The Feria (3 page)

The lights of the
feria
were beacons of familiarity and excitement. Soledad’s younger twin brothers play-fought with each other as they approached, but that was the only noise in the car. Soledad noted that both her parents appeared solemn. She didn’t read too much into it. If she was feeling exhausted from their travels, how much more exhausted would her father be? And her mother usually followed his moods, so really, it made absolute sense. The only thing she questioned was if they were so off tonight, why did they choose to attend the
feria
instead of resting? After all, it would be here for an entire week. Her brothers quickly got out of hand and her father shouted, “
Calmados
!”

Instant silence followed. Everybody held their breath and waited for their father to mentally release them.

“All right now, let’s all calm down and have a good time, okay?” He gave them an uneasy smile, but they accepted it.

Relief flooded Soledad as they prepared to exit their car. Eduardo gave instructions to the driver to pick them up tomorrow from his mother-in-law’s house. They would walk the short distance to her home later tonight. Soledad couldn’t wait to spend time at the
feria
, but she also couldn’t wait to be with her grandmother. She hoped this night would be bitter sweetly short. Her
abuelita’
s bed beckoned her already. It was nice being the only girl. Had the twins been girls, they’d have to fight over who would be the lucky one to sleep in
Abuela
’s bed with her. But Soledad had this one won.

The line to enter the
feria
had about twelve people waiting. One family alone had six children. Once, when Soledad was a little girl and refused to eat her dinner, Father told her she was very lucky to have food at her disposal, and that in a large family, the first ones to the dinner table would eat, and whoever didn’t get food would have to try again at breakfast. She always remembered that and stared now, wondering who in that family were the hungry ones. This night out for them must be a sacrifice. The youngest of the girls had holes in her shoes, while the older girl had shoes that were worn, but still intact, no holes, but Soledad was sure that by the time the younger one got those shoes, there’d be holes in those, too. The four boys were a mess and looked nothing like her well-groomed brothers. Although her brothers were often dirty from horseplay, they’d never be allowed to go to an outing that way.

She’d decided to stop judging them and focus on her own family when they were suddenly beckoned to the front of the line and to a side entrance by a man in a suit. Soledad wondered who on earth would wear a suit to the
feria
. She was holding hands with her mother when suddenly her mother squeezed her hand. She looked up at her.

“
Estas bien, Mamá
?”

“Yes, Cholita. I’m fine.” Her mother gave her a strange smile that made Soledad feel uneasy. Something wasn’t right.

“
Buenas Noches, Señor
.” Her father grabbed this man’s hand with great happiness.

Was he a relative or good family friend she hadn’t met?

As the men chatted briefly, Soledad noted the older man’s dark dingy suit and dress shoes already covered in dust from the ground, and a tie that appeared too short over his slightly bulging belly. Even so, he was not horrible to look at, and even appeared a bit intelligent with his eyeglasses. She wished she needed eyeglasses because she wanted the popular cat-eye glasses. Her friend Rose Marie’s father was an eye doctor, and although she had perfect vision, he made a pair for her with no strength, only glass. She looked lovely. This stranger’s glasses were wire, only framing the top half of the lenses, with what looked like hooks wrapped around his ears.

The men chatted away and shook hands again fiercely when Soledad heard her father say, “Let me introduce you to my family.”

Following her mother’s lead, she and her now eagerly rowdy brothers approached the stranger.

“Sir, this is my wife, Flor, our twin sons, Ernesto and Adan, and my lovely daughter, Soledad.” Her father wrapped his arm around her and brought her closer to him. She swallowed, uncomfortable in front of this stranger and his eager stare. The glasses she was only recently admiring now disgusted her as they framed his face and magnified his eyes.

The man seemed to not care for any of the others, except for her, and she instantly felt uncomfortable.

Cochino!
She wanted to scream.

“
Buenas noches
,
Señorita
.” He reached for her hand.

Had she known he was not going to shake it, she would have never extended her arm. She watched in horror as he raised her hand to his lips. This stranger’s mouth lingered, his whiskers pressing tiny pricks on the back of her hand. Feeling heat rush to her face, she glanced up for her father’s angry reaction, but it never came. She was floored that he would stand by and watch this inappropriate action. Her mother appeared just as appalled as she was, but never made a peep. Her brothers, of course, laughed.

As if trying to change the mood, the stranger dropped her hand and said, “Let’s go in, shall we?”

Begging her legs to move, Soledad slowly followed the processional into the
feria
. The magic of the night was gone for her. The lights, the food, the games, the music, was all for not. She felt violated to an extent. She hadn’t even kissed a boy and now some strange man had taken his pleasure in putting his mouth on her hand and swallowing her with his eyes. She would never forgive him for stealing something from her. What that was, she wasn’t even sure. Nevertheless, she had no idea he would be taking so much more.

Soledad slipped away from her family at her mother’s protest. Sauntering off with a halfhearted promise to be safe, she found a hiding place at some corralled ponies. She dug in her heels and promised to sit out the night until they were ready to leave. She hunkered down at the complete opposite side of the entrance where children entered to ride the ponies, with her back to the corral facing dark, openness, nothing ... it was exactly as she felt. After her eyes adjusted to the dark ocean before her, she could see the black outline of tall trees.

“Why so devastated, dear, beautiful girl?”

She felt anger surge into her chest, up through her throat, and into her face. Who would dare find her in this secluded place and talk to her at this particular moment in her life?

She used every last ounce of energy to suppress the anger she was about to spew onto the stranger she hadn’t even so much as glanced at. She began to slowly turn her head in his direction when she heard him begin to walk away.

Only then did she steal a glance at her intruder. He’d retreated.

Thank God!
She needed some peace and quiet.

Suddenly, for no reason she could explain, she felt remorse for her rudeness. She was angry, and although she was certain this stranger wasn’t just making his way over to ask how she was doing, she had not been raised to be rude.

“
Excuse me
!” She heard a stranger’s voice call out from her.

He kept walking, and unsure of whether he was ignoring her or really didn’t hear her, she contemplated letting him go. But again, she was compelled.

“
Excuse me
!” Louder this time. He stopped.

The young man looked in every other direction except hers.

She raised her hand and gave a half wave. What was she doing? She must be crazy.
Encourage a strange boy to come flirt with you, why don’t you
? This was, after all, a night of firsts and unpredictability.

She watched carefully as he walked over, both of them switching off glances at the ground and at each other.

Soledad felt alarmed when this boy, although he wasn’t a boy, was close enough for her to see the most angelic, beautiful smile she had ever seen, as though he was a dear friend, as happy to see her as he would be seeing his mother, or like he was seeing for the first time an automobile that he’d been given as a gift. She couldn’t explain it. While he took his turn looking at the ground, she guiltily and unexpectedly took stock of him. A firm build. She chastised herself for that being the first thing she noticed. Faded jeans that dragged on the ground, faded boots, suspenders over a white T-shirt, and dirt. Very dirty.

From the calmness by which he approached her after originally having been rejected, and the boldness of the words he’d chosen when he had first greeted her, she thought she must know him, and she began to study him.

When he was finally before her, Soledad felt embarrassed for staring. She didn’t know him at all.

“
Buenas noches
.” His confidence astounded her.

“
Buenas noches
.” Soledad’s reply was high-pitched, as if it were a question instead of a statement. It actually was a question. No, a lot of questions. Who was he? Why her? What did he want?

When he put out his hand, she hesitated. Not this time. But as his hand suspended, waiting for hers, and she followed it up to his face, there was something there that began to slowly put out the fire she was mentally blaring at him. At that moment, she took his hand, and he firmly greeted her. Everything about him was confident. Not such a bad thing.

“What is your name?”

“Esperanza.” She preferred not to off-handedly give out her real name. Esperanza was her
middle
name, so she wasn’t lying.

“I’m Xavier. I am so sorry to bother you, but I wondered what was distracting my ponies.”

“And ‘
Why so devastated, dear beautiful girl?’
is how you inquire about that?” She hadn’t even thought about his ponies. “I’m sorry I distracted your ponies,” she threw out to appease her guilty conscience.

“Please forgive me if I offended you. I wasn’t expecting to come over to a complete stranger and say that. It’s not like me at all.”

Right, Don Juan.
She hoped that comment had stayed in her head. She gauged his reaction. It had.

“I was only speaking the truth. You look as though tragedy has struck, and you
are
very beautiful.”

Uncomfortable, she glanced behind her. “Who is handling your ponies?”

“Oh, my partner for the night. He doesn’t mind. We actually had to decide who it would be to come over here to check on you. Maturely, of course. I’m really glad it was me.”

“Well, thank you. I’m fine, as you can see. You should really get back to your partner as I ought to be going as well.” As she said this, she instantly regretted it. She definitely would not mind spending a few more moments with his blue eyes. And he’d called her beautiful. She wasn’t sure what he was getting at. She was not really popular with boys in school, so what was his purpose for making these comments? Perhaps instead of seeing who would come check on her, it was really a joke, or a bet, and the loser had to come talk to the weird girl guarding the pony coral. She instantly felt angry at being the center of their cruel joke.

She pushed herself off the ground. Already her shoes were covered in dirt. As she stood full length, her legs began to tingle, slowly at first, then bolts of lightning threatened her ability to even move. Of course, her legs had fallen asleep, victims of Indian-style sitting.

“Easy.” He reached for her, instantly pulled back in doubt, then as she used the coral to hold herself up, he put his hands palms up, as if waiting to catch her. She’d never tell him that he already had.

“I’m okay.” Soledad let a chortle escape, slapping her hand over her mouth, but it was too late. Xavier could see her smile in her eyes.

Instantly the barrier that held the mood captive released its prisoner. Xavier began to laugh as well.

“That never happens. I swear.”

“I believe you.” His smile was infectious.

She gazed shamelessly, losing herself in his eyes, momentarily forgetting how badly the night had started out with that pig of a man she met at the entrance.

“Cholita?”

“Soledad?”

The yells came from behind them, far off.

She glanced back to see her brothers coming toward them. She’d been spotted. “Oh! I’ve got to go now. It was very nice meeting you, Xavier.” Her heart jumped when she spoke his name.

He was suddenly very quiet. He looked confused, then seemingly hurt.

“It was nice to meet you, too, Esperanza.”

Realizing she’d been discovered, she regretted her impulsive lie about her name, but it was too late to change what she’d done. She’d messed everything up. Without another word, she darted off and lost herself in the crowd without so much as looking back. She didn’t need to. She could feel his eyes on her. Probably no longer beautiful but disgusted that he’d wasted twenty of his precious moments on a liar. But she thanked him nonetheless.

Without any shame, Soledad had persuaded her grandmother to stay in her
Juárez
home, she persuaded her family to go home to El Paso, and she persuaded her parents to let her stay with her grandmother. Not that the last part needed persuading, although her mother had put up a small protest, arguing that Soledad had just returned home. Nevertheless, Soledad’s parents knew she could find comfort on either side of the border. Now all she had to do was secure company to attend the
feria
with her tonight. If there was any chance whatsoever that she could force fate to allow her one more meeting with her blue-eyed angel, she would. Then, she would attempt to apologize for sort of lying about her name. But how? What words would she use? Should she smile, or should she appear serious?

She sat on her
abuelita’s
small porch—underwear secured on her head—peeling potatoes, and swimming through these thoughts which were as vast as the California ocean she loved, and coming in as fast as its waves approached shore.

“I don’t believe it! It’s Esperanza!”

The potato she was working on jumped from her hands. She knew that voice. The very boy she’d spent the last hour thinking about. Without looking up, she could hear the hurt in his voice.

“Hello.” Her greeting was faint. She was sorry for hurting him.

When she finally had the nerve to look up at the six feet standing over her, she felt like a child being cornered, waiting for the forthcoming scolding.

He carried two grocery bags in his arms, and he was silent. This was the very meeting she’d prayed to have tonight, so she wouldn’t waste this opportunity.

“I’m glad to see you again because I wanted to apologize if there was any confusion about anything last night.”

She waited for his response. Nothing.

“I believe that you believe that I was not forthcoming about my name last night, but you’ll be pleased to know that my name is actually Esperanza. But people call me Soledad.” She was rambling. “Okay, people actually call me Soledad because that’s my name. Esperanza is my middle name, and no one calls me that unless it’s my mother. Or my father for that matter and I’m in some sort of trouble.” She drew a deep breath. “I’m really sorry I sort of lied.”

Just as she was going to give up and go punish herself somehow for the embarrassment she seemed to have accidentally achieved, Xavier burst out laughing. His laughter was melodic. She would have gotten up and danced to it if she were invisible. And right now, she wished she were after all the nonsense she had just spewed out.

“Is that it?” His voice was so forgiving, so pleased.

“Well I didn’t know you. And I believed you were just some jerk making jokes about me.”

“Where on earth would you get something like that from?”

“I don’t really know, actually. Lately there’s a lot I don’t know.” The words stung as she spoke them and she recalled how her father had failed her last night, something she never imagined was possible.

“Would you also like to apologize for exposing me to your intimates?” His beautiful blue eyes moved to the top of her head. “My pure eyes can only take so much.” He chuckled.

Soledad instantly remembered the underwear on her head, and she ripped them off fiercely, catching strands of hair in her nails. She stuffed the wadded panties into her jean pocket.

While last night her hair was in the bun she had made in California before her trip home, today her long dark brown hair fell freely down her shoulders and back.

“Wow,” Xavier whispered while staring openmouthed.

How could she sit there talking to a blue-eyed angel with her underwear on her head? She jumped from the ground, tossed her knife in the bucket with the potato peels, and took a flying leap off the left side of the porch. She was mortified yet again, and running away, yet again. But this time it was for good. That was the most humiliating thing that had ever happened to her. Well, the second. The first was when a stranger made friendly with her hand and helped himself to impure thoughts with his eyes right in front of her entire family. She was suddenly bitter.

“Please wait!” His voice shook as he began his run to follow. “Soledad, wait.”

She slowed, then stopped. After lying to him last night, she owed him one. She heard him approach, then stop a few feet away.

“I was trying to laugh
with you
to soften the blow! I only knew if I’d left and not said anything, once you realized you had underwear on your head, you would have never spoken to me again!”

“I
did
realize I had underwear on my head. I put them there.” She made a face. “How else do you think they got there?”

“Okay, then why are you so mad?” He took her by the elbow. For as dirty and maybe even grimy as he appeared last night, his hand was undeniably soft, gentle. She didn’t pull away.

Once he had turned her around, he took her other elbow too. They now stood facing each other, but she could only look down.

“I’m so sorry.” He used one hand to pull her chin up to look at him. The sun was blaring into her face, but it was no competition with Xavier. It only added to his amazing presence.

“You’re right. I wouldn’t have spoken to you again. I can barely speak to you now. That was terribly embarrassing. It actually hurts.”

For a few glorious seconds, he did nothing but stare down at her. Then he clasped his hands on each side of his face, and she was sad he let go. “What am I going to do with you, Soledad Esperanza?”

They both laughed, freely, loudly. Soledad covered her face with her right hand.

“No.” He spoke so lightly, begging. “You shouldn’t do that.” He removed her hand from her face, and she allowed her fingers to hold onto his. She surprised herself with her brazenness. Her natural thought when she did things she considered shameless was,
What will my father think?
But she now felt as though she was in defiance of him.

Just as last night, she and Xavier were suddenly interrupted by someone’s beckoning. This time his name was being called.

Why was her
abuelita
calling to him and not her? She stood on her porch waving.

Noticing Soledad’s confusion, he explained, “I don’t just work at the
feria
. I work for the grocer.”

“You’re from here?”

“Well, not exactly, but this is where I ended up. If I’m not traveling with my father and the
feria
, this is home.”

“
Gracias Dios
!” Soledad winced. This time she hadn’t kept her comment in her head.

A sweet chuckle was his natural reply.

It actually took a few seconds for Soledad to realize they were holding hands as they walked. It just felt so right, like it happened every day. She felt like she’d known him her whole life. When she looked over at him, he didn’t seem to be uncomfortable in any way. He had an agreeable smile that said, “Nothing to see here, people. This is the usual.”

Soledad watched her grandmother’s glance shift to the union they’d formed between them, and she instantly let go. She was worried, but noticed her grandmother did not appear to be displeased with her. In fact, once they were back to the porch, she invited Xavier inside.

“
Mijo
, would you please bring these bags in for me?”

“My pleasure,
Señora
.”

When they entered, her grandmother seemed to add up what she was seeing, then smiled in approval. Soledad had no idea what had gotten into her.

Abuelita
was busy bustling around preparing some tea with
Yerba
Buena
.

“Are you hungry,
Mijo
?”

“
Abuelita
, he’s got to get back to work, I believe.”

When Soledad was little and would rudely interrupt, her grandmother would become stern and say “
A ti no te estoy hablando
.” I’m not talking to you. So she learned quickly not to speak out of turn, but she’d started feeling uncomfortable. She waited for her grandma to say those famous words, but she didn’t. Instead, her grandma looked to Xavier for an answer.

“I regret it, but it’s true,
Señora
. Perhaps you will take a rain check?”

“Of course. Come, my dear friend, let’s go have some tea.” She gave Suki her hand and helped her from her chair. They both hobbled off, still holding hands. Soledad couldn’t help but smile. They were adorable.

“I guess I’d better go.”

Soledad instantly felt herself sink. “Okay. When might we run into each other again?”

“Are you busy tonight?”

“I can manage.”

“May I ask you for a favor?”

“Of course.”

“Let me show you the
feria
. Like you’ve never seen it before.”

“I’ve been going for years.”

“I think you would enjoy my perspective.” Suddenly he took her hand again. He held it up palm-to-palm, fingers-to-fingers, and then their fingers intertwined. To Soledad, holding hands was powerful. But the most powerful way, the kind she admired in couples, was when their fingers intertwined. It was different from the way you’d simply hold hands with your dad or your friend. Intertwined fingers were a sacred dance saved for the most intimate of lovers.

Heat danced all over her cheeks, chin, and forehead. “I could consider it.”

“Don’t consider it. I’ll come get you later tonight.”

He kissed her hand and turned to go. She froze, remembering the night before, but then a feeling so different, so contradictory to the anger she had felt last night wrapped around her like a blanket, from her head to her toes. That kiss had sparked something in her. She could hear Xavier saying goodbyes to the ladies on the porch. Before his visit tonight, she would make it a point to get to church and offer prayers of gratitude.