I push against that, the more miserable I become. Maybe Dave is right, maybe I just need to force myself to move on.

“You want me to let Ryan go, and I don’t know if I can do that,” I sob.

“Moving on doesn’t erase the special place he has in your heart, but do you really think he would want you to hover in limbo on the chance you may or may not cross paths again? From everything you’ve told me about him, I think he’d agree—it’s time to let go.” Dave pats my knee and shifts nervously in his seat.

“You know, it could be considered an occupational hazard for you to squirm at tears,” I giggle. The session is finally over, so I gather my things and head to the door.

“Just yours, kiddo,” he sighs, “your tears break my heart.”

Damn Dave, I can’t ever stay mad at him. His hand is on the handle and just before he opens the door, I give him a fierce hug.

“I know you’re just trying to help. You’re still an asshole for that whole Charlie thing, though.” I snicker.

“I can live with that,” Dave laughs and ruffles my hair.

Chapter 22

RYAN

The campus is a lot more crowded than I thought it would be during the summer, and for that, I’m grateful. My dorm is one of a few open to students who are spending the summer taking classes, so I’m surrounded by activity 24/7. Bring it on, the more distraction the better, as far as I’m concerned. Between classes, work and life in the co-ed Quadrangle Hall, you would think I could forget Beth. I thought doing the right thing would make it easier to be here and not at the lake. I thought loving her enough to stay away would grant me some cosmic pass on all this regret. No such luck. I miss her more than I should and it scares the crap out of me.