The Extremely Epic Viking Tale of Yondersaay (20 page)

“We did it a few times,” Dani admitted.

“—but then the bridge started to get angry and started shaking and lurching first, and then it just flung us back onto this side of the river,” Granny said.

“It hurt,” Dani said.

“So then we did what we saw Hamish do,” Granny said. “We came down the bank a bit and tried to wade across, but the water started flowing in the wrong direction. It swooshed us into the whirlpool.”

“And the whirlpool swung us around and around and around until I thought we’d drown or get sick,” Dani said.

“Or both,” Granny said.

“Or both, exactly,” Dani said. “Then the whirlpool rose right up and spat us out on the bank again.”

“We only did that once,” Granny said.

“I’m sure,” Rarelief said.

“It was quite scary,” Dani said.

“Very scary,” Granny agreed.

“I hear you,” Rarelief said.

“We thought we’d try one more thing then,” Dani continued. “We thought we’d try to walk behind the waterfall. But that didn’t work either.”

“I don’t believe it!” the oak said, barely suppressing a laugh.

“It spat at us,” Granny said.

“It spat at you?”

“The waterfall, yes,” Dani said. “It turned itself clean around and sent big jets of water into us, knocking us backward onto the rocks on the ground. So we thought we might just come back here, Mr. Rarelief, sir, and take you up on your offer, if you didn’t mind terribly. And we thought that we’d, you know—”

“Listen to what you had to say,” Granny finished. “We thought you could help us after all. If you didn’t mind.”

“I don’t mind one bit. Sit there and dry yourselves, and I’ll tell you all my knowledge about this day.” And Rarelief peeled off big sheets of dry moss from between his roots, which Granny and Dani used as towels.

“This day?” Dani asked.

“Christmas Eve. And all the Christmas Eves. And don’t be anxious. You will be off again in search of the Boy King—”

“The Boy King?”

“The boy. What did you call him earlier? Small Brother King of Nowhere?”

“No, I mean, he’s not a king—a Boy King or a Red King. He’s no kind of king. He’s Ruairi. His name is Ruairi, and he’s my little brother.”

“Fear not, small girl. You’ll be back on your way after him in no time at all.” And Rarelief began to tell Granny and Dani all they needed to know to help them get safely onwards, across the island.

“Things started going downhill after King Dudo the Mightily Impressive’s fiftieth year. You realize, of course, that fifty years old in Viking times is getting on to being ancient,” Rarelief began.

“Fifty in our times is getting on to being ancient,” Dani muttered to herself.

Granny turned and looked at her. “You might think so, Dani, but I know a lot of fifty year olds and indeed sixty, seventy, and eighty year olds who would disagree vehemently with you.”

“Of course
they’d
think fifty isn’t ancient. It’s all relative, Granny,” Dani explained.

Rarelief chuckled. “A fifty-year-old oak tree is a sheer baby.”

“By the way,” Dani said, “just one quick question.”

“Ask away,” Rarelief said.

“So King Dudo and Queen Ursula didn’t stay here on Yondersaay?”

“They spent a lot of time here over the years, but after the big splash wedding in the harbor, the Mightily Impressives went back to the king’s castle in Denmark. He had a kingdom to run, you know, and of course, no one there knew for sure that he hadn’t died a gruesome and bloody death on the ice floe at the hands of the ravenous bear. He had to get back to let his people know he was alive and kicking.”

“Ah, I see,” Dani said. “Another quick question?”

“Shoot,” said Rarelief.

“I don’t mean to be rude, but my brother has been kidnapped and all. Is there any chance we can hurry this along?”

“I’ll skip ahead where I can. Now … where was I?” Rarelief said.

“You and he have a lot in common,” Dani muttered to Granny.

“Fast-forward a bunch of years,” Rarelief continued, “and King Dudo the Mightily Impressive had grown rather fond of the quiet life at home with his Heart’s True Love of a wife and their gorgeous wee daughters.

“He was so content he didn’t keep himself on top of state affairs the way he used to. Someone made the suggestion to him that he hire a secretary, and so he did just that. Alas the secretary, who had come highly recommended, took advantage of his position and abused the power King Dudo gave him. He signed decrees and made orders in King Dudo’s name without consulting King Dudo.

“Things got quite dire. King Dudo and Queen Ursula came back from their summer holidays on Yondersaay one year to find the people of Denmark rioting in the streets. Dudo got his council together. The secretary said the riots were a result of certain particular investments coming to nothing. Right there and then, he ran through a long list of risky loans and investments made with the Danish sovereign coffers, which had shriveled up or disappeared.

“Dudo shook his head; he had no recollection of making any of these decisions. But the secretary had Dudo’s ear now. He convinced Dudo that the mistakes were Dudo’s and Dudo’s alone. Many believe, but none have a shred of proof, that this secretary used potions and charms to weaken Dudo’s mind and make him doubt himself. But, like I say, there’s no proof of that.

“Not wanting to believe that this trusted confidante could have deceived him so despicably, Dudo accepted the blame for all the troubles that had befallen his beloved country. He apologized profusely to his subjects and took to his castle, defeated, and ashamed.

“The secretary said he would take care of everything and refused to allow Dudo to see anyone, including his council. Dudo’s men, those close to him, those who’d fought with him, were not fooled by this secretary and did their very best to help him. They sent secret messenger pigeons to the castle. But Dudo, convinced utterly and surely of his guilt and tied to the secretary who never left his side, sent the pigeons back, unanswered.

“Dudo, who had lived his entire life with the welfare of his people as his primary concern, finally accepted that this man had undone all his good work. But it was too much to bear. Dudo, known for being a man of action, did not act.

“It wasn’t long before Dudo started to get letters from fuming creditors in other lands. He responded with messages promising that the pennings were in the post. The messages kept coming. When pressed, he sent out messages saying that the first boat with the pennings was pillaged, that he was sending another boat with more pennings. But of course there were no boats. There were no pennings. The state coffers were as empty as the head of the man who ran by here a wee while ago, Hamish Sinclair, who runs the butchers.

“When the creditors started arriving at King Dudo’s castle in person to ask after their payments, Dudo took to hiding himself in his quarters. When the king of Groenland came, Dudo sent a parchment out to the hallway where he was waiting. Written on the parchment were the words
‘I’m not here. I’m off in Antwerp pillaging diamonds to pay you back. Kind regards, Dudo.’

“The king of Groenland was an old adversary of the Danish king’s. Each had great respect and admiration for the other. Sensing something was not quite right, the king of Groenland forced his way past the guards in the castle hallway and stormed into King Dudo’s quarters. The secretary, at the door, made only a vague attempt to stop the king from bursting in.

“The king of Groenland slammed open the door to find King Dudo in his bath, up to his armpits in bubbles, with nothing on except for his large, golden, winged helmet and a pair of stripy blue armbands. Dudo was playing with a flock of yellow rubber duckies and a longship bubble machine.

“‘Leave us!’ the king of Groenland said to the secretary, and the secretary, for once, retreated. The king and the king talked in private. Eventually, the Groenlandish king emerged and demanded to be taken to the kitchens for a bite to eat before he was to make the long journey back to his kingdom.

“The secretary spoke quietly to Dudo while the king of Groenland was eating in the kitchens. He told King Dudo that he would make all his problems disappear and would negotiate on his behalf with all Denmark’s creditors. He would do it, he said quietly to King Dudo, in return for one miniscule favor.

“King Dudo, all dried and dressed, asked what the secretary wanted. The secretary stooped down in that crooked way he had, he put his lips to Dudo’s ear, and he whispered with his soft yet high-pitched voice.

“King Dudo listened and took a moment to think. ‘I assent, I agree to this request on the understanding that you will undo all the strife you have caused, go to this place at once, and never come back to Denmark.’

“‘I promise,’ said the secretary, bowing low. He left the king’s quarters and made his way to the kitchen where he spoke to the Groenlandish king.

“You see, the secretary hadn’t squandered everything at all. He just made it look that way. He had actually stolen it all and hidden it away.

“He told the Groenlandish king there had been a big misunderstanding, and he took him to where all the jewels and pennings were kept. He paid him back, and he gave him enough to give to all the other creditors.

When all Dudo’s debts were paid and all the hungry people of Denmark were fed, the secretary went to King Dudo’s quarters to bid him farewell. ‘It is settled,’ the secretary said.

“‘Then we are agreed.’ Dudo looked him square in the eye and said, ‘I hereby invite you to Yondersaay, I bestow the title ‘jarl’ upon you, and I allow you the right to attempt to claim it as yours.’”

“
No
!” said Granny.

“
No
!” said Dani.

“He did
not
just give away Yondersaay to that scheming, double-crossing—” Granny said.

“—poisonous, lying, two-faced—” Dani interrupted.

“—calculating, conniving, underhand—” Granny continued.

“—manipulative, son of a—” Dani went on.

“—secretary, did he?” Granny asked.

“It would appear that way,” Rarelief said.

“And what did Ursula have to say about this?” Granny asked. “No way bear-wrestling, dolphin-surfing, eagle-gliding Ursula Swan White took this lying down. No way!”

“When Ursula entered King Dudo’s quarters a short while later,” Rarelief said, “she noticed that her husband, for the first time in many months, seemed to be back to himself. She was happy, of course, but she was a tad suspicious. And for the first time in many, many months, the ever-present lingering secretary was nowhere to be seen. King Dudo told her about his arrangement with the secretary fellow.

“Queen Ursula was furious. She was fuming, outraged, and livid all at once. Her husband had thrown away their children’s birthright, the island of her forefathers, Odin’s land of treasures. She screamed and shouted and exploded out her rage. Finally, after a prolonged fit of frothing anger, Ursula turned to her husband and with white-hot calm, she said, ‘And to think, for all these years’—she paused, took a deep breath, and pierced Dudo with an angry glare—‘I shaved my toes for you.’

“King Dudo came to Ursula, he wrapped her in his arms, and he took her face in his hands. And he whispered something in her ear. Finally, Ursula calmed down. She sat on the enormous royal bed. Dudo sat beside her and took her hand in his. They smiled at each other, their love for each other as strong as on the day by the gargling brook when they first declared their feelings.

“‘At least,’ she said eventually, ‘we can be certain we’ve seen the last of that secretary of yours. I never liked him. I never liked the way he stooped or appeared as if from nowhere or the greasy way he smiled. I never did warm to Silas Scathe.’”

“Silas Scathe!” Granny clutched her chest.

“Mr. Scathe!” Dani gasped.

Violaceous Hall was a castle of colossal proportions, but you would not know that to look at it from the outside. If you scan the entirety of Fenrir’s Seat, otherwise known as Volcano Mount Violaceous, all you can see is a little stone shack the size of a toolshed perched halfway up the side of the mountain with no discernible path to the door. Abandoned and unused looking, it might possibly be used as a shelter for climbers lost in a blizzard but may not even be very effective at that; it’s hard to tell if there’s a sound roof or if it’s properly balanced on that rock. It looks precarious. Perhaps if you went in there, you would fall through disintegrating timbers. You might be better off, as a climber caught unexpectedly in a storm, to shelter in the cave twenty feet below the shack. That’s what you might think if you scanned the entirety of Mount Violaceous. Looking up at the mountain from the Beach of Bewilderment or from the Crimson Forest, you would have no idea that something truly magnificent was staring down at you.