The Ethical Slut (7 page)

FROM THE SLUT’S point of view, the world is sometimes a dangerous place. Lots of people seem to think it is okay to go to any lengths to stop us from being sexual.

Some antisex crusaders try to make loving dangerous for women by outlawing birth control and abortion, leading to unwanted pregnancies and back-alley medical care. Others would outlaw access to sex information, in schools or on the Internet, so that our children cannot learn to care for their health and well-being and have no access to safer-sex training that would teach them how to avoid spreading AIDS. In an appalling development since the first edition of this book, a vaccine that helps prevent cervical cancer in women is being met with resistance from puritans who believe that inoculating a young woman against cancer somehow encourages her to have sex. Some people purporting to have the word from God preach on the public airwaves that AIDS is divine punishment for any sexuality that deviates from what they believe to be normal. We find such preaching far more obscene than any possible form of sex.

There are places where some people believe that being a slut makes you fair game for violence. Why were you walking down that street
at night in a short dress or tight pants? No wonder you got raped or assaulted. It must be the victim’s fault. And you look so queer—no wonder that gang decided to beat you up.

We are also considered fair game for other forms of oppression. Multiple sexual partners can be seen as a good reason to take all your property, your children, and your future income in a punitive divorce settlement. You could lose your job, or your promise for advancement, or your professional reputation, if the wrong people find out about your personal life.

We hope this examination of the dangers of sluttery will lead you to ask yourself some questions. What is my experience of oppression and how does it affect me? Who do I have to lie to in my life? What are my closets? As you look deeper, you might ask yourself: what assumptions have I made about how my sexuality should be? Do I hold judgments about what “good” and “nice” people do that I wind up turning against myself?

When we judge ourselves by cultural values imposed from the outside, when women believe they ought to be small and quiet, when gay people believe that their sexual choice is a neurosis, or when we all believe we would be better people if we were able to be monogamous, this is internalized oppression. When we apply these unfair judgments to other people who are like us, when we see our friends as
too
slutty or
too
free, this is called horizontal hostility. We suggest you look through
chapter 2
, “Myths and Realities,” as a checklist, to see where the beliefs that you learned in our sex-negative culture might be getting in your way.

Those of us who choose to run our lives and loves in an unconventional manner should probably be prepared for the fact that many parts of the world will not welcome us with open arms. While there are certainly ways to protect yourself against some social, logistical, and financial consequences, we can’t guarantee that there never will be consequences. It’s not easy being easy.

Ex-spouses, parents, in-laws, and others who don’t share your values about the potential for inclusive relationships may be hostile. Your friendly neighborhood pastor may not be sympathetic, either. Bringing both of your partners to the company picnic is not a good way to ensure your continued ascent through the corporate hierarchy. We recommend extreme caution in choosing who to come out to: yes, we know you’re blissfully happy and want to share your joy with the world, but remember, you can’t un-tell. We know people who have lost jobs, child custody, and more because the wrong people have become aware of their sexual choices.

Some landlords are reluctant to rent to groups that don’t conform to the traditional family structure; although this may be technically illegal, in our experience it’s common, and we suggest that you be prepared to tell a teeny white lie when necessary. (“Why, yes, he’s my adopted brother.”) Some leases contain clauses that allow landlords to terminate rental agreements on the basis of “immoral behavior” or “association with undesirable people” and most allow them to kick you out for illegal behavior—which in some states includes nonmarital sex.

Similarly, your personal love and sex arrangements are best kept out of the workplace: both of us have lost jobs and clients for being who we are. While some cities and states offer some protection to people who are gay, lesbian, or transgender, we are not aware of any that guarantee equal rights for sluts. Unless you are absolutely certain that your employer or your coworker is slut-positive—not just gay, or a swell person with a great fund of dirty jokes, or someone who used to sleep around in college—we recommend a capacious and well-insulated closet.

For information about protecting your legal and political rights as a practitioner of a nontraditional sexual lifestyle, check out the Resource Guide at the end of the book.

If you and your partner(s) are living in a somewhat marriage-like structure, with the expectation of sharing property, providing for one another in the event of illness or death, raising children, or running a business together, we strongly recommend official legal documentation
of your status and intentions. Terrifying stories of lover kept from lover when one of them is hospitalized, a longtime partner left penniless and homeless after someone’s unexpected death, individuals who have been parents in all ways but blood losing an orphaned child to a partner’s parents or ex-spouse, and so on should be enough to convince you that it’s time to get official about all this.

You do not legally own your children, and the legal agreements you can make about them are limited by that fact. You can use your will to express your desires about who will care for your children after your death, but the court may not be obliged to follow your wishes. In some cases a nonbiological parent can adopt a lover’s children as a stepparent. But your children are not property, and you cannot give them to anyone you choose. States that don’t allow same-sex couples to adopt also resist second-parent adoption, meaning if you are a child’s third parent from birth, you have fewer rights than any parent from a second, third, or fifteenth marriage.

Aside from that, it is possible, and not difficult, to make fully legal contracts to document your agreements on relationship issues. A publishing company called Nolo Press specializes in do-it-yourself legal books, complete with forms and step-by-step instructions. Janet and her previous partner chose not to engage in legal marriage although, since they were an opposite-sex couple, they could have done so; instead, they used a Nolo Press book to outline their legal agreements with powers of attorney and wills.

Pay special attention to durable powers of attorney for finance and health care, and to wills. While the law will not support everything an eager slut might want to do with his money and property, your chances of having your desires upheld by the law will be greatly improved if you express them in a formal and legal manner.

If your agreements are particularly complicated, or if things of great value (such as a lot of money or a successful business) are involved, you may want to go beyond the do-it-yourself level and contact an attorney. If you have that kind of money, you probably know more about this than we do. Do try to find an attorney who is open to nontraditional relationships; you can find referral lists in the Resource Guide at the end of the book.

We have neither the space nor the expertise to tell you all the ways that people with nontraditional sexualities can go about setting up their lives—options range all the way from adopting your partner to setting up a business trust, and beyond. But please, don’t assume that your good intentions, heartfelt love, and general wonderfulness will protect you. Sluts don’t have that luxury. Do your homework and get the law on your side.

THE FIRST EDITION of this book was subtitled “A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities.” Now that we’re older and a little bit wiser, even that sweeping statement seems a bit limiting: sluthood means infinite possibilities of all kinds, not just the sexual. If you think a “celibate slut” is a contradiction in terms, we have a few surprises in store for you: sluthood lives in the brain, not between the legs, and can fit comfortably and joyously into whatever consensual sexual and relationship pattern you choose.

Folks who say no thanks to sex are becoming an increasingly visible minority. Asexuality refers to people who simply don’t experience sexual attraction, and celibacy to those who feel attraction but prefer, for whatever reason, not to act on it. We think that any kind of sexual freedom must include the freedom to
not
have sex, without being pestered or pathologized.

Traditionally, celibacy has offered a way for people to focus on intellectual or spiritual concerns, without the distraction of fleshly lusts. If you’re on a religious quest, or working on your doctoral dissertation, or undergoing a major life change, celibacy—short-term or long-term—may offer a valid means of narrowing your focus for a while.

Similarly, people for whom sex or relationships have caused problems may choose a period of celibacy as a pathway toward self-examination: “What kind of person am I when I’m being me just for myself?” Dossie was celibate for this reason for five months after she left an abusive partner, after which she burst forth into feminism and conscious sluttery.

Some people are celibate, but not by choice: people who are incarcerated, ill or disabled, geographically isolated, socially unskilled, or underage may have trouble finding partners for consensual sex. Others are celibate simply because they do not, for whatever reason, feel like being sociable or sexual for a while, or perhaps for good.

We do not see “celibate slut” or “asexual slut” as in any way a contradiction in terms. There are infinite ways of relating to other people—romantically, intimately, domestically, and more—and if you’ve opened your life and heart to as many of those ways as possible, you’re one of us.

One friend of ours drives us nuts by moaning, “I don’t have a relationship … just all these
friends
!” We have news for him, and for you: friendship
is
a relationship, an important one that offers tremendous opportunities for the things we need most out of our relationships: intimacy, companionship, support in times of trouble, and more.

We are amused by sluthood-skeptics, often straight women, who are appalled by the idea of loving more than one person … and who nonetheless have a best friend, someone with whom they share their deepest secrets, who may in fact be as important a part of their lives as their spouse or lover. If you have a lover and a best friend who are not the same person, you’re already practicing many of the skills of sluthood as you manage each of their needs for intimacy, time, and affection.

If one of those good, intimate friends becomes your lover … what then? Will it ruin the friendship? Will it lead to something more, something that threatens another part of your life? These are the concerns of many people encountering the possibilities of friendly sex for the first time.

The cultural ban on having sex with your friends is an inevitable offshoot of a societal belief that the only acceptable reason to have sex is to lead to a monogamous marriagelike relationship. We believe, on the other hand, that friendship is an excellent reason to have sex and that sex is an excellent way to maintain a friendship.

But monogamy-centrist culture affects us all. In single life, we can observe the Land of One-Night Stands, in which you go home with a pick-up and share some hot sex, then the next morning you look at each other and decide if the relationship has life-partner potential. If not, you leave, with much embarrassment, and the unspoken rule is that you will never be comfortable with that weighed-in-the-balance- and-found-wanting person again. Sex as audition is detrimental to people and to relationships. It happens because most people have no script for sexual intimacy in the midrange between complete stranger and total commitment.

How do you learn to share intimacy without falling in love? We would propose that we
do
love our friends, and particularly those we share sex with: these individuals are our family, often more permanent in our lives than marriages. With practice, we can develop an intimacy based on warmth and mutual respect, much freer than desperation, neediness, or the blind insanity of falling in love—that’s why the relationships between “friends with benefits” are so immensely valuable. When we acknowledge the love and respect and appreciation that we share with lovers we would never marry, sexual friendships can become not only possible but preferred. So while you’re worrying that your sexual desire could cost you your best friend, the more experienced slut could be wondering why you are the only friend she has never fucked.

Dossie, when she was first a feminist, vowed to remain unpartnered for five years to find out who she might be when she was not trying to be somebody’s “old lady.” She had many wonderful relationships during those years, a rainbow of intimacies, including the sharing of childrearing and households and fixing cars and, of course, lots of lovely sex and affection. She decided that if she made sure to be affectionate, to let people know what she loved about them, that most would find a way to be comfortable with her without needing to be territorial,
and it worked. Her quest helped her discover new ways of being in the world as a woman, and as a sexual human being—the foundation of who she is and what she teaches today.

Each relationship seeks its own level, or will if you let it. Like water, you and whatever person has caught your fancy can flow together as long as you let it happen in the way that is fitting to you both.