The Fear of Letting Go (7 page)

“I want you,” I say, which makes her squirm in her seat. “We're friends, right?”

She lets the air out of her lungs in a long whoosh. “We are friends,” she says.

Yes, but I want more. Why is that so hard to say? Why am I so scared to just, put myself out there with her? When we're alone together there's tension and desire, but she's either denying it, or I'm reading her completely wrong.

“You really don't think there's something here?” I ask, my heart thumping against my ribs.

She bites her lower lip, and even in the darkness of the truck, she's so beautiful it takes my breath away. God, what I wouldn't give to touch her. I want to be so much more than friends, and she damned well knows it.

“What exactly are you saying, Preston Wright?”

“I'm saying I want to hang out with you, Jenna Lewis,” I say back. “What's so scary about that?”

She shrugs and leans back against the seat, finally loosening her grip on the steering wheel. “It's not the hanging out that scares me.”

“What is it then?”

She doesn't answer. She just keeps her eyes locked on the road, the smile gone from her face. We've both been dancing around this attraction for way too long, and I know I'm running out of chances with her.

“I can't stop thinking about you,” I say, laying my cards on the table. “I'm sorry if that seems scary to you, but it's the truth. You haunt me. I can't sleep, for thinking about you, Jenna. You're different from any other woman I've ever known, and I know there's something more between us. I think you feel it, too. I've resisted it for about as long as I can, and if you don't at least give me a chance, I may never sleep again.”

She laughs, and this time there's no hiding the wide smile that lights up her entire face.

“Come on,” I say. “One night. If you don't have a good time, we chalk it up to bad timing or whatever. But at least give me this one chance.”

“Well, I would hate to be responsible for the town's golden boy dying from insomnia,” she says. She takes a long breath in and out. “Okay, one night. Just as friends. All I was planning to do was go open up a couple of beers and veg out in front of the TV, anyway. What do you want to do?”

“I'm up for anything,” I say. “What do you want to do?”

She shakes her head. “Now, see, I thought maybe you had some grand plan already worked out,” she says.

I swallow. She's going to make me work for every inch. “We could head to the Marina,” I say. “The yacht is docked and we could hang out there for a while. We have tons of movies or we could shoot some pool. Whatever you want.”

“I've avoided that yacht for a reason, in case you haven't noticed.”

“We could go back to my place,” I say, wishing I had taken more time to think this through or plan something fun.

“I have a better idea.” She parks the car and looks over, mischief gleaming in her eyes. “Want to get high?”

I nearly choke on my words. “What? Jenna, I don't—”

“Stop,” she says with a laugh. “That's not what I meant, so don't have a heart attack on me.”

She points out the front window and raises an eyebrow.

Confused, I lean forward and look out the window, noticing our surroundings for the first time. We're parked at the edge of town by the old Fairhope water tower.

Understanding sinks in, and my eyes widen.

“Wait, you don't mean...”

“Yes, I do mean,” she says with a smile. “You're not chicken are you?”

“At first, I thought you—”

“I don't do drugs, Preston,” she says. “I would have thought you'd have realized that about me by now.”

I can't even feel relief at the no-drugs comment, because now my heart is pounding from the thought of having to climb this water tower. How high up does she want to go?

“Is it even safe to go up there?”

“Perfectly,” she says, opening the door of her truck. “As long as you don't fall off.”

Preston

“Don't tell me you're really too scared to do this,” she says. She reaches into the back of her truck and grabs two beers. She shoves them in the back pockets of her jeans. “After all that talk of wanting to hang out with me, you're going to let a little thing like a fear of heights get in your way?”

I swallow a thick lump of fear and get out of the truck. “Hang out, yes. Climb an old water tower and fall to my death? Not so much.”

She laughs and grabs my hand. The simple, spontaneous touch sends a shot of adrenaline straight through me.

“I won't let you fall,” she says.

“That's very sweet,” I say. “But considering I probably outweigh you by a hundred pounds, I don't think you can keep me from falling.”

She stops and turns to face me, but doesn't let go of my hand. “If you're really that scared, I'm not going to force you to go. You're welcome to sit down here by yourself for a while, if you want. I'm going to go up and enjoy the view.”

I take a deep breath and look at the metal rungs of an old ladder running up the side of the tower. It's so high, my palms sweat just thinking about it.

“I don't know,” I say. I want to spend time with her, but I have always had a hard time with heights, and this is extreme. “Why don't we just put the tailgate down on the truck and hang out here? Or drive over to the beach?”

She shakes her head. “You're all talk, aren't you?”

“What's that supposed to mean?”

“The other night when you came into that bar, you were telling everyone how tired you are of your life. The same dates. The same parties. Always doing the same things over and over without any real sense of adventure,” she says. She looks up at the water tower. “Well, here I am, offering you a little adventure, and you're too scared to even give it a try.”

I inhale, my eyes locked on her face and that mischievous look in her eyes. She's testing me.

“There has to be something else we can do that doesn't involve climbing thirty stories on a water tower that's been out of commission for fifty years,” I say with a nervous laugh. “This is dangerous.”

“Maybe I'm dangerous, too,” she says in a low, sexy tone, her eyes narrowed. She's biting her lower lip and oh god, she's killing me with that look.

I groan and clear my throat. “You know exactly what you're doing to me right now, don't you?” I look at the first few rungs of the ladder and my heartbeat races. Of all the things she decides to test me with, this, is the one thing that would make me hesitate, and I have a feeling she knew that before she even brought me here.

“You say you want something different? This is your chance to mix it up a little,” she says. “Let's see what you're made of, golden boy.”

Jenna steps closer to the ladder and puts one hand on the metal bar.

I turn around, run a hand through my hair. Crap, can I do this? “There aren't even any safety precautions,” I say. “Look at this, it's just a bunch of thin little bars going up the side. One misplaced foot and it's goodbye forever.”

“That's the way a lot of things in life are,” she says. She's already five or six rungs up. “Doesn't mean it isn't worth taking the risk.”

I laugh and shake my head. “Shit,” I mumble.

“You complain about your life, but the truth is, you intentionally live inside your safe little bubble, never daring to step outside of it,” she says. “Face your fears. Push yourself to the limits. It's the best way to know you're really alive.”

With that, she turns and starts climbing so fast, she's twenty feet up before I even have a chance to breathe.

I lean against the hood of her truck, my hands clammy and cold.

This is insane. I should just let her go up and come back down. Let her make her point. Preston's too scared to change. Fine. It's not worth risking my life to go up there.

Right?

I turn and look up at her. She's halfway there with no sign of slowing down. She also hasn't looked back once to see if I'm following her.

But at least she hasn't fallen. How many times has she done this before?

I'm amazed at her fearlessness. How can she just take off without even giving it a second thought?

I lean my head back and let out a nervous breath. Crap, I can't let her go up there without me. Maybe she's right. Maybe it is time to challenge myself. Do something different and daring.

I swallow and take three deep breaths in and out. I walk to the bottom of the water tower and wrap one shaky hand around the bar. My chest rises and falls with each nervous breath. I close my eyes, knowing it's best not to look up and see how far it is to climb. It's best to just do it and not think at all.

“Come on, Preston,” Jenna calls down. “You can do this. I promise you, there's a major reward for you, if you make it up here.”

I look up, despite my better judgment, and see her already at the top, holding on to the railing and leaning over.

I pRob to God the reward is finally knowing what her lips taste like.

That would be worth climbing up and down this thing a hundred times.

I step back from the tower and pull my jacket and sweater off. I'm so nervous, I'm sweating in all these clothes. I strip down to my black t-shirt and psych myself up. If Jenna can do this, I can do this.

I step to the ladder and just start climbing. I try not to think about how high up I am or how far I still have to go. I just climb, thinking of Jenna's face and what it would be like to kiss her and hold her in my arms.

I put one hand above the other, carefully making sure my foot is firmly planted on the ladder before I try to push myself up another step. The higher I go, the sweatier my palms become. I wipe them on my jeans and cling to the side, having to take a break to catch my breath.

I make the terrible mistake of looking down to see how far I've gone. I am disoriented, and for one horrifying moment, I'm afraid I'm going to fall.

Fear catches in my throat, cutting off my breath. I pull in close to the ladder and lean my head against the cold metal.

“I can't do this,” I shout.

“Yes, you can,” she says. “You're already more than half-way. The hardest part was taking that first step, trust me. All you have to do is not give up.”

I force air into my lungs and find the courage to keep moving.

Jenna keeps talking as I climb.

“You are so much stronger than your fears,” she says. “How many chances have you gotten to really prove your own strength? To show that you are more than just Tripp Wright's son? More than the money in your bank account, or the car that you drive? This is your chance. Just keep climbing. You're doing amazing.”

I focus on the sound of her voice. I climb and push through the fear that threatens to paralyze me.

And when I hit the top of the water tower and step onto the platform, the pride and excitement and relief that washes through me is better than any drug. I can't stop smiling.

“I cannot believe I just did that,” I say. “Holy shit.”

My hands are numb, but I force a fist into the air and shout.

“Wooohoooo.”

“Woohoo,” she yells, leaning over the railing. “You did it.”

Jenna raises her hand to give me a high-five, but I pull her into my arms and spin her around on the platform. I expect her to pull away and make some excuse about this being too complicated, but she throws her arms around me and buries her face in my neck. I hold on to her for a long moment, and when she does finally pull away, we are both out of breath. Our faces so close I can't concentrate on anything but her lips.

“Hey, I think you said something about a reward,” I say, my hands drawing the bottom of her shirt into fists as the back of my fingers brush the bare skin at her waist.

For a moment, I think she is going to lean in and let me kiss her. Her eyes meet mine and her nails dig into the back of my neck, drawing me closer. But before I drop my lips to hers, she turns my head to the side and backs away.

I draw in a breath and stare out. My lips part, and I can hardly believe the beauty that greets me.

The wide ocean expands as far as the eye can see in either direction. The moon is huge and full, its light shining on the water, highlighting each crested wave. The sky above is endless, dotted with millions of bright stars that cover us like a blanket. I have never felt so open. So free.

So completely insignificant.

“I told you it would be worth it,” she whispers.

Without taking my eyes off the night sky, I reach for her hand and lace my fingers with hers.

She was right.

Being up here with her is worth every terrifying moment.

Jenna

I take the beers from my pockets and set them down on the platform. I've been up here more than a dozen times, but the view always takes my breath away.

I take the top off one and hand it to Preston, but he shakes his head.

“I think you've earned it,” I say. I knew he was scared to climb up here, but I don't think the extent of his fear was clear to me until he was halfway up, clinging to the ladder for dear life. I feel a little guilty for pushing him so hard.

“Okay, one,” he says, taking the beer and downing half of it in one gulp.

I laugh and open one for myself. I sit down, threading my legs through the railing and leaning my arms and head against the middle rung.

“I love it up here,” I say. “It's so beautifully lonely, you know?”

“It's beautiful,” he says. He sits next to me, but doesn't dare to dangle his legs over the side like I have. “There's no freaking way I would ever come up here alone. They might never find my body at the bottom of this old thing.”

I laugh and shake my head. “I shouldn't have teased you. I didn't realize how scared you really were.”

He shrugs and takes another sip of his beer. “You were right. I need to push myself more. It's easy to get stuck in the same old routine,” he says. “You didn't seem scared at all. Do you come here a lot?”

“Every once in a while. I usually leave my phone in the truck, so it's just me and the wind,” I say. “No one to bother me or interrupt my thoughts.”

“What do you think about?”

I smile and look out at the ocean and the sky full of stars. “I usually come because I want to think about my future. Where I'm headed. Where I want to be someday,” I say. “But usually I end up thinking way too much about my past.”