The Final Exam (25 page)

“Contrarians, we, the School of Fearians, consider this to be a legally binding, albeit verbal, agreement,” Madeleine said litigiously before grabbing hold of the ivy.

“Maddie, what are you doing?” Garrison inquired, his face wet with perspiration.

“I’m doing whatever it takes to save the school. What are you doing?” Madeleine replied pointedly.

“I’ll tell you what I’m
not
doing: jumping in a moat!”

“What’s the matter? You afraid?” Fitzy laughed uproariously.

“He’s afraid! He’s afraid! He’s afraid!” Bard and Herman chanted, perfectly in sync, before abruptly returning to abject silence.

“Yes, as a matter of fact, he
is
afraid. He is absolutely petrified of jumping into that moat. But so what? We’re School of Fearians; it wouldn’t make much sense if we weren’t afraid of something, now would it?” Theo boldly defended Garrison.

“What’s your mascot, the chicken?” Fitzy called out before erupting into a cackle.

“Actually, we don’t have an official mascot,” said Hyacinth, “but I’d like to take this moment to nominate Celery, who also happens to be the world’s first bungee-jumping ferret.”

“Excuse me, Hyacinth, but if anyone is going to be our mascot, it’s Macaroni,” Theo argued. “Not only does he have seniority, he has a much better personality.”

“No way! You guys are the chickens!
Bock! Bock! Bock!
” Fitzy taunted as he pulled himself atop the soaring fortress wall.

“
Bock, Bock, Bock,
” Herman and Bard grunted, smirking.

“Don’t
bock
at us! We’re not
chickens
!” Garrison responded, his competitive nature rising to the surface. After years of playing sports, he had come to view taunts as a warm-up for an excellent game. At that moment, adrenaline rushed through his system, priming him to prove Fitzy and the Contrarians wrong by any means necessary.

The School of Fearians broke into two groups so as not to overstrain the ivy. Garrison and Lulu scaled the
vines first, followed by the remaining three. Worried his weight might rip the ivy off the wall, Theo insisted on going last. At least that way, if he fell, he wouldn’t crush anyone.

The top of the wall was dreadfully narrow, leaving barely enough space for the children’s feet. And while the Fearians swayed with nerves, the Contrarians remained the epitome of calm, cool, and collected. Of course, after years of hazardous behavior they were desensitized to danger.

In a desperate bid to ignore the bubbling mass of water beneath him, Garrison counted the treetops on the skyline. However, even with his eyes averted there was no avoiding the moat’s noxious odor, an unpleasant reminder of the water’s proximity. Without any viable means of escaping the impending jump, Garrison forced himself to confront the monster at his feet. A strange and powerful disconnect took hold, separating Garrison’s mind from his body. The world appeared to be a movie, something he was watching from a distance. He didn’t care that barbed wire crawled dangerously along the wall’s exterior, because he wasn’t actually there.

Minutes passed as Garrison stared calmly at the
bubbling water below. Then, in an abrupt shift, his body and mind realigned, bringing reality into sharp focus. This was not a movie. Garrison was watching his own life. There was no escaping the fact that he was the boy standing atop the wall, preparing for the enemy to swallow him whole.

“This is going to be so cool!” Fitzy screamed, electrified by the idea of moat diving.

“Hyacinth, I realize you were put in charge of this mission, but I’m going to have to step in on this one,” Theo explained authoritatively before turning toward the Contrarians. “As the resident safety expert, or ‘safepert’ for short, I would like to inform you that hitting the water from fifty feet or higher is equivalent to landing on concrete.”

“How high is this wall?” Fitzy asked with sudden interest.

“I estimate twenty, twenty-five feet.”

“Are you positive?” Fitzy pressed on. “Because landing on concrete really sucks; that’s how I broke my leg last summer.”

“How high up were you?”

“Only three or four feet, but we were going about twenty miles an hour.”

“Please tell me you didn’t jump out of a moving vehicle,” Theo said with sudden concern.

“Is a motorcycle a moving vehicle?”

“Something tells me Fitzy is not going to do well on the SATs,” Lulu mumbled snidely under her breath.

“Why would you jump off a motorcycle? Was it on fire? Were you about to drive off a cliff?” Theo asked suspiciously.

“My uncle was taking me for a spin on his bike when I suddenly remembered it was my grandpa’s birthday. And he gets really mad if you forget his birthday, so I jumped off the bike to go call him.”

“That is a disturbing story on many, many levels,” Theo replied matter-of-factly, shooting his fellow School of Fearians a concerned look.

“But Fitzy, surely you’ve done this moat dive before?” Madeleine asked in a most professorial tone.

“Nope.”

“I see,” Madeleine said, nodding her head. “But you’ve checked the depth of the moat?”

“Nope.”

“Fitzy, you do realize that if the moat is too shallow, you could wind up paralyzed and unable to move your arms or legs? You’ll be in a wheelchair for the rest of your life,” Madeleine cautioned.

“Unless, of course, there are advances in stem-cell research,” Theo corrected her.

“Theo, now is not the time for scientific sidebars,” Lulu interjected.

“Wait a minute—you’re saying I could be in a wheelchair for the rest of my life?” Fitzy repeated with palpable concern.

“Yes, that is
exactly
what I am saying. Thank you for
finally
listening,” Madeleine replied gratefully.

“No way! You’re making that up!”

“No, Fitzy,” Madeleine reassured him, “I most certainly am not.”

“But I risk my life all the time, and nothing ever happens…”

“Well, you’ve been extraordinarily lucky, but at some point everyone’s luck runs out. You do understand that, don’t you?”

“Are you saying my luck could stop
right now
, like with
this jump
?” Fitzy asked, shocked.

“Anytime you do something reckless, like jumping into a moat, you run the risk of sustaining extreme bodily harm that could permanently stop you from leading an active life,” Madeleine stated emphatically.

“Then I’m not jumping!” Fitzy screamed with uncharacteristic panic, clearly petrified by the idea of being immobile.

“Me either,” Herman and Bard seconded, agreeing with Fitzy, as they always did.

“Have you guys
really
never considered the possibility of grave bodily harm before?” Madeleine asked in amazement, to which the Contrarians shook their heads.

“I just never thought that it was possible to have too much fun, so much fun that you can’t ever have fun again,” Fitzy explained, scratching his head. “I’m still pretty young; I can’t spend the next fifty years sitting down… no way! I haven’t even climbed Everest yet!”

“This feels like the perfect moment to impart a few Theoisms to you,” Theo said. “Number one: don’t skimp on the mayonnaise; it’s a pivotal part of building the
perfect sandwich. Number two: the world isn’t a playground, so you need to get the facts before you decide to do something. Number three: if you are feeling sad, eat a fried potato product and your mood will improve—french fries, hash browns, home fries, Tater Tots… any of them will do.”

“While I can’t speak to the mayonnaise or potato platitudes,” said Madeleine, “Theo is certainly correct about getting the facts before doing something bonkers like jumping into a moat. Now, it just so happens that I have the facts in this case. The moat is twenty feet deep, and contrary to what Mrs. Wellington claimed, absolutely piranha free. There’s nothing more dangerous than a few warm-blooded salamanders in there.”

“How do you know all this?” Lulu asked suspiciously.

“Schmidty mentioned an underwater scuba expedition that occurred last time they visited; something to do with a missing diamond earring,” Madeleine said as she grabbed Garrison’s left arm and signaled for Lulu to take his right.

“Wait! I’m not ready!” Garrison exclaimed with an excessively pale face.

“You can do this,” Lulu stated confidently, squeezing his clammy hand.

“No, Lulu, I can’t…” Garrison trailed off, ashamed of his own weakness.

“Come on, don’t you want to show me your doggy paddle?” Lulu jested in an effort to lighten the mood.

“I’m not ready… it’s all happening too fast.”

“Garrison, I believe in you. I always have,” Madeleine said sweetly before planting a peck on the boy’s tanned cheek. “But trust me: none of this is happening too fast.”

The kiss electrified Garrison, drowning him in adrenaline and excitement. In fact, so distracted was the boy that he didn’t even notice when he became airborne. Madeleine and Lulu had rather deftly brought Garrison off the wall with them. But now, as he hurtled toward the murky water, his exhilaration morphed into panic.

I
guess that means we’re going together!” Hyacinth said cheerfully as she grabbed Theo’s pudgy white hand. “By the way, if we get married, I really want to go to Niagara Falls on our honeymoon!”

“Way to make it awkward! I haven’t even asked you to marry me yet. Wait! I didn’t mean
yet,
I meant… oh, forget it. Let’s just jump already.”

In an uncharacteristically responsible move, Hyacinth had left Celery safely on the ground with Macaroni.
After Celery’s bungee jump, she felt it best that the ferret avoid all extreme sports, at least until she got her motion sickness under control.

Meanwhile, the warm, bubbly water enveloped Garrison as his body fell weightlessly away from the world. Separated from Madeleine and Lulu, he saw nothing more than a haze of white. A powerful confusion took hold, jumbling the very foundation of his brain. He could no longer tell which way was up. How long had he been in the water? Was he even still alive?

Frightened, Garrison tried to scream, causing his mouth to fill with copious amounts of water. As the boy began to choke, four soft hands grabbed hold of him and pulled him to the surface. Once he was safely out of the water, Garrison immediately started coughing, expelling large quantities of liquid.