The Downlow Alpha (The Identity Crises Book 1) (4 page)

              I vaguely became aware of the smell of bacon as it registered that it was light in the room. Forcing myself to open my eyes, I saw the blinds were opened slightly. Then it hit me.

              Harley was here, in my kitchen making breakfast. I felt a slight stirring in my manhood as I recalled his making sweet love to me the night before. Rolling over on my side, I pulled the pillow he had slept on to my chest. I could smell his scent on the pillow, as my shaft hardened fully now. I knew I couldn’t blame it on being a morning hard on and a thrill of giddiness filled me.

              My perfect man was here, in my apartment, making us breakfast. I had to be the luckiest man in the world. A motion at the door caught my attention, and I saw it was Harley. Embarrassment filled me as I realized I was clutching his pillow to myself, but his smile of approval quickly dispelled it.

              “Good morning Justin,” he said, his deep voice sending a chill through me. A nervous giggle escaped me, and I felt like a dork as I willed myself to pull my shit together. Don’t chase him off now, I lectured myself.

              “Good morning Harley. Something smells good,” I said, as I climbed out of bed. His eyes instantly fell to my manhood, which was standing at attention. The look of desire that flitted across his face sent a pulse of electricity shooting through me, and I felt my prostate begin throbbing as it remembered how he filled me just hours ago.

              He slowly pried his eyes off of my throbbing desire, and as our eyes locked, I felt myself fall into them. Dark, powerful pools of power, grabbing some unseen part of me, caressing it. Commanding it.

              “I am an early morning person, and have spent the last several years being the breakfast maker. Stacy always gets up early, especially on Saturdays for her cartoons.”

              His face darkened slightly as he mentioned Stacy, and I knew he was worried over the ramifications of his coming out. My heart filled with compassion for him, as I knew at the same time I was glad not to be in his shoes. It had to be difficult for him to not be waking up with his daughter in the other room. Instinctively I pulled him back to the here and now.

              “This just gets better and better. A God in the bedroom last night, and now breakfast. I better pinch myself and make sure this is real,” I said with exaggeration as I pinched myself. The sound of his laughter as I hammed how much the pinch hurt was music to my ears. I could feel his eyes on my ass as I went and got into my sweat pants and pulled on a t shirt.

              As I followed him out, I studied his back. His shoulders were so wide, and as his arms swung the little valleys in his arms would shift. I became painfully aware as I soaked him in that the throbbing had not went away. I loved how he walked, with such confidence. He was definitely all man, I thought as I watched how the fabric of his jeans pulled from side to side across his tight, muscular ass. He had a nice ass.

              We ate breakfast in silence. I could sense his mind was preoccupied on the ramifications of his decision to come clean, and didn’t want to interrupt him as he processed what his next move was. Looking over at the clock on the microwave, I was surprised to see how late it was. Almost noon.

              Panic filled me as I realized I hadn’t called work. I dropped my fork and rushed over to my cell phone as I swallowed my eggs without chewing them fully. He had a bemused look on his face as he listened to me lie about how sick I was. It was hard for me to feign how sick I was as he started making faces at me.

              As Cheryl was telling me to get well, the doorbell sounded. I quickly thanked Cheryl as I went to see who it was. I wasn’t expecting any packages, and no one ever visited me. Worry hit me as I thought of John. He was the last person I needed to see right now. Especially given how he felt about Harley. My mind filled with images of him making a scene as I opened the door.

              Shock filled me as I opened the door and she rushed past me. It was Charlotte.

              “Where the fuck is he at,” she demanded.

              “Hey, you can’t just barge in my apartment,” I said weakly, as she turned to stare at me, rage flooding her face. Her hand was a blur as it streaked to my face. The sound of the slap reverberated in the air before my nerves registered the sting on my face. Unable to process what was going on, relief filled me as I saw Harley come into the living room.

              “How did you find me,” he asked.

              “I used the GPS on your cell phone,” she spat out.

              “You shouldn’t have come here,” he said.

              “You shouldn’t have come here,” she shouted back. “Coming here to be with your faggot boyfriend.” Spit flew out of her mouth as her finger waved in my direction, accusing me of violations that were to strong to voice.

              “Now is not the time or place for this Charlotte. You are making a scene. None of this is solving anything. Please go home, and I will come by in a few days once things have cooled off.”

              Her face tightened, and I knew she was not open to listening to reason. She wanted to battle. It was going to be ugly.

              “You are going to get your ass home now. Not in a few days. Not tomorrow. Now!”

              I felt fearful Harley was going to hit her as his face became impassive, his eyes hardening. He walked slowly, with a deliberate gait that reminded me of a cat, over to her. His strong hands grabbed her arms as he began walking her to the door.

              “You are leaving now Charlotte. I said we will talk in a couple of days. You are done telling me what to do. You have acted like you own me ever since we had Stacy. I am a person you know. A person who has feelings and desires. I know this is painful, but you are making this more difficult than it has to be.”

              She struggled in his grasp, and somehow managed to free one of her hands. With horror I watched as her hand snaked out, slapping him. He let go of her other arm, and both of her hands were a blur as she slapped him over and over again. And he just stood there, letting her. After what seemed an eternity, she finally ran out of steam. Blood was running from his nose as he continued standing there, impassively.

              “Have you gotten it all out now,” he asked quietly, the calmness of his voice unsettling.

              Tears sprang from her eyes as she responded.

              “I am just getting started if you don’t get your ass home. If you plan on ever seeing your daughter again, you will forget all of this and get your ass home. No way am I going to allow my daughter to be exposed to this nasty faggot shit. I have tolerated looking the other way these past few years. As long as you didn’t let it spill over into our family life.”

              Fear filled me as I saw his look become indecisive as she threatened using his daughter as a pawn to force him to her will.

              “I understand you think you are a fag,” she continued, the vulgar way she was speaking making me feel ill.

              “But you are not. If you were, you would not have been able to make love to me, not been able to have a child with me. I had hoped you would have put this all behind you the night we conceived Stacy. But no, you have to have the best of both worlds. I have overlooked your need to be depraved and have sex with other…men.”

              Her face crinkled as she finished the sentence. Crinkled in disgust. I felt a brief flash pulse through me, a flash of guilt. I hated how others could still push that button in me. That button that somehow something was wrong with me for being attracted to men. That somehow it impugned upon others if I didn’t somehow hide my preference.

              “Don’t you dare try to use Stacy as a weapon,” he said, his voice shaking with anger. His dark eyes were shining with anger, and fear filled me as I found myself unable to look away from them.

              “Baby, just come home with me,” she said, her tone now soft and pleading. “We can start over again. Just like we did years ago when you made the decision to be straight, that night you fucked me and got me pregnant with Stacy. I knew then you wanted me more than men. You are just confused baby. Just come home, and we can go back to how it was.”

              His face filled with shock as something she had just said seemed to fill him with an epiphany.

              “You…You Knew,” he said, barely able to control his rage.

              “Of course I knew. But I also knew you were confused, just like you are now. Just come home and we can be happy again. And if you need to be with men from time to time, that’s ok. We will just keep it quiet like we have been. You can even be with him from time to time if you want,” she said, pointing at me.

              “Get out,” his voice roared.

              She rushed over to me and slapped me again.

              “This is all your fault, you little whore. You couldn’t just let us be. Couldn’t just be satisfied with having him on the side. You had to come break up our family. Well fuck you,” she screamed, her spittle spraying my face. Harley grabbed her from behind, and marched her to the door.

              As he pushed her out into the hall, she continued screaming. I worried the neighbors would call the police as the stinging in my cheeks made all of this seem so surreal.

              “You knew,” he repeated again as he stood in the doorway making sure she couldn’t come back in.

              “You can forget about seeing Stacy again,” she said.

              “That will be for a judge to decide,” he said, slamming the door in her face. He stood there facing the door, and it took a moment for me to realize he was crying. No sound escaped him, but the slight movement in his shoulders alerted me. I rushed over to him, and reached out. My hand seemed to break him out of the trance he was in, and he turned to me, tears streaming down his face.

              “What am I going to do,” he asked pleadingly. “I can’t let her keep me from my daughter.”

              In agony, he fell against the wall and slid down it, sobs escaping him. My heart broke for him, and I fell to my knees, pulling his head to my chest. He began crying hard now, and I found myself crying with him, as I swore to myself there was no way I was going to allow her to deny him from seeing his child.

            
 
I could sense he needed time to compose himself, so left him on the couch as I cleaned up the kitchen. My mind was still reeling from everything that had happened, but was filled with a sense of urgency to help Harley find a solution.

              I knew he needed to get legal help. Things were not like they used to be. Back when society could openly persecute one for being gay. Back when even the psychiatric community claimed it was a mental disorder. We had come a long way since those days. And what she was threatening was illegal. I dried the dishes off half assed in my hurry to look up a good family court lawyer.

              I was on the computer quickly, sifting through the reviews when one caught my eye. A law firm specializing in child custody cases. But it was one of the reviews that separated it from the rest.

              “Samantha was such a help. My ex tried to keep me from seeing our kids because of my sexual references, and not only was that thrown out, but because of my ex’s behavior, I now have joint custody.”

              Excitement filled me as I rushed to find Harley. He wasn’t in the living room, so I went to the bedroom. He was packing his bag when I came in, and immediately I was filled with dread. He was caving in to her threat. He looked up at me, and it was written all over his face.

              “What are you doing,” I asked, despite already knowing. But I had to say something, anything to get him talking.

              “Look, I am sorry about everything Justin. But we both know that if I don’t go back it could jeopardize my ever being in my girl’s life.”

              “You don’t have to do this,” I said, a hint of desperation creeping in. I couldn’t lose him. I wouldn’t lose him.

              His face tightened, and I saw anger fill his eyes as he rushed around the bed, his strong hands grabbing my shirt as he backed me into the wall.

              “You don’t have any right to say anything about this. It isn’t your life getting ripped apart. It isn’t your child being ripped away from you.”

              His voice was tight and controlled, but the fury emanating from his eyes showed how much he was fighting to retain control. I realized that if I kept pushing, he might hurt me. But I couldn’t stop myself. I had to get him to stay, make him see that there was an alternative that had us together living our lives with meaning.

              “You are right,” I replied. “It isn’t my child. But don’t you dare think this doesn’t affect me too. I know we have not known each other that long, but I know you are the one. I know we are meant, have known since the moment I laid eyes on you.”

              “And don’t you dare think it won’t rip my heart out if you walk away from us, from giving us a chance to grow happy together. Especially when I have found the answer that will keep her from blocking you from Stacy.”

              I felt myself wincing from the pain in my chest from where his fists held handfuls of my shirt, my back protesting as well the hardness of the wall he was pressing me into. My heart was pounding so hard it was roaring in my ears. And then his eyes softened, I assume from the clear look of fright that must have been painted on my face. His eyes slowly dropped to his hands that were still clinching me, and he abruptly let me go and turned from me.

              I saw my opening, and pressed it.

              “Listen to me Harley. I googled family court lawyers, and found a good one. One who has successfully represented a client who was in a situation exactly like yours. I think we should call her and set up an appointment quickly, before your wife has time to act.”

              He turned to me, and for the first time since Charlotte had left, I saw a glimmer of hope in his face.

              “Do you really think it can work,” he asked. “You don’t think the court will hold it against me that I have been living a lie?”

              “Look, things are different now. Most people realize now that we don’t choose whom we are attracted to. And let’s be honest. Charlotte helped you decide to live this lie. Don’t think I didn’t understand that exchange between you two. She as much as admitted she knew you were gay when she seduced you into sleeping with her. That she got pregnant on purpose thinking it would make you straight.”

              I could see his mind twirling my words around, and slowly he nodded as he saw the truth in my words.

              “Look, lets at least go see the lawyer and see what she has to say. If you don’t feel comfortable after talking with her, then you can go home. But you owe it to yourself, owe it to us to at least hear what she has to say.”

              “You owe it to your daughter,” I said after a short pause, calculating it would sink the deal. He looked at me with puzzlement that was bordering anger and I quickly explained.

              “It is your job to be a role model for her, to show her that one should be true to themselves. If she finds out as she grows older that you lived a lie your whole life, you are showing her that is acceptable. Showing her that it is okay to choose a life of unhappiness. And I see how much you love that little girl. You would not wish that kind of life for her. Don’t let her think it is okay watching you do it.”

              He slowly nodded again, and I realized I had been holding my breath and exhaled.

              “I will go set up the appointment. Hopefully she can squeeze us in today.