The Dragon and the Pearl (14 page)

She shuffled into the darkness, her hands out in front of her like the sensing whiskers of a cat. Deliberately she left the door open, needing the glimmer of light it provided. After many slow steps, inch by inch, her fingers brushed against the polished wood of the sitting area. From there, she remembered enough to stumble towards the bedchamber.

The day had been agonisingly long, but at least Auntie and Jun and Cook had distracted her. Night-time was always the worst. After the evening meal, which Li Tao never shared with her, she had nothing to do but wait.

Her toe connected with a table and a vase struck against her arm before toppling to the floor. She only had a second to grope for it before it crashed and shattered. The violence of the sound made her pulse jump. For some unknown reason, that small calamity nearly set her to tears. She choked back the helplessness and felt her way to the bed, using her hands along the wall to find the alcove. Without bothering to remove her dress, she crawled inside, grateful that the covers hadn’t been stripped now that she no longer slept there.

The space beneath the quilt was chilled and she curled up with the edges wrapped around her, willing her body to warm. Part of her knew this was irrational. She didn’t need to exile herself like this. But in a way, she was still a prisoner in this mansion. Every night she waited, yet had no power to make any demands on Li Tao. Removing herself from him was the only privilege their arrangement afforded her.

The glow of a lantern illuminated the room just as a pocket of warmth gathered around her. She turned, surprised that she hadn’t heard Li Tao enter.

‘Suyin.’ He spoke her name coiled within a long sigh.

She pulled the quilt tighter, as if she could burrow and disappear within the folds.

‘There’s a broken vase,’ she warned begrudgingly as he approached.

The shards clinked against the floor as he kicked them aside. She rolled over to watch him as he placed the lantern on to the table. It cast the room in a muted, yellow glow.

He sat down at the edge of the bed near her feet and leaned back against the wall, exhaustion evident in every muscle. ‘Come back to my chamber,’ he implored.

‘No.’

One of her hairpins dug into her scalp as she turned her head. She tugged it impatiently from her hair and threw it to the floor. She pulled another one and another and tossed them aside, realising then that she still had her slippers on as well. Li Tao surveyed the chaos that littered the ground, speechless.

He closed his eyes and passed a hand over his forehead, pinching at the bridge of his nose. ‘Please come back,
Lady Ling
.’

Oh, Heaven and Earth, no one enraged her like this man.

‘Why should I?’ she demanded. ‘Perhaps you should wait for me for once.’

‘I do. Every hour of the day.’

Her chest grew tight and a stinging sensation crept into the corners of her eyes. She sank an inch lower beneath the blanket. Whenever Li Tao conceded anything, it was with such carelessness that he maintained the higher ground while she was left vulnerable. Even reclined against her bed, Li Tao’s posture held a quiet, confident strength that filled her awareness. It made her mourn those empty hours without him.

‘You’re returning later and later every day. Sometimes not at all.’

‘There is much to do. The northern roads have to be fortified and the grain stores—’ He caught himself with a shake of his head.

‘I want to know where you go. What you do.’

‘It isn’t important.’

‘It is to me.’

She sounded possessive and she knew it. Like a mistress, like a wife. But she was neither. She was a temporary arrangement, a courtesan meant to stroke his ego and distract him from his troubles. Apparently she was a failure at that since she had set out to trouble him that night.

‘Is this what you wanted to discuss with me?’ he asked.

If she really wanted to know about his activities, she knew how to find out. She could massage the tension from his shoulders. Draw a hot bath for him. Pour tea and warmed wine and distract him with conversation, but she didn’t merely want information.

She raised herself, propping herself up with one arm to be able to see his expression. ‘This vigil is wearing you down,’ she said.

‘I’ll be fine.’ His denial was immediate, as expected.

‘The month is nearly gone. What will happen when the armies arrive?’

‘Either Gao and I will come to an understanding or there will be war between us.’

Perhaps the great Li Tao thought himself invincible, that he could take on both the imperial army under Emperor Shen’s command and Gao’s forces combined. He could be disillusioned enough to take on the demon armies of hell for all she knew.

‘What about us?’ Her words caught in her throat, but she forced them past. There was no way for her to ask this question and not leave herself exposed.

‘You’ll be under Emperor Shen’s protection by then.’

She made an impatient sound and wiggled the slipper loose from her foot in order to kick it off the bed. ‘The Emperor has no need for a consort. He already has a tigress of a wife. Who wants to be under another Empress’s claws?’

‘I wouldn’t hand you over to be another man’s—’

The steely sharpness of his tone startled her. What had he meant to say? Concubine? Lover? She froze just as she started to work off the second slipper. Li Tao took hold of her ankle to help her. The intimate touch sent a shudder through her. A rush of warmth travelled from his hand upwards until her face heated and she could barely breathe. This was what it meant to burn for someone.

‘Gao wants you dead,’ he said. ‘You need the protection of someone like Shen.’

‘Or you.’

‘Yes.’ Li Tao’s hand remained on her, gripping her foot within his strong fingers. ‘That was part of our bargain. I’ll keep you safe as long as I can.’

‘Our
bargain
,’ she echoed.

‘Which you are obviously no longer happy with.’

She could hear the strain in his voice as he fought to control his agitation. She didn’t want that control. She needed to see what emotions he hid underneath, but he would never let go. Emotion was weak. It was without purpose.

‘I don’t have your way with words, Lady Ling, so tell me plainly what you want.’

He continued to touch her, belying his dark mood. He massaged the arch of her foot as he spoke, sending another web of sensation to tease her senses. Physicians taught that there were hundreds of pressure points in the foot, centres of pleasure and energy. Li Tao seemed to find each one.

‘I want more.’ She hated the note of desperation she heard there. It was hard to think when he was watching her so intently, yet caressing her with such tenderness, even while he was clearly unhappy with her tantrum. ‘I want something more than the waiting and these few hours together.’

‘There is nothing more.’

Her eyes narrowed and she shook her ankle free of his grasp.

He leaned back against the wall, resigned. ‘I can see the Emperor’s protection is no longer a suitable option for you.’

‘Shen may be forced to order your execution. Do you think I want to be under his control?’

He frowned, but the wound she inflicted didn’t give her as much satisfaction as she’d hoped. He took some time considering his next words and a small hope grew inside her.

‘If you won’t go to Shen, I can assign soldiers to protect you,’ he began.

War. Still thinking of territory and battles. The disaster could be diverted, she had to believe that, but she couldn’t make him see any differently, no matter what she did.

‘I’ll send you far enough away that the strife never comes to you. I can’t afford to spare a single man, but I’ll do it for you. You can spend the rest of your life with whatever wealth you need. Would that make you happy?’

She had never known the answer to that question. Suyin lay back down and dragged the cover up to her chin. ‘All I want is to sleep right now. That would make me happy.’ She squeezed her eyes shut.

Li Tao didn’t move right away and she had to force herself to remain still, eyes closed, wondering with each heartbeat what he would do next. When he finally stood, she bit down on her lower lip to keep from sobbing. If he had moved into the bed and put his arms around her, she would have succumbed in a heartbeat. She would have forgotten this argument and buried her face against his chest. But she couldn’t ignore the threat any longer.

He took a long time to leave, moving about the room. She heard the sounds of something heavy being dragged near the bed and couldn’t resist peeking. Li Tao bent over a brazier, lighting the coals to warm the room for her. It must have been the influence of heartless women like Madame Ling that allowed her to keep from calling to him.

He straightened once the coals were smouldering and took hold of the lantern with one hand. ‘Was it what happened this morning that has you upset?’

They weren’t even battling on the same ground. He didn’t understand her at all.

She rolled over and presented her back squarely to him, hip jutting in a sharp point in the air. The warmth of his kindness faded like morning fog in the sun. Every one of Li Tao’s solutions ended with her being sent away. There could be no future for them, not in his mind. But that was what she wanted above all else, wasn’t it? She needed to protect herself first.

She was indeed a heartless woman. But he was a witless man.

Chapter Fourteen

L
i Tao took a moment to smooth out the folds of his tunic and straighten his sleeves with two sharp tugs before pulling his chamber door open. The unexpected presence of someone in the hallway elevated him to heightened awareness. He reached for the sleeve sword a moment before recognising Suyin’s silhouette in the dim corridor.

‘I had to rise especially early to catch you,’ she said, oblivious of any danger. ‘You usually leave before dawn.’

She wore a simple, unadorned blue-grey robe, and her hair had been pulled up into a loose knot. Her mouth remained soft and unpainted. She stood before him with a fresh openness that made her seem almost youthful. He wanted to draw her back into his chamber.

‘I have given some thought into what you should give me—as my gift,’ she added brightly.

‘Your gift?’ There had been no talk of anything of the sort.

‘I want you to give me a day,’ she continued. ‘Today, actually.’

He folded his arms over his chest, in no mood to be charmed. ‘They’ll say I’ve been bewitched like the August Emperor, that I’ve forgotten all duty in my unnatural obsession with you.’

Her frown was immediate. ‘What do you care about rumours?’

‘Suyin.’ He pinched at the spot between his eyes, willing the perpetual ache that had settled there to go away. ‘Do you understand what is happening around us?’

‘Of course I do. You’ll be no match for Gao if you drive yourself to exhaustion.’

Thoughts of tactics and fortifications slipped from his mind as she pressed close to his side. The scent of jasmine and morning dew settled over him. If not for that baffling quarrel, he would have woken to her. They would have woken up to each other, but now he had to go.

‘We should see each other in the daylight,’ she coaxed. ‘Not only in darkness like thieves.’

‘Interesting way to say it.’

She curved her arm around his and urged him towards the courtyard, the look in her eyes unguarded and eager. He allowed himself to be led to the pavilion in the centre of the garden. The household lay in the last dregs of sleep before sunrise. He settled on to the bench and glanced up at her. Her skin shone with a pale brightness in the early morning. The crisp air brought a tinge of pink to her cheeks.

‘I’ll have tea prepared. Wait here.’

He watched her float to the kitchen, enjoying the infectious energy in her step. Her clear voice chimed from within and he imagined Cook’s gruff reply. No one could resist Ling Suyin when she wanted her way.

She returned to sit across from him, folding her hands before her contentedly. For the moment, they sat regarding one another in the daylight, as she’d requested.

The excitement threatened to burst from her. ‘I don’t wish to be indoors at all today. We should see the bamboo forest, as much of it as possible.’

‘I can’t stay long,’ he told her.

She went on regardless. ‘Auntie tells me there are temples on the cliffs. And black-and-white
xióng m
o
in the shade of the mountainside, feeding on the bamboo shoots.’

‘They’re very reclusive.’

‘Like you.’

Her eyes sparkled as she teased him. Why this pleasantness now, when she couldn’t stand the sight of him the night before? It would have made him wary, but he was too exhausted to be wary. At least of Suyin.

Cook brought the tray out to them himself, setting a plate of steamed buns on to the table. The old man arranged the cups and poured the tea, then nodded to them before shuffling back to his beloved kitchen.

She sipped at her tea while he watched, transfixed. There was always an effortless grace about her, especially in the most mundane of tasks.

‘Auntie tells me this emerald tea is from Zhejiang. Good for increasing your energy and clearing your head.’

He lifted the cup and drank, barely tasting the steaming liquid. His head was anything but clear that morning. Suyin glanced at him over the rim of her cup and his chest clenched, a needle of pleasure piercing through.

‘Every time I look at you, I discover something new to catch my attention,’ he said.

No doubt she was accustomed to being scrutinised, so he was surprised when she blushed with pleasure. Her hands fluttered nervously as she pushed the dish of steamed buns closer to him.

‘Please, eat.’

He picked at the bread, taking deliberate bites and chewing. She ate across from him in silence, her movements small and bird-like.

‘You never share any meals with anyone,’ she said. ‘It’s quite disturbing. I even once considered that I had made a bargain with a demon lover, like at the costume opera.’

The corner of his mouth lifted. ‘You have an imagination.’

‘But you are a man after all and not a demon.’

‘We can share an occasional meal together, if you wish.’

He was content to sit back and let her fill the conversation with inane chatter. It gave him a momentary reprieve from thoughts of fortifications and the positioning of the troops along the Long River.

‘You’re thinking of what you would usually be doing right now,’ she ventured. ‘Riding out and seeing to your domain.’

‘Yes.’

Her pleasant smile never wavered. ‘You’d rather be doing that. This idleness is torturing you.’

He didn’t answer. ‘What did you want to discuss last night?’ he deflected.

‘Later, later. We have all day, do we not?’

Her form of persuasion was gently insistent. It disturbed him how much he wanted to indulge her. It lightened his spirit to see her smiling. Happiness was one emotion Suyin couldn’t fabricate effectively, no matter how practised she was.

‘Let us go before the sun is high.’ She came to take his arm again as they stood, as if he’d escape if she didn’t hold on to him. Her eyes were bright with excitement as she looked up, her impulsive energy almost child-like.

Reports indicated Gao had sent an envoy of five thousand men. Shen at least an equal number, perhaps greater. A bit more than one would expect for a peaceful diplomatic visit. They were only two weeks’ march away.

He found himself nodding, conceding to her. All Suyin wanted was a day and they had few left between them.

The footpath cut deep into the bamboo grove, the air surrounding them damp and cool in the shade. Li Tao remained characteristically taciturn beside her. Every stone tormented her feet through the thin soles of her slippers, but she didn’t want to complain. The path began to climb upwards and she couldn’t remember the last time she’d walked for so long without stopping.

‘Are we going far?’ she asked mildly.

Li Tao looked back to where she had stopped. ‘Do you need to rest?’

‘A little while.’

Despite the coolness of the forest, she dabbed the perspiration from her forehead with her sleeve. The bamboo stalks climbed upwards until they disappeared to a point in the sky. Sunlight only pierced the forest in tiny pockets. The endless green was making her dizzy.

He came back to her side. ‘I can carry you.’

She cast him a slanted look. ‘You’re leading me this way to torment me.’

The slight smile he gave was barely an answer, but he slowed his pace when they resumed walking. She took his arm again and this time his fingers curled around hers. Her chest shouldn’t swell with happiness like it did, having him walk beside her as they spoke of nothing. In these moments, she almost glimpsed what it would be to sink comfortably into a life together. To be old and grey like Auntie and strolling through the garden on Li Tao’s arm. To hear the laughter of grandchildren.

Whose dream had she borrowed? It couldn’t have been her own.

They emerged on to a plateau overlooking the valley and the breath rushed out of her. The bamboo forest shimmered below, stretching outwards to touch the edge of the sky in the distance. The wind stirred the fronds in gentle waves. The slight rustle even sounded like water.

‘A person almost could forget their sorrows here,’ she murmured.

Li Tao came to stand beside her and, for the moment, they were the only people on earth beneath the sun and the clouds. She wished desperately for him to put his arms around her, but he kept his hands clasped behind him as he looked meditatively over the emerald sea. He was always so controlled. Only in the bedchamber did his restraint begin to crumble. His eyes would grow dark when he moved within her, falling closed only when the pleasure took them both. Her skin flushed so hot that she feared he could sense it through the space between them.

‘What is that?’ She pointed across the valley. A man-made structure interrupted the natural contour of the mountainside, partially hidden by the forest green.

‘Observant,’ he said with a note of admiration. ‘There are watchtowers all along the cliffs. Guard houses, stockades.’

A numbness crept into her fingers. He revealed the information without reservation, without care. As if she were too insignificant to be a threat, or he no longer needed to hide his intentions. It certainly couldn’t be that he trusted her. He presented a striking profile, his gaze fixed impassively on the distant cliffs. She searched the line of the ridge for the fortifications he spoke of.

‘How many men do you command?’ The words scratched against her throat.

He looked directly at her until she squirmed beneath his scrutiny. ‘Old Gao has likely convinced the Emperor that I’ve raised an army of hundreds of thousands to oppose him.’

‘But you have been building an army.’

When he didn’t answer, she pushed on. ‘You can’t win like this.’

‘I’m not so easy to kill, Lady Ling.’

‘This is what Gao wants. On his terms.’

‘Enough. This is not your battle.’

In other words, this was not her place. Li Tao wouldn’t listen. He was a man of action, not words, and considered himself accountable to no one. In that way, he and Gao were very much alike. Her stomach sank with despair.

The more Li Tao built up his defences and withdrew from imperial scrutiny, the more his actions would incriminate him. All her knowledge meant nothing. Li Tao would never let her in.

‘If you’re so bent on war, why did you ask me to stay?’ she asked in desperation.

‘I wanted the nights.’ His voice strained to near the breaking point. ‘I wanted those hours with you.’

It was a generous admission from him—for Li Tao to admit he
wanted
anything—but she found no consolation there.

‘A diversion,’ she said bitterly. ‘But now it’s done.’

He caught her shoulders as she tried to go. ‘It was a mistake to keep you here.’

A mistake. The pain bit deep before she could shield herself against it. She knew it was true, which made the pain worse. Someone had manipulated Li Tao to retrieve her. They were being compelled by unseen forces.

She twisted out of his grasp and moved back to the ridge to stare out over the bamboo sea, trying to recapture the sense of peace she’d had moments earlier.

‘This is all we can have, Suyin.’

His words were a hollow echo of what he’d told her last night.
There could be no more
. She wasn’t ready to accept it.

‘It’s always like this. First the August Emperor, and now you. Men only desire my company when the threat of death hangs over them.’

Li Tao came close enough for her to sense the heat from his body, so warm in contrast to the coolness of the forest. His arm closed around her waist, the other one about her shoulders to hold her against his chest, fitting her back. With a sigh, she sank against him and let his presence envelop her. He never embraced her in daylight, she realised.

‘I see your face in front of me every moment of the day. I think of your skin, your voice, the way you taste.’ His lips brushed against her hair. He held her even tighter. ‘But this was always meant to end. It has to.’

She squeezed her eyes shut at the last part. She’d known his lover’s words wouldn’t be allowed to stand untouched. There was always bitterness to follow. He was convinced that they could not be, and Li Tao never backed down from his convictions.

He turned her in his arms so they could finally face each other. Without another word, he took her mouth with a kiss that only filled her with more longing, more doubt. His fingers curved over her hip possessively. She clutched at his robe and dragged him closer, as if he could be any closer. When they broke apart, he still wouldn’t let go.

‘You say these words. You insist on these things, but then you—’ She struggled for words. ‘There has to be a way.’

He rested his forehead against hers. The way he held her could be so deceptively tender. She still couldn’t catch her breath and she didn’t want to. She knew now, more than ever, that she couldn’t lose him.

He kissed her again; this time his touch was rough and impatient. ‘These men are more experienced than I at the art of war. At every step, I sense I’m making the wrong move, falling deeper into someone’s plans.’

This was how she had felt in the palace, always fighting against the hold of powerful men and feeling that there was nothing she could do to be free of them. She’d felt that way with Gao and his minions. In a way, even Emperor Li Ming had imprisoned her to his will.