The Feria (7 page)

The knock at the porch came just before dawn. At first, Soledad thought it was part of her dream. With both fists, she violently banged the wood floor in her bedroom, screaming at the top of her lungs. The repetitious knocking did not stop until finally she was awakened, her hands still clenched in dream-induced fists. By the time she sat up in her bed, wrapped herself in her bed robe, and made her way downstairs, she could already hear the murmur of hushed voices and her mother crying. Her steps quickened down the stairs. Her parents, along with a distant cousin of her mother’s, were in the living room.

“
Mamá? Qué paso
?” Soledad’s voice quivered. Something was terribly wrong. Her mother hadn’t even cried when her father sold her to Emmanuel.

Her mother stared at her, as if trying to gain enough composure to speak. “Suki died last night. We need to get to your
abuelita’s
house.”

Soledad gasped and dropped to her knees at her mother’s feet, not even second-guessing her reaction with news such as this. There was nothing she knew more than to seek solace from her mother, even now amid the tension and confusion of the revelations of the night before.

“No, no, no!” Soft cries escaped her throat as she moistened her mother’s knees with her tears. She’d never said goodbye. The day she left, she got into her father’s car, and she never said goodbye. Tears continued to burn the back of her eyes.

“I will never forgive you.” While her eyes remained closed, no one needed to guess who she spoke to. It was clear that her sharp words were targeted at her father. She could barely get her words out. “I never said goodbye.”

The dam broke, and she sobbed violently into her mother’s legs. Visions of Suki screamed through her mind. Soledad’s fifth birthday, cooking in
Abuelita’s
kitchen with Suki, when Suki’s husband died, when Soledad’s grandfather died. Suki had always been there.

“
Gracias,
Jose.” Soledad’s father saw the messenger out. She listened to him walk over to where she lay at her mother’s feet, then stop.

Soledad could sense her father reaching out to her, and she immediately tensed, hopefully stopping him from touching her.

When Soledad was sure her father was out of her presence, she, too, got up and retreated, leaving her mother still sitting on the sofa.

Each member of the family was instructed to pack for a week’s stay at
Abuelita’s
house. They were to stay with her for a few days and help her through the loss of her dear lifelong friend.

Soledad could not help but feel guilty that she was so excited to be returning to Mexico. She felt guilty that she was thankful to Suki for giving her this one last chance. This was her great escape.

She carefully combed her room for things she could not bear to leave behind. She packed some Hardy Boys books, her Bible that her mother had given her at her
Quinceañera
, and, despite how she felt about her father, she packed the gold locket he’d given her at the same occasion. If anything, she and Xavier could sell it if need be. There were a few other things as well, but she had to limit the items so as not to call attention to herself.

As her family crossed the border into Mexico, Soledad could not help but feel desperation as she anxiously stared after any pedestrian who resembled Xavier.

Her father cleared his throat. Her discomfort and continued movement was obvious.

As they pulled up to her grandmother’s house, it looked so depressed. The house had always had a magic about it with the two old ladies, and now one of the complementary pieces was gone.

The house was full of neighbors who had come to pay their respects. Soledad truly believed Xavier might be here, and her heart held onto that hope. But it quickly dissolved as she examined each face. It was like a maze getting to
Abuelita
, but once with her, it felt as though she were the one comforting everyone else.

She held Soledad in her arms as she sobbed. Those arms had always had some bravery and comfort for Soledad in her hardest of days. This was one of
Abuelita’s
hardest of days, yet her strength never wavered.

Although it was a time to mourn for Suki, Soledad wished in those very moments with her grandmother holding her that she could spill everything out to her. Her father’s treachery, the story of her first love, how she was going to give up Stanford and run away with Xavier. There was so much she carried, and
Abuelita
would gladly help her carry it. She honestly, for a split second, began a sentence. But she quickly worked to hold herself together. There was nothing her grandmother could do.

The next morning at the burial, Soledad sobbed with great force. Not only was she mourning the loss of her second grandmother, but she sobbed selfishly as she learned that Xavier had gone with the
feria
, and she would be back in El Paso, possibly married, by the time he returned.

As the priest gave the benediction: “
En el nombre del Padre, del Hijo, y del Espiritu Santo,
” she remembered the three steps of her porch that had always led her into her refuge every day of her life. But this thought did nothing for her. There was nothing left in her. She belonged in the ground with Suki ... for she was dead.

Soledad returned to El Paso defeated. The border that her precious Xavier would never be able to cross felt like a jail warden. As they drove to their home, she looked out her window at a community park. So many free souls filled the green grass, playing, eating, sitting, sunning. How could they? Didn’t they know her life was about to end? She envied their carelessness.

Suki’s death had only delayed the inevitable. If her father gave a command, she would have to follow it. That’s the way it always was. If he gave the command to go and drown herself in the Rio Grande, then that’s the way it would be. She longed for that command.

Messages she’d sent to Xavier came back unanswered. How could he have left her with no word of his departure or clue of his arrival?

She sobbed just as much over that betrayal. But it wasn’t a betrayal. She only made herself believe it was to try and make her fast-approaching death tolerable.

Night after night, she would lay in her bed and pray. She would look out her window, desperately trying to conjure up memories she’d shared with Xavier, but the stars would not shine as brightly for just her alone. They needed Xavier by her side to show off their brilliance.

Her father kept her in the dark about her nuptials. He was planning her death so perfectly that she would not even know she was getting married until she was standing before the priest. This, her father knew, would not give her the chance to run away, or run anywhere, for that matter.

Then one morning, God gave her the break she needed.

She stood in a corner at the grocer’s hiding from the voices. She recognized the voice she despised so badly and froze in fear before making herself move away. Emmanuel. He was speaking to the grocer.

“What’s the special occasion?” the grocer asked, handing Emmanuel a brown bag.

“I’m getting married tomorrow, kind sir!”

“Oh
Señor
, I didn’t even know you were engaged!” The grocer clapped his hands.

“Yes, yes, I am. It wasn’t a long engagement.”

Soledad felt the urge to vomit. She held her hands firmly over her mouth. She wasn’t sure if she would throw up, or scream. She squeezed back hot, violent tears. She couldn’t allow her sobs to reveal her hiding place.

“Congratulations, sir. This is on me.”

Soledad could not see what the grocer held up. He was a kind man. She had known him since she was a child. Now, he was just another peddler of her doom.

She waited for the bell on the door indicating that Emmanuel was gone. She composed herself, swiped her damp cheeks, then grabbed her mother’s milk and went to the counter.

“
Hola, mija
!” He sounded so pleased to see her. The soft kind eyes she had known all her life were now foreign as
Señor
Talaman
studied her frantic eyes
.
“
Estas bien?”
He tilted his head, his wise brown eyes scanning her face.

“
Si, Señor, gracias
. I’m a little sick today.” She knew her eyes were betraying her with their red sting and pale face.

“Feel better,
mija
. You really look sick. You should be home in bed, no?”

“Believe it or not, my mother is far worse than me, so I came to run her errand.” She felt so bad lying by inflicting illness on her mother.

Something suddenly came over her. An idea. A small wisp of hope. She knew what she must do. “Actually, sir. I feel terrible right now, and I really can’t take this milk with me now. I’ll return later.”

“Okay,
mija
.” The grocer stared at the milk, probably unsure about touching it.

Without a goodbye, she sprinted out of his store, then headed in the opposite direction of her house. She was fleeing to the border. Xavier would have to be back by now. He told her their longest runs lasted two weeks at most. She didn’t look behind her, she just ran, and with no trouble at all, she was allowed entrance into her beautiful Mexico.

The familiar trailer Xavier called home sat on the same lot where he’d first introduced her to it. Apparently, this was its settling ground. She didn’t know what to expect, but she pounded on the door with so much force that it opened. She jumped back, ashamed to have been so rudely persistent.

Footsteps approached. A man, an older man with salt and pepper hair stared down at her with the same intense blue eyes as his son.

“Xavier!” He called over his shoulder, then he smiled at her. “Come in.” He stepped back, then gestured her forward. A dart of fear crept up her spine. Was she doing the right thing? What if Xavier didn’t want to see her? The fear of the unknown began to suffocate her. She hadn’t seen him in so long, with no word from him since their abrupt goodbye. She nodded at Xavier’s father and began to back away. As much as she longed to stay, she would force herself to run, certain her precious Xavier would not want anything to do with her. How dare she come here so confidently. How dare she assume she had so much control and certainty over Xavier’s feelings. Xavier’s father, perhaps noticing her struggle, shrugged his shoulders and disappeared back into the house.

After more internal debate, Soledad convinced herself to wait on the porch. Things could not get any worse than they already were. If Xavier turned her away, at least she could have closure. But at this point, all she really knew was that her love was inside that trailer, and it took great effort not to charge in there. Sound came from the screen door and her breath caught up in her throat. She remained very still, uncertain as Xavier came to the door looking groggy, uncertain. He wasn’t wearing a shirt, only a pair of cut-off shorts. One look at her and he broke out in a smile that filled his entire face.

“Cholita!” He burst through the rickety screen door as it struggled to stay intact. “I can’t believe I’m looking at you!” He pulled her into the trailer and he kissed her all over her mouth, forehead, cheeks, jaw, neck, nose, head, eyes, mouth, mouth, mouth. He inched her toward his bedroom, a compact area sectioned off by the curtain hung by a rope, the one she remembered from the first time she visited. The foldable cot against the trailer wall didn’t even look like it could hold him. His clothes cluttered the floor. Those familiar chapped leather boots lay disheveled in a corner, one up, one down.

“We just got in only a few hours ago,” he said, waving a hand at the mess on his floor. He looked at her again, the smile still lingering, his eyes taking her in, seeking answers. “I could have only dreamed that you would be here with me in this moment.”

As hard as she tried, Soledad could not speak. Xavier still wanted her. He still loved her. She was getting married tomorrow. She was standing here with the man who would forever be the keeper of her heart. And while she tried to wrap her head around all of this, while she tried desperately to conjure up any words worthy of responding to all of this, instead, she buried her face in his chest and cried.

She was grateful when Xavier did not demand an explanation. He stroked her hair, whispering words of comfort. Minutes passed, but she couldn’t seem to stop crying. Xavier held her patiently, and waited, his only movements breathing and shifting his weight every now and then.

“
Todo bien
?” His father’s voice carried concern.

Instantly, Soledad stopped her cries. She had forgotten how close the quarters were and she was suddenly embarrassed. What must this man think of her? Her display on the porch, her blatant unconcealed cries behind the curtain. How terrible that she would leave this last impression on him.

“Yes.
”
Xavier turned to the direction of his father’s voice and shouted back.

She could have cried the afternoon away, and while she felt robbed of a good cry, she was grateful for the abrupt interruption. There was so much to say, yet everything she needed to urgently say seemed scattered, out of order, yet pressing their way out of her mouth.

“My love, Suki has died.” Her voice quavered as she struggled with saying these words out loud for the first time, and she began to sob again.

“I’m so sorry, my Cholita,” Xavier’s gentle voice whispered in her ear. He squeezed her tighter.

“There’s more,” she managed. “My father has carried out the ultimate betrayal. The last dagger that destroyed our relationship.” A fresh wave of tears hit, and she sank again into Xavier.

His arms tensed around her. “What did he do, Soledad?” he asked, his voice unsure.

She stared into the eyes of the one she loved. Her throat tightened. How could she tell him? But he needed to know. He would have the answer. He would know what to do. “I am being married off ...” She struggled with the words. “Tomorrow.” This would be the first time she truly realized what awaited her, and by the looks of Xavier’s face, it didn’t take long for him to realize the same.

Xavier’s lower chin trembled and as soon as her words were spoken, a tear escaped his eyes, followed by another. With his palms, he briskly rubbed the tears off his cheekbones, but it was too late. Seeing him so emotional sent her over the edge again and she cried, deep racking sobs that left her breathless. They stood in that small space, holding each other, his arms drawing her in closer than she thought possible. She tried to look up at him, but he held her firmly in place, yet she knew he was crying because as hard as he fought to conceal this, his chest shook.

“Come, Cholita,” Xavier said, pulling her down onto his bed. “You should rest.” With gentle thumbs, so foreign to a
feria
laborer, he rubbed the tears from under her eyes.

He was right. Soledad didn’t resist. While she felt the urgency to flee, while she expected at any second that her father would throw open that protective curtain, she obeyed, snuggling against him, reveling in his warmth and strength. Xavier would know what to do. He’d save her, save them.

He spooned against her, running his free hand through her hair until she, emotionally exhausted, fell asleep.