The Ex (The Corny Myers Series) (2 page)

CHAPTER TWO

Ratatata, Ratatata
.
Our new Maytag top-load washer was in the middle of the spin cycle. My legs were wrapped tight around Steve’s waist as he kept time with the washer. I nipped his neck as his hands moved from my shoulders to my bare legs. He lifted me slightly and slid deeper.

“Corny, this was a great idea,” he spoke in a ragged whisper as he took my earlobe between his teeth and gently sucked.

“I know. I know. This feels incredible. The only problem is, I can sense Pete’s beady eyes on my jiggling breasts and he’s distracting me from nirvana.” The spin cycle would eventually toss us both into the abyss of ecstasy, if I could resist the urge to look around for my perverted ferret. I’ve tried everything to keep Pete from spying on us while we performed the washing machine mambo. I’ve locked him in his cage, bathroom, and even the pantry, but he was like Houdini, the escape artist. I adopted Pete last year when my cousin Kari dropped him on my doorstep, on her way to Hawaii for her honeymoon. She never bothered to pick him back up. Except for his voyeurism, he was a great pal.

“Steve, hand me that dirty sock.” He didn’t miss a beat, and handed me the sock. I launched the stinky thing through the doorway.

Hiss, Hiss… Hey, what was that for?
Pete sounded outraged.

I ignored my ferret and stroked Steve’s sweat-soaked back. “Oh boy. Faster, Steve.” He continued to watch us.

“Pete, go away if you know what’s good for you,” I said between moans.

Fine.
He scurried away to sulk.

Thump, thump, thump
. The washing machine stopped. “Steve, hurry! Hit the ‘go’ button. I’m close.” He reached behind me to reset the dial and smiled wickedly. He moved deeper inside me.

Ratatata, Ratatata
.
That was all I needed. My muscles convulsed, and I screamed, “Yes!” Steve’s hips stopped pumping five seconds later. He slumped over me and sucked in air.

His heartbeat slowed and he whispered in my ear, “Corny, you’re going to have to move that beautiful body of yours. My legs are cramping.”

I raised my head from his shoulder and caught a drop of sweat with my tongue, which made a slow journey down his chest. “That was incredible. Can we do this again?”

“My brain says yes.” He looked down at himself. “He says no. We’ll start up again when I get home tonight.”

I braced my hands on the lid and tried to move. “Okay, but help. My butt’s stuck to the lid.” He laughed and lifted me effortlessly to the ground.

“Babe, if that’s the worst thing that happens to you today, I’ll be a lucky man.”

We walked into our bedroom to get dressed for the day.

“Hey, you make me sound like I’m a walking disaster.” A little hurt, I grabbed one of his shirts off the floor and draped the soft fabric over my shoulders, and followed him into the bathroom. As he got into the shower, I stripped his shirt off and climbed in too. “Do you really think I’m a klutz?”

I lathered my hair and waited for his answer.

“No. I wouldn’t exactly call you a klutz. But, you’ve been hospitalized three times since I’ve known you,” he said, while he shook his head at me.

“In my defense, smashing through the window of a cupcake shop wasn’t my fault. Two inattentive drivers caused the wreck. And my poor Mini Cooper was turned into a Micro Cooper.” We got out of the shower and dried off. “I admit; I’ve gotten myself into some pretty strange situations recently.”

“Yeah, like when you decided to come to my rescue in the bar and ended up with a concussion.”

“Umm… yeah. That was another one of those strange situations.” He wrapped me in his arms and rested his chin on the top of my head.

“I love your passion for life and wouldn’t change anything about you. I only want you to be careful.”

Steve pulled on his pants and leaned in for a kiss.

“I’ll do my best to come home bruise-free today.” I meant it. I didn’t like to get hurt.

Steve’s cell phone buzzed, with a text. I squinted at the caller ID—Celeste. Steve groaned.

“I’ll return her call when I get to work. I love you, Corny.”

“I love you too. See you tonight,” I replied.

In Steve’s profession, he couldn’t turn off his phone, to get away from an ex, like most people. Like last night, Steve and I were atop the washing machine when his phone buzzed a text. His clothes were on the laundry room floor, along with his phone. He saw the message and knew who’d called. He never missed a thrust while his phone buzzed with another text. He didn’t rush to return her messages, which made me feel better. When he did, Celeste and Steve talked for twenty minutes. Pete listened and told me Steve was all business, even though he heard a woman laugh in the background. In my defense, I didn’t
ask
Pete to spy.

****

Pete rolled around the house in his plastic ferret ball, to get his daily exercise, when Steve walked in that night. He smiled when he noticed Pete’s ball wedged between the couch and wall. He nudged the ball with his toe and Pete took off like he was in the Indianapolis 500. I hadn’t even noticed he was stuck. That might be the reason I didn’t get asked to babysit my friend’s kids. Not that I’d let a kid roll around in a plastic ball—well maybe if the kid begged.

Steve grabbed a beer from the refrigerator and dropped down next to me on the couch. I took the beer from his outstretched hand, swallowed a large gulp, handed the bottle back and resisted the urge to burp. I bet Celeste didn’t burp.

“Steve, how many times did Celeste call you
today
?”

“Five. You know, I don’t remember her being that chatty.” He took my hand in his, leaned against me, closed his green eyes and sighed. Steve looked tired and was probably hungry.

“Honey, I’m going to make dinner. I’ll let you know when everything’s ready,” I said.

“Okay. Thanks.”

He slumped down on the couch and closed his eyes.

Half an hour later, when dinner was close to ready, I stroked Steve’s face, kissed his relaxed lips and his eyes opened.

“Hey sleepyhead, dinner’s almost ready,” I said softly.

“I’ll be right in,” he said and stretched his arms above his head.

Steve found me in the kitchen while I put the final touches on dinner. He wrapped his arms around my shoulders and kissed the top of my head.

“Steve, don’t you think Celeste calling you five times in one day is excessive? Really, what could be that important?”

“Nothing earth-shattering. She asked how a couple of our mutual friends were doing, is all.”

“And this couldn’t be asked in an email? I think she wants you back in her life,” I declared.

“You’re my life. I love
you
. You have nothing to worry about and I don’t have plans to spend any extra time with her.”

“I’m being a worrywart. Let’s eat and go to bed.”

“Sounds great.”

CHAPTER THREE

The sun already set behind gray fluffy clouds, when Steve walked into the house. He wrapped me in his arms and gently squeezed. I spotted a smudge of brown in the corner of his mouth. I leaned forward and licked—chocolate.

“Celeste called today to tell me the class she’s teaching is long and intensive. And that the group usually spends the evenings debriefing. She emphasized that significant others usually don’t come along,” Steve informed me.

“Seriously…? How could you have dated such a butt munch?” I asked.

He stepped back and laughed. “I don’t know. Looking back, I think I was relieved when she moved. If she wasn’t an expert in her field, I wouldn’t consider going to her class. I called a buddy of mine who’s taken the course before. He told me anything after class is optional. I won’t be spending my evenings with the class.”

“Great. I’m in need of a little stress relief. If you know what I mean?” I asked.

“Let’s go turn on the spin cycle.” Steve knew exactly what I meant.

“Great minds think alike.”

CHAPTER FOUR

I couldn’t wait to tell my friends, Brenda Howser and Kitty Skinner, about Celeste and jury duty. We’ve been best pals since kindergarten. We got together every other Friday night for happy hour at Chico’s in downtown Seattle. The only valid excuse for a happy hour no-show was a new sweetie.

Brenda dated John Smith, aka The Goon. He was mysterious, and worked erratic hours, but he was hot, kind, and good in bed. That was enough for her—for now.

Kitty, on the other hand was closemouthed about her new relationship. I was pretty sure she dated Steve’s partner Aaron, but I hadn’t been able to confirm my suspicions—yet. A few months ago I was involved in a bar fight—not my fault. Brenda witnessed serious sparks fly between Kitty and Aaron. Steve said to keep my nose out of their business—I disagreed. When we met tonight Kitty should come clean.

****

I’d realized real quick I couldn’t run my pet detective business all by myself. Brenda had a niece named Halo, who was unemployed, previously worked at Starbucks, and loved animals. I hired her over the phone. She showed up on her first day of work with multiple shades of purple hair, a pierced nose and eyebrows. She was eccentric, but I couldn’t imagine my business without her—plus she made awesome lattes. Halo’s coffee masterpiece today, was a double shot, pumpkin mocha, soy latte and she’d swirled angel wings into the foam. The coffee was almost too pretty to drink.

After I returned my messages, I asked Halo, “If I get selected as a juror, I’m not sure how long the trial will last. Are you comfortable taking on my work cases?”

“You bet, boss. I can handle anything that comes my way. The lost pets of the world will get found quickly and safely with me on their case. Jacob’s unemployed and loves little critters as much as I do. He’ll be happy to help out too,” Halo said confidently.

“Well… if you get stumped, call my cell. I’ll get back to you on a break. Wait... who’s Jacob? I thought you were dating a drummer named, Simon.”

“Old news, boss. I told Simon to take a hike Saturday night when I caught him smooching on a waitress. Jacob bought me a drink and we’ve been hanging out ever since. He’s cool. You’d like him.”

“I’m sure I would. I’ll let you know how things go.” Oh boy. Halo went through guys like I went through doughnut holes—fast.

****

I wanted to look and feel confident if I met Steve’s ex. I scheduled an appointment for a hair trim and highlights. Alessandro Acquistti, my stylist, had a cancellation at noon and wanted to help me out. I munched on a celery stick, and wondered how many excuses Celeste would come up with to talk to Steve today.

My salon appointment ran much longer than expected. Who could say no to Alessandro when he wanted to add another shade of red to my hair?

At 4:00 p.m. he declared with a flip of his sleek, long, black hair, “I am a Picasso, with hair.”

He cracked me up. Alessandro wasn’t gay, Italian, nor does he have a real accent. One day he’d laughed hysterically at one of my raunchy jokes and his accent slipped. I was shocked.

Without his heavy Italian accent he confided in me, “Corny, my image is everything. People have a hard time spending a hundred and fifty dollars for a haircut from a guy named Ralph Smith, but not from Alessandro Acquistti. Will you please keep my secret? I’ll give you a lifetime discount of ten percent on all my services.”

Because I had no problem with his secret, he fit me in when I had a hair emergency.

With another flip of his beautiful hair he declared, “You may ‘ohh and ahh’, but do not touch your hair.” He whispered in my ear, “The shellac needs time to dry.”

My hair had never looked better. The highlights Alessandro added were subtle, yet vibrant. I tipped him twenty dollars and he handed me the bottle he referred to as shellac.

“Only use a small drop, carefully comb through and blow dry. Please don’t use more than a drop,” Alessandro instructed.

“Why only a drop?” I asked.

“Have you seen the movie, ‘There’s Something About Mary?’”

“Yes, Cameron Diaz was great in that movie.”

“Remember her bad hair moment?” he asked.

“Eww. How could I forget?”

“If you use too much of this product, your whole head will look like her bangs. Think Gary Busey on a really bad day… “

“Right! More is
not
better. Thank you. See you next time, Alessandro.”

****

I had twenty minutes to drive forty miles in Friday night traffic—no problem. I arrived with two minutes to spare. In dire situations, my Mini Cooper could buzz through areas where other cars couldn’t go.

Brenda’s eyes widened when she saw my hair.

“You look hot!” Then she sadly informed me, “Kitty won’t be joining us… again.”

We didn’t resent she skipped happy hour for sex, but we wanted to know who she got down and dirty with. Chips and salsa had already been delivered to the table and Brenda had speckles of salsa juice on her blouse. I grabbed a chip, but didn’t eat. I felt torn about jury duty because Celeste would be in town. “I have two pieces of news—one kind of good, and one kind of juicy.”

“Okay. Give me the juicy one first,” Brenda said.

Brenda carefully selected another chip, and scooped more salsa, but before she could deposit the chip into her mouth another glob dropped off the edge. This time the mess landed on her voluptuous breast.

“Oh crap,” she mumbled and wiped her napkin across her boob, which smeared the liquid even more. She dropped the dirty napkin on the table where several other’s lay discarded.

“Well… this chick named Celeste, who is Steve’s old girlfriend, is trying to get back into his pants.”

“Steve’s hot. I’m surprised you haven’t had to fight off mobs of women. You should let her babysit Pete for the day. That would send her packing.”

“You’re right, I didn’t think of that.”

“Problem solved. What’s your second piece of news?” Brenda asked.

That was quick. Why didn’t she want more details? “I got called for jury duty again.”

“Hey, this could be your lucky trial. And think; you could be a juror on an extortion or corporate espionage case.”

“Yeah, but Celeste will be in town while I’m tied up.”

“Cheer up, you trust Steve,” Brenda said.

I expected more support. I wanted to bash Celeste a little, but I’d gotten nothing. The waiter arrived and we ordered margaritas, chicken quesadillas and cheesy nachos. Brenda continued to munch on chips and stared at the tablecloth.

“Earth to Brenda.” I waved my hand in front of her face.

“What?” Brenda asked as more salsa landed on her blouse—she needed a bib.

“Hey, what’s going on Brenda? Are you okay? You’ve trashed your pretty blouse.”

“No, I’m not okay. I haven’t told anybody this, but I got laid off from my job today. We were bought out by a large government contractor and they’re consolidating positions. They already had a HR specialist; they wanted to keep her instead of me. I’m lucky Lion’s Engineering has a generous severance package. I’ll be fine for the next couple of months. You don’t happen to need another Girl Friday, do you? Halo loves working for you.”

Poor Brenda. She’d worked for Lions Engineering since high school. She started as a receptionist and got her Human Resource degree at night school.

“I’m sorry to hear about your job. That sucks! But, I’d love for you to help out. Halo’s going to take care of my customers if I’m on jury duty. You could take care of the office: answer questions and take appointments. If you like the job and Halo works out as an investigator, maybe we could make you permanent.”

“That would be great! I haven’t even gotten my severance pay and I’m already working again. What time should I show up? I can’t wait to tell John.”

“Halo wanders in about 8:00 a.m. Have her swing by, and pick you up on her way in. She can show you the ropes before she heads out for the day.”

“I’m really excited. John wanted me to come over tonight, but I wasn’t in the mood—now I am.”