The Essential Guide to Gay and Lesbian Weddings (22 page)

Every time I mentioned our wedding plans, my mother's mouth would become like a zipper and she'd immediately change the subject. When I finally got her to talk about it, she declared that she found the event to be “theatrical,” that there was no reason for us to get married because it wasn't legal. To her, we were flaunting ourselves. She wanted us to be closeted, and marriage is just the opposite of that.

—Julie

Your parents may be more or less accepting of your life and may even like your mate, yet still don't warm to the idea of a wedding. You might have to do a little bit of explaining as to what exactly it all means to you. If you are clear with them that this is a serious act and a big step for you, they could become more emotionally supportive of your decision. Give them a chance to adjust; in time they may actually be able to handle it and will even feel it's important for them to participate in the ceremony.

BAD NEWS
&
GOOD NEWS

The
BAD
News:

It's possible that your parents won't become as fully involved in your wedding as they did in your sister's wedding.

The
GOOD
News:

You won't have to deal with a mother who is trying to relive her own wedding.

This will be the point in time when you can begin to gauge what kind of financial and emotional input your parents will have in your wedding. If you're among the very fortunate, one or both sets of parents may offer to help pay for the wedding. (That's right, both. Traditionally, the bride's parents pay for the wedding. Because you're gay and there's no precedent, you have twice as many potential “investors.”) Clearly, this
is extremely generous and signifies an acceptance on some level. Good for you! It's also possible that even if they don't do so initially, as the preparations progress and excitement builds, they'll offer to pick up part of the tab or give you a check to start you out on your new life together.

And if your parents have never met your future mate, you really should try to arrange it before the ceremony. The more you make this like the real world, the more legitimately everyone will treat your relationship. (Well, nine times out of ten, anyway.)

If both sets of parents have been informed and they're okay with it, they might want to meet each other. This is kind of a traditional thing: the groom's mother or father calls the bride's mother or father to welcome the new daughter into the family. Needless to say, that rule doesn't apply here, so anyone can make the first call. If you can't picture the two families in the same room, or the mere thought of it makes your skin crawl, you might give it a shot anyway. Try it out in a neutral setting, maybe an event like a ballgame or a concert. You may be surprised; perhaps your mothers will start going to PFLAG meetings together or even plan joint family dinners.

The first time I met James's parents we were all uncomfortable and uneasy. We had them over for brunch, and nobody said too much at first. I tried to put them at ease and let them know that my wife and I wanted to recognize our son's partnership as we would any marriage. The more time we spent together, the less awkward it was; we stopped talking only about our sons and began to get to know each other. I let them know that the only thing I dislike about their son is the fact that he roots for the Phillies. The last time James's parents came to town, they stayed with us. What more do you want from in-laws?

—Stan

Now, what about children? If either of you has children who aren't aware that you're gay, you'll have to deal with that issue first, and that's a whole other book. If you have children who are involved in your life and accepting of your relationship, you'll want to sit down with them and discuss your plans. (If the children are yours from a previous relationship, you may want to do this independently of your intended spouse—unless you are coparenting.) Talk about what you feel marriage is, and why you're getting married. Talk about the child's place in the new family, and what changes, if any, this might represent. Talk about your spouse's integration into the family and what this might mean. Even though your spouse may not be a legal stepparent, your marriage ceremony recognizes the possibility that he or she will become, or already is, an important figure in the child's life. If the situation is right, someday this person may be considered a second mommy or a second daddy.

It's common to have children of all ages be involved in a wedding. With children, as with parents, a wedding has the potential to be a crossroads of acceptance. We know of a case in which a son gave his father away and one in which a daughter toasted her mother and her new stepmother. And
small folk are always perfect as, and thrilled to be, ring bearers and flower children.

My oldest daughter from a previous marriage gave me a lot of trouble when she was in her teens. She hated the fact that I was a lesbian, and she'd say things like “I can't stand you, Mom.” Over the years, we've kept working on it. When I called her to tell her about the wedding, she honored me with the best wedding gift I ever could have had—she flew three thousand miles to be my matron of honor at our ceremony.

—Victoria

Somewhere along the way here you may decide to throw yourselves an engagement party, or perhaps some of your friends might host one for you. Custom has dictated that the bride's family give the first party; everything from teas and brunches to barbecues and bowling parties follow, all in honor of the bride and groom. Although it may seem otherwise, engagement parties aren't about receiving gifts; in fact, according to the etiquette gurus, gifts are not necessary at these occasions. The parties are about friends and families widening their circles to include the newest members.

Even though these frilly affairs may strike you as being a little creaky, don't be too hasty in your judgment, because lots of good can come from them. Everyone likes to be supported and honored, and to feel reassured that they've made the right decision. An engagement party can be a good way to break the ice, and can even be a sort of trial run for the big day. The more comfortable people are at this party, the better time they'll have at the wedding celebration itself. It can be the first meeting of the two families if you so choose. It's the perfect opportunity for different groups of people to mix it up a little; for example, your father may find himself in a fascinating conversation about his German shepherd with your dog trainer, Lora, and her lover, Sonia. Your group therapist, who's become a good friend, may finally get to meet your brother, and with any luck your brother will start sessions next week. The girls from the office can meet the girls from the bar.

Since the main purpose of this engagement party is to welcome the newest family members, one of the highlights is the toast, or toasts. One of the best toasts we've heard about was given by a woman's father, who put a twist on a traditional salute when he said, “I'm not losing a daughter; I'm gaining a daughter.”

The window of time between your engagement and your actual wedding provides you with the opportunity to prepare yourself for married life. The average engagement in the United States lasts for fifteen months, and it's possible that those months can be filled to the max. Between being feted at numerous parties and interviewing potential best men and women, you should give some thought to redefining your relationship and considering what it's about to become.

If you choose to have a ceremony that is performed by a member of the clergy (and we'll talk
a lot more about that in chapter nine), he or she will almost certainly insist on your coming in for some kind of premarital discussions or counseling sessions. This may surprise you; it may even annoy you. But it's the highest compliment a gay couple about to be married can be paid, because it's a sign that your engagement is being taken seriously. If you don't have a clergyperson officiate, give some thought to the counseling process anyway. We're not saying it's necessary to get help if you're particularly skilled at facilitating this sort of dialogue. But in the same way that diets always have that little disclaimer that says, “Before you start any diet or exercise program, consult your physician,” it may be in your eventual best interest to consult some sort of experienced professional before you take the marriage plunge.

Allow us to digress for a moment here and speak to the idea of second thoughts. We can almost guarantee you that you will have some. Little habits and idiosyncrasies of your loved one that you used to find endearing will suddenly begin to gnaw at your very core. (Funny, you never noticed before how loudly he chews in the movie theater and how quickly he polishes off that bucket of popcorn.) As you get closer to each other and reveal new layers of yourselves, you may hear more than you ever wanted to (“Did I ever mention that I was once married and I have a daughter who's older than you are?”). You may suddenly realize,
Oh my God, this is the only person I'll ever sleep with for the rest of my life!
and everyone from the stock boy to the exterminator will begin to look really good to you.

What can we say except chillax and put it in perspective. This is absolutely normal. It happens to straight people all the time, and as a wise friend of ours once said, “Just because we're gay doesn't mean that we don't act like heterosexuals sometimes.” All of these feelings of insecurity and doubts can and should be discussed during the engagement period, which is why counseling can be helpful. Premarital therapy allows you to place your doubts on the table, and put them into perspective by talking about them. It also gives you a common vocabulary for dealing with all that lies ahead.

In any case, the following are some questions that might be posed to you during counseling. You might know exactly how you feel about some; others may be totally foreign to you; still others may strike you as being just plain stupid. Note that, unlike the results of a compatibility quiz in
Cosmopolitan,
there are no right or wrong answers here; no points are tallied, and no prizes will be awarded.