The Final Exam (26 page)

“You’re fine,” Lulu said with a smile as she and Madeleine helped Garrison back to dry land.

“Actually, I’d say you’re more than fine—you’re fantastic!” Madeleine declared sweetly, prompting Garrison to look away, overwhelmed by the sentiment.

“My skin hurts,” Theo warbled as he broke the
water’s surface with a grimace. “That was worse than a belly flop; it was a body flop! Even my earlobes hurt.”

“That’s weird; I feel fine,” Hyacinth said cheerfully.

“Listen, about this whole marriage thing,” Theo said to Hyacinth. “I know I’m a catch; I mean, I get it. I’m good-looking, kind, and a hall monitor to boot; who wouldn’t want to marry me? But sadly, I just can’t commit to anyone—not right now, anyway.”

“Relax, I was joking,” Hyacinth replied. “I would never marry you. Well, at least not as long as Celery’s alive. She would have an absolute fit; she might even try to assassinate you. Oh my gosh, I could totally see Celery dropping arsenic in your food!”

“What is wrong with you? Why do you sound so cheery when talking about my demise at the paws of that darn ferret?” Theo huffed as he swam toward the moat’s edge.

As Theo and Hyacinth pulled their wet bodies ashore, Garrison, who had finally caught his breath, managed to crack a smile. From Madeleine’s kiss to the near drowning, he had never experienced a rush of adrenaline quite like that in his life.

Fitzy, Bard, and Herman still stood atop the wall,
looking down at the group. Even after watching the School of Fearians survive the jump without sustaining serious bodily harm, the Contrarians still appeared greatly rattled by the idea of moat diving. Fitzy’s pasty, freckled legs shivered as he contemplated being immobile for life. Now that the idea had been firmly planted in his head by Madeleine, he was incapable of shaking it. But at the same time, he had no intention of stopping the fun, as that would be worse than death. And so, after Fitzy gave a quick nod to Bard and Herman, the three Contrarians jumped off the wall. However, there was a notable difference in the boys’ demeanor as they fell: none of them made catcalls or pumped their fists in the air.

After they’d jumped and then emerged from the moat, the eight soggy and unbelievably stinky children lounged on the banks, allowing the sun to wash over them. For the Fearians, this was a well-earned respite on the road to recovering Toothpaste. Having already completed their end of the deal, they were momentarily excused from all responsibility. But the relief was short-lived: suddenly the sound of a man shouting jolted the Contrarians and Fearians alike.

“No!” the man screamed, his voice echoing through the trees, obscuring the origin of the sound.

“Yes!” Sylvie Montgomery hollered emotionally in response, her voice also reverberating greatly.

“That sounds like my grandparents. Do you think they followed me? They can travel pretty fast with their walkers,” Fitzy asked genuinely.

“I can pretty much guarantee that those aren’t your grandparents,” Garrison stated confidently.

“Are they
your
grandparents?”

“No, my grandparents are dead,” Garrison answered bluntly.

“That would make it even cooler: zombie grandpa!”

“Guys, unless you want Sylvie and her friend to join your little conversation about zombies, I think we better get back inside the fortress,” Lulu said patronizingly, shaking her head at the boys.

“Not to nitpick, Lulu, but how are we going to get in? The drawbridge is up,” Theo said perceptively.

“No worries—we’ll just dig a tunnel!” Fitzy announced excitedly with a fist pump.

“Yeah!” Bard and Herman seconded before following Fitzy a few feet away to begin digging a tunnel…
with their hands.

“I think we can all agree that the Contrarians’ plan is
fanciful at best,” Madeleine determined, watching the boys dig most incompetently. “So, back to Theo’s surprisingly astute question: How are we going to get in?”

“Maddie, why are you so surprised that I asked a good question? I have tons of good questions! For example, just off the top of my head, why isn’t there any good Mexican food in New York City? Do airlines really wash the blankets after each flight? Why isn’t Washington, D.C., a state?”

“Theo, there is a lot to be said for quitting while you’re ahead. Consider that the first of many Luluisms I will be imparting to you between now and the start of high school,” Lulu said with a smirk.

“No! No! No!” The man again screamed, his voice violently bouncing off the trees.

“Quick, let’s go inside; I don’t want to come face-to-face with Sylvie again,” Hyacinth whimpered. “I don’t trust myself around that lady; her nose can get anything out of me!”

“What? You don’t think the tunneling is going to work?” Lulu asked sarcastically, looking over at the Contrarians, who were a mere two inches into their project.

“I’ve got it!” Theo said in his most macho voice before cracking his knuckles. “Schmidty, lower the drawbridge! We’re stuck outside!”

“Why did you need to crack your knuckles before screaming?” Garrison asked Theo.

“Gary, Gary, Gary,” Theo said, then paused. “I have absolutely no idea.”

“Mister Theo?” Schmidty called out from inside the fortress. “Mister Theo? Was that you?”

“Yes! I need a sandwich, stat!”

“Priorities!” Garrison chastised the endlessly hungry boy.

“I meant, lower the drawbridge, and
then
make me a sandwich!”

“Doesn’t anyone else think it’s odd that Sylvie has yet to appear? After all, she’s been stalking us for days, and we just heard her talking to someone, and yet, she still hasn’t presented herself. Something’s not right,” Madeleine observed.

“Yeah, why hasn’t Sylvie come running after us? She’s desperate to get a quote for the story,” Lulu concurred.

“Would everyone please stop talking about her?”
Hyacinth pleaded. “I’m feeling super nervous, like I might start yelling secrets… just exploding information!”

“Honestly, Hyacinth, you’re worse than WikiLeaks!”

“Is that some sort of boring British cartoon?” Hyacinth asked Madeleine sincerely.

“WikiLeaks is an organization that publishes loads of top secret documents—just plunks them out there without any thought of consequences, kind of like you!”

“Schmidty?” Theo called out. “How’s that sandwich… I mean drawbridge coming?”

“Maybe it’s not a big deal that we haven’t seen Sylvie. She could be off somewhere, licking her wounds after the row with the editor,” Madeleine surmised unconvincingly as the soft creaks of the rickety wooden drawbridge filled the air.

“I tried licking a wound once; what a mistake that was! Blood tastes terrible; it gave me a whole new respect for vampires,” Theo muttered.

Five feet away Fitzy, Bard, and Herman continued their exercise in futility, also known as digging a tunnel with their hands.

“Come on, guys, let’s go,” Lulu called out to the Contrarians as the drawbridge slammed loudly into place.

“Wait!” Fitzy responded eagerly. “We found a buried treasure!”

“Gold!” Bard and Herman screamed simultaneously.

“Never mind, it’s just a hard clump of dirt,” Fitzy said with visible disappointment. “Guess I’m going to have to wait and get rich the old-fashioned way.”

“Don’t worry, Fitzy; hard work is underrated,” Madeleine offered with a smile.

“Who said anything about hard work? I was talking about lottery tickets.”

“Of course you were,” Madeleine replied wryly as the Contrarians started across the bridge.

While the Fearians were most relieved to have Toothpaste in their sights, they couldn’t shake their concern over Sylvie’s absence. She was a most tenacious snoop and would never forgo an opportunity to interview the children without a great reason. But what was the reason? And, more to the point, how damaging would it prove to School of Fear?

C
ontestants! Contestants! Where is the bird?” Mrs. Wellington cried. “Have you any idea how antsy that half-mustached man is? He’s following me around the house threatening to shave my left eyebrow! I’m already bald, with a botched wig! I can’t lose an eyebrow!”

“Calm down, Mrs. Wellington,” Lulu said. “We’re going to deal with it right now. The bird will be in our hands in five minutes.”

“Five minutes, Lulu, five minutes,” Mrs. Wellington repeated gravely. “If I spend the rest of my life drawing on an eyebrow, that’s on your shoulders.”

Already burdened by the weight of the mission, Lulu now had to worry about Mrs. Wellington’s eyebrow as well. In truth, if the old woman weren’t already so weird-looking, Lulu would hardly care. But the loss of an eyebrow just might push her into the freak category.

The School of Fearians found the Contrarians using the hose as a substitute shower. Still wearing their clothes, Bard, Herman, and Fitzy took turns spraying one another with the ice-cold water.

“Hey, guys, do you know how to turn the hot water on?” Fitzy asked.

“It’s a hose; there is no hot water,” Garrison replied.

“Oh,” Fitzy replied with genuine surprise. “I thought this was the shower.”

“I’m frightened to ask what he thinks the toilet is,” Theo mumbled under his breath.

“We need Toothpaste, now,” Lulu stated firmly as thoughts of a one-browed Wellington flashed through her mind.

“Ah, Toothpaste,” Fitzy said, breaking into a mischievous smile. “Can we talk about him later?”

“No way,” Lulu replied. “We want the bird now.”

“Later…”

“Boys, need I remind you that we have a legally binding verbal agreement, which explicitly states that you are to hand over Toothpaste after the completion of our moat dive?” Madeleine asked in her most litigious tone of voice.

“You’re still going to have to wait,” Fitzy responded nonchalantly.

“Excuse me?” Lulu said, brimming with indignation. “You guys might be crazy, but trust me, we are way crazier! You do
not
want to mess with us! Now give us back the bird!”

“We can’t,” Fitzy answered quietly.

“I knew you were dumb and really bad dressers, but I never would have guessed you were liars,” Theo said with unmistakable disgust.