The Fading Trilogy: Fading, Freeing, Falling: Includes 2 BONUS short stories: Hoping and Finding Forever (27 page)

"Where did you get those?" I ask, referring to the photos.

"They're mine," he says.

"Yours?"

"Yeah. Sometimes I get bored and like to mess around with my camera," he says casually.

"That's pretty amazing for just messing around. You only shoot people?"

"For the most part, yeah," he says as he gets up from his seat and walks over to me by the window. He picks up the picture of the woman's back and looks at it as if he hasn't seen it in a long time.

"She a model?" I ask about the woman in the photo.

"No, just some chick I used to know." He sets down the photo and walks to the couch while motioning for me to join him.

I walk over, sit down next to him, and ask, "So, when did you get into photography?"

"When I was in college I took some art classes. So, one day I just decided to buy a camera and started taking pictures. Like I said, I pretty much have no clue what I'm doing. Just a little hobby of mine I mess around with every now and then."

"You ever do anything with them?"

"No."

"Maybe you should," I say, and he turns to look at me and repeats my words back to me quietly, "Maybe I should."

"You sure you don't want to come out to the bar tonight to see Mark play?" he asks.

"I told you, I have to work."

"I just picked you up from work."

"I know, but I have to go back. One of the girls quit and Roxy hasn't hired anyone to replace her, so I've been picking up extra shifts," I explain. "Plus, I'd probably be tired and no fun to be around."

"I can't imagine it not being fun to be around you," he says as he looks at me intently, and I begin to feel uncomfortable with his words. "You ready to finish the run?"

A smile crosses his face when he stands up and reaches out his hand to me. I sit there for a beat before I hesitantly place my hand in his. When I do, he gives me a slight tug and pulls me off the couch. He never lets go of my hand as he locks up and we walk down the stairs and out to the driveway. This closeness has my nerves twisted up, and I'm sure he can feel sweat on my hand. As we walk out to the street, hands still connected, he asks, "Wanna make it a long run, or are you ready to head back?"

I take a hard swallow before saying, "Long."

He gives me a squeeze before he unwraps his fingers from around my hand, and we begin to run.

School has been really busy. It's the last week of classes before finals. Aside from work, I have been buried in my books and getting everything wrapped up before the quarter ends. I'm going into all my finals with perfect grades, so I am sure I will still be able to maintain my four point GPA.

I did manage to meet up with Ryan Thursday morning for our run. I was starting to get really stressed out, so the run was just what I needed. Ryan was considerate and let me ramble on and on the whole time about my classes and everything that I needed to do to make sure I was ready for my exams.

But now that classes are officially over until January, I can start to wind down a bit. I only have three finals next week and a studio final. Everyone has learned the same routine, and we will perform in groups of four for our final grading. I have the dance memorized and perfected, so today when I go to the studio, I plan to just work on my solo. Ms. Emerson will be meeting me up there in a little bit to critique what I have so far. I am surprised that she offered to do this for me since she never gives anyone private instruction. So when she offered, I immediately said yes.

Ryan said he would meet me at the studio around four o'clock to grab a coffee before he has to go into work. I shoot him a quick text as I am heading out.

Leaving now. See you in two hours?

I'll meet you in the parking lot.

OK, catch you later.

When I arrive at the studio, Ms. Emerson is already there waiting for me.

"Hi, I hope you weren't waiting long," I say when I walk in and set my bag down.

Walking over to the stereo, she says, "Not at all. I just got here. Did you stretch at home?"

"Yes, but I need to warm my muscles up a little more." The cold temperatures make it hard to keep my muscles loose, so after my pointes are on, I slide on some leg warmers and loose long pants.

"Well then, let's do a little floor work before we begin." She flips on the music, and she joins me in the center of the room as we do a few adagio combinations.

I have never danced alone alongside Ms. Emerson. She is as focused as I am on arm placements and bodylines. We move gracefully together through the movements and repeat the combination a few more times before she asks for my music. I hand her the disc, and she gets the music set up as I take my spot on the floor in fifth position. When I hear the strings, I slowly relevè on my pointes and begin a series of chainès across the floor. I continue through my choreography, and when I get to the peak of my developè, I begin spotting my head as I go into a variation series of fouettès. I hear Ms. Emerson beating the counts by loudly clapping her hands. When I come to the end, all she says is, "Again." She clicks the remote, and the music cues back up.

I repeat my steps, and I focus in on the movements as I hear: "I need more, Candace...Hit that position, and hold!"
CLAP CLAP CLAP
"Piquè! Piquè! Come on! I need more from you!" I hear her stern voice through the loud music and follow her commands. When I come to the end, she repeats, "Again."

We go through this process countless times before taking a break only to continue repeating this routine over and over. I keep pounding out the moves harder and harder, but she continues to yell and demand. We do this for over an hour, and I begin to grow exhausted when she shouts, "Again!"

The music repeats, and I go through the steps over and again. "Pick it up, Candace! Hit! Hit!" She claps the counts loudly and continues, "I'm not feeling it! Come ON! Feel it! Watch that port a bras. Demi second, make it strong!" I focus on her commands, trying to keep my emotions tight, although I feel like I'm at my end. She's relentless. "Again. Last one," she says, and she starts the music again.

"This time...
feel
it, Candace. Really feel it. Let it out."

I nod my head and silently take my position again as the music pounds through the room. Making my way through the steps, my toes are aching, but I push through again. I can hear the frustration in Ms. Emerson when she yells over the music. "Feel it, Candace! You're dead behind the movements...Make that spotting stronger!"
CLAP CLAP CLAP
"Hit those fouettès...Smooth out that demi right there. I'm getting nothing! Feel, Candace!"

She shuts off the music, and I stop, standing in the center of the floor when she walks toward me.

Speaking softly, she says, "Whatever walls you have built this year, you need to break them down. I'm getting nothing from you. You feel nothing."

"Yes," I say breathlessly as I nod my head.

"We spoke about this earlier, but I'm not seeing any changes. This is a powerful piece of music. In my opinion, the best piece of all the girls, but you're wasting it. Whatever this is...fix it."

"Okay." And before I can say anything else, she turns to leave.

When the door closes behind her, I let out my pent up frustration and scream through my clenched teeth. Ripping off my pointes, I throw them hard across the room. I lie back on the floor, taking a few deep breaths and feel the tears welling up. My emotions are on edge after being so harshly berated for the past two hours. I squeeze my eyes shut and feel the tears as they roll down my temples and into my hair. I throw my arm over my head and continue to breathe in and out slowly.

Letting a few minutes pass, I grab my things and leave. I just want to go home, shower, and try not to think about this disastrous rehearsal. I slam the door open when I walk out, and I'm shocked when I see Ryan leaning up against my car.
Shit!
I completely forgot that he would be here. Quickly, I wipe the tears off my cheeks and try to pull myself together fast. But before I can start walking, he's standing in front of me with both hands cupping my face.

"What happened?"

"Nothing, honestly. Just a tough rehearsal." My voice comes out wobbly, and I hate that.

Ryan stares down at me with a clenched jaw. Taking his thumbs, he wipes my damp cheeks. The tender action breaks my strong façade, and I fall into his chest allowing the comfort of his arms as they wrap around me. He cradles the back of my head with his hand the same way Jase does when he hugs me, but this feels different. His hold is strong and tight, and I let myself soften into him. Aside from Jase and Mark, there is no one that I ever let touch me like this. I know it isn't much, but it's difficult for me. Being in Ryan's embrace feels safe, so I wrap my arms around his waist as we stand in the empty parking lot.

When I start to pull back from him, he asks again, "Are you sure you're okay?"

I nod my head, uncertain of how my voice might sound.

Ryan takes the bag off of my shoulder and drapes his arm around me. "Come on," he says as he starts walking me to his jeep.

I don't ask where we are going, and honestly, I'm too worn out to really care. He helps me into his car, and when he closes the door, I rest my head against the back of the seat and close my eyes. Ryan doesn't say anything; he doesn't even turn on the music as we drive. It's only a few minutes later when the car stops in front of his loft.

When we get upstairs, I sit on the couch in his living room while he gets me a bottle of water from the kitchen. He sits down next to me, and I gulp the water down quickly.

"Feeling better?"

"Yeah, I'm sorry. After being yelled at for two hours, I just..."

"Don't worry," he says as he puts his arm around me and draws me closer to his side.

Leaning my head back on the couch, I say, "No...It's embarrassing."

"Don't let it be," he says.

"Can I ask you a huge favor?"

"Anything."

"Do you have dry shirt I can change into? I've been dancing for the past few hours, and I'm sweaty and stinky."

He laughs at me and says, "You don't stink at all actually."

"Liar."

"I'll be right back." I watch Ryan as he head up the stairs, to what I presume is his bedroom.

"You need socks?" he yells down.

"Please. It's cold," I say.

When he comes back down, he hands me his clothes and shows me to the guest bathroom. "Thanks. Just give me a few minutes."

"Take your time."

I turn on the faucet and wait for the water to run hot. I open the linen closet and find a washcloth. When I take off my clothes, I wet the washcloth and freshen up as best as I can. I slip on his old UW shirt and a pair of his pajama pants, leaving my dirty clothes folded on the side of the sink. His clothes are huge on me, and I have to tug on the ties of his pants to cinch up the waist and rollup up the waistband several times, but the pants still drag on the floor.

Walking back into the living room, Ryan is sitting back on the couch, flipping through channels on the TV. I sit down next to him, and he grabs the bun that is still secured on the top of my head and laughs. "This is cute," he teases me.

I swat his hand away. "Whatever."

"Come here," he says, and I lean back on the couch with him. "So, what happened?"

"I have this tough piece of music, and I'm having a hard time connecting with it. My instructor keeps telling me what I need to fix, but I don't really know how. It's frustrating. I can perfect my moves, but I don't know how to get into this piece."

"So she just bashed you the whole time?

"It's how she is. But the fact that she even came in to work with me is unheard of. She's extremely stern, but she's only trying to help me."

"I didn't like seeing you upset."

Looking up at him, I say, "It's not a big deal, really."

"I didn't like it." He says this intently as he looks down at me, and I have to look away from him because when he says things like this, it makes me feel too much. I know Jase likes Ryan, but the other night Mark had mentioned that he has a bit of a reputation for hooking up with random women. It's hard for me to picture him that way because I don't see him like that, but at the same time, it makes me feel like I should be even more cautious around him.